justwantpeace's story

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#1 Jun 26 - 12PM
justwantpeace
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justwantpeace's story

I am new to this

Im sitting here reading and feel others are talking about the man I married. Right now he is withdrawn from me and Im starting to feel lucky at that. I dont even know where to begin and have so many questions I want to ask.

I have been with my stbx for 20years now. We have a wonderful teenage son. It started out great in the beginning, i came from a broken home and had a horrible childhood. It was like he was everything I wanted. It was to good to be true. he seemed to just absolutely adore me and our child. His friends would even say you are all he talks about.

Then I started working 2 jobs to put him thru college. At first he didnt seem to mind. Not long ago he admitted he enjoyed me being gone. Then the blame started that I abandoned him in his own home. He used suicide ploys to keep me in our relationship. He had an affair and tried to justify it as a friendship and she kept him from committing suicide. Now she broke things off because her job got threatened. He wanted us both and I see now why. I was his back up plan for his need. Then he was told to leave if he couldnt give her up. We tried several false reconciliations and she was always in the background. She has issues to. She reminded him of me and told her this, said we had alot of the same mannerisms. he actually came clean that he had the affair, no details. now he says he was just telling me what i wanted to hear. I guess he forgot all the stuff that he said to me and how he must love her.

He always seemed larger than life and at times it was hard to reason with him. Things had to be a certain way. He loves himself. He cant walk by a mirror without looking at himself. He has always been a huge flirt. Always about what he wanted in bed. He says that everything is my fault. I keep our child from him. I look back and he has never been very intimate with me unless he wanted something. AFter sex he would get up and go do something or watch tv. He is very self absorbed. Oh when he tried the suicide ploy and ended up in a mental facility for the weekend. everyone came to see him and i can look back and see how he loved the attention. it was all about him. im seeing right now im lucky he is withdrawn.

I have been having anxiety issues. I have knots in my stomach at the thought of him calling me. i have had family and friends tell me i was obsessing. I felt i was doing everything i could to keep him away and avoiding something happening. It got so bad that i was second guessing myself over everything. I thought if i had done something different we wouldnt be in this. I would panic at the thought of him coming to the house. i was told i wasnt the only one to ever get a divorce. i was told its time just move on and get over it.

i look back now and see how everytime i would catch him he would seem to be up at arms trying to get out of trouble. he was doing everything he could to hang onto me and the other woman. he says in one breath that he is so sorry he wasnt strong enough to hold things together and the next breath is mad that i want no contact or advised to stay away from him. he really had me going. he filed for divorce and then did nothing. he was playing me. he watched fireproof, did things around the house, saying there is always hope. then i found out the other woman was still there and started pushing the divorce thru. he got mad at this. at first i fought to stay in our marriage now i feel im fighting to get out. he says if i hadnt really wanted this i wouldnt have let things go this far. he is furious that we are going to trial. at the first mediation he had the mediator feeling sorry for him. my lawyer said normally she is good but we ended up getting up and leaving.

I have really new to this and have alot of reading to do. i have so much going thru my mind. Im wondering how did i let this happen? how did this happen to me? How do i protect my child. he is using our child, its the only hold he has on me. He is trying to get more time. he even told sons therapist he wanted to know about everything including punishment and if it needed to be carried over to his time. is he for real. he doesnt like to hear me having a good time without him. he doesnt like me getting any attention and says people are stabbing him in the back by telling me stuff. he doesnt care if it hurts me, he only cares that someone said something bad about him.

i want to know where do i start removing him and how to get over him.

Jun 27 - 6PM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

OOOOMMMMGGGG

I have been reading alot of post and OMG sounds just like my stbxh. My sister n law just told me when they all went to eat for dinner for birthday, that they kept talking about the vacation we went on. Yes son and i went on a vacation with his brother and wife and his friend and his wife and son. We had a blast. that didnt set well with him. he went to his brothers best friend complaining about me getting invited and he didnt. The friend said why so you can ruin their vacation. well at the dinner it kept getting brought up about things that happened. her and the other woman that went kept saying no that was $##@%(me) that did that. They said stbxh could not stand to hear i was having a good time without him. They said you could see it on his face and he never would comment on me or make a remark. I also read about competing with the spouse. I never would buy anything because as soon as i did he had to buy something. Oh i have so been reading about my stbx on the other post.
Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #22)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

have you read Lisa's book? You would find it VERY helpful. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 27 - 9PM (Reply to #23)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

fixing to get the book.

fixing to get the book.
Jun 27 - 6PM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

question

Thanks Im going to get to that website. I was reading on here about how they need you to need them. stbx says that Im needy. I try to make sure and do things on my own especially where son is concerned. I noticed that if he is around especially in public that if I dont let him help or get involved the blame game gets started again. thats when i notice the belittling me and the ugliness comes out. Is that a combination of trying to look good to others and having the control over me?
Jun 27 - 8PM (Reply to #20)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

actually him calling YOU needy? Is sheer projection. Projecting Closely linked to hurling accusations is the fine art of projecting. This is both an awful thing to live with and a useful tool for you. I don't mean that you should start projecting. I mean that their projecting can be used to your advantage. Remember that you are their mirror. The things that they accuse you of are the things that apply to themselves. By stepping back and trying to listen objectively instead of getting emotionally hooked, you can get a lot of insight into a narcissist and what he is up to (or is thinking of getting up to). It goes one step further and this is something that I discovered by pure accident with the narcissists in my life. Give them hypothetical problem solving scenarios and listen carefully to their responses. You can get right inside their heads without them even realising it. While they think they are showing you how clever they are, they are in fact revealing themselves in a way that would make them cringe if they realised it. - For goodness sakes never tell them. They will furiously deny it and launch a massive attack against you. An example of how this works: my dad regularly rants and raves about child abusers (amongst many other things). It is extremely interesting to catch him in one of his rants, listen with rapt attention (a sure way to get a narcissist where you want him for a brief while) and ask him questions like, "what do you think causes someone to abuse children?", "why would someone do (whatever your issue) to a child?", "How do we stop child abusers". The answers are astonishing. He will explain to you exactly how an abuser's mind works, what goads them, what they are trying to achieve, what would make them stop and what the most effective form of corrective action would be. While he thinks he is stunning you with his amazingly astute insights into the human psyche, he is in fact giving you a very clear blueprint of himself. With clever questioning and prodding, you can glean an enormous amount of useful information. - Information that could at some point be your lifeline. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-projecting.html ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 27 - 4PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yes

I have posted a number of articles from there. It's run by a woman named "Invicta" (a psychologist?) who found out the truth about Vaknin the psychopath, and then wrote and collected numerous articles on narcissism for victims. correction of the URL: http://narcissism-support.blogspot.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 27 - 4PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

There is a website called

There is a website called Narcissism Support Resources http://narcissisim.blogspot.com/2009/01/greiving-relationship.html The website has a lot of information and on the list of articles on the left is Greiving the Relationship. You might find this interesting. It lists why people greive the end of a relationship and then describes the different reasons why the victim of a narcissist greives. It was insightful.
Jun 27 - 3PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

You are worn down but not

You are worn down but not worn out. You have handled this the best you can and found that there isn't much sympathy for a woman who has this kind of problem. Narcissists have a lot of faces they show to different people but in the end the whole thing just goes into a mess for them. you were interested in monogomy and he liked the girlfriend in the picture. You started moving out of the relationship and he escalated the crazy behavior. I was a witness in a child custody hearing and the husband, who had terrorized his young wife and two sons, was so charming to the hearing officer she almost gave him sainthood on the spot. the next hearing he came with his pants unzipped and liquor on his breath and the hearing officer threw the book at him and threw him out. they can't keep up their game for long. You are going in a good direction-books. Read Lisa's book, write a journal of your own and maybe publish it after the divorce. One thing that you can do and it does work easily in some cases-you just can't laugh-you have to seriously tell him that you feel sad that so many people think he is too good for you. they buy that. he will lose interest in your son if your son is distant. he is only interested in him to punish you. Try to get him to lose interest in both of you that is the easiest way to get out of the crazy trap. There is a really interesting movie about a woman named Betty Broderick who put her husband through school-medical and law school-to be dumped for a younger woman. Maybe you could watch that movie and get some insights. Its different than your situation but has some similarities. The women who post on this site are smart and war weary from dealing with crazy partners you will learn a lot from them. I went through this long ago and came out fine. if I had stayed it would never have been good for me. you are on the right track and be sure to ask specific questions there is someone out there who has the right answer for you. these guys are nuts but the same kind of nut so they tend to do the same things. You have done a great job of oaring your canoe through this guys river of craziness. Just keep on going it will be over soon.
Jun 27 - 8AM
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

peace

This weekend so far has been really calm. He hasnt called me or tried to text me. Im kind of nervous. I keep thinking calm before the storm. In our temp agreement I have to pick son up where he is. I had asked him not to come to the car and he did anyway. My lawyer sent his lawyer a letter suggesting he not do this. That was last week and it caused a blow up. So I thought this week I would take my mom with me. He is to worried about looking good with her. I have less than 30 days til we go to court and son only has 2 more visits with his dad til then. There are no more events happening so that should keep him out of public with son and i. This is what bothers me. I feel like im trying to justify to my actions.
Jun 27 - 11AM (Reply to #15)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

I feel like im trying to justify to my actions. You are because this is HOW HE'S PROGRAMMED YOU TO FEEL. get and read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS for more insight. I also tell ALL WOMEN divorcing a Narc to get a copy of "SPLITTING" by William Eddy, Esq. Read and give it to your attorneys ASAP. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 26 - 12PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

welcome

you must get away from this man seek counseling, even short term. The anxiety, etc is mild PTSD - it is your body's way of telling you to get away from this toxic being. A counselor can help you develop a plan to protect yourself and get away. You did NOTHING wrong. You were targetted and abused. You did NOTHING. I repeat NOTHING WRONG! Get & read Lisa's book Get & read WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS. Welcome to the club none of us planned to be in. Stick around - the members here are great. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 26 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

thanks. Im trying. Im more

thanks. Im trying. Im more convinced now than ever that going to trail is the best thing. I sit and think about things and if he found out son and i were out having fun or building a life, he will start in why isnt my son home and in bed. He is still trying to control me. he blames me and accuses me of keeping son from him. I said ask for more time and i would like advance notice. he doesnt do that. He will call son and make it all about him and not about son. Can kids pick up on this? he is 14. He gets mad when i tell him i dont want to know what he does anymore. he gets mad that i dont believe him either. i can sit and see where he has manipulated me. im going to get those books and read. i sit and think about what family and friends have said to me and it hurts. they tell me im making something out of nothing. that i should just get over him already. the obsessing part hurt the worse. i didnt feel that. I felt i have been trying to keep something from happening so i wouldnt have to deal with the fallout. i have been on pins and needles and one little thing and i could spring thru the roof. i honestly paniced at the idea of him coming to the house. i finally had to tell son he couldnt come to our home. he will show up if son ask him to drop something off. they werent consulting with me if it was ok. when i say no or avoid him coming there he would go off and tell me im keeping son from him.
Jun 26 - 1PM (Reply to #13)
SueH (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

trying and more

You are not obsessing with this guy. You sound like me. I think what you are trying to do is understand what has happened to you in the last 20 years of your life and how you arrived at this place! You want to learn the hows and the whys of what happened so you can learn from it and not make the same mistakes the next time. Right? What we need to understand is that men like this don't fit into any "nice little box" they haven't thought one second about wheather this or anything makes sense to you or not, in fact, it's better for them if they can keep you wondering what's going on!they are only interested in one thing: THEMSELVES!!!!! It's more like "What have you done for me lately!" My point is, Let your head prevail and your heart will eventually catch up. One step at a time and one day,hour,minute at a time. You will begin to see daylight at the end of the misery tunnel. I have been gone 10 months and still struggle to keep sane. We are in the divorce process. Good luck and God Bless you in your new Life!
Jun 26 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

if his lips are moving he's lying. listen to last night's free blogtalkradio show here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim/2009/06/26/How-the-Narcissist-Manipulate-The-Cycle-of-Idealization-to-Devaluation he's full of CRAP - stop listening to his toxic B.S. - you will get peace when you go NO CONTACT. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 26 - 2PM (Reply to #4)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

i can say its more peaceful

i can say its more peaceful with no contact. I have been trying to not engage with him and learn to tune him out sometimes its hard. I have been trying to go no contact and sometimes its been hard because he always seems to be in public where son and I are. So thats what Im working on is to get him out. One of the struggles Ive been dealing with is trying to avoid upsetting him. Why is what I want to know. what for?
Jun 26 - 5PM (Reply to #7)
Amy
Amy's picture

Justwantpeace...

"One of the struggles Ive been dealing with is trying to avoid upsetting him. Why is what I want to know. what for?" I went through the same thing. I always walked on eggshells around him! I was AFRAID to upset him. He was not physically abusive, but oooohhhhh the WRATH!!!!!!!
Jun 26 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

eggshells

Yes! How much time do we or did we spend worrying about upsetting them. I did ALL the time, he made damn sure of it! If he felt I maybe wasn't worrying about him as much, he'd stir up some type of drama to keep me locked in and focused on him. It was much easier to just agree with everything too. Just nod your head and be a good girl! I lost myself, my voice, my opinion. I thought I was doing the right thing and he'd be pleased. I think instead he wound up getting bored. So you're really screwed either way. No more walking on eggshells, YAY! That is a terrible way to live.
Jun 26 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Amy
Amy's picture

Wow...

Quietude... I went through the same process of losing myself. I too would just agree for the sake of it. I tried to twist myself into what he wanted so we would get married (as he promised). When I started disengaging at the end, I would assert myself more. Not often, but I was taking "me" back. He hated it. Damned if you do, damned if you don't... No more eggshells. :)
Jun 27 - 1AM (Reply to #12)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Amy n quietude

I too constantly walked on eggshells. When I would hear the garage door open I knew he was home and I'd panic, I'd scramble to make sure things were tidy and the thermostat was adjusted to his level. Arghhhhh I get so mad thinking about that now. It's no way to live. "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jun 26 - 7PM (Reply to #10)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

walking on eggshells is no way to live

take the Emotional Abuse Quiz: http://compassionpower.com/EmotionalAbuseQuiz.php
Jun 27 - 1AM (Reply to #11)
Jodie
Jodie's picture

Thx barbara

I love your postings! They are so helpful "Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

"Cry now because you lost him or cry later because you have him."

Jun 26 - 5PM (Reply to #5)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justwantpeace

because he's trained and controlled and programmed you to "walk on eggshells" seek counseling read the books NO CONTACT ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
Jun 27 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
justwantpeace
justwantpeace's picture

child

right now Im feeling a little peace and a little guilty for son. Son went to his dads this weekend. He didnt seem excited about it. I told him not to go if he didnt want to. Then Im feeling a little peace by myself and he isnt bothering me. i was thinking back and told sons therapist that i had craved the attention son was getting again from stbx and that I would love to have that. Its like he is trying to pick up where he left off with son and the last couple of years didnt happen. It hurt because it felt like a form of punishment, he was giving to son and withholding from me. I see now he was clinging to son to get what he needed and also using him as a way to get to me. That is his only way because we have nothing left together other than son. I hate it for him. He didnt ask for this. stbx is doing this and still trying to keep me there in a manner. in our temporary agreement I have to pick son up where he is staying. He always comes out to the car even after I have asked him not to. My lawyer just sent a letter to his lawyer suggesting he not do that. That is one of the ways it makes it hard to have no contact with him. He is worried about looking good. I think until we go to court Im going to take someone with me. This way if anything happens I have a witness.