Leah's story

I met him five years ago in NYC. I had just moved there a year before for work (from Europe) and had just broken up with my boyfriend of 6 years (it was a great relationship, but we knew somehow that e would never marry; the end was painful, as he moved on to another woman before we were formally over, but that aside, it was a respectful relationship). I met the man who would become my boyfriend, love-of-my-life, husband and now ex-H through a mutual friend. He immediately sent me an email, and appeared besotted while we had barely spoken. We went for a drink and he told me the story of his life. We had so much in common: work, out of work passion, languages, all sorts of interests. I was initially cautious having just ended a relationship 4 months before, but could not ignore his deep, caring eyes; the fact that he was so into me; the fact that he was kind and gentle and like an eager boy; the feeling that, childlike as he was sometimes, he was a bit of a angel and had a heart of gold. We started seeing each other, and I asked about his relationship history: he had had 15 girlfriends (he was 30 at the time) all of them short relationships, except a two-year one about a year before me. I asked why it ended, and he said that she was short-tempered and cruel. But somehow he also mentioned that she had gotten pregnant a couple of months into their relationship, and they had a termination--that he was very sad about it (somehow he didn't seem sad at all, however). He told me after two weeks that he was in love; wrote breathless poetry to me; treated me like a queen. Two month later, he said that he could see himself marrying me.

Some months into the relationship, he started to "look low" and complain about life. I helped him re-direct his career and find a job in Europe, which made him much happier. And, I moved with him to Europe. We were engaged within a year (I had to ask him several times why he was delaying proposing, especially since I had moved across the Atlantic for him; finally he did propose, but I wonder if he would have if I had not asked for a sign of commitment). We were married a year after that. Life was wonderful. I travelled a lot for work, so did he. We had blissful weekends. He would walk into kiddie stores and look at baby clothes, and tell me how much he wanted to have babies with me. We travelled the world and he couldn't look at me, even after 3 years, without saying he loved me.

Then, early last year, he started to say that he wanted to move to another country in Europe, to be close to his friends. I said, what about me? What about us? Why are your friends so important. He didn't reply, and we left it at that. I asked him if we could buy a house. He never answered, just said that "mixing finances is not a good idea" even though we were married. Then, in the middle of last year, he told me that he was talking to his friends about "our problems". I asked "what problems" and he said that we couldn't figure out where to live. I said that this was not a problem, it was just life, and we'd figure it out. Besides, we had never properly talked about it since getting married--we were happy where we were. I thought! Then he started to say things like I didn't cook his favourite meals anymore, or that I appeared annoyed a few months ago and went shopping without him for a few hours, or that I did not get along with his mother (who is a clear N, and barely has anything to do with her own kids including him--she had never once come to visit us in four years, though when she sees him when he goes to her home, she alternates between treating him like a golden child and crying on his shoulder about arguments she has had with her "mean sisters" who are in the seventies!!). He said that I did not give him a massage when he wanted one a year ago, but I gave it to him the day afterwards. I thought that I was going crazy. I did not know how to respond. I could not even get angry because what he said made no sense. But I started to feel like something was really wrong.

His eyes would go blank when I tried to talk to him about things. Also, he would often stop conversations by just giving me a hug. I noticed that he repeated things that I told him, and the stories of others. I sometimes wondered why he could not analyze things despite being really smart and well-educated. He spoke about the lives of his friends, but never about our future. Once in a while, he would say weird things; like he would always ask me what I dreamed about the night before. He would never say sorry, even if he kept me waiting for 30 minutes, which he often did, because he was late picking me up or late to the theatre. He would also almost never say thank you--if I cooked dinner and asked if he enjoyed it, he would say "yes, it was tasty, but I did the dishes last night"?? He stopped initiating sex; in fact we perhaps made love once a month, always initiated by me. But when we did make love, it was perfect, he was attentive, he told me we were perfect for each other, and it was as if he didn't care for his own physical pleasure at all, only about mine. I was bewildered but love-making felt like everything was just perfect. Yes, this was all strange, but we had so much fun together, he was always loving, and he was never angry so I put it all aside!

We had a wonderful summer together, and at the end of the summer I told him that I was ready to have the babies he had always talked about. I was 35, so it was time. And he then said, no, we are having problems. I sent him to a therapist to try to figure out what was wrong and why he was unhappy with us. I also took us both to a couples counsellor. The counsellor said that we seemed so happy; he was always smiling and holding my hand in the session. So, after 2 sessions, he told us that there was nothing to work on and that we should perhaps try to talk more often; that was it. Then, one weekend while I was away, he moved out. He moved out all his things. Meanwhile, he called me to tell; me he loved me, but wanted time apart. I thought he was going to sleep on a friend's couch for a few nights, but when I came home everything he owned was gone! I was stunned. But, still, we spoke every night and several times a day. He cancelled our Christmas plans (or at least his ticket to go on a cruise) and said that it would be good to have a few weeks apart. he did not tell me where he lived, but said his therapist told him it was a good idea to have proper time too think. He went to stay with him Mother for the holidays since "his single friends were all on vacation in Asia". I did not know that he had many single friends; in fact most of his close friends are married. So I asked why he said specifically "single friends" nd he said that he had mispoken. He sent me messages saying that it was weird that we were not together for Christmas, then corrected him self and said " mean, we are not in the same place; of course we are still together". I was getting more and more confused. Was he leaving me? Di d he just want space? Was he trying to play with my mind?

After Christmas, I told him that I wanted to understand what exactly was wrong with us. He said we should meet once a wee to work on our issues. I asked to go back to a counsellor, and he said no, it is not necessary. We met once a week, and for the rest of the time and each weekend he was flying around Europe hanging out with his friends (all couples/,married). I did not know what to think. Then, one day, while we were walking in the street hand in hand, he told me that a divorce was best. He walked away and turned off his phone. I could not reach him. I was in hysterics, crying and in shock.

I called his office a few weeks later to ask if I could come and see him. He finally agreed to see me. I sat in the reception crying my eyes out, and he looked blank. I has just found out that I was pregnant but miscarried the baby. I told him, but he did not react. He just said that he hoped it did not hurt too much. I asked what he would have done if I had not miscarried. He said he would have "tried a bit harder to save us". I did not understand what was broken. I begged him to listen to me,, to stay, to tell me what was wrong. I told him about our vows, but he said he never promised to always love me--he only promised to "try". He said it was good that I came to see him, but then said nothing except that divorce was best. Then he gave me a hug, and walked away. I later found out that he told his office that I was stalking him! he served divorce papers by mail. He has not taken my calls in four months, but replies to my voice messages by email. He used to (a few weeks ago) tell me that he was sorry we could not make it work. Now he just says that we were never right for each other, and that he has not a single feeling for me. That is truly being discarded.

None of our mutual friends understand why I am in shock; they say that lots of people get divorced and say that I must have done something wrong, because he is so perfect. His mother and family has not called once. I still do not know where he lives, and can not reach him. I am oscillating between feeling luck that this happened now, before kids, and feeling that I messed something up and deserve to be left because he was such a wonderful person; from feeling that he was always empty and only mimicked me and other people and, on the other hand, feeling like I will never find such an amazing soulmate again.

I have moved back to NYC, started therapy but can barely sleep. Am starting to exercise again now after 4 months, but feel like my life is over and I am going through the motions. That I will now never have a baby. That he is happy out there without me (he says there was never another woman, and I do believe him; reason is that after his previous girlfriend, he hibernated for a year and then he met me--he does not chase women, but they all seem to fall in love with him--just as I did--because he is so warm, charming and angelic).

how can one recover? How can one ever trust again? I never knew such people existed! I look at my friends who are all married and have kids, and I feel like I am a complete failure.