I am a 53 year old woman who needs some advice about whether a gentleman I have been having a long distance relationship with is a narcissist.
Back in mid-April I got an unexpected call at work - totally out of the blue - from a guy I lived on the same street with 30 years ago. I was amazed that he had tracked me down after all this time. We immediately hit it off on the phone and I invited him to contact me at my home number or by email. He is a lawyer, very smart, and by his account, very successful. We had a lot of catching up to do but the past association made him easy to talk openly with from the start. There was little awkwardness. His timing seemed perfect as both of us had been divorced for several years and not involved in another relationship. He told me that he had always been "in awe of me from afar, but never had the courage to ask me out." According to him, I was the 'It Girl'; a "goddess." Naturally, I was extremely flattered.
Our early communication became more frequent and we were talking on the phone at least 2-3 times a day and emailing in between. He came to see me two weeks later in early May and there was an obvious physical, emotional and intellectual attraction and we enjoyed a nice weekend together. He slept in my bed and there was some intimacy the first night but he told me that "he hadn't brought protection." I figured he would take care of it the next day but that was not the case so while the weekend was fun for both of us and we reconnected, he seemed reluctant to have sex or engage in any foreplay. I chocked it up to wanting to take it slow and that seemed like a reasonable explanation. He also asked if he could call me "honey" which I found very sweet and a clear indication that he was interested in taking the relationship further.
A couple weeks later he sent me flowers on Mother's Day; I was very moved by his thoughtfulness.
Following his initial visit, and a flurry of heartfelt emails and more phone calls (like clockwork in the morning and before bed, now on a daily basis), he promised to come see me soon but was vague about when (it seemed like he had home improvement projects on every upcoming weekend or had made other commitments such as promising to help a friend repair his deck which I later questioned when his story did not match up but he came up with a quick, plausible excuse which I accepted). I take people at their word.
On June 9 I had hip replacement surgery and went out on disability leave from work, but was nonetheless pretty mobile after a few days. My "Boy Next Door Friend" was still evasive about visiting, did not send me flowers or even a card following the surgery, and I began to notice that the emails were becoming less frequent... and then the phone calls began to taper off.
I tried to talk to him about it, suggesting that maybe it's too taxing for him at this point to maintain this level of long distance communication, given all his home improvement projects and some issues with his kids. He assured me this was not the case, but the evasiveness continued and the conversations always seemed to center on him and his problems.
I started to become agitated and sent him an email saying that it's been 56 days since your last visit and clearly I am not a priority for you so let's move on, and wished him the best. Sensing that I was pulling back, he came to see me the following weekend over the Fourth of July. He arrived on Friday night, spent most of Saturday taking care of "obligations" in Buffalo (about an hour away), and did not want to have sex (said he didn't want to "hurt me" since I was still recovering from surgery). He left abruptly at 5:30 on Sunday morning even though Monday was a holiday.
For me, it was a mixed emotional bag of feeling excited to see him, but also frustrated by the abbreviated time we spent together and hurt by his premature departure, again with a lame excuse which he later contradicted.
There have been two more "promised" visits since then (after not seeing him for almost two months) and he canceled both on short notice. In early August he aborted the visit because "he was scheduled to take the Pennsylvania Bar on Friday. I went online and the schedule for the exam did not match up (another lame excuse).
After the last cancellation a week ago, this time because he had to teach a continuing ed class on Friday and again on Monday and it would be "too rushed", I sent him a dismissive email and have not heard anything from him. I'm not terribly surprised since I basically told him that I wasn't experiencing any positive interaction with him anymore - that even benign friendships are fun, engaging and have an underlying level of commitment - and asked him to discontinue further contact. I had done this once before, though not so sternly, but he continued to contact me. I suspect that I will not hear from him again. However, I got to thinking that this man is at best emotionally detached and at worst, narcissistic (the cerebral kind).
Can anyone offer any insight here? I feel that I did the right thing by cutting him off, and am sad because it seemed like this could have been the perfect relationship with the perfect guy.