Just saw a picture of him-HELP

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#1 Aug 7 - 2PM

gratefuljen

Just saw a picture of him-HELP

6 MONTHS SINCE THE D & d. No contact accept one phone call and some nasty texts that I send months ago.

I threw every thing away, wedding pictures, any thing and everything that reminded me of him.

I am doing the work. Internal, hard, wounds from the past, self esteem, work.

When I saw the picture at the bottom of the drawer, I froze. It was so tall and handsome. Sexy, cowboy handsome. And it hurt. I loved him to the depth of my soul.

But I have to remember, he has no soul. No conscience, no morals. But it hurt to see him. It hurts. I just needed to tell people that would understand. When does the pain go away? When does the love go away. I still love him. He used and abused me. Took everything. He took my soul.

How can I still have any positive feelings. They are not as strong, they are not as deep, but they are still there. It's not cd. I know what he is. I will not contact him for any reason. I will mail the divorce papers. How can I love someone that does not exit. Never did. It was all an act. The real person, is just envy and rage.

Help.

Jen

#2 Aug 8 - 6PM

Arwen

Grateful, I peeked at my ex

Grateful, I peeked at my ex N's FB photo today and for the first time I saw the dead eyes! Look again at your photo - I think you will see it too. It's chilling.

#3 Aug 8 - 6PM

Susan32

Before he packed on the pounds

I have a picture of the ex-Psych prof in the college newsletter, it's also the only picture of ME that got into the college newsletter over 4 years. I rarely look at it... it's buried somewhere. He's smiling (something he rarely did) He looks at ease, *NATURAL.* It's also 15 years old. The only more recent pic of him is at my college's website, and it's anonymous. He's fat, he's got a maniacal cross-eyed grin. The latter was definitely taken later... tho I don't know when. It's not a pic one would WANT to look at. It's more of a "Dude, where's my mask of sanity?" look.

#4 Aug 8 - 3AM

gratefuljen

Thanks guys, your the best

I especially like the comment about romatisizing the relationship, I do that, I remember the good, not the black, ugly, horrible, evil truth. Thanks guys Love to all

#5 Aug 7 - 7PM

rosedewittbukater

The love will not go away

It was yours! The pain will get less and less until you will wake up one day and realize life is so much better without this disordered person. It is perfectly O.K. to love the narcissist, even after it is over. If your love was real then honor that and embrace it. This means you are able to love in a deep and honest way. Sometimes the narcissistic relationship shows us how deeply we can and do love. You are describing loving someone from the depths of your soul - so no, this pain, it will not go away overnight. In can take months or even years. That doesn't mean you will be in this kind of pain for months or years. It will go when you release it. For some it takes longer than others and there is no magic number. http://www.narcissismfree.com/art_did-the-narcissist-ever-really-love-me.php Peace to you, Rose

#6 Aug 7 - 3PM

Hunter

Jen

You loved what you believed was real, it's not your fault. Take that photo an really look at it! My guess is his eyes are dead Blake holes. It will get better, look how far you come! Hunter

#7 Aug 7 - 3PM

jen79

gratefuljen

I know exactly what you are talking about. Listen I struggled so long about it. Dont even try to not feel it, its not working like this. Just let it be. Just say to your emotional part, cause thats all it is, your emotional part, and you can not argue with reason about it, say to it, you can feel whatver you want, but I make the decisions, and I say its over, and I say you move forward now, no matter what. And do it. Dont try to not love him anymore, try to love YOURSELF MORE than him. I swear , it sound so simple, this is the key to recover from it. Just love yourself more. Do good things for you, you need new memories in your brain, new good one, then this will override the feelings you still have for him. Just concentrate and focus on feeling good, every day, do good things for you, whatever works for you. For me for example, its yoga now, and simple things, like eating regulary, cleaning, doing the laundry, and taking a bath, to dress myself nice and put nice make up on, to listen to good music, meditation. You need to do that for you, every day you do that, then with time the memory of him might still be there, but it wont have that much power over you anymore. I promise you, this works perfectly, cause me too struggled so much with the fantasy of him, that never existed. Big hugs.

#8 Aug 8 - 5PM (Reply to #9)

Arwen

Jen you hit the nail on the

Jen you hit the nail on the head..."love yourself more" and don't try to not love him. It does work perfectly. After awhile of being really, really good to yourself and being super conscious of your self, inside and out, and your life's direction, that starts to take over and the memories and love are still there but you have perspective that didn't exist before. Thank you for writing this. G-d I needed to hear this tonight!!! Big hugs and thanks. Arwen.

#9 Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

strivingforhealing (not verified)

Jen- your wisdom here blows me away

this: Dont try to not love him anymore, try to love YOURSELF MORE than him. I swear , it sound so simple, this is the key to recover from it. Just love yourself more. so so simple yet deeply powerful. I came on the forum tonight because for the first time in weeks, I peeked at some old website pictures of him...and I got sad, sad, sad...and then I noticed the sadness made me get amnesia and then it made me romanticize the relationship. I won't do this again....I cannot romanticize the neglect, abuse, and underhandedness. I must stick with the reality of the pain. AND you are so right on- healing comes from giving ourselves the love and nurturance. I too do Yoga and meditate. I also cry alot.. and in the tears, I hold myself and the little girl that lost so much. This is true journey back to the Self that was lost in his poison...I am glad I found the medicine to begin to counter it....Self Love all the way.

#10 Aug 7 - 7PM (Reply to #7)

rosedewittbukater

Love yourself more

What a great and simple concept. I am going to try it!!!!Reminds me of the saying "fake it til you make it!" Thanks for posting this. xx, Rose

#11 Aug 7 - 3PM

Sparrow

It is a very hard process.

It is a very hard process. Some days are better then others. Just when you feel like you have made progress, you have a setback. It is all very normal, it really is. The pain goes away eventually, but it does not go away over night. I remember that pain all too well. It's a pain that I honestly NEVER want to forget if you can believe that. I have a strong desire to remember so I can always feel better about myself, to know that I am healed from that terrible experience. Some people want to forget completely.........not me, it's what keeps me grounded. I saw a picture of my N with the OW for the first time a few weeks ago. Let me tell you, it was like being kicked in the gut. I could have let it set me back, but I gathered all the strength I had and got through it. I reminded myself of what he has done to me and how irrelevant the two of them are in my life. They don't matter, they play no role in my life whatsoever..........oops, except for the hefty alimony check they have to send me on a weekly basis. LOL. Just kidding, well actually, no Im not! You will see yourself through this and come out on the other end a more wonderful person then you can ever imagine! It just takes time................ Do things for you, things that bring happiness to your life, things that take your mind off of him and the imaginary world that you lived in while you were with him. He is not your "loss", you have been blessed to be rid of him, seriously. Now you can move on, and return to the beautiful person that you were! Hang in there, stay focused, stay strong.............Rome wasn't built in a day as they say. You are doing great! Smile! It feels really good when you do! :)

#12 Aug 7 - 3PM

StudentOfLife

It's such a hard truth to

It's such a hard truth to face, it really is the most difficult thing i think i've ever gone through, coming to terms with all this.... the fact that they cannot return the love we have for them. IT ISN'T FAIR. I am still grieving for the loss of my "Imaginary Man" as well. It's one of the hardes things i've ever gone through, so I know how you are probably feeling. I like to believe that eventually we will get through this painful process, and someday ....someday i just know we will be that much more stronger and wiser for this experience. "People are like stained - glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." ~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

#13 Aug 7 - 3PM

58 and going strong

Great move to come here and

Great move to come here and 'vent'! Stay strong! The pain will subside. It is your memory of an illusion that plays tricks on you. I feel Sundays are sometimes bad when I am alone and start to feel lonely.

#14 Aug 7 - 3PM (Reply to #2)

ruby01 (not verified)

When I'm

being completely honest with myself, I know that I am still not convinced the man I know is an empty shell. What keeps me safe for now is I can not risk getting my heart ripped out ever again. Which means I HAVE to stop giving him the opportunity. It does hurt and it is extremely difficult for me too. It's just way to big of a risk.

#15 Aug 8 - 6AM (Reply to #3)

empath

He's not an empty shell...

He has feelings...and they're all about HIM! HIM HIM HIM! He has no feelings for YOU, and at least half of a "relationship" should be all about YOU YOU YOU! He has feelings, for himself, and ZERO ability to comprehend, care, empathize for the feelings of ANOTHER PERSON, ANY OTHER PERSON, not just YOU, so no matter how clearly you may have spelled it out or explained yourself (and who should have to go through all of that bother anyway, for something that should come more naturally to a person you are intimately involved with)...no matter how cleanly and clearly you articulate your feelings and your needs, all he hears is a foreign language that he cannot comprehend, that will not make sense to him no matter how cleanly and clearly or how slowly it is expressed. Give up on what is causing you this cognitive dissonance. Find and accept one outcome that makes sense to you, and stick with it. Please don't struggle with CD, which is caused by you thinking like like a NORMAL, non-disordered person. It is SO difficult to grasp that they lack these basic components of conscience and empathy, yet they do. It is this that contributes to the CD you are feeling now. Even if it doesn't make sense to you that a person could lack these attributes, please suspend your disbelief for now and accept it so you will be able to move forward in your healing. What you felt and are feeling is REAL. He does NOT feel feelings for you or anyone else besides HIM. Just because you feel so strongly for others, does not mean everyone has those qualities. Ns do not feel for or even recognize or understand the feelings of of anyone else. It hurts to know this yet I think it is the key to our own healing to really get this. It's not about us, it's all about them. (((hugs)))

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