K. I am confused. Which camp do I belong to?

I agree with Klarity Belle, we don't need to belong to one camp or another . . . it's just a "new" way of learning about ourselves, a new way of "seeing" how we got to this point, of clarifying what we have learned about ourselves :) You are I have very similar stories SS, I managed to escape from a very dysfunctional family and be the first person to get a college degree and professional career. I did it with two small children, on my own. I've owned my homes since I was twenty seven years old. All that, and I still fell face first into a damn Narc relationship just when I thought I had it all "together". At the time I met him, I was in a difficult, vulnerable place. My kids were barbarian teenagers, and I was overwhelmed and wanted to be "saved". After some time and healing, I realize all that crap from my FOO is still alive and well, even though I got my stuff together more than any of them ever did. That's why I call myself "Camp 2". But that's just a "way of looking at it", we don't need to belong to any specific camp to get where we are going. There is no other explanation that makes sense to me, why I would after all that time and hard work find myself reinacting my early relationships with a NEW Narc. My exN was extremely smooth, he fooled many more people than me. It's not black and white, it's not "either/or". Either we were somehow vulnerable or we were completely bamboozled. For me it was a bit of both. For the record, I find the word "vulnerable" a much more healthy and truly descriptive word than "weak". My FOO made me vulnerable. I was imprinted like a goose LOL on Narcs. I cannot help this, it may always be there. It is not a "weakness", it is a vulnerability that I must take responsibility for. It's not my fault, it is something I need to watch out for, for myself. Take care of myself for. Not be ashamed of. It would be like being ashamed of having blue eyes and brown hair. I "inherited" it like a genetic trait. Anyway, stop me before I keep rambling lol.

The last thing I wanted to create was confusion about feeling a need to belong to either ‘camp’ or to create a wider divide between the two. Due to the regular wrangles of opinion that come up in posts here, I felt the need to clarify that there were those here from differing historical backgrounds and that the camp 2 types really had the 'we are not to blame' thing down. Having been around for 8 months or so, I do feel that this community was previously under a kind of hold of one particular viewpoint and although I took great benefit from reading posts and articles etc, there was a period of time when I chose not to post. There are a few historical logs where I had these kind of discussions with the then moderator and she did kindly post a blog article which related well to those who came from abused childhoods – she clearly marked underneath the title ‘not to be confused with co-dependency’. This is another point I felt needed clarifying, that those who feel they fit in the camp 2 description may have perhaps labelled themselves co-dependent in the past but NOT now that there are active steps towards self-recovery. Personally the idea of being a co-dep never sat comfortably with me. I think it's healthy all these issues are being discussed so openly and that hopefully ALL will feel safe enough to state their feelings and opinions here without fear of reprisal. The difficult thing is when there is any feeling of judgement - and by that I mean from either camp on the other! Camp 1’s sometimes feel the camp 2’s are suggesting we are somehow responsible for narc abuse and camp 2’s sometimes feel that camp 1’s are saying previous wounding is irrelevant. With these issues cleared up, we can get on with supporting each other through the fallout of narc abuse, which is why we are all here. It is my hope that there will be more unity amongst the board members here, a feeling of safety to ‘be’ exactly who we are right now, a level of authenticity. That in my opinion and from my experience is what makes a strong, safe and supportive online community. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

My therapist talked with me early on about family systems. That you can think of your family members like you would cogs in a machine - each one is adjusted a certain way so that family system can work. So your "cog" has been adjusted in a way that suits your family system. If you had to be more tolerant of behavior that did not have to be tolerated in some other family, your cog has been adjusted to meet that need in your family . . What happens when you are out there in the world? You are more tolerant of behavior that other people may not tolerate at all. So when you're dating . . and this guy who seemed to be so wonderful and different from the other guy in "camp 1" start to test you to see how much you will tolerate, it's up to you to reset your "cog." I think we have all learned here that so called Mr. Wonderful can certainly put on a great show until you find out what lies beneath his mask. That isn't your fault at all. And it's not your fault that you are more tolerant of bad behavior. You needed to be to for your family to survive. Believing in a camp 1 or camp 2? ehhhh . . . There are too many camps. Everybody is different. I'm just glad you are here, learning about yourself and healing. I'm in the process of resetting my "cog." lol