jenjen816's story

Still caught up... (Please forgive me, I know it's long)

Hello all! First off, I would like to express how grateful I am to have found this forum. I am here because I am currently dealing with a sociopath/narcissist. I am 30 years old, and I met my N 4 and a half years ago, when I was 25. At the time we met, I was in a deep depression from grieving for my deceased first-born son. He was born and passed on the same day (July 4th, 2006). He was too premature to survive (22 and a half weeks gestation). Not only did my ex-boyfriend give me his back after we lost our son, he expected me to "just get over it" because it happened and that's that. His parents were equally cold. Not surprisingly, in December of 2006 (5 months after our baby passed) he left me. He was physically abusive and that was what lead to me going in to early labor. Fast-forward 5 months, in late May of 2007, I meet my N. I went for dinner on a Wednesday evening with a female co-worker who invited me out after months of seeing me mope around at work. We go to the restaurant and sit to look at the menu, and out comes the cook from the kitchen (my N) to our table to ask if we knew what we wanted (note: he is NOT a waiter and was not supposed to come out to take our order). Very charming and charismatic, he waltzed back in to the kitchen. My co-worker said "he was checking you out," I said "he was checking YOU out." Then, I said, "he is Dominican, he was probably checking BOTH of us out." We laughed and then I got up to go to the restroom, he was exiting the restroom and he grabbed my hand. We talked for a couple of minutes and he offered to give me his number, I accepted. (I was almost immediately physically attracted to him) He is ten years older than I am, 6'2, body of a baseball player, big eyes with long eyelashes, dresses very nicely, takes very good care of himself, etc. (After all of these years, I finally became aware that all of his excessive personal grooming is just to mask his UGLY interior and attract more victims) We left after eating and 2 days passed. The co-worker invited me out again, (Friday night) this time to drink and dance. At 3am, I dropped her off at her home (which is a few blocks from the restaurant), she was drunk and sleeping, but I wanted to continue the festivities. SO, I remembered I had taken that guy's number (my N) and that the restaurant was open until 4am on the weekends! YAY! I called him and sure enough he told me to come on by and wait for him to get out of work. I drove the few blocks to the restaurant and waited for him. We left at 4am and to make things even more convenient, he lived AROUND THE CORNER from the restaurant. (His best friend, who was his roommate, was also at the restaurant with us. He and I talked for the hour I waited for my N. And OF COURSE, he only had nice things to say about my N.) When we arrive at his house, we engage in three hours of wonderful conversation (he knew exactly what to say to me to get me to trust him) Afterwards, he asked for PERMISSION to kiss me. I obliged and one thing led to another and we did the deed; but before we did, in true N fashion, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to do it. We did, and for the next 3 days I was at his house back for more. On the third day, he gave me the keys to his house and said "this is your house, you can come and go as you like." I should have seen this as a big red flag, but instead, I was flattered. I was feeling lonely and he was there offering his time and his home to me. A couple of weeks later, I wound up losing my job (due to a jealous new girlfriend of my ex who wanted me as far away from him as possible-- we all worked in JFK Airport in different companies) I had my own apartment and lost it because I had no income, and out of necessity, I moved in with my N. He happily welcomed me in to his home and there began the brainwashing. He treated me like a princess, better than any other man I had been with before. Even though I was attracted to him and he made me feel good, I was still thinking about my ex and I made him very aware of that. (Big mistake, to tell him that HE was not the center of my universe) He would tell me to forget about the ex and let myself be loved-- by him. (Honestly, I only thought of him as a means to forget my ex) A month later, the three of us (us and his best friend) had to move because the beautiful house they lived in was to be sold and the new owners did not want any tenants. My N and his best friend also happened to be illegal aliens, so all paperwork had to be in my name. In Mid-August 2007, we move to where I currently reside. The months passed and he finally facilitated my forgetting about the ex. The first couple of weeks I asked him about his past and he was very vague and evasive. He lied about having children (all of his 8 other children were/are in his country). He finally admitted to having 2 children (only because I pressured him in to telling me who the 2 small children were on his cell phone's screen saver; he stated they were his niece and nephew, but COME ON, who has pics of their niece and nephew? No man, let alone a 35-year-old man.. the 2 kids turned out to be his 2 youngest [of 4 kids] from the woman he left behind in his country) A couple of weeks later, after more pressure from me, he admitted to having 3 more kids with 2 other women (I found out that the oldest boy of the 4 kids with the last woman and one of his other boys are FIVE MONTHS APART, meaning he impregnated one while the other was already 5 months pregnant!) I later find out that he kept both women and lived with the first one on the weekends and with the new one (the one with 4 kids now) on the weekdays!! And they had to accept it, or else he would abandon the one who contested the arrangement!! I also questioned him about his relationship with his last woman, but he insisted he was no longer with her and I was the one he wanted to be with, and since she was in another country and he had no papers to travel, I discarded the idea of him being with her. The thing is that he didn't leave her to leave her, he wanted to make a better life for them by coming to the U.S.. I should have BOLTED out of the door the minute I found out about the 7** kids he had, but I was smitten already.. **(there are 8 kids now because 2 and a half years ago, he found out he had another son who turned out to be his eldest, the mother never told him she was pregnant, the son is now 20 years old)

More of how the relationship was in the beginning: He took me out dancing frequently, (he didn't even LOOK at other women in my presence!) introduced me to all of his family and friends, bought me small gifts, paid for me to get my hair and nails done (note: I am not a materialistic person and he knew that, so all the small gifts were special to me).. He crept his way in to my heart and I was "in love" with him after a little over 6 months of being with him. After 7 months of being together and virtually NO DISAGREEMENTS (arguments), in January of 2008, I become pregnant with his child. That is when the physical, verbal and psychological abuse started. The gifts and outings ceased, leaving me feeling inadequate and wondering why I was no longer good enough for him to take me out or do nice things with me. Throughout the pregnancy, he was very distant and refused to go to any of the appointments with me, even when I had contractions and went to the ER weeks before my due date! At 3 months pregnant, I find out he is pursuing a waitress (remember, he's a cook) at his job. I have evidence, but he (and she also denies it when I confront her) blatantly denies having anything with her, even though it was obvious. At 5 months pregnant, he finally agreed to go to 1 sonogram appointment (the one where the sex was to be determined) with me. He seemed happy when the tech said it was a boy and at that moment he asked me to marry him! I was shocked and happy, but little did I know that it was all part of his scheme to try to get his greencard.. A week later, I find 2 text messages to his woman in his country, they say that he needs her more than ever and that this all just so he can be with her! I confront him and ask him if she even knew that I was pregnant and that we were together SUPPOSEDLY because we loved each other and our marriage was NOT about his greencard, he said YES(I found out after our son was born that she DID NOT KNOW). I said to him that he needed to tell her and he said he would call her that night. He gets home and I ask him to call her in front of me and he refuses! He leaves the house at 11pm and comes back after midnight and he said that SHE wants us to break up! I said "how do you figure that you are going to abandon me at this stage of the game, we live together for a year and I am now 5 months pregnant with our child!?! Why don't we just hold off on getting married?" He then gave me an ultimatum: either we marry or he leaves me. Simple as that, he KNEW I would chose to marry him because I was "in love" with him. We get married, the day was wonderful, serenade in front of our guests and all, and when all the gusts left, a private serenade followed by a beautiful love-making session.. I was in heaven. He is skilled at making women fall and stay in love with him. The abuse continued and he was cruel, constantly projected the blame on me for things that HE DID! He literally used ALL of the tactics the N's use, as if they all read from the same sick instruction manual!
The first infidelity was only the first of MANY I found out about, and probably more that he was successful at hiding.. It massacred my self-esteem and I was/am miserable. I gave birth to our healthy baby boy on October 20, 2008. He was always acting as if our son was more of a trophy than anything else.. He did not help me with his care and NEVER changed his diapers. I was/am a married single mother!
For the baby's first birthday (October 20, 2009, party was on 10/24/2009) we planned a party and the night before, he was supposed to get the beverages from his old job at a discount price. He went with his "friend"** and did not return for hours. **(his "friend" whom I found out earlier THIS YEAR is the FIRST COUSIN of his woman in his country!! This man and his wife were at my wedding and baby shower and said NOTHING to me, meaning that they laughed at me behind my back knowing that he was only with me for the intentions of getting his papers! I feel like such a fool! I confided in those people! UGH!!) I called him and he yelled at me. I said to myself, there must be some woman there that caught his attention and he is trying to talk to her. (I did find out that I was right: through phone call lists, that it was an 18 year old waitress that caught his eye. I called her and asked her, he had even given her an assumed name! He talked to her while cooking the food for our son's party! And at 1am the following night!) When he finally came home that night, I asked him and he blew up at me and slapped me across the face leaving 3 highly visible welts. I had to endure the countless questions from friends and family and I had to lie to everyone to cover for him. During that time, I was not working and he had stopped paying the rent! And I was the one whom they were after (everything was in my name, because he was illegally here). On Thanksgiving of 2009, he worked and did not spend it with us. The day after, he did not tell me he was off that day and he left the house and did not tell me where he was going. I called him hours later and I told him that I was sick and tired of his crap and that I was packing his things. He thought I was bluffing, so when he came home that night and found the suitcase, he was stunned. (Note: for months before that day, he would constantly tell me not to be surprised if when I came home one day that his things would be gone. He had me in a constant state of worry and fear, knowing that I hated being alone) He did not answer my calls for days and I did not know where he was staying. I threw him out to wake him up and make him realize what he was doing, but I did not know I was dealing with a sociopath/narcissist, so it had the opposite effect. He had me asking him to come back and he found ways to make it my fault that the marriage was in shambles (to this day he still does it). It has been exactly 2 years and I still do not know where he lives. Even though we do not live together, I continue to allow him to sleep with me. Last year, I even became pregnant again, this time with identical twin girls! When I told him I was pregnant, he insinuated that I was sleeping with someone else (not true). Then, when I found out at 6 weeks that they were twins, he appeared "happy" and seemingly accepted the pregnancy. He even started taking me and our son for outings. He was coming around more often and even made me feel that he was going to move back in. I was so happy! Then, on July 19, 2010, (at nearly 4 months gestation, I thought I was in the clear after 3 months)I went for a routine sonogram and they could not find either heartbeat! It's absurd, because 3 days earlier on the Friday before, I had another sonogram and they were both moving and had strong heartbeats. He was at work and I called him. He did not leave work to come to the hospital. I was devastated and in a state of shock, they even wanted me to stay because they thought I would try to kill myself. (I have not tried to, and I hope to never do that, even though I have been through so many traumatic things in my life- including being sexually abused by my stepfather from the time I was 9 years old until I got fed up at 13 and made him stop)... That night he came over and held me the whole night (the babies were still inside and I had to have a D&E procedure done to take them out, which was done LATE 10 days later). He left the next day and I went to another hospital (I was in denial and hoping that they had made a mistake and another sonogram somewhere else would show that they were still alive, but no such luck) That night I called him to ask if he was coming to stay with me, but he didn't answer the whole night (something he has done the whole time, on days when he was "busy"). The next day (Wed.) I went to yet another hospital (he was off that day) and I was unable to reach him until 1pm. He said "don't think that because that happened to you that I have to be in your house all the time. Do you think I want to spend my day off wasting it in some hospital?" I was utterly disgusted and hurt. Needless to say, he didn't even ask which hospital I was in and hung up on me. For the weeks to come, I was alone, he gave me the silent treatment and could care less how horrible I was feeling. The miscarriage was probably caused by all of the stress of the fights with him and the sleepless nights I spent calling him to no avail. He would disappear for days, and give NO EXPLANATIONS. He feels that he is single because we do not live together. After the miscarriage, he distanced himself and showed no signs of wanting to move back in. And I, desperate to have him back, did anything and everything to try to please him and entice him to come back. Through my investigations, I have found that he has had many more women in these 2 years of living on his own, but the funny thing is, he continues to deny being with anyone else but me, yet contradicts himself, boasting that he is free to be with anyone he wants. He also tells anyone and everyone that I am crazy and psycho. I call him and when he does not pick up, I continue to call. He makes me doubt my own sanity. I am in no way perfect. He has done everything in his power to keep me wanting him more and more. I KNOW that he is bad for me, but I feel that my only desire is to have him here with me! What the heck?? Every time he gets close to me and shows signs of coming back, he looks for the most ridiculous thing to fight about and says "see, that's why I don't want to move back with you, you're crazy" and he distances himself from me. He plays on my reactions and uses them against me, when he is CLEARLY in the wrong. He also says that all the other women are just "in my head" and that I'm just insecure. He throws himself at other women and tells them that he is no longer with me. And, if I ever call him and he is with one of them, he makes it a point to scream at me and tell me not to call him or bother him, that's how he validates what he says in front of them. I know this because he did it to one of his "obsessive" ex-girlfriends in front of ME in the beginning of OUR relationship. I have also discovered his obsession with porn and self-pleasure. That put another doubt in my mind and caused more self-esteem issues (why am I not enough for him??).

He has spent the last 2 weeks sleeping in my house every night and true to pattern, he has picked a fight and decided not to come over or answer his phone last night.. For the last few months, he has spent a ridiculous amount of time at the bar/lounge that is owned by his boss (it's connected to the restaurant). He is also obsessed with the boss' niece (same age as me, no kids, no man, nicer body than I have, materialistic, bitchy, has a good job, a nice car, her own place 2 blocks from where he lives, by the way [I tracked doen where he lives, but he doesn't know I know]). I went to talk to her a few weeks ago and she claimed that he has been "harassing" her for the last year since he met her. ANY person that is being "harassed" for one year clearly likes it, because UNWANTED attention is usually put to a STOP pretty quickly. The fact is that they are seeing each other, but she denies it. I asked her why she was calling him on a Thursday night at 1am (he was arriving at my doorstep) the week before and she said that she only calls him to tell him to stop bothering her. (LIE, because she left him a voicemail that night with a romantic song and she said "this is so you know that I love you papi") She then left the SAME LOVE SONG on his voicemail 3 more times, twice that Friday night (10:33pm and 10:47pm) and once that Sunday night at 10:22pm. I was unable to say anything about the 4 voicemails because I'm sure she would have told him to change his voicemail password. So, she is now caught in his web of lies and she is clearly in love with him.. He has Facebook and he has sent her numerous private messages for many months, even though they were NOT FB friends. Well, this b***h decides to add him as a friend 5 days after our talk. And if you want to believe this crap, he put the SAME LOVE SONG on HIS FB wall less than an hour after adding her and commented "dedicated especially for her" and SHE then comments on the song "I know who it's for ;-) [winking smiley]!!!

I just can't take this! It makes me sick to my stomach to see him giving another woman so much attention. I know I need him out of my life, but another thing is that my son loves him (he has no idea what a monster his father is, he's only just turned 3). He also does not help me with money for our son at all. How do I handle this? How do I get away from him? I know that the only way I can get over him is to completely cut him off, but he has threatened me, saying that he will "find me" if I try to disappear. Also, I (like a complete idiot) am still helping him with his papers. I am so conflicted with myself, I am to the point of obsession, I feel like I don't want him to stay away from me or be with anyone else. He has also told me that "I will never find anyone better than him" and that no one will put up with my "craziness". And yes, when I call him on his wrongdoing and lies, he tries to flip it on me and say it's either me or I'm crazy or I'm making things up. (Now I know, that is just another tactic to keep me under his control, but I am STILL under his "spell") Please help!! I feel pathetic! I am a "smart" woman who feels completely stupid when it comes to him..

P.S.: It's ALL about HIM, he says "first ME and then ME." He has also stated that he will always put HIMSELF before his kids and has demonstrated it through the years I have been with him (in the beginning he made me think he was a responsible father). He buys himself new clothes, shoes, electronics and other things all the time, but he claims he does not have money to help me with our son.

I believe that it all stems from his bad childhood. He refuses to talk about his past or his childhood. His mother abandoned him and his 4 younger siblings when he was about 13, so he has major mommy issues. They were left to grow up basically on the street (living with their father, who was too busy with his women to raise them). He is a true misogynist and always says to me "you women are all the same" and "men are 100 times above women" and that "women are here to serve us men" among other woman-hating comments. He has been in contact with his mother for the last decade or so and he even disrespects her, so imagine how he talks any other woman, he has no respect for anyone. He is cruel and heartless and readily ignores me if I try to express my hurt and anger. And he doesn't even flinch if I cry, it's almost as if it gives him pleasure.. There is sooo much more to write, so many stories of how he has humiliated and degraded me, publicly and privately..

Any guidance or suggestions are warmly welcomed. Thank you for taking the time to read my testimony.. Jennifer from NYC