JustVicki's Story

Still broken hearted

My narc broke up with me after a year of hell. He insisted I lose weight, dye my hair, let my hair grow out, he hated my sweet dogs. Why did I love this man?

He was my reunited high school boyfriend. I remembered a sweet gentle young man who I always felt guilt about. Even after I married, reared a son, then divorced after 30 years, I had never forgot him.

We reunited on social media. Little did I know, he was living with another woman, even though at 59, he has never married.

I was now the OW. I didn't even know about his girlfriend until weeks into our relationship. He conveniently forgot to tell me about her. By then, I was hooked, like a drug addict on heroin. Plus he kept promising me that he was going to leave her once I completed my "makeover."

After one year of being criticized, verbally abused and compared to the current girlfriend, I finally called her and as politely as I possibly could, told her everything. This was only after a year of begging him to be honest with her. It wasn't fair to either woman. When I finally decided to call her, I knew this would probably end our relationship.

After I told her, he D&D'd me. She is still with him.

After an unsuccessful suicide attempt the day he broke up with me two months ago, I became NC. So did he. I was out of his life. Probably immediately erased from his thought process.

First of all, let me say I had become severely depressed for months and been seeking therapy for the first time in my entire life, because of all the evil tactics he had used against me in his "goody bag". I didn't know if I was coming or going. And hearing him nonchalantly tell me that he and his girlfriend were going to try to "piece things back together" was just too much.

I believe the suicide attempt was due to being severely depressed and I had just reached the end of my rope.

Last week, after lunch and wine with a friend, I was a little tipsy and broke NC, wrote him at work and basically grovelled.

I immediately regretted what I had done. That was late on a Friday. By Monday morning, I had emailed his office again, explained that it was wine talking, not me. I also wrote that I had no interest whatsoever in having any form of relationship nor communication with him again. As far as I was concerned, he did me a favor by breaking up with me. I thanked him, because I felt it had actually saved my life in the long run. I told him that I pray for him every night, that he is a narcissist and I hope he will eventually find peace. He is a bitter, angry man.

I assured him that he would be getting no more emails or communication from me.

But I'm still beating myself up for what I did. I know in my mind he is a sick individual and really messed with my mind for an entire year, just playing a sick game with me, a cruel, cruel joke, but my heart hasn't caught up with my brain, yet.

I'm trying. Just so ashamed I gave him the satisfaction of an email. JustVicki