sure I accept. For once I finally feel like I have a grip on what has a grip on me. For the last week most of my anxiety has been gone could be just a coincendence time will tell.
I think codependence should be discussed more on this board. People can decide for themselves but I would say if you get that little feeling in your gut when you start going down the list....
The ironic thing about co-dependent for me is my N thinks he is the co-dependent. He was seeing a therapist when I met him, I didn't ask why, he was learning how to be in a functional relationship I believe because he was in a dysfunctional one with his 2nd wife, who he claims was all messed up, with bi-polar, drank and spend money like crazy, "she made him react". Anyway he catered to me and when we had a fight one summer and I broke it off with him we got back together and I found the book on his night stand "Co-dependent no more." But one of the aspects about being a co-dependent is "control." He was very controlling, even said his x-wife had to be controlled. So his therapist must have thought he was co-dependent, little does she know. I think as women what we do is subjugate, we just put everyone else first, I did set boundries but I also gave in too much especially over time as well, I won't be doing that again.
yep mine said he was addicted to me. In reality we are not all that different or atleast Im not. I suffer the same abandonment issues. The same Im not good enough issues only it manifest in a different way for me than him. Unfortunately it manifest in a much more toxic malignant way but our issues are still the same.
I think when two core damaged people come together they can see right into eachother. I think that is what the "soul mate" feeling that we all feel with them is.
Mine said he was addicted to me as well and that I was to him. I believe I was the co-dependent. He had a sadistic obsession with me. I had an obsession to change him "because I see so much good in him!"
HA! Jokes on me.
It comes down to this. Was I addicted to him? Yep. Did I feel compulsive about - yep. Did I continually subject myself to abuse - yep. Who would do that? and addicted dependent person. Is he addicted to NS - Yep
hence the term "Co-dependent" Im dependent he's dependent thats what I call Co-dependent.
You can analyze it to death but if you peel back the layers it really is quite simple.
All I know is I spent months and months floundering but it wasnt till I started studying codepencdency and toxic shame that it all clicked and I began to see improvements immediately.
Why are we as a society becoming terrified to call shit what it is. Im not saying that everyone is codependent. In fact Michelle I dont think you are codependent but there are clearly some people on here who are codependent. It seems that there is all this shame about this word. Call it whatever you want fixing addiction, narc addiction whatever but the facts are when you are unable to leave a harmful situation thats addiction. When you are not able to take care of yourself and protect yourself that is a dysfunctional relationship between you and yourself. Put any spin on it you want but that just a fact.
Fluffing people up and telling them what they want to hear because you dont want offend someone with a word wont help anyone. You put it out there and if they dont like it fine. Its their choice to own or not own it.
Nuff said.
"It comes down to this. Was I addicted to him? Yep. Did I feel compulsive about - yep. Did I continually subject myself to abuse - yep. Who would do that? and addicted dependent person. Is he addicted to NS - Yep"
And I am addicted to the "supply" he gives me. I know only those on this board would understand, but after talking to him 'til 3:30 in the morning Friday night and hearing all the things I have wanted to hear....he sucked me back in. And what does he do -- goes NC on me since his call/text Saturday morning. WTF! He knew he "had me again" and the chase was over.
I'm not texting/calling...remaining strong. But it SUCKS!!!!
And when he told you all those things you wanted to hear, I bet deep down you knew they were lies but you failed to honor those feelings. You lied to yourself over and over and over.
Codependency is about a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. I would say lying to yourself over and over just so you feel those euphoric feelings is pretty damned dysfunctional wouldn't you?
maybe it's a "label" placed on us so Narc's are not considered the damaged one. Projection, anyone?
From what I gather from reading many posts from ya'll is that you were strong, independent gals that met the N at a weak point in our life. And because we are good-hearted creatures, we bought their 'song & dance' and believed in Dr. Jekell. Our only fault is we thought his fake persona was the truth.
I met mine when I was 30 and thinking about marriage & family. He proposed (otherwise I wouldn't co-sign a mortgage with him.) We had one child. He stopped having sex to avoid another kid. He rarely came home, preferred to party instead. He divorced me when the 2nd lloan on the house was maxed & he was 6 figures in debt.
I think you are right on point with the projection...co-dependency is very much considered a "woman's 'DISEASE'" and we need to be aware of the agenda setters, the snake oil salesmen and the abusers.
It is never acceptable to re-victimize the victim as if somehow they perpetuated the abuse.
There is a spin doctor in every industry...even in the recovery movement...despite the fact that the desired result is health and healing, not everyone plays by the ethical rules.
I do know that they are not true, but there was some sort of "magic" (not the right word...but ....) going on during that conversation.
He made me feel so wanted, so appreciated, SO EVERYTHING that I am longing to hear. I felt alive again. I can't even talk about this outside of this board, 'cuz no one understands. And on this board, I KNOW - NC, NC, NC!
I have not felt his good in many years as I did that night. Is it worth it? No. Do I have a lot to lose? Yes, I do. But, I am human. Is this my mid-life crisis? I really don't know. But, I can tell you this - this man knows me better in 2 years than my husband who I have been with since 1979!!!
He needs me and I NEED him and it is SICK.
Its not magic. Go to gettinbetter.com and read everything on borderline pd. It will explain that there is absolutely no magic.
There is something about midlife that brings this out
SOI I answered yes to your questions above. Bless my ADD mind...lol, because my mind wanders when reading the posts that you and Michelle (have obviously researched pretty extensively) write. Good stuff BTW.
I hate to admit that when I was in contact with the Narc my dark side emerged and I felt a high like none before. This high replaced many of my insecurities and things began changing within me. I lost weight, I focused on my physical appearance, I began being rude and using my potty mouth more. My choice in clothing began to change.
I found myself "playing" with the Narc and often times felt bonded with him and felt like we were both misunderstood. I felt like I was the only person that understood him. I am also ashamed to admit that when I first came across this site and educated myself about his disorder, I felt like I was "one-up" on him, but still felt like his soul mate.
(There was a lot of mirroring and projection going on, that I discovered after going NC.)
To this day I sometimes feel a desire to have those same high feelings, much like being high on a drug. I miss the energy level. I don't feel as attractive, but I feel cleaner on the inside.
I fear that if I ever am in a position to experience those euphoric feelings again I could easily fall back into the same dreaded state of mind.
And yes, having someone help me mask my insecurities is probably my vice....I still feel a little dark and you know what? I think everyone is a little dark inside, but it's our higher power that helps us overcome that darkness.
I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller
Thank You. I mean it is what it is. It all seems quite simple in actuality.
The problem is we are all becoming label a phobic. Sometimes a freaking label is approriate that is how we know what we have in our pantry. If you dont label shit it remains a mystery. Right?
Should we not label the Narc a Narc? Why is it OK to label them?
I dont care everyone get mad at me but Im tired of not calling shit what it is! I guess you can say Ill pass on the mystery meat. I prefer to know what it is!
My autistic son wasn't labeled as autistic until he went into Kindergarten and he needed the services, and we didn't want him to fall in the cracks (a dx is needed). yep, I HATE that he is autistic, but he is what he is. I am co-dependant. It's easier on these boards to come to terms with it because nobody knows you and the label is not really a label until somebody else, that is not is cyberspace, knows it.
When you know what something is then you can take action to correct or treat it right? I floundered for months and months not truly understanding why I was behaving in such dysfunctional manner.
The term brings me no shame only answers and relief to know that I can recover from this and to know why it happened
Yep, SOI, you are right. My son didn't fill all the "checkmarks" of autism, but I knew he was somewhere on the "spectrum". With that realization I could "wrap my arms around it" and get him the help he needed.
I am sorta "wrapping my arms" around this co-dependency thing, because YES, I think I am. Gonna talk to my therapist about it and try to get a clearer picture of it.
As I said before, you are a wealth of information on this board, and I thank you. Some will take the info as it applies to them, some will leave it if they feel it does not. I'm taking it, as I feel it applies to me. Thanks!
Good for you. Only you know that feeling inside when you read about codependency and it gives you that little feeling in your gut where you are going yes OMG yes this is me.
That is your reality.
Ok, this is a similar issue that came up the other night on the board. I'll say it again, although I know you all know it. We are each entitled to our own opinion. Let's not lose ourselves in semantics here! Please, let's take a step back and ask ourselves what we are arguing about? A word. A label. A definition. Come on. Not productive and certainly not a good use of anyone's time.
Let's agree to disagree on what we want to label ourselves. Codependent, Empath, Addicted, whatever, but one thing I know we can all agree on is that we have lost ourselves in the Narcissist. We no longer have a genuine relationship with our inner self. This is what the Narcissist set out to do from the very beginning. It was his goal....to make us dependent on him.
The biggest part of our recovery is to find ourselves again!!!!
Once we learn to see the Narcissist for the person he really is, we are finally able to free ourselves. We realize we do not need this person in our lives to feel whole and complete. We were whole and complete before this person entered our lives and we will be whole and complete once we end our relationship with this person. It is the Narcissist who is preventing us from being truly happy. It is so important you understand this.
NOTHING stands between you and your true self,but the Narcissist in your life!
I was going to wait to post The Six Steps to this site until the e-book is released in two weeks, but in light of this recent discussion, I'm going to post them today in hopes that it will help steer everyone in the right direction.
I think we can ALL agree that we need to focus on finding ourseleves again. That is the purpose of The Six Steps and The Path Forward and I encourage everyone to commit to finding your true self again. You owe it to yourself. You deserve it. Let's start helping each other nurture that relationship with our inner self.
We tell ourselves we want unconditional love from another person, yet we can’t even give it to ourselves! It's time to spend time nurturing our relationship with our self! Let's get on the Path Forward to finding ourselves!
The Six Steps will be posted as soon as my webdesigner in NY gets to it. I have an urgent voice mail and e-mail into her requesting that she make the new page live asap!
must be something with us codependents! My daughter has been wait for it..... tested and "LABELED" gifted as well.
I was an above average student (as most codependents are over achievers). I graduated in the top 20 percent of my HS school class but not with honors. Graduated college with a 3.3 (nothing spectacular). My husband the same. So we are both doing the Scooby Doo HuH? Wth did that come from?
She is 7 and reads 200 words per minute and Im like Holy Shit I think thats faster than me!
Hahaha! Yep! My son just turned 14 but was tested as "gifted" in the first grade. He's been in the L.E.A.P program since.
I graduated with a BS in Accounting. I am a stay at home mom though....long story, but here I am. I'm fortunate that I can afford to do so.
You are a good Mom. Its a tough diagnosis to own for your child but you have realized that to get him the best treatment and for him to reach his full potential that you need to. Its not pleasant but you are doing what you need to do. I believe this is what we call getting real.
I mean we can all sit here and have a Kumbaya moment and never say anything but nice supportive things that everyone wants to hear but how is that helping them?
sure I accept. For once I
Sickofit...
Ironic
yep mine said he was addicted
Mine too, sick of it
Nope Jokes on him! You can
well for me...
SOI : I would answer YES, YES, YES as well!
And when he told you all
codependency...
M
Yes, SOI, I know it is dysfunctional . . .
no sweets!
Not sure what I am but...
I do not want the peace which passeth understanding, I want the understanding which bringeth peace.
--Helen Keller
Hey girly, you have been
SOI
Thank You. I mean it is what
My autistic son wasn't
Veronrose
Yep, SOI, you are right. My
Good for you. Only you know
We are entitled to our own opinion
Yes girl, my one son's
HA!
SOI
Sickofit
Ah such a but kisser LOL :)
A left over trait
Veronrose
SOI