Just had an 'aha' moment re: ex-N's 'fatherly/wise man' approach
Just had an 'aha' moment re: ex-N's 'fatherly/wise man' approach
I was just reading Lisa's blog post about Narcs' crazy-making behavior.
Then I read the following quote from Sam Vaknin:
"Very often, the narcissist acts sadistically in the guise of an enlightened interest in the welfare of his victim. He plays the psychiatrist to her psychopathology (totally dreamt up by him). He acts the guru to her need of guidance, the avuncular or father figure, the teacher, the only true friend, the old and the experienced. All this in order to weaken her defenses and to lay siege to her disintegrating nerves. So subtle and poisonous is the narcissistic variant of sadism that it might well be regarded as the most dangerous of all.”
Oh my God.
My ex-N always moved into the "sage" role. Or would give me advice. Or give me a 12 step pep-talk.
I remember like it was yesterday... we were (of course) on the phone, and I was freaking out because I couldn't find an important document that I needed to bring to a court hearing the next morning. I freaked out for a while, at least 20 or 30 minutes; I was searching for the paper and imagining what would happen if I couldn't find it. All of a sudden, he said in a therapist-like tone, 'You're spinning. You need to stop spinning.' He didn't say anything reassuring, except recommending that I call upon St. Anthony to help me find the misplaced document. And I did, because I'm spiritual like that, and I'll call upon any deity that will listen to me. I remember feeling like he kind of talk down to me, but then somehow I turned it around in my head to think that I was the unstable one, and that I shouldn't have let something like a misplaced document unravel me. I beat up on myself about it, and I think I sent him an 'apology e-mail' the next morning, because I felt bad for being so neurotic. It's amazing how just his tone, and the covert abuse, literally had me twisting my own thoughts and feelings around.
When I visited him, there was one morning when he let me drive his car. I felt like I was getting driving lessons from my father. I was driving perfectly fine, but he kept telling me to hug the left side of the lane, because beyond the right shoulder there were ditches. He claimed that if I made the wrong move, we would end up rolling down one of those ditches into someone's house. He spoke in a stern, fatherly voice that made me feel like I was being chastised or scolded. I started driving when I was 14; I certainly didn't need his guidance.
Sometimes his sagely tone irritated me, but I don't remember ever saying anything to him about it. I was too deep in a narc fog to put two and two together and actually speak out against it. I was too busy feeling increasingly inadequate to notice.
He was definitely fatherly and guru-like.
Wow. Thinking about it creeps me out.
In the beginning of the relationship, on several different phone calls, I remember hearing him speak to his daughter in the background...and I had a strong reaction to the authoritarian tone he took with her. I heard a voice in my head say, 'One day, he's going to talk to me like that.' That little voice was right, and I wish I had heeded it.
Remembering all of this really helps me see (yet again...I need a lot of repeated, drilled into my skull, reinforcement) how disordered he was. And this is just ONE aspect of his f*kd up-ness.
*sigh*
And I think a few of my other ex-bf's/ex-N's had that same trait.
Really creepy. Just got the chills.
-Leah
what is up
Bumped Up When they Play Sensitive and Insightful
Leah
Get this...
If it's easy, it is meant to be
sickof it
Lecturing during the final D&D...
Xnh did these types of
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God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
oh good lord yes
Speaking of Daddy issues...
hi susan
LMAO!!!! I just sat here
"I am speaking to you like an old mother"
Another AHA!
I am sorry "YOU"
I'm sorry for the hurt and disappointment
In the end I used to think
So many things I wasn't allowed to talk about...
Xnh used to try this on me,
______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.
Susan32, apologizing
In the end...