I left my Narcissistic Ex for good about a month ago. I tried about 7 times before to leave him. I have loved and known him for 20 years. 20 years ago, all I could see "different" in him was his constant bad mood and impatience. I just put up with it...it didn't really bother me. I lost contact with him for about 4 years, he is a government employee overseas and had left the military.
So, he was all over the place and I had a life to live. Two years ago, he found me (which I later discovered he paid $$$$ to find me) and sent me an e-mail. We picked up where we left off, almost like nothing had changed. WRONG...he changed. He was more hurtful, less supportive, more brutal with his opinions and finally started with the asking me for web cam pictures, sex stories and phone sex. I was horrified the first time he just out and texted me about what he wanted to do to me. I didn't see that behavior surfacing until it was too late.
Being the gentleman that he thinks he is (barf!), he told me he had 2 other women interested in him as well. I told him he wasn't getting any intimate stuff from me unless he was with me and me only. He NEVER asked me to date him, never told me anything about his feelings....he only told me what he wanted to do to me sexually, which was more or less raping me without physically doing so. My stomach would be sick and I would cry. I lost my job because I was so sick I couldn't think straight.
Oddly, when I told him I had always loved him and I didn't want to do those things, he got worse and basically called me an untrustworthy slut. I would lay the phone down when he started talking nasty. He would IM me and start telling me the same nasty stuff...always sexual perversion and always nasty. He is obsessed with pornography. Right out of the blue, literally, one weekend, I called him and told him I couldn't take anymore of being his personal "sex toy" and I was scared he would never love me for other reasons and that he was going to use me and leave me. His response "I decided today that you have hooked the fish... now you have to reel him in slowly"???? HUH? He wanted to be with me.
The very next day, I sent him an e-mail asking him if I could come over to Europe to stay with him for awhile and we could work on things. I knew in my heart that I was compromising my boundaries, my pride, my self esteem and my self worth. I couldn't let him go. Once he read my e-mail, he went absolutely NUTS. He did not want me over there....period. I couldn't figure out what I had done for him to be so mean. I just blew up at him and told him off....it had been months of his lies, manipulations and insults.
The same day, he told me I had lost him and that it would be a very long time before "we" would try that again. He said I was moving too fast and he lied, lied, lied. It is ok for him to sexually "rape" me everyday, but when I wanted to work on the relationship, I was going too fast.
Here is the ultimate knife through my heart... he has been stalking me for the past 20 years and I never knew he was around. He admitted that he had watched me in the shower and such a couple of times (we were only friends then). He admitted to paying people to find me...so I think he has always known exactly where I was. About a year before he came back into my life, I was being followed for months. I couldn't figure out who it was. Once he was back into my life, the following escalated and he began to call and hang up on my phone and also sit in silence on the phone after I answered. I confronted him last month about the phone calls and having me followed... the jerk changed his screen name, refuses to talk to me and has absolutely disappeared off of the face of the earth. The phone calls and following have since completely stopped. This man said the following things to me: "once I get my hands on you, you are mine", "I have a box of duct tape in my basement with your name on it", "remember, I never have said or done anything bad to you", "the Police will never catch him (the one following me)", "it is hard to become a lover of someone I consider to be my sister" (AFTER he started talking nasty to me, he said this) and one of my favorites..."if you stray too far, I know how to get you back"....how nice. He had me under his spell... brainwashed and accepting his abuse.
There is so much more to this story. But, I have shared most of it. This man is a psychopath. He is a sexually driven narcissist who will always keep me looking over my shoulder. I don't think I will ever get rid of him. H
e always told me I was "special, not just another woman who had been in his life". What a crock of crap.
I decided to add to my story. After reading through posts here, I can find better words to describe what my Ex N did. Not only was he the master of deceit and the silent treatment, but he had Projection down to a science. He lived for opportunities to place his ugliness onto me. In the end, this is what made me so physically sick that I lost my job. He constantly accused me of doing things and being things that were just not true. He accused me of being everything from a liar to a stalker! He actually accused me of stalking him one time "You don't love me, you are stalking me" is what he said when he was mad at me for calling him out on another woman.
He started telling me I was untrustworthy, unbalanced and told me that I lied. Usually, I got slammed with his rage when I called him out on a lie or on his stories that didn't match up.
I still cry and get sick to my stomach (today is one of those days) when I think of all the hateful things he said to me. It is perfectly clear now that he wanted for me to suffer. He has a sadistic streak toward me. One day he wanted me with him and the next day I was a mean spirited and lying b****. Overnight, he was someone else. Before I ended it, he actually was telling me that from one day to the next I was the one that was changing "moods and thoughts". Projection is a dangerous part of dealing with these men. Often, I think it cuts deep into your view of yourself and damages your self-worth...my Ex started getting more and more evil every day. Sick.
I appreciate all the support I receive
If it helps at all
Barbara : )
They are not that smart sometimes!