Just when you think he's gone forever

I checked my last log-in here: 8/10/12.

Almost a year. It's been almost 2 years since the final D&D, since it all blew up in my face, since I realized that he was screwing 6 other women, since his supposed "fiance" emailed me patronizing and saying how she just knew a nice girl like me would find love with someone (just not HER someone), since I felt like I couldn't breathe, since I cried so long, loud and hard I was sure my body would break into 1,000 pieces, since I wished the bed would just swallow me whole amongst the blankets.

He tried to friend request me on FB last year, on my daughter's birthday. I had a mild tail-spin then, but deleted/blocked/ignored. It took a while for that pit to leave my stomach. And then it was quiet.

Do not let your guard down, friends. They are insidious in their attacks. They are sneaky little creatures, these sociopaths...

Email, time stamped 1:25am, titled "YOU":

"Need you, Sara."

That's it? I... well, I... I burst out laughing. REALLY? That's it, you piece of shit? THAT'S what you came up with? I was almost disappointed in him for lack of effort. Pathetic.

There was part of me, of course, that was curious. Part of me that wondered what he could POSSIBLY come up with to say, what lies he would try and spin. And there was an arrogant part of me that wanted to respond. The arrogant part that thought I couldn't get roped back in.

And then I came to my senses. I heard Hunter in my head: CONTACT ALWAYS EQUALS PAIN. So I let go of the arrogance, the thought that I could "handle" him, that I could listen to anything he had to say & not be affected by it. I refused to engage.

Not worth my time, frankly. Pathetic. Not worth my energy. And laughable. Ridiculous. I'm too busy being awesome to entertain this.

Delete. Delete. Delete. DELETE!

I don't feel much about it, honestly. There is a tiny part of me that is RIP ROARING ANGRY still. I know him oh-so-well. I can promise you that it is KILLING him that I haven't replied. He is wondering if I didn't get it, if I didn't check my email, if I'm too upset to reply. It would never occur to him that I just don't wish to feed his need. And I hope it is killing him. I hope it's making him absolutely bat-shit crazy. It's almost like I am angry on behalf of that small, scared, hurt flower of a girl that I was when I first found this site. I'm all "protective mother lion" for her. But, she's moved on. She's gone. She's morphed into this confident, incredible person who would never in a million years put up with what he put her through 3 years ago. I don't give that bastard a second thought anymore.

It was refreshing, the not caring. I never believed you guys when you said it would come. But it's here and it is so so so good.

So thank you, each of you, that held my hand and cried with me and promised promised PROMISED that it would be ok someday. I'll admit that I didn't believe you. Thanks for believing in me when I couldn't.

Sara