Kauaigirl's Story

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#1 Mar 28 - 10PM
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Kauaigirl's Story

My story is a little different because my N was another woman. Yet my story is so much the same, so I hope it is OK that I'm here.

I met my N about 5 years ago. We were introduced through our daughters who were playmates. She was funny, active and adventurous. We had a casual friendship at first. As time went on, we would email more often and went on to chat online almost daily. She would send me such upbeat and complimentary emails. We'd go out for coffee, shopping at fun boutiques and have so much fun together. We began running together, did our first half marathon together....it felt like such a healthy and positive thing at first. We had so much in common and she seemed like the greatest companion.

I noticed she didn't have many female friends. She commented to me that women were too dramatic and emotional for her and that she prefered to have male friends. Yet told me that I was like a long lost sister to her and we had a special connection. She would confide in me how she'd feel overwhelmed and that her husband was lazy, ignored her and was no help with the kids. I would feel sorry for her, listen, help out when I could and support her.
Being one of her only girlfriends, I really felt like it was on me to be there for her.

My husband and I were invited to go out with her and her husband, as well as two of her guy friends. We were all at a bar, having a few drinks.....she was being flirtatious with me and then she kissed me in front of all the guys. It caught me so off guard! I planned to forget about it and call it a silly drunk thing, but she asked me about it the next day. She asked if I would still be her friend even though she did that....and she wanted me to know that she thought it was very hot. I know I should have run the other way, but I didn't. In all honesty, it intrigued me. This came at a time when things between my husband and I were a little stagnant. I hope not to be judged for that, I feel awful about it all. It got passionate between us...she made me feel like her female soul mate. Despite being married to a wonderful man, it felt like I fell in love with her. She claimed to love me, need me and that her life would be empty without me.

All along, I noticed some odd behaviors in her. She always wanted to know my weekly work schedule and what I was doing on weekends, but was always so secretive about her own plans. Most of the time, I didn't bother asking her questions because I knew she wouldn't tell me anyway. I caught her in many white lies and she'd be upset and very defensive if I called her on it. She would buy clothes and household items just like mine.....and yet she'd say I was the jealous one. She would take ideas and things I loved and make them her own. If I asked her about these things, then I was watching her too close. In social gatherings, despite being her "best friend", she would ignore me completely. I asked her why she invited me to these gatherings if she was just going to ignore me, she would lash out that she didn't know she was supposed to give me all her attention. On one occasion, she told me that a mutual guy friend was "well hung"....then when I questioned her later, she said all they did was kiss. I don't know if I believe her. She's always been very flirtatious with him. I had no right to, but I still felt betrayed by her over that.

Things kept getting worse between us. She wouldn't talk about her feelings for me telling me that they are the same unless she tells me different. She would say she wanted to get together, but then couldn't find time because she was always so busy. I would keep windows of time open for her, then she would back out of plans at the last minute. She would post on FB how wonderful her husband was and be flirtatious with him, even though all she ever did was complain about him to me. She would compare me negatively to her husband saying I was too controling, jealous, dramatic and needed too much reassurance. I expected too much of her and too much pressure for her. Now she tells me we have to back everything down to just being friends, but that she wants to keep me in her life.

I have done so many things for her, given so much of my time, took care of her after a serious injury, loaned her money, loved her deeply, put her before myself....and I'm ashamed to say before my husband. She's never been thankful and doesn't feel bad that she owes me a large sum of money. She's never cared about what was going on with me, has never once asked how I felt.

I love my husband, I can't believe things got to this point. I started to question everything that went on, did a lot of reading recently and feel like I got involved with a narcissist. Then I wonder....am I calling her a narcissist in order to place blame in this whole mess? I was wrong and should have run when the friend boundary was crossed. It has left me feeling broken, drained and has confused me, so much so that I questioned my own sexuality. I told her three weeks ago that I couldn't go on with her anymore, that I felt abused and used by her and that I needed to give my all to my husband. I unfriended her on FB which really made her angry. She can't understand that I need a clean break. I've had no contact with her for a week now. But, I think about her all the time. I miss her daily emails. Sometimes I feel so weak, miss her so much, and it's all I can do not to text her. It kills me to know that she never cared like I did and will replace me easily.

I loved something that didn't exist...and I need rebuild and give my love to my husand, where it belongs and where it is returned. I feel that is already happening the longer I'm away from her.

I'm here hoping to heal and stay on the right track.
I've read so many heartfelt stories, inspiring and supportive posts by members....so glad I found this site. Thanks so much for listening to my story.

Mar 30 - 5PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Female Friend

I have read that the loss of a female friend is really hard for women. I know for myself that my girlfriends have meant a lot to me. Women can get so emotionally close & share everything. Women can provide the emotional closeness which may be lacking in a marriage. The feeling of being understood & genuinelly connected. As opposed to joined by kids, the house & the institution of marriage. This must be hard for you. She was not "careful" of your feelings. She was not attentive to how her behaviors were affecting you. I think it wise to be NC. Just move on.
Mar 31 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

You know, the funny thing is

You know, the funny thing is she wasn't like any other female friend I've ever had. There was no compassion, she never tried to understand me, and she hated talking about feelings. She prided herself on not being like other women....claimed women were too emotional and dramatic. If I pressed to know her feelings, she would shut down. She's manipulative, doesn't think twice about lying and the world does revolve around her. I have reviewed some more of her behavior with michele115 through private message and narcissism, BP or some Cluster B personality disorder seems to be at work. But she felt like my soul mate in the beginning.....then became cold as ice. I'm trying to stay NC. Thanks so much for your support!
Mar 29 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

You have been brainwashed my

You have been brainwashed my dear! Again, you have the answers, this woman is very toxic, Move on and stay away! Idealk
Mar 30 - 1AM (Reply to #2)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Thanks for reading my story

Thanks for reading my story and for making me feel welcome! I'm so glad to be here. Take care! ~kauaigirl