Jen's Story

I had a fairly short relationship with my N compared to what I have read on this site. We met years ago, he was a neighbour, he got involved with my roommate. He had a crush on me, but I refused to get involved with him and after that we lost touch. About 18months ago he found me on a social networking site. We started a long distance relationship. I could tell from his profile page that he was quite the flirt and chamer, but when he put all of his energy into charming me I found it irresistable and he totally convinced me he was ready for a relationship, and that I was the person he wanted that with. In early fall of last year he found a job where he could work for two weeks straight at a worksite far away and then fly home for two weeks off. He has a daughter who lives in the same town as me. We moved in together right away. I think I was vulnerable because I really wanted a relationship and also a family and I was worried that time was running out on me. After he moved in I started snooping almost right away, I just wanted to reassure myself that he was the real deal because I felt I was on a time clock and didn't want to waste time on the wrong guy. What I found was amazing, he still has kind of emotional relationships with scores of ex-girlfriends and it seemed to be inappropriate for someone in a relationship and I called him on it. He promised to change, get counseling, everything under the sun and he delivered nothing. He kept doing it. And I almost became compulsive about checking his email phone etc in order to protect myself. I could not get out, the pull was still so strong, I was certain that he loved me so much, that he would sort out his issues and we could be happy together. As time went on I felt brain washed, he kept saying there nothing to any of the emails texts and even pictures women had send to his email, and that there was nothing going on, despite direct evidence to the contrary. And he will still using his charm on me to keep me in place. He was lying, blame shifting and all the while carrying on these emotional affairs. I was a witness to how he turned on the charm with other women, and it tore me apart. I just couldn't understand how he said he felt bad about it, but he couldn't stop it. I started to realize that he didn't mean any of it. The straw that broke the camels back was when I knew his ex-girlfriend was in town and he was due to fly home from work in a couple of days. He said that he needed a rest and was going to a hotel for a couple of days so he could rest and we wouldn't be fighting. I kicked him out then because I just knew he was planning on spending that time with his ex. In the meantime towards the end of our relationship he had started telling me that I was an unhappy person, that I had no social life, and I was too caught up in him. I tried to explain to him that what he was doing was tearing me apart, and because I was so sad about it I found it difficult to go to work, let alone carry on a normal social life. He still blamed me and used it as the excuse to treat me that way and discard me. He has come back around many times since we split and I have even slept with him a few times because he still had the ability to pull me back in. He is involved with several other women now, and has scores of naked pictures of them because I saw it in his phone one day he dropped by. Thankfully although I was foolish enough to do that early on in the relationship, when we started having problems I had access to his computer and deleted any pictures of myself and from his phone. He is involved with a married woman now (among many others), and I can't help feeling sorry for her. We lived together for about 8 months. I tried to go no contact a few weeks ago and it drove him crazy, and he showed up at my house and seduced me and drew me back in. Finally a few days ago I went no contact again, deleted my social networking page, blocked text messages on my cell phone and I feel prepared for anything including the fact that he may try to seek revenge. He hasn't started calling me yet which I think is a good sign, he maybe too preoccupied with this new woman to care too much if I am not in the picture. But I suspect that I have not heard the last of him by far, he has a lot of ex-girlfriends in his life in case he needs them in the future and he expects me to be the same. I believe our relationship crumbled so fast because I constantly busted him and call him on his behaviour, he just couldn't maintain the facade with me. After we broke up I found out a couple of very diturnbing things about him and his daughter. He seemed like a doting father, and showed her a lot of love and support. He brorrowed my car once to take a road trip with his daughter to visit his mother in another town. He took a bag ful of drgs (coccaine and ecstasy) with him and his daughter in my car. Also after we broke up I found out he bought coke one day while he had his daughter with him. I feel very badly that our relationship ended, and I also ended the relationship with his daughter, he tried to encourage me to stay in his life. I got to know her mom pretty well while I was with him, and she is very sensible, and has a really good support system, I knew the daughter would be ok without my involvement. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but I knew if I stayed in her life he would use her as a pawn against me and I needed to protect myself from that so I have not maintained a relationship with the daughter, although I do feel bad about it. I have a background in counseling and mental health. I thought he had some kind of sexual addiction or compulsive diorder, but couldn't put my finger on what. This has damaged me so much, I feel like I am a mental health professional I should have known better. Also I feel like I made myself a target somehow. I think I am having some PTSD from this relationship, some of the things that happened between us were so traumatic. Thank you all for this website and your stories, it really helps me feel better and give me perspective.