JP38417's story

Welcome... get into therapy with a TRAUMA COUNSELOR IMMEDIATELY!!! - call a DV Center if you need to get an advocate ASAP to get this man completely out of your life - NOW. They can help you formulate a safety/ exit plan - take some free consults with TOUGH TOUGH attorneys. TOUGH ONES only!! Find out your options. Hire the biggest bulldog you can! You WILL need it! - PLEASE go through ALL the pages on 'Message Board' as I have loaded it with articles and your questions have probably already been asked and answered many many times. Click through the pages and read what interests you. You'll get up to speed and learn a LOT before you ask questions. - PLEASE read the stories of others on SHARE YOUR STORY. This alone is one of the most validating things you can do! Far too many become completely wrapped up in their own drama... which just makes it all worse. It will also help you see the pattern of their INCURABLE PATHOLOGY!!! (BTW - I was an infertility patient for 12 years, at least as many miscarriages and the things my exNH did to me during that time was similar to and as heartless as yours!!) - PLEASE read through our whole blog: http://www.lisaescott.com/blog - chock full of articles about Ns and healing PLEASE, in the future, read all the Rules prior to posting, as well. - listen to our free radio shows - archived at: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/allabouthim Remember this board is NEVER to be used as a replacement for therapy. Please find a therapist and start going as SOON as possible for whatever level of PTSD he's obviously left you with!! Get to a PTSD/ trauma counselor ASAP!!!!! During the divorce you will need support & help from a professional. Please get it ASAP. As the child of a Narcissist I can only say GET YOUR CHILDREN AS FAR AWAY FROM THIS TOXIC NON-HUMAN FREAK as quickly as possible! YOU did nothing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING wrong. ~~~~~~~~~ The truth will set you free... but first it will piss you off - Gloria Steinem Visit My Abuse Website

Here is that Escape Plan Info I referenced in my comment (below this comment): Guidelines for Detachment Separating from "The Loser" often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection. The Detachment During this part of separating from "The Loser", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Loser" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources. In many cases, "The Loser" has isolated their partner from others, has control of finances, or has control of major exit needs such as an automobile. During the detachment phase you should... - Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how "The Loser" works. - Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Loser" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target. - Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc. - If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order. - If "The Loser" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Loser". - Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore". - Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Loser" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Loser" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Loser" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching. - Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Loser" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down. - As "The Loser" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship. Ending the Relationship Remembering that "The Loser" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment. - Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Loser" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster. - If "The Loser" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again. - Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Loser" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you. - "The Loser" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship. - Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Loser" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you. - Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Loser" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over. - Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Loser" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort. - Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Loser" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure. - Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Loser" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another. Follow-up Protection "The Loser" never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, "The Loser" has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don't see themselves at fault or as an individual with a problem, "The Loser" tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase - their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. "The Loser" rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are: - Never change your original position. It's over permanently! Don't talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm "The Loser" but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship. - Don't agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For "The Loser", discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again. - Don't offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy. - If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls, as though taping them, you'll find "The Loser" spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty. - In any contact with the ex "Loser", provide only a status report, much like you'd provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: "I'm still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That's about it." - When "The Loser" tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While "The Loser" wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers - "Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I'm sure we'll eventually find someone that's right for both of us." Remember - nothing personal! - Keep all contact short and sweet - the shorter the better. As far as "The Loser" is concerned, you're always on your way somewhere, there's something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish "The Loser" well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery store. For phone conversations, electronic companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds - a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone - the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short - and not personal. Summary In all of our relationships throughout life, we will meet a variety of individuals with many different personalities. Some are a joy to have in our life and some provide us with life-long love and security. Others we meet pose some risk to us and our future due to their personality and attitudes. Both in medicine and mental health - the key to health is the early identification and treatment of problems - before they reach the point that they are beyond treatment. In years of psychotherapy and counseling practice, treating the victims of "The Loser", patterns of attitude and behavior emerge in "The Loser" that can now be listed and identified in the hopes of providing early identification and warning. When those signs and indicators surface and the pattern is identified, we must move quickly to get away from the situation. Continuing a relationship with "The Loser" will result in a relationship that involves intimidation, fear, angry outbursts, paranoid control, and a total loss of your self-esteem and self-confidence. If you have been involved in a long-term relationship with "The Loser", after you successfully escape you may notice that you have sustained some psychological damage that will require professional repair. In many cases, the stress has been so severe that you may have a stress-produced depression. You may have severe damage to your self-confidence/self-esteem or to your feelings about the opposite sex or relationships. Psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, and counselors are available in your community to assist and guide you as you recover from your damaging relationship with "The Loser". Joseph M Carver, Ph.D., Psychologist Credit: This handout was written by Joseph M. Carver, Ph.D., a Clinical Psychologist. It is provided as a public service and can be reproduced as needed. Dr. Carver is in private practice in Southern Ohio. This was the first article I read concerning those that suffer from a personality disorder. Dr. Carver saved my sanity and allow me to search further into this understanding and acceptances of those who are emotional dead and really are losers and abusers. So thank you Dr. Carver for I will always be indebted to you! Hope to see more of your writings to help the victim to heal and began a new life but this time without their parasitic loser sucking the life out of them.

Hello "Save The Kids"! I think you have come to a very helpful and knowledgeable place. The fact that you found your way here means you are unhappy in your relationship and suspect something is very wrong deep within the mind of your husband. Your last comment was: "Would love to talk to someone about what I am going thru and help me find confirmation that exiting this relationship is the right thing to do." You will definitely get alot of feedback and input to your questions on the message board here! Lots of different perspectives and similar situations. It's amazing, really. There are alot of very insightful folks around here who have been through so much, and are so down to earth and willing to share what they have learning through the trials and tribulations they have endured in their lives. I try to spend at least an hour a day reading information on this site. Taking it all in at once can be overwhelming, you can only absorb so much at once, right? After that it all becomes a blur. So a little everyday seems to help it stick better in my brain. Here is another site I found, James posts on here very regularly, and he has this very useful info from Dr. Joseph Carver, Psychologist, regarding "Getting Out" of a relationship, safely ....... The escape information is half way down the article (but do read ALL the article) - just past # 20. The escape plan info begins with "Guidelines for Detachment"........ http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/08/thank-you-dr-joseph-m-carver-ph-d.html Have you read up on divorce laws in your state? Community property state? Restraining orders? Supervised child visitation possibilities? Alimony along with child support? (In Texas, you must have been married 10 years, and then you can only get alimony for 3 years, if you are in training to learn an employment skill to support yourself - going by memory here, you should research the laws in your state). Also - this past summer, I tried to help a homeless female friend get accepted into a homeless shelter. I was utterly shocked and amazed to discover almost every single shelter was completely full, due to the economy I suppose. Get a plan together as to where you would live, and/or if he would be the one to leave the house and find another residence. Barbara will have the most useful advice for your situation, I have just mentioned a few tidbits, food for thought. Good luck and chin up! Life is a journey, may yours always be blessed with knowledge and peace.