just a little support, please? first slip in 6 months...

i called him. i don't know why. he asked me why. i said i didn't know why. i think i still wanted closure. i still thought it was possible. had me crying by mid conversation, and in complete hysterics after i hung up the phone. he talked on the one hand what a tragedy his life is... his mother is depressed and drinks and has almost killed herself from drinking. he says this stresses him and people tell him "how well he's handling it"... but that in some way he can't wait until she actually dies so he doesn't have to deal with it anymore. on the other hand, he speaks of his bright future, his gf who doesn't have anxiety problems and a solid career path, attending one of the best art schools in the nation, how he's probably going to go to law school with her... how their summer fling after we broke it off turned into serious (but now long distance, again)... he says he got so much better when he was away from *my* abuse. i abused him. i abused him. by being afraid. by having a hard time adjusting to a new city. by wishing that the person who said they loved me would be there for me... when he told me he couldn't. he said, "i'm glad you are in therapy and on meds." well, so am i. but what he doesn't realized is that, before i met him, i was on a good path for myself. i could have pulled through without all the meds and therapy i have had to undertake. he acts like a saint. he acts like a martyr. he makes me feel so small still. WHAT IF HE'S RIGHT. WHAT IF I'M JUST ROTTEN. I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE'S A NARC ANYMORE. ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THE LOWEST PERSON EVER... but the last thing he said? ....... "don't forget, I'm always gonna be in your corner."

WTF.