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Kind of hard day

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#1 Apr 1 - 8AM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Kind of hard day

Today is kind of hard for me. I know my narc is all excited about taking his boat out today. He takes it out on April 1st. I remember last year how the boys and I were all excited about it. I'm trying to keep myself in check and think of the bad things. Some days are easier than others and today is that day for me. I'm sad today and dread the weekend with my thoughts. My imagination truly is my worst enemy. I really don't want to imagine him on the boat with another woman. It's not easy.

Apr 1 - 2PM
Happy1
Happy1's picture

Thank you ladies for your

Thank you ladies for your very kind words and support. I'm glad it's yucky outside and just chalk this up to another day without my psycho! Thank you again!!
Apr 1 - 9AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hap and Kauaigirl,

I, too, am having a hard day. Can't stop crying. Hate that. Feeling incredibly wounded and want to let go. Hugs to you both and to all who are here. Please send me the good vibes to get out of this dark place. sincerely (surprised that I'm still) spinning

spinning

Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #12)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

cry...let out the

cry...let out the pain... then dry your tears and know you don't want to be in that mess anymore....that you have soul and can feel....how healthy you really are....and you will come out of that dark place. thanks for your support...hug to you!
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #11)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Hugs spinning

You're not alone... everyone has days like that. I've been broken up with my exN for over 6 months and I still cry and I still miss him terribly. We've been through horrible experiences and it's going to take a lot of time to heal. Every day will bring you a day closer to recovery and the day where you won't feel like crying anymore and eventually you may not even think about your N. I'm hoping that day comes soon for all of us! But, in the meantime thank God we have this incredible forum and such wonderful people helping us get through. Hugs
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #8)
dudette
dudette's picture

spinning

Lots of hugs to you spinning. A tough week-end for us all I think April fool's day also But we are not the fools. They are, after all they have lost us and we were a treasure worth keeping preciously Lots of love D
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #9)
spinning
spinning's picture

Thank you saf, dudette and to all

who share so honestly here. Saf, you're right. I am so very grateful for this community! And I know it's a process...I'm just surprised at the depth of my woundedness. I'm just a few days short of 5 months NC, but the brutality of the D & D is haunting me. He totally vanished; changed his phone number unbeknownst to me and left the area (which is a blessing, I know), but all of this while I was helping my family cope with terminal illness (and subsequent death). Hate that it's all tied together with the huge loss of a family member. YUCK! I know I'm better off without the chaos in my life, but don't know why I'm not jumping for joy... elated, even. Dudette, you're right, too. The sick sucker lost a threw away a real treasure...I'm working on knowing that as deeply as I know I'm wounded. Thank you for the kind compassion. I am so grateful. sincerely (determined to stop) spinning

spinning

Apr 1 - 3PM (Reply to #10)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Spinning

Knock it off, Geeze, you know what else 10 bucks says Fuckhead shows up! I want you to be prepared for that! Look what happened to SOI! Nothing is certain with crazy! Right now my guess is your playing tennis in your head! Good Vs Evil! I did it, 2 weeks ago, you just have to refocus. It will stop! I used be terrified of flying, panic attacks, tears, a child having a temper tantrum! It was out of control! The shit that was spinning in my head, what if the planes ties fall off, what if the piolet isn't paying attention etc. I was driving myself nuts! I had to come to terms with the reality of the situation. I had to get on the freakin plane and take a nice vacation or stay home, Let me tell you, I love vacation! The reality for me was the chances of the plane falling out of sky is less likely than me crashing in my car. And .... If it did crash the vacation would be cut short! Being Narced is the same concept! The reality is Good Bye and Good Riddens! So it's time to enjoy the Vacation! :) Stay Strong! Idealk
Apr 1 - 9AM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

I feel for you....today is a

I feel for you....today is a hard day for me too. My N is also out having fun today as well, damn FB which allowed me to see that. Amazing how they can just go on and look so happy to the outside world. Then I remind myself how when I'd have plans with my N.....they were often canceled, or delayed, and I paid for everything, did all the work, was often ignored at that activity and came home feeling confused, used, and with more crazy questions about what went on. I remind myself that I'm glad I don't have to deal with all that anymore. But these days are hard and I feel for you. Hugs for you!
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #4)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Same with me kauaigirl

When I used to check out my exN's FB page I would see photos and read things that seemed like he had already totally moved on and was so happy with his new gf. And his new gf lives a long car ride away and it seemed like he always had time for her and did things with her... but with me I always had to do all the work with making plans and he didn't live far and he would always be late or show up when it was convenient for him, and sometimes when I wanted to go somewhere or do something he would cancel or by the time he got his act together and be ready or show up it would be too late and we would just stay in. I also paid for a lot of things too... and at a couple of events (a BBQ and birthday party) I felt practically ignored and treated more like a friend than his gf and he made me feel so confused. It's amazing how so many of us have gone through such similar experiences. Sometimes, I still do feel I need validation that my ex is a N, but then I read more and see that the way he acted and the way he treated me is so similar to how others have been treated and how other Ns act.
Apr 1 - 10AM (Reply to #5)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You're so right...sometimes

You're so right...sometimes it feels like we're all talking about the same person. That in itself is reassuring. I hate how they can hold up such a good front, their life is perfect form the outside. No one else would ever know, unless they've picked you to drain. And that is the hard part for me, I want someone else to look at her and say she's wacked. If I knew for certain she was a narc, I would feel so much better!....but there won't be that closure for me. Thanks for your support...it really does help!
Apr 1 - 3PM (Reply to #6)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

That's how I feel

I also wish I knew for certain my ex is a narc. I believe he is but I still have doubts sometimes. But when I have doubts I read some more and it reinforces the fact that he really is one. But I wish I could get an official diagnosis about him... it would make me feel better too. And, you hit the nail on the head kauaigirl... with narcs there never is closure... and that's what's so frustrating. We go round and round in our minds trying to analyze and figure out what happened and there's no figuring them out. We won't get any answers to our questions (and I have soooo many unanswered questions!) We have to in some ways make our own closure. Hugs
Apr 1 - 8AM
dudette
dudette's picture

Happy

hugs to you - it's not easy I know.... As there are many posts about the subject of OWs, I will not have to remind you of this.... Whoever is on the boat with narc today, is already,or will be soon, on the pile of D and Ds.....it's inevitable..... So enjoy your freedom and remember - they cannot and will not change....
Apr 1 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
safyre99
safyre99's picture

Sending you hugs Happy

I'm sorry you're having a hard day today. No matter how much time has gone by or how much better we are doing, when the calendar comes to one of those "important" or memorable dates it's hard to not feel hurt again and we remember what used to be and where we were or what we were doing last year at that time. I agree that our imagination is our worst enemy! We envision that the OW is being treated so much better and the N is different with her. But, as dudette says your exN's gf will eventually be D&D'd too. I know the weekend will be hard Happy... Please send me an email or give me a call over the weekend if you'd like to talk. Hugs