Just had a weird revelation

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#1 May 25 - 3PM
finallydone
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Just had a weird revelation

Maybe this isn't weird to everybody else but I was just walking through my kitchen and said outloud to myself, "You know what... the reason it's so hard for you (yep talking to myself) to wrap your mind around the fact that he really does have this disorder, is because it would be like actually running into Frankenstein or Dracula and going OMG you really do exist!" It's like reading about it and dealing with the reality of it are two completely separate issues. Like reading a horror story or even a newspaper about a horrific crime, but not being able to comprehend that it could actually happen to you.

Why is it so hard for this to sink in completely... I mean all the way down to the cellular level? YOu know it's true ... then you think, hmmmmmmm maybe not, and round and round we go.

So far, my Memorial Day has gone like this.... called me Mom this morning to tell her that I just wasn't coping well. Everything seemed too overwhelming. I still don't have the refinancing done and doubt he'll show up like he said he would, even if I can get a date scheduled through the mortgage broker. I've been horribly sick all weekend and just starting to feel better, but now I have cramps - Arghhhh! And told her that I'm walking around the house noticing everything that has to be done and my mind is a whirl so I can't seem to do any of it.... same thing happens at work - I'm just keeping my head above water but nobody has caught on yet.... any day I'm afraid they will. Crying and crying to her about my jaw hurting, my neck hurting, my nightmares. She's the best mother a person could ever have. Always there for me... always. She only lives 4 miles away, but she struggles with her own health issues, breast cancer survivor, rhematoid arthritis, etc. She's an amazing trooper!

THen I start getting emails from him. Being nice last night and then this morning he is rude and nasty... all because I told him I would answer a few of his questions if he could simply take 20 minutes to read my answers and look at the whole thing from my point of view. (Yes, I know Barbara.... stupid stupid stupid). His response was to tell me "I've been looking at the whole thing from your point of view for 8 years, I'm way beyond 20 minutes. You don't need to respond." And POOF he's offline. Which is par for the course. But my mouth fell open anyway... like it always does. I don't even know why it amazes me that he acts like this. I could almost set the clock by him... or write a script word for word on most days.

Soooo then I decided it would be good for my mind if I made a list of all these things to do that were causing me to feel like I was going crazy so I could prioritize. Then I actually got up and did the most immediate and simple things. WHich helped a little bit. I'm now going to iron a few clothes (which I hate ironing period end of story) but then I'm going to sit with my son and watch a cute movie about kids opening a kennal for stray animals. And we'll eat something simple but healthy and I will keep trying not to cry or rub my jaw from clenching my teeth.

So yes... it's like I have actually run into Dracula and keep wanting to say, "Oh cmon. Vampires and monsters don't exist. THere's nothing in the closet or under the bed. Stop kidding around." But he's not kidding is he?

I won't be able to go NC until I get this house refinanced... because he has every right to walk in here whenever he wants and if I piss him off too much he's going to pull all his control issues and not be available for the closing. Because after all... he's in Cincy at mama's right now cleaning up her yard (instead of his own) and putting together a concert in September staring him.... and well he has to travel for gigs. But if I ever get this accomplished... I'm going to have to bite the bullet and stop talking to him. I'll just have to sooth my own broken heart like all you other lovely strong women are doing. Because he's going to keep stomping all over me.

I swear to God that I have never done anything to this man except try to support him, help him with his career endeavors, listen to his troubles, even stood up for him on many an occasion. BUt he absolutely seems to hate me most of the time.

May 26 - 2PM
Carolyn
Carolyn's picture

He has tremendous power over

He has tremendous power over you. this is such a strong re-action to him and how he acts with you. You have such fear and frustration that you have TMJ in your jaw, you are aching all over, you are trying to sort out who he is, why this happened, and why he blames you. You are physically and emotionally allergic to this man and when you have contact with him you have a strong and dangerous re-action. this man is crazy, your help was not appreciated because he has no capacity for positive emotions like loyalty or greatfulness. He is only into harming you which is a nasty pay back for all you have done for him. I was eating with a man who never had an allergy in his life and he ordered ceviche. I noticed red circles on his face, hands, and then he had trouble breathing. the waitress called for an ER ambulance and they administerd a shot for severe shellfish allergy. they saved this man's life. He would never eat ceviche again. you need to learn this lesson. No Contact will stop these terrible reactions you get from him. you have a son to protect and need to take care of yourself physically.
May 26 - 4AM
jenn99 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

..

everyone in a rel with a narcissist is going to go thru the same spiel...the exact same spiel almost...with an N it's never going to change...the N doesnt hate you...they hate life, and people and emotions and everything, youre just the object they're taking it out on ....the n doesn't love anyone except themselves...they care only about their needs.... youre just an object or punching bag, for the n as is anyone in any form of anything with the N...the only kindness the N does is out of their own warped belief of moral obligation, fear, or to get something out of a person...the only remorse they show is to make sure that they can keep using a person, not losing control, or keep their targets in their clutches and subdued or submissive...the only erason anyone is bound to an N is b/c of the extreme and excessive brainwash done to a person mental abuse and physical or sexual abuse all combined... they're all monsters and their only goal is to mess with a person really screw them up, or have maintain or gain control over them....if anyone thinks past that it's because they can't comprehend how a human can be such a cold heartless monster, but that's just the N's biggest weapon against targets who can feel, while the N can't...disbelief, shock and lack of belief or understanding....N's just use people's feelings against them...they twist and warp your own moral beliefs and really screw with them...in order to project their own inner hell onto that person...and to really destroy their own guarded sense of reality and warp it into all sorts of sick things...destabilize it...beware of them because their victims can't really see them for who they are...they can't see the wolf in sheep's clothing...b/c the victims are generally optimistic positive people or normal people...unlike the bitter warped narcissist...they can't see the monsters they are and that's the N's biggest weapon against their victims...
May 25 - 9PM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

liar

He's never looked at anything from ANY point of view but his OWN. Liar, liar pants on fire. LOL ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 25 - 8PM
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Same boat.

Only to me my N seems more like a wherwolf. He becomes a vicius,cruel and inhuman beast. And it is like he doesn't evan recognize me when he is like that. He doesn't look at me like I am someone he has known and loved for all these years. I am his victom. But when He changes into human form he acts as if he doesn't evan remember anything he did to me. He acts completly "normal". And he doesn't understand what my problem is. I go back and forth too. This can't be my reality. This can't be real. I know I have said this before but this message board is my only link to reality. No one knows what he really is except the woman on this site. He IS a monster.Leah
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #6)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

leah

Leah, I have been reading your posts and you do indeed seem to have a very dangerous guy on your hands. My name is sandy and I would be happy to talk to you as often as you want to talk. Frankly, it does me good to talk also. I can tell that all the people on here understand because they're all going through this madness...all to varying degrees, but madness nonetheless. And we are probably similar in qualities simply by having qualities that attracted these guys (or girls with all due respect to any men on this site experiencing a woman with this bent). I started off the day a nervous wreck and am now sitting in bed mad as hell and ready to tell him where to get off. But tomorrow? Just don't know. It probably depends on what message I wake up to and I know I have to be careful or else he's goona screw with my refi, but he could do that no matter what I do. At any rate we would all like to see you get someplace safe.as soon as possible. Just keep talking to us okay?
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #7)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

thank you so much. I know I must seem very needy and crazy. But I feel like I need to talk about this constantly. It feels like everythings that happened is just flashing back to me in my mind. Like at the end of a mystery. You go back and say oh now I get it. But it isn't a movie it is my real life. And my heart just hasn't caught up to this new found knowledge about him. I guess it just didn't get the memo about not loving him anymore.I've been thanking God everyday for this site. I know I would still be in that house with him waiting to get out. wondering what is happining to me.Thanks Leah
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

If it makes you feel any

If it makes you feel any better at all, I feel pretty needy and crazy too. I know I've become obsessed looking up things on npd on this blackberry. And I'm not kidding. You are not alone. Isn't it amazing that you are out in CA and I am in IN and we can still help eachother out. Hang in there kiddo.
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finally done

Just stay far FAR FAR away from anything by Vaknin or his proxy - Femfree. FARRR away! Another good site: http://www.saferelationshipsmagazine.com Or my blog... below: ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #9)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Hanging in there

Apparently jerks don't seem to limit themselves to any certain area. Though I would venture to say that CA probably holds the largest number of narcissists.I mean we do have Hollywood. lol
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #11)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

actually

Using actors as examples is "too easy." ;) (I used to be a working actor and believe me I am not a Narc, btw) But I think NYC with Wall Street and Madison Avenue would come in first. Power, control, greed, image... we got it all. PUKE! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Free articles & information for abuse victims: http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com Effective Coaching for Victims of Pathologicals http://one2one4victims.webs.com/
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #12)
Suzie (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

yeah, true

Just here they do it with a tan lol
May 25 - 9PM (Reply to #10)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

Yeah and what really made me

Yeah and what really made me giggle out loud at your post was I met mine in hollywood. Seriously. I lived in north hollywood for about seven years after college and that's where I met him. We were just friends as I was faithfully married at the time. But after I came back to midwest and he had done the same to cincy which is two hours from me. We got together after my divorce and the rest is history. He is an actor, singer, musician,and really quite talented. But thinks that he is the most talented person on the planet. He's even said that outloud. Its amazing. Anyway your response made me giggle and I do thank you for that. :). I'm going to bed cause its getting late here. But we'll catch up later. Stay strong!
May 25 - 4PM
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

finallydone

I hear ya sister. Unfortunately, the Boogie man is alive and real. I just accepted the fact that he's different. Some things can be explained and comprehended, some not. As I've said before, it's like getting hit by an alien driving a big bus...'what was it that just ran me over, and who the hell was that driving?' I did nothing but support, coddle, pamper, and love my exN to pieces. They just don't care. Sometimes it reminds me of that movie 50 First Dates. They have the ability to ignore, or seem to selectively 'forget' everything you do for them by you making just ONE off-remark. They will hyper-focus on that as if they despise you. See, how can you begin to make sense of that? A normal person considers ALL things about you, not forgets everything because in this moment in time, YOU are the enemy! I am so glad to hear your mom is there for you! This will have a big impact on helping with your healing. There is only one person in my family who knows...and venting to her occasionally is theraputic.
May 25 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
finallydone
finallydone's picture

his response

Thanks for responding. Its absolutely nuts isn't it? Do you know that a few hours later he wrote back informing me that he had not "hung-up" and doesn't know why I always jump to the worst possible conclusion. Wanted to know if it ever occured to me that he was getting ready to move on to something else when I had "chimed in". I had no choice but to laugh at the blatent lying b.s, of this. I think he really believes his own stuff. Or else he really believes I'm just that stupid. Its like living in the "funhouse" with no way out. Thanks again for writing back. Sometimes I wish we all lived close by and could actually have support meetings or something. I wonder how one organizes that kind of thing in their hometown. I guess its not widely recognized enough yet huh?
May 25 - 11PM (Reply to #3)
grossot
grossot's picture

lisa rocks

I am grateful for this site and grateful that all of u use it as an outlet as well. Leah we r all rooting for you. I believe that not only will u and your kids b safe but u will grow from this. You will get out sister! I don't care how much you think you have to be a good person(and I know u do; I can detect it in your comments) u do whatever you have to to stay in control. Even Jesus Himself got angry and overturned tables in the temple when th people were using it as a marketplace. The bible says be angry but do not sin. Get mad girls! Get these narcs! God will punish evil in His timing but it doesn't mean we have to lay on our face and let it happen. I don't know where I find the st StRength to say these things when I myself feel weak and confused. We'll get through this together. Everyone please keep writing. We all need each other. Lisa I think you have saved a lot of ppl by having this website- thank u! Barbara _ why no Vaknin? I thought he was the king of the narcs! nolongercontrolled
May 25 - 11PM (Reply to #4)
quietude (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

grossot

Yes! It's so great to have this place to come to for peace and support. RE: Sam V....I wondered this too, and started reading up on the guy. I found this (link below) a while back. The author of the first post offers some good insight. I agree that he should be ignored, he's a self-professed narc that has no remorse. That in itself is reason to stay away. I also have to agree with the author that he kind of gave me the creeps too...I kept thinking, 'this guy sure is angry!' http://www.cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=8381.0