Katmass' Story:

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#1 Sep 2 - 8AM
katmass's picture

Katmass' Story:

I am a 53 year old woman who needs some advice about whether a gentleman I have been having a long distance relationship with is a narcissist.

Back in mid-April I got an unexpected call at work - totally out of the blue - from a guy I lived on the same street with 30 years ago. I was amazed that he had tracked me down after all this time. We immediately hit it off on the phone and I invited him to contact me at my home number or by email. He is a lawyer, very smart, and by his account, very successful. We had a lot of catching up to do but the past association made him easy to talk openly with from the start. There was little awkwardness. His timing seemed perfect as both of us had been divorced for several years and not involved in another relationship. He told me that he had always been "in awe of me from afar, but never had the courage to ask me out." According to him, I was the 'It Girl'; a "goddess." Naturally, I was extremely flattered.

Our early communication became more frequent and we were talking on the phone at least 2-3 times a day and emailing in between. He came to see me two weeks later in early May and there was an obvious physical, emotional and intellectual attraction and we enjoyed a nice weekend together. He slept in my bed and there was some intimacy the first night but he told me that "he hadn't brought protection." I figured he would take care of it the next day but that was not the case so while the weekend was fun for both of us and we reconnected, he seemed reluctant to have sex or engage in any foreplay. I chocked it up to wanting to take it slow and that seemed like a reasonable explanation. He also asked if he could call me "honey" which I found very sweet and a clear indication that he was interested in taking the relationship further.

A couple weeks later he sent me flowers on Mother's Day; I was very moved by his thoughtfulness.

Following his initial visit, and a flurry of heartfelt emails and more phone calls (like clockwork in the morning and before bed, now on a daily basis), he promised to come see me soon but was vague about when (it seemed like he had home improvement projects on every upcoming weekend or had made other commitments such as promising to help a friend repair his deck which I later questioned when his story did not match up but he came up with a quick, plausible excuse which I accepted). I take people at their word.

On June 9 I had hip replacement surgery and went out on disability leave from work, but was nonetheless pretty mobile after a few days. My "Boy Next Door Friend" was still evasive about visiting, did not send me flowers or even a card following the surgery, and I began to notice that the emails were becoming less frequent... and then the phone calls began to taper off.

I tried to talk to him about it, suggesting that maybe it's too taxing for him at this point to maintain this level of long distance communication, given all his home improvement projects and some issues with his kids. He assured me this was not the case, but the evasiveness continued and the conversations always seemed to center on him and his problems.

I started to become agitated and sent him an email saying that it's been 56 days since your last visit and clearly I am not a priority for you so let's move on, and wished him the best. Sensing that I was pulling back, he came to see me the following weekend over the Fourth of July. He arrived on Friday night, spent most of Saturday taking care of "obligations" in Buffalo (about an hour away), and did not want to have sex (said he didn't want to "hurt me" since I was still recovering from surgery). He left abruptly at 5:30 on Sunday morning even though Monday was a holiday.

For me, it was a mixed emotional bag of feeling excited to see him, but also frustrated by the abbreviated time we spent together and hurt by his premature departure, again with a lame excuse which he later contradicted.

There have been two more "promised" visits since then (after not seeing him for almost two months) and he canceled both on short notice. In early August he aborted the visit because "he was scheduled to take the Pennsylvania Bar on Friday. I went online and the schedule for the exam did not match up (another lame excuse).

After the last cancellation a week ago, this time because he had to teach a continuing ed class on Friday and again on Monday and it would be "too rushed", I sent him a dismissive email and have not heard anything from him. I'm not terribly surprised since I basically told him that I wasn't experiencing any positive interaction with him anymore - that even benign friendships are fun, engaging and have an underlying level of commitment - and asked him to discontinue further contact. I had done this once before, though not so sternly, but he continued to contact me. I suspect that I will not hear from him again. However, I got to thinking that this man is at best emotionally detached and at worst, narcissistic (the cerebral kind).

Can anyone offer any insight here? I feel that I did the right thing by cutting him off, and am sad because it seemed like this could have been the perfect relationship with the perfect guy.


Oct 11 - 2PM
terri's picture

a big red flag that caught my attention

"it seemed like this could have been the perfect relationship with the perfect guy." I think this is perhaps the "dream" that we all sell to ourselves and is what ultimately seals our fate. We're looking into the future and imagining what a relationship with this person "could possibly be" and of course pin way too many hopes and dreams on the illusion. We SHOULD be looking at EXACTLY what it is today - here and now - and basing our decision to continue in the relationship on how it makes us feel TODAY - not how good it feels to imagine the perfect future with the facade of who he's presenting. I think you did a very good job of seeing past the facade and saw the reality! I wish I had done that about 8 years ago - would have saved me and others in my life so much heartache and misery!!

Believe in yourself!

Oct 7 - 3PM
fooled no longer
fooled no longer's picture

hes certainly not worth worrying about

is a narc? possibily but he is definately an indecisive childadult that doesnt know what he wants. what he does lije is to keep people dangling, great game! you did good by calling him on it and cutting off. ps. Narcs and Egotists cant deal with any illness, surgery, or need on your part. So thank God you never relied on him being there for you. Count yourself lucky you didnt have sex with or without protection, it sounds like he would have given you fleas.
Oct 6 - 12PM
Meadowbrook's picture

"In awe"

Katmass, one of the things he said to you caught my attention. I worked with a narc and noticed him noticing me from afar and when I returned his attention a bit he launched into full blown charm mode. One of the first things he said was, "I'm kind of in awe of you right now". Interesting how that line makes us immediately feel special and like this is a person who can see that we are interesting and worthwhile. It could be argued it works especially well on those of us who are lacking in positive feedback from others in our lives or general lack of self-esteem. But then again, who wouldn't want to believe someone was in "awe" of them no matter the level of self-esteem! My experience was somewhat similar in that I believe I was involved with a cerebral narc. His lack of focus on the physical relationship was what initially fooled me into thinking he was sincere in his interest in me as a person. Not so! His interest was in making me a notch on his belt, someone to fill his time, give him lots of free advice (who wants to pay for therapy if you can get it for free!), stroke his ego, be controlled and manipulated, etc... Sounds like you had the same type of confusion I had where the initial buildup of interest just never matches up with the follow-through. It was so strange and I remember wondering why he came on so strong and then just withdrew and it fizzled and then he came on strong again when I was losing interest, etc... I think they try to train us to expect and be happy with the absolute minimum. This N of yours wanted to hook you but then make sure you never expected too much from him but would still be around to fill his time if needed. Good for you for figuring it out quickly and giving him the boot. I saw a quote somewhere recently that I love, "Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
Oct 7 - 12PM (Reply to #17)
katmass's picture

Your quote is brilliant!

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option." That's it! You identified the problem. Thank you.
Sep 2 - 9AM
helldweller's picture


Oh, boy. Does your situation remind me of mine! The adoration in the beginning, the flood of phone calls and emails and then the refusal to have sex without any real explanation, the bogus excuses for not making plans, the evasiveness about where he's going and what he's doing with "friends" and "buddies" . . . . Your email was very heartening in a strange way, because though you are obviously confused and upset by this man's behavior, you sound like you are in a really good place and have not lost yourself to this relationship yet. Stay away from him, do not answer if he tries to contact you. This guy is no good, and whethr he is a narcissist or emotionally--and physically--unavailable, who needs it? I told mine a thousand times: "If you want this to be casual that's fine. But you can't tell me it's serious and I'm the only one and you want to marry me and have a family with me when you don't." And he was just insist and insist that he did. You can read my story and see how he played with my trust and love and hopes. I am so glad you are away from the man. Stay away. Good luck!
Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #14)
lisalisa47's picture

His name wouldn't be.......?LOL

KATMASS, When were you with him? if it works out chronologically, we may have been dating the same guy. LOL Lisa Marie


Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #15)
katmass's picture


Now THAT would be funny! Here is the chronology: He called me out the blue on April 14 (I remember because I sold my condo and the closing was that day). He first came to see me on May 2. Then there were promises to see me again before my surgery on June 9. He never came to visit (I live in Rochester, NY - it's a 5 hr drive for him) so I was going to pull the plug on this b.s. and he hightailed it to Rochester, NY to see me again over the Fourth of July weekend. That was the last visit. He lives in northern NJ but works (and during the week stays at the company owned "McMansion" as he refers to it) in Melville, L.I. and commutes back to NJ on weekends. He also owns his family's first house in Buffalo (the house he grew up in before his dad died - he was 9 when his father passed away which is when his mom and his 6 siblings moved onto our street in Buffalo). Never any mention of his siblings (or their children) either! So detached from everyone. It's all mind-boggling to me.
Sep 2 - 11AM (Reply to #7)
katmass's picture

One more thing... and it's pretty funny

I entitled my final email to this guy: "The Little Engine That Couldn't" (sarcastically) based on the children's book. It happened to have been his favorite book as a young child, and I am sure most men remember it if they were read to as children. It was also the perfect insult to his ego because it highlights his impotence. Every man wants to think of himself as strong; as someone who gets the job done (like the steam engine in the book). He could not.
Sep 2 - 12PM (Reply to #8)
lisalisa47's picture

ANd here's my "mean comment" that is also funny, at least to me

My NARC was an play station 3 player, and had several avatars. His newest code name was "Dees nutz on your chin" and one day, he noticed that his avatar wasn;t showing up on the screen. He said out loud, "What happened to dees nutz?" ANd i replied with, I've been asking myself the same thing. He got up with a hurt look on his face, was too stunned to even rage at me, and went to take a shower. MY BAD... Lisa Marie


Sep 15 - 8PM (Reply to #11)
hooklineandsinker's picture

Hah! Mine ignored me

Hah! Mine ignored me sexually for 5 weeks but one morning during this period I noticed that he had a boner while we were both waking up. I pointed this out playfully to him and he said "well sweetie, it happens" and I soooooo wanted to say "not so much, recently" but I didnt' because I didn't want to upset him. To this day I wish I had said that because at least it might have led to a half-adult conversation about what was (or rather, was not!) going on. Oh well. Water under the bridge. He never seemed to have an erection in the morning which I had become accustomed to thinking was normal for most (normal) men.....
Oct 5 - 1PM (Reply to #12)
katmass's picture

Mr. No Boner

I just logged back onto this site and posted an addendum. But replying to your response - yes, men - that is, NORMAL MEN, do get erections (especially in the morning). But we all know that Narcs are not normal, feeling, humans. They are the walking dead. Pity them. I hope you left him and said on your way out the door, well sweetie... it happens."
Oct 5 - 5PM (Reply to #13)
Susan32's picture


While I never had sex with the ex-Psychopath professor, for some reason I sensed I would've needed Viagra if it ever got to the bedroom. Remember, this was in the '90s and Viagra was new on the market. I had thought "well, he's older than me, he might need it." In retrospect, it's because he's emotionally impotent... and probably physically so. While I fantasized about jumping into bed with him (and I had REALLY erotic dreams about him)... I never had to deal with the wet noodle. I prefer Ramen as wet noodles. Those are fine, especially with hot sauce.
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #9)
katmass's picture

That's hilarious!

Probably not the same guy... mine is 52 and does not play computer games as best I can tell.
Sep 2 - 5PM (Reply to #10)
lisalisa47's picture

AND mine isn't all that successful, he justs claims to be

Hi KM, Yours, is 52? Mine well as be 82. With all his aches and pains, moaning and groaning. I should have known better when the first week we were together he let it be known that "he had a new mustang" - mine. That he had credit cards - MINE. That he had a Radio Shack - MINE,,,,parents:) LOL The sad reality is that he is a brilliant carpenter, truly gifted - he just has that ''NEEDS ATTENTION FROM anything that breathes in and out' complex they are so famous for - among his other charming qualities of course. Lisa Marie


Sep 2 - 10AM (Reply to #6)
katmass's picture

Thanks Helldweller

I will read your story and hope the ending is a happy one. My mantra is "shove off" and I hope I have the strength not to cave if he calls me. I hope that I was sufficiently able to shock and injure his ego that he doesn't bother. Or finds another source, which I'm sure he will eventually. These men are very charming and convincing, as you know first hand. Funny that after he canceled his visit in early August, I did not hear from him (no emails or phone calls) for a week. He finally called and said he had been talking to his "self appointed life coach who told him that the only investment he should be making in his life should be in HIMSELF! 9not his children). When I asked him what is a "self-appointed life coach" he said "she is an ex-girlfriend... but very much an 'EX' as she is engaged to someone else." It was odd. Now I realize that she was a source for him for a week which is why he did not need to communicate with me. So he'll find another I'm sure. Good luck to you as well. We all just need to say the "Shove Off" mantra and stay vigilant.
Sep 2 - 9AM
Sherbear's picture

Um wow, it's almost an exact image of mine...

I grew up with my xn 30 years ago on the same street and the emotional attachment was so strong from the beginning. He idealized me and we became inseperable even from long distance, but when he was done...everything started slowing just like yours....they don't want to completely lose you but they want to keep up the facade of the fake image they created either....so they string you along, all the while catching them in lie after lie and all the broken promises of visiting but never coming.... Yes, I believe that your man is a narc...but your strength is unbelievable!! Good for you for being so honest about the way you were feeling...that there was nothing positive happening anymore! Wow! Let him go and keep up the no contact. I know for me it has been very hard to let go of the long ago friendship and the image that this man created and the feelings that he stirred up in me.....but in the long run, I am the winner because of those exact feelings that hurt so much.....for five months I have been able to grieve and dig deep about what I am putting out there that makes me such a magnet to these toxic men......I have been very honest with myself and I am regaining my strength, coming out this smarter and more determined than ever to have a wonderful life and to love as many people as I possibly can, that will not take advantage of that. I will miss what I thought our relationship was and the fun that our families could have had together, but reality is that it was never gonna happen and I don't want it to happen now....I never want my son to be involved with someone like that EVER! Still, I know there will be reunions in the next year and that makes me nervous, but I will cross that brigde when I come to it. My job right now is to work on my recovery, gain clarity and strength and courage.....and to be happy!! The rest will work itself out. Today is 11 days NC for me, feeling good despite some minor quick panics, but I am able to recenter myself and keep going forward. I wish you peace and happiness, Sweetie! You deserve it!!! Blessings, Sherry
Sep 2 - 10AM (Reply to #2)
katmass's picture

Focus on what brings YOU peace of mind - keep busy

Hi Sherry. Thank you so much for your blessings. When I wrote this, I thought: I'm sure no one else has had even a remotely similar experience but lo and behold! Here you are. I have found that first and foremost, I am proud of myself for telling this man to shove off. It brings me some measure of satisfaction knowing that it pissed him off big time because it was a blow to his ego. Now I know that may sound immature. So be it! I am happy that he is back to square one with no one to listen to all his stupid, mundane stories about him, his problems, and the drama he created in his life. I felt like nothing more than a phone friend, a convenience. Yuk. My first red flag was that this man had really bad relationships with both his kids (daughter is 21, son is 25). Early on (in May just a month after rekindling our friendship), he blurted out - this is the truth - "I DETEST both of my children!" Now I have a 24 yr old son who has done things to make me really angry (got caught with pot, got a DUI), but I have NEVER, EVER once felt hatred toward him. The word "detested" never would have entered into my vocabulary to describe how I felt. I had also asked this guy when his birthday was (just in the context of our conversation) and he would not tell me. Okay, well that was stupid but I let it go. Then he emailed me in late July that he was "leaving work early to buy birthday presents" so I asked whose birthday it was and he said "mine." Oh... how nice. It was weird. So I said, well I hope your kids call to wish you a happy birthday and he emailed back, (this is verbatim and so cold) "calls from my children have been requested. Both have said no." Bad sign. He also described his ex-wife as a "real life witch" after comparing me to Samantha Stevens on Bewitched. He calls his boss "the child boss" and has nothing positive to say about her. And the ONLY relationships he seems to maintain are with 85 yr old WWII veterans from his dead father's army unit. He is flying two of them to Chicago this weekend for a reunion in fact. He told me that he thinks of it as "a vacation; he can use the pool and gym at the hotel"... not how I'd like to spend my vacation in Chicago. But he doesn't have to engage with these old men on a personal level and he will be a "hero" for doing such a good deed by flying two of them in. What a great guy everyone will think. Again, this is not normal behavior for a 52 yr old man. Anyhow, the other component of healing is doing what brings you happiness and peace of mind. I work out every day for an hour at the gym (I'm rehabbing from hip replacement surgery so it's a great excuse), I bake, I solicit friends to drop by or go over to see them, and I write all this crap down in a journal which I started keeping back in May when the first "signs" of his narcissism started to present. It helps me maintain some clarity and I can actually see the patterns emerge so I know I'm not nuts or over-reacting or being a "drama queen" (as he called me). It sounds like you are emotionally on the mend as well. My best wishes to us all. I should mention also that my first husband of 23 years was a Narcissist; and probably husband #2 who I am currently getting divorced from after 2 years of marriage (he was also an alcoholic - but I am thinking he is probably a Narc too). Now my focus will be on WHY I am attracted to this type of man. My blessings to you in return. Regards, Kathy
Sep 2 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Sherbear's picture


I was also seperated when my ex came back into the picture. I was 12 when xn and i first met and we were each other's first kiss. I was in a very vulnerable place emotionally 9 months ago when we reunited, And he preyed on that. I must remember that, but there were red flags from the very beginning. His ex wife died from cancer in January (God rest her soul) and she never spoke to him before she died, not even once, not even about the 3 kids they had together. That speaks volumes to me. He texted me and let me know that she passed and I told him how sorry I was and he coldly replied....why???? I said b/c she was your wife and the mother of your children and you loved her. And he never replied back. He painted her to be soooo evil and the reason why his life is soooo messed up. HUGE RED FLAG... But he would tell me and his family that she put up the wall in his heart, but that I was already in there before she did that. He told everyone how I was God's angel and that I saved him. He was addicted to pain killers and I supported him as he detoxed and recovered, b/c he knew his kids were coming. He also has an alcohol problem that he tried to kick but he is drinking again. His 3 kids are with him now. When he broke it off with me in MArch, he did it b/c he had to focus on his recovery and on his kids coming and he needed to get a 9-5 job, which I totally agreed. I knew he needed to do all that and I needed to finish what I had started. So of course, he left lots of hope in the pic. But it was emotionally devastating when he dismissed me. We had only spent 4 physical weekends but it had been 4 months of connection, huge connection on both our parts. I tried to hold on and preserve our longtime friendship, b/c that was so important to me. But the disappearing and no respect for me or my time or feelings and the lies and broken promises all started immediately. I tried to overlook and accept him where he was, but when I saw the pics of him and his new girl on Facebook, that was it! I pieced together the whole sick scenario and and could see exactly who he was, an asshole!! He was telling me he loved me and asking me to meet him, the same time when he courting the ow.......it was all fake.....everything he ever said to me was not true, as much as I want to be believe we helped each other thru a vulnerable time and it was special, it really wasn't. When I blocked him completely from FB and went NC, he got pissed and told me that I am the psycho and that he is going to tell everyone the truth about how I had differnt thoughts about what a few times together meant. He is completely paranoid that I smearing his name all over, which I would never do, I am not like that at all. But yet, he has no problem talking shit about me. He told me to keep his name out of my mouth and leave him alone!!! Ha!! Freaking hysterical!!! I have not replied!!! Ha! You know that burns his ass!! That is just an extra bonus about NC!! NC is really about me removing this toxic man from life and claiming that I will not allow this anymore in my life. It's about me moving on. He would tell me that since the divorce 7 years ago, he had alot of girls..but only if they were heavy drinkers..but that when he was done with them, there was no hiding it, it was all over his face and voice....he jsut went stone cold. And boy was he right!!! He went cold as ice, I had no idea who I was talking or trying to talk too. Chilling to think about. I want to be believe that the first weekend we were together, we referred to as 4 points.....that I saw the man that he really wanted to be. We took off our masks and cried and told each other things that were killing us inside and made our plans for change and it was the most incredible experience I ever had with another person, with out having sex involved. I guess I will never know for sure what happened that day for him, but I know what happened for me. He was able to reach a place in my heart and soul that noone had touched in a long time. I was lost for a long time, after being raped when I was 18 and I just kinda disappeared from life. I had gained over 100 lbs and was just going thru the motions of life. When I reconnected with him, I had just lost 80 of those lbs and I was experiencing ptsd bigtime as I was getting closer to the size i was when the rape happened. So scary as I associated pain with being pretty. He remembered the happy and healthy Sherry, the 12 year old spitfire, the 17 year old homecoming queen, the softball all star, the cutest girl on the block. He was my memory and he sparked something in me. I know that God needed someone to come back in to my life that would penetrate and open my heart so deeply and then leave so that God could come in and heal me. And that is exactly what happened. Narc did his job....and God kept his promise, HE is healing me. He is showing me little revelations and I am finally letting go and releasing so much pain from my life. I know in my heart that I cannot allow these poeple in my life anymore. I am a giver and helper and that is my nature but I am learning boundaries to keep my balance. I cannot allow other people's actions to have such an affect on me and I cannot look for my own validation in other people, I can only get that validation from inside me. I am my best friend...I can trust me and love me and know that I am an awesome person that people love!!! He will never be able to say that. And he knows this deep down. I was great supply for him, but no more! I will not be sucked dry anymore. So many lessons I am learning!!! I still think about him but not with the same desperate loss as i once did, i still miss the thought of who he was, but i am taking it one day at a time and keeping my focus on the future. I have set my goals and I am going for it! I am going to get the 100 lbs lost and if you can beleive it, I will have paid off $80,000 worth of debt in July '11 in 4 years time. I am also starting my masters program at the University of Florida in January....full scholarship!!!! And I have an incredible 5 year old little boy that is the light of my life. My life is amazing and I am going for more amazing!!! I will take the lessons learned but I will leave the man behind. Whew, that feels good to get that out......:o)
Sep 2 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
katmass's picture

You are the Homecoming Queen. Do it for You.

You go lady. You can do it. Thank this man for giving you the impetus to believe in yourself again. Love your son. And love yourself. Shed that fat and reclaim that person who is still inside you, and you WILL meet someone who deserves your kind soul and feisty spirit. And thank God. I am not church-going but I believe that a higher power guides us when we lose our way. Glad you feel better. Me too.