Just so sad

I thought I did ok, last week. But this week I've been so angry and now today I've been so sad. I feel like evil took a walk in my life these last two years. I just can hardly can get myself to move these last two days, I want to cry but the tears won't come. I been writing out my story to post, but it just hurts to remember it all at once. Everything was a lie, just a complete lie. I can hardly remember any good times, I always felt he had control till the end. After I started to date him, he wanted me around all the time, I was with him everyday till the night when he would go back to her. (I didn't know) When he moved out, is when I began to stay with him. I never felt like myself, I couldn't even cook right for him, I'm not a great cook but a decent one. He always would make fun of the way I spoke, I was born and raised in Ohio. (I'm am latina). Sometimes when he was watching TV, he wanted my attention on that, I couldn't read or be on the computer. I am not a huge tv watcher. Everynight, he would try on clothes to see what he was going to wear and if it made him look slim. It was always about him. I knew it then and thought I could deal with it. All the attention on him, made me not focus on my life and it is in a mess. Those are some of the small ways of control. THe ow (the same one from before) said he pays all the bills, buys her diamonds, takes care of her daughter and pays her car payment. She has a good job, so she would be fine if he didn't. He never did much for me. I think from what I learned she is secondary supply, always there to take him back. Maybe writing out my story is making me feel this all over again. I like so many of you, have grown up with a very abusive father, I sure some of my issues stem from that. I just want to be free from all this. in every area of my life. I am 53 and I am tried of falling, with no one to catch me. I have always had to be strong or least appear strong. I am just tried. One good thing, I started crying writing this, I haven't been able to cry.

apple's picture

Keep crying... soooo good for you!!! I just read your post and I want you to know that it gets so much better and easier... the pain goes away once you have had a period of time with nc. And once you are hit with the truths of the situation and realize that these men are nothing more than con artists... life gets better, it really does. The pain goes away. If you can just start seeing him for what he truly is... you will want to puke bc of all the betrayals (at least for me) but I think its finally the truth that sets us free. Keep your chin up... You are stronger than you know
dulcinea441's picture

My first line of advice is find a therapist right away and begin working through this pain with a professional. These forums are great and a life-saver for sure, but they are not quite enough to get your through the worst of it,not initially. You need to get to the bottom of why you allowed yourself to be abused -- and this is not a criticism, I am not labeling you "weak," but you have already alluded to past abuse which very well may have set you up for a lifetime of letting certain people in to walk all over you. A narcissist will take complete advantage of your empathy as well as your patience as you suffer in silence. You need to find the source of this pattern of self-sacrifice and systematically begin pulling it out by the roots. I say all this knowing that you have the strength to do it; you have survived a narc, after all -- you have made your way here, and you are full of more strength than you realize. Now it's time to empower yourself and say "No more." You will come through it, stronger than ever. But first have faith, love yourself enough to invest in YOU, and get some help to deal with this trauma. You are not alone, and it is not your fault, but from now on the focus is on how to protect yourself so that you never get abused like this again. Get your armor on and find that inner Warrior Goddess that's been wanting to fight for you her whole life and is ready to break forth -- she is in there. Hugs, D.