Just_Escaped's story
Just_Escaped's story
After about two years in a relationship with my N, I had had enough. Without a pattern of emotionally or physically abusive relationships in my past, I was somewhat blindsided by the charm and seeming sincerity of this man. He seemed to be so different from all the men I had dated in the past...so caring, supportive, so romantic and so "in to me." I did not know at the time that the fact that he came on so strong, telling me he loved me and wanted to be married to me in the first weeks and months, was actually a red flag.
The funny thing is that, by nature, I am actually a pretty independent, "non-koolaid drinking" kind of gal. I can see bs coming from a mile away, but for some reason, I was blinded by his stories of a tough life, his ability to pull himself up by his bootstraps and take charge of his own life, despite the rough early life experiences he'd had.
As time went on, I was unfortunately the victim of multiple rages, usually spurned on by completely stupid things, things that no one I know would make a big deal about. He would take things I said as attacks, and then would spend the next three hours raging, belittling me, getting in my face, and then blaming me for the entire event. I was horrified, shocked, and taken off-guard. Was there something I was really doing to deserve this reaction? I've been living for over three decades now, and no one has reacted to me in this way!!!!!!! Confusion....
To make a long story short, he would never want to resolve any issues and used loads of gaslighting techniques to keep me from being able to address the ongoing problems. My own sanity was questioned, and the guilt trips he'd put me through were mind numbing. Sometimes, I couldn't tell if I was coming or going. After such events (raging, preventing me from escaping/holding me hostage, telling me how horrible I am), he would cry and beg for forgiveness OR completely act like nothing had happened, calling the next day to see if I wanted to go to a movie as if we were a normal, loving couple. He would even try to get me to pick out engagement rings, as if I would want to marry someone who treated me like this? I would tell him that it was ridiculous for him to believe that I would marry him when he refused to sit down and talk about our ongoing problems. Marriage was not even a possibility! Then, with his teeth gritted together, he would say in a very disgusting, demeaning tone, "I never asked you to marry me." I'm like, "ok, then what did you do?" You've been telling me you want to marry me and trying to get me to pick out a ring, yet, you haven't "technically" asked me, so I'm not supposed to notice??? Am I the only one that finds this ridiculous and demeaning? I don't think someone would treat you like that if they truly loved you. I think it was all about compliance. Just doing what he had to to get me to "buy in." Sorry, I needed more than that.
So, the final straw was in July, when I went on a trip with him. It always seemed like he wanted to take me on trips, and then afterwards, he would talk incessantly about how many "nice things" he did for me and how "ungrateful" I was. He had purchased a used car two weeks prior, and had already had some "issues" with it, and while we were driving down the road, the car just turned off. We looked at each other with concerned looks on our faces. I then expressed concern that this seemed to indicate that the car needed to be looked at (I realized I was walking on egg-shells), trying to express my concern for him and for his property, showing support in the hopes that he would see that I wanted him to protect himself. He took this statement as an attack on his ability to select a quality automobile, and proceeded to yell at me for the next three hours (in the car, and in the hotel room). He raged on and on about how cruel I was to him, and by this time, I went from being scared, to just plain disgusted. People in the hotel witnessed him yelling at me, and I worried that we would be asked to leave. I never gave into his raging, and he later tried to blow it off, saying that he hoped I knew how much he loved me and how I just needed to not incite him to anger.
So, when we got back from the trip, I broke up with him (once I was safely back at home), and it was horrible for both of us. I abided by the NC rule, changed my phone number, but failed to block him from email. Then all the flowery emails started rolling in. He just went on and on about how much he had hurt me and how he missed everything about me. How he hoped that one day I would be able to forgive him and take him back. How he understood that I didn't want to see him, but he hoped at one point, I would meet him to give him an opportunity to express his sorrow in person. At this point, I was in therapy because I was suffering from a severe backlash of depression, anxiety, and identity issues. I did not respond, but I was overcome with a strange longing for him and how things "used to be." It took a few weeks, but I finally responded, telling him I would meet him in a public place to give him the opportunity to explain whatever he needed to explain. When I got there, he was thrilled to see me, but he never brought up anything about sorrow, any real examples or specifics of what he'd done during our relationship (verbal, emotional, psychological abuse paired with threats of physical abuse....restraining, finger in the face, throwing things). When I brought it up and reminded him that that is why we were there, he said that he didn't want to "mess up our evening" with that stuff (as if we were on a date). I reiterated the fact that I had only agreed to meet for a specific purpose. He then turned it around on me, saying that I was just ruining our time together (by demanding some sort of resolution/backup for what he said in the emails). He told me that he did not "owe" me any kind of explanation for what he will or won't do in the future. That it's not my business! He asked me how long I was going to hold this over his head, saying that it was my job to forgive him and that he "deserved respect." What? No one deserves respect. You earn it and embody it! Am I right? This was all very confusing, and although I knew that it was not normal or indicative of someone who is truly sorry for their actions, I still felt very torn.
I left, but we texted and talked on the phone a little bit, but the conversations became shorter and shorter because I kept insisting that he give me a reason to want to stay involved with him...he had broken my trust so many times (even using very personal information I had shared with him against me when he wanted to control me or win an argument). In fact, I told him that I had had a lot of panic attacks since our break up, and he used that information against me when I wouldn't let him control me this time around, saying "maybe the reason you don't trust me and can't let this go is because of your panic attacks. Do you think that could be it?" No asshole....I have panic attacks because of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, needless to say, the relationship didn't get off the ground again. I told him he was a f***ing loser, and he couldn't believe I would say this. Sadly, I did end up apologizing for using profanity, but I made sure he knew that I wasn't apologizing for the sentiment, just for the delivery. This didn't matter. He was so VICTIMIZED by my telling him that, that he completely used it to avoid the real issue...that he is a jackass and I know it. He does everything to avoid responsibility. His latest stunt is to make it look like he is rejecting me.
I've been in therapy now for a couple of months, and my stack of self-help books about NPD, Abusive/Violent Men, Emotionally Abusive relationships, Gaslighting, etc. is about 6 feet tall! The main problem I am having at this point is getting over the fact that he thinks he is avoiding me now! How ridiculous is this? That he thinks I am the faulty one (can't control my anger), and he is doing well to be free of me!!!!!!! I think someone must have advised him that in order for him to control his anger, he should not engage in discussion. Which, is not the answer, in my opinion. How can you live like that? Just not talking to someone if you start to feel angry? And cutting that person off, as if they're the problem? How did this happen? Why did I even agree to meet up with him to discuss this? I can say with a pretty strong sense of certainty that the reason things didn't work out AGAIN was that I demanded specifics about what he was sorry for and what he was going to do differently. I kept pushing this point, insisting that it be addressed and telling him how much damage he had done (not something that could be recovered from anytime soon). This didn't sit well with him (he was entitled to instant forgiveness), so I guess he just discarded me. The last time I talked to him...if you can call it that (2 weeks ago), I called him to clarify what I was sorry for and what I wasn't sorry for. He pushed talk on his phone and proceeded to mock me over the phone to the people in the room, trying to make it look like I was not getting the picture, that we were broken up!!!!!!!! It was horrible!!!!!!!!! I have never been treated like this!!!!!! It was sadistic! I hung up and have had NC.
I am truly still reeling from this experience, and it seems that I'll have a really good day, followed by a really bad one. Why do I even care??? It's so scary how people (who you have given your heart to and who claim to love you) can screw you over this badly! With no remorse! And, I'm the one that broke up with him for very good reason, and somehow, he thinks he has turned this around and mocked me to other people!
I hope I can move on sometime soon. I want my fond memories of the good times and the good things about him to go away. I feel like my whole being has been ripped to shreds and he's just walked away scott free. Does anyone have any advice? Do you think he's gone for good?
I appreciate the help, and I know this is long : )
oh gurl!!
justescaped
went to the same school as mine
it's just what they do
The N Personality does not learn, and doesn't react
Thank You
Just Escaped