Just_Escaped's story

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#1 Nov 16 - 11AM
Just_Escaped
Just_Escaped's picture

Just_Escaped's story

After about two years in a relationship with my N, I had had enough. Without a pattern of emotionally or physically abusive relationships in my past, I was somewhat blindsided by the charm and seeming sincerity of this man. He seemed to be so different from all the men I had dated in the past...so caring, supportive, so romantic and so "in to me." I did not know at the time that the fact that he came on so strong, telling me he loved me and wanted to be married to me in the first weeks and months, was actually a red flag.

The funny thing is that, by nature, I am actually a pretty independent, "non-koolaid drinking" kind of gal. I can see bs coming from a mile away, but for some reason, I was blinded by his stories of a tough life, his ability to pull himself up by his bootstraps and take charge of his own life, despite the rough early life experiences he'd had.

As time went on, I was unfortunately the victim of multiple rages, usually spurned on by completely stupid things, things that no one I know would make a big deal about. He would take things I said as attacks, and then would spend the next three hours raging, belittling me, getting in my face, and then blaming me for the entire event. I was horrified, shocked, and taken off-guard. Was there something I was really doing to deserve this reaction? I've been living for over three decades now, and no one has reacted to me in this way!!!!!!! Confusion....

To make a long story short, he would never want to resolve any issues and used loads of gaslighting techniques to keep me from being able to address the ongoing problems. My own sanity was questioned, and the guilt trips he'd put me through were mind numbing. Sometimes, I couldn't tell if I was coming or going. After such events (raging, preventing me from escaping/holding me hostage, telling me how horrible I am), he would cry and beg for forgiveness OR completely act like nothing had happened, calling the next day to see if I wanted to go to a movie as if we were a normal, loving couple. He would even try to get me to pick out engagement rings, as if I would want to marry someone who treated me like this? I would tell him that it was ridiculous for him to believe that I would marry him when he refused to sit down and talk about our ongoing problems. Marriage was not even a possibility! Then, with his teeth gritted together, he would say in a very disgusting, demeaning tone, "I never asked you to marry me." I'm like, "ok, then what did you do?" You've been telling me you want to marry me and trying to get me to pick out a ring, yet, you haven't "technically" asked me, so I'm not supposed to notice??? Am I the only one that finds this ridiculous and demeaning? I don't think someone would treat you like that if they truly loved you. I think it was all about compliance. Just doing what he had to to get me to "buy in." Sorry, I needed more than that.

So, the final straw was in July, when I went on a trip with him. It always seemed like he wanted to take me on trips, and then afterwards, he would talk incessantly about how many "nice things" he did for me and how "ungrateful" I was. He had purchased a used car two weeks prior, and had already had some "issues" with it, and while we were driving down the road, the car just turned off. We looked at each other with concerned looks on our faces. I then expressed concern that this seemed to indicate that the car needed to be looked at (I realized I was walking on egg-shells), trying to express my concern for him and for his property, showing support in the hopes that he would see that I wanted him to protect himself. He took this statement as an attack on his ability to select a quality automobile, and proceeded to yell at me for the next three hours (in the car, and in the hotel room). He raged on and on about how cruel I was to him, and by this time, I went from being scared, to just plain disgusted. People in the hotel witnessed him yelling at me, and I worried that we would be asked to leave. I never gave into his raging, and he later tried to blow it off, saying that he hoped I knew how much he loved me and how I just needed to not incite him to anger.

So, when we got back from the trip, I broke up with him (once I was safely back at home), and it was horrible for both of us. I abided by the NC rule, changed my phone number, but failed to block him from email. Then all the flowery emails started rolling in. He just went on and on about how much he had hurt me and how he missed everything about me. How he hoped that one day I would be able to forgive him and take him back. How he understood that I didn't want to see him, but he hoped at one point, I would meet him to give him an opportunity to express his sorrow in person. At this point, I was in therapy because I was suffering from a severe backlash of depression, anxiety, and identity issues. I did not respond, but I was overcome with a strange longing for him and how things "used to be." It took a few weeks, but I finally responded, telling him I would meet him in a public place to give him the opportunity to explain whatever he needed to explain. When I got there, he was thrilled to see me, but he never brought up anything about sorrow, any real examples or specifics of what he'd done during our relationship (verbal, emotional, psychological abuse paired with threats of physical abuse....restraining, finger in the face, throwing things). When I brought it up and reminded him that that is why we were there, he said that he didn't want to "mess up our evening" with that stuff (as if we were on a date). I reiterated the fact that I had only agreed to meet for a specific purpose. He then turned it around on me, saying that I was just ruining our time together (by demanding some sort of resolution/backup for what he said in the emails). He told me that he did not "owe" me any kind of explanation for what he will or won't do in the future. That it's not my business! He asked me how long I was going to hold this over his head, saying that it was my job to forgive him and that he "deserved respect." What? No one deserves respect. You earn it and embody it! Am I right? This was all very confusing, and although I knew that it was not normal or indicative of someone who is truly sorry for their actions, I still felt very torn.

I left, but we texted and talked on the phone a little bit, but the conversations became shorter and shorter because I kept insisting that he give me a reason to want to stay involved with him...he had broken my trust so many times (even using very personal information I had shared with him against me when he wanted to control me or win an argument). In fact, I told him that I had had a lot of panic attacks since our break up, and he used that information against me when I wouldn't let him control me this time around, saying "maybe the reason you don't trust me and can't let this go is because of your panic attacks. Do you think that could be it?" No asshole....I have panic attacks because of YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, needless to say, the relationship didn't get off the ground again. I told him he was a f***ing loser, and he couldn't believe I would say this. Sadly, I did end up apologizing for using profanity, but I made sure he knew that I wasn't apologizing for the sentiment, just for the delivery. This didn't matter. He was so VICTIMIZED by my telling him that, that he completely used it to avoid the real issue...that he is a jackass and I know it. He does everything to avoid responsibility. His latest stunt is to make it look like he is rejecting me.

I've been in therapy now for a couple of months, and my stack of self-help books about NPD, Abusive/Violent Men, Emotionally Abusive relationships, Gaslighting, etc. is about 6 feet tall! The main problem I am having at this point is getting over the fact that he thinks he is avoiding me now! How ridiculous is this? That he thinks I am the faulty one (can't control my anger), and he is doing well to be free of me!!!!!!! I think someone must have advised him that in order for him to control his anger, he should not engage in discussion. Which, is not the answer, in my opinion. How can you live like that? Just not talking to someone if you start to feel angry? And cutting that person off, as if they're the problem? How did this happen? Why did I even agree to meet up with him to discuss this? I can say with a pretty strong sense of certainty that the reason things didn't work out AGAIN was that I demanded specifics about what he was sorry for and what he was going to do differently. I kept pushing this point, insisting that it be addressed and telling him how much damage he had done (not something that could be recovered from anytime soon). This didn't sit well with him (he was entitled to instant forgiveness), so I guess he just discarded me. The last time I talked to him...if you can call it that (2 weeks ago), I called him to clarify what I was sorry for and what I wasn't sorry for. He pushed talk on his phone and proceeded to mock me over the phone to the people in the room, trying to make it look like I was not getting the picture, that we were broken up!!!!!!!! It was horrible!!!!!!!!! I have never been treated like this!!!!!! It was sadistic! I hung up and have had NC.

I am truly still reeling from this experience, and it seems that I'll have a really good day, followed by a really bad one. Why do I even care??? It's so scary how people (who you have given your heart to and who claim to love you) can screw you over this badly! With no remorse! And, I'm the one that broke up with him for very good reason, and somehow, he thinks he has turned this around and mocked me to other people!

I hope I can move on sometime soon. I want my fond memories of the good times and the good things about him to go away. I feel like my whole being has been ripped to shreds and he's just walked away scott free. Does anyone have any advice? Do you think he's gone for good?

I appreciate the help, and I know this is long : )

Nov 16 - 9PM
Bigmango (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

oh gurl!!

I went through this about 15 years ago. Please, do not EVER speak to this man again. If you see him in the street, either run him over with your car, or run the other way. I'm convinced that mine had 666 tattooed on the back of his neck! It took me many many months to get over the spiritual/emotional breakdown this creep caused me to have. And I was with him for only 6 months!!! I called it the "cult of one". Yes, the hours of berating emotional vomit on me, and yes, the physical restraining so that I couldn't get away...wow. Stay. Away. Stay. Away. You are a wonderful woman, smart, and competent. This guy needs to burn in hell. Mine would like to go away with me so that he could "trap" me...and I couldn't get away...and he would find the oddest things to go off about...just like your guy, FOR HOURS...and I would try to leave, and he would hold onto my arms so I couldn't get away. I was so young, and he was 20 years older than me, and had a PHD in psychology...He would leave bruises, but I didn't know it was assault at the time. Good for you for getting away, and now you are getting help. I know the feeling of wanting to FIX it...but it will never be fixed. he will probably say horrific things about you...but who cares...you got away, and you, I and every woman on this blog know's he's the crazy maniac. I don't think the title Narcissist is adequate for this type...we need to come up with a more accurate one..like...NS...Narcissist on Steroids!! go check out EFT...Emotional Freedom Technique....Tap every day for a week, and you will forget you ever knew him, and the panic attacks will go away and you will be free, in your heart and in your spirit. (lots of FREE videos on You Tube...)
Nov 16 - 9PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

justescaped

Welcome, you are in the RIGHT place. I am glad you found Lisa's site, I can attest to the fact that it is a LIFE SAVER. You'll find how similar your story is with others, including mine. Please read through all the posts, you won't believe it. That's the best advice I could give you right now...just READ through this site. You will be comforted to know that you were not at fault in any of this, and you are definitely not crazy! That was a big one for me. :)
Nov 16 - 8PM
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

went to the same school as mine

Your guy seems to have taken the same course in N School as mine! I cannot believe the similarities. Praise your lucky stars you did not marry him. Mine only began to show his real colors after I married him. Your guy is into the Mind F**k just like mine. Insidious & sinister & sadistic. Projections . . . everything he's doing he's projecting on to you! And he's clever & manipulative--just a sliver of truth to confuse you. NC! Block his e-mails, texts, everything blocked. He's gonna toy with you a long time if you let him. He wants to demean you & humiliate you & then make you express your gratitude for what a good man he is. He's into the verbal harangue. If he's like mine, he thrives on emotional engagement & verbal jousting. He'll drive you totally crazy. There is no reasoning with him. He's unreasonable. The guy is crazy. Stop trying to make sense . . . there is no sense. And everything is, according to him, your fault--he'll never apologize. You've been used & abused. Me too. I feel often the way you do. You are not alone. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Nov 16 - 1PM
nebraska_sue
nebraska_sue's picture

it's just what they do

and exactly the reason that NC is the only option. I went throught something similar: refusal to take responsibility for his actions "I don't owe you anything" and the ultimate denial and smear campaign to anyone who knew us both and anyone else who will listen for many reasons -for sympathy -for potential new NS -to protect his precious image I have good days and bad days too. I also wish I could just get over it. But I just have to let the bad days happen, set time limits on how much I let myself brood (and make it productive brooding - remember that the good times weren't anything but an illusion), make plans for the future, keep busy doing things that engage my brain and know that the bad days will become fewer and fewer. Good luck to you, good luck to me, good luck to all of us :)
Nov 16 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
Amazed
Amazed's picture

The N Personality does not learn, and doesn't react

The N personality will act like "nothing happened" because I truly believe they FORGET easily all the B---S--t they have done to people, and then start over like "ok, its time for you to love up on me again",,,they have no concept of continuity in a relationship. You can go through the most dramatic of fights, throwing things, ripping clothing, hitting, pushing, kicking, and that night they want to sleep up next to you and f--- you in the morning and be happy about it. It is not normal. It is not good, happy, or healthy to be abused by this kind of guy. We do so much for them, fall,,yes,,into their dependency issues. Mine lost his mother when he was 18, had a terrible head concussion, had an abusive wife,,yaaaadaaa yaaada yaaada,, it was ALL the sympathy ploy ( aren't men suppose to be the strong one's here ???!) No,,, they want you to be all the strength and endurance of the relationship. Take them back after they have shit on you.. Cheated their asses off on you,, lied to your ff---ing family, and kids, , and humiliated your relationships at work.. Made you break down emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially. They forgot that they did all this. We strive for "understanding" " clarification" and " go over and resolve what happend so we can more on" ,,,together,,is what WE are thinking. There IS NO WE IN A N RELATIONSHIP. Not kids, not dogs, not spouses, nothing. There is no WE in the relationship. It is literally, unequivacably,,all,,,all about them. Thier kids graduating pictures.. It is all about them. The house you helped finance for them? It is all about them. The vacation you went on togther ? It is all about them. The shower curtain and decorating you did for him? It is all about him. They will take all they can take from you, and they will not remember how pissed off you get. So you get more pissed of.. the more you want to settle the score. Nurture. Guess what. There is no settling the score.
Nov 17 - 7PM (Reply to #3)
Just_Escaped
Just_Escaped's picture

Thank You

Hi All: Thank you for your speedy response. I really don't know how to thank you for your input and willingness to support someone who you've never met. This is really an overwhelming feeling. It is so valuable to have your support, and I hope I can offer you the same. I will take all of your advice, read as much as I can on this website, and continue to read anything I can get my hands on online and at the bookstore. I would appreciate any recommendations you may have about reading I could do, and I'm happy to make similar recommendations. Regarding the healing process, does it just take a lot of time to go through the stages of grief? I can really see how important this website and individual support is because time passes, and it feels like you might give in (become compliant), which I know on an intellectual level, I can't do. But, sadly, the desire to have the good is there. I know it's just an illusion. When you accept that, I guess it's just supposed to get better...over time. So, have all of you just made a clean break (NC), walked in the other direction, never to look back? How does everyone cope with the feelings that you still have (anger, love, etc.) that doesn't just go away with the decision to leave? I'm trying to spend quality time reconnecting with friends and reminding myself of the good things in my life, who I am, etc. It's just hard to start over.
Nov 17 - 9PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Just Escaped

So, have all of you just made a clean break (NC), walked in the other direction, never to look back? How does everyone cope with the feelings that you still have (anger, love, etc.) that doesn't just go away with the decision to leave? We HAD to go NC... there was no way we would heal or have any relief without it. If you PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE start looking around ALL the pages on MESSAGE BOARD you will see LOADS of posts of the struggles of dealing with our feelings and NC. There is also LOADS on MY BLOG about this. No reason to repost it for you - if you look it's all here. Here's just a couple of must reads: http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/17/detaching-narcissist http://www.lisaescott.com/2009/10/14/recommended-reading-victims I can not stress the importance of THERAPY with a therapist who GETS IT about PATHOLOGY. It's not an IF, it's a MUST. Healing from a Pathological takes at LEAST 18 months - time lots of time, therapy, meds if you need and ABSOLUTE NO CONTACT from the evil creature. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help