Jean's Story

First of all, my encounter was not exactly romantic, as it happened at work. Second, I am not sure if this guy is a narcissist but he sure is a creepy, freaky fellow. What I really want to understand is just what this guy's deal is, because the whole experience truly made me doubt myself.

I work for a bureaucratic agency, about 100 employees. I am a mid-level professional, above me are psychologists and medical doctors, below me are a clerical staff. We all work together in one giant room examining disability claims. One of the psychologists, who also has a law degree and another higher degree (he lists all three of them after his name, hmmmm....), approached me about five months ago as I was sitting at my desk talking on the phone and put his hands on my neck and back and started giving me a little back rub. Naturally, I was a little surprised. (I did know him somewhat, we'd had a few conversations). But I played along, saying, "that's not fair" as I looked up at him. Ah, how true and portentious those words would come to be! The next day, as I walked by him he said, "Hi" in the most welcoming, enthusiastic tones I can imagine. I remember wondering if maybe I'd slept with him and forgotten about it. A little voice in my head said, "that's odd" but I smiled at him. So began a rather heavy flirtation. It went on for many months - I becoming more and more attracted to him. I am also married - although throughout much of this drama I told my husband what was going on because even though I was intensely sexually attracted to this guy, I was also monumentally confused as to WHY.

Which is astounding, since he is literally five foot nothing, chubby, balding, and utterly lacks fashion sense (he sometimes wears overalls!).

Nonetheless, after several months of flirting I was really turned on, and also wanted my intense attraction to him to go away. I asked if I could speak to him after bowling (I had become a sub on the bowling team) and he said, "why after" and I said, "well, how 'bout before?" So we went to eat and here is the dialogue that occurred (almost verbatim):

Me: So, I've been noticing a lot of flirtation between us these last few months and I am feeling attracted to you, and I'd sure like to make those feelings go away - maybe you could help me about by telling me if you could possibly be. . . .gay?
Him: I'm sorry to disappoint you
Me: Hmmmm, so, uh, does that mean? . . .are you gay or not?
Him: I'm not gay

Utter silence.

Me: Well, this is awkward
Him: No, it's not

OK, so maybe I didn't take the best approach but keep in mind he had just returned from Vegas after seeing Cher and also visiting the LIberace Museum and he is sort of sexually ambiguous. Also, I though if he was gay (being politically liberal and seeming to really really like himself, he wouldn't have any problem saying so). He appeared to be quite angry from this point on.

We went to bowl. Feeling like I had not really gotten any information, I again asked him. . .

Me: So, A., what is your objection to getting together, just out of curiosity.
Him: You're a married lady!
Me: Oh, so you're ethical?
Him: Yes! And you're not Jewish

(Please note: he has just stated that he is ethical. He had not up to this point been acting particularly ethical - neither had I, but I made no such claims).

Next day at work I avoided him entirely, wanting him to understand I got the message. As the week continues, we re-establish a cordial relationship. I have to bowl again the next Thursday, where we talk for two hours due mainly to the fact that there is a fair amount of down time in bowling. Here is a snippet of our dialogue.

Me: That bowling alley down on Miracle Mile is pretty good, I hear
Him: Yeah, that's one of the best in town
Me: They sure have cleaned up that area, gotten rid of most of the hookers
Him: Yeah, I should just go down there and find a prostitute. . .who's Jewish. . .
Me: (leaving to bowl) . . .and female

The next day, Friday, I try to stay away from him but unfortunately am there late and it's really slow and on my way out the door I go by his cubicle and say, "hey, why didn't you come say Hi today?" (my turn to be potentially creepy, I guess??) I immediately regretted saying this, even though I didn't mean it in a manipulative or threatening way.

Tuesday comes - it was a long weekend - and I find myself called into a meeting with this guy and his supervisor.

Supervisor: Well, Dr. __________ has something he wants to say.
Him: I feel uncomfortable with some of the things you've been saying
Me: stunned silence due to intense humiliation
Supervisor: Dr. __________ is very sensitive about this
Him (wringing his hands): I only want a professional relationship, that's all.
Me: still silence, mouth agape
Supervisor (to me): Is there anything you wanted to say?
Me: Well, Dr. _____________, it would have been helpful to me if you could have said this to me in this way prior to today's meeting.
Him: (sound desperate) But I tried, I tried. . . .

I want to emphasize here that he had many, many opportunities to tell me of his discomfort directly to me - in fact, I would have welcomed it. Yet he remained oddly passive (this is not a person with a passive persona, in fact he is very extraverted and agressive).

OK - now I don't feel great about my last comment, however this dude's behavior has just been plain weird. First he comes on to me, then he acts like he hasn't (I am not crazy - he was clearly quite aggressive, especially at the beginning), then when I am honest and straightforward he becomes extremely angry, but more or less controls his anger (he almost acted as if he'd been betrayed) and then turns me into his supervisor twice: first right after the dinner and then again after my comment on Friday -- all the while acting as though everything is hunky-dory. He's the male doctor who is single, I am the married female - if the situation were reversed, that is, if he'd asked me to dinner, I might go to my supervisor - after all, he has more power. . .well, I guess I might. I know myself and I would be much more likely to say something directly to him.

I just cannot understand (a) his reaction when I told him I was attracted to him and (b) going straight to his supervisor. Keep in mind I had been flirting with him, talking to him daily for months - and he appeared as a friend, as someone who liked me. He also made the prostitute comment after he had told his supervisor he "was uncomfortable with things I'd been saying."

I know this guy is paranoid, and that explains some of his behavior, but I sense something darker. Other people I work with have referred to him as an "asshole" - the ones who don't find him endearing and charming. He has told me stories in which he has threatened people and made things up.

A couple of days ago - it's been over 3 weeks since all this came down - I was walking by cubicle of one of my colleagues, a cute youngish woman, and there he was sitting on her desk and showering her with attention. She was laughing and looked transfixed - the same look I know I'd had on my face months ago. He saw me walk by, stood up and moved over about a foot. He looked nervous, like he was caught in the act. Another experience I had was recently I was waiting for the bathroom - which is in the lobby of our building and there's never anyone around - and he came out and I went over and he bowed at me, fixed me in intense stare, and smiled in a creepy way.

Signs of narcissism: lists all his degrees; has 3 pictures of himself in his cubicle (and none of anyone else); never been married and is 54 years old; has told me negative things about almost everyone we work with, but acts extremely charming to their faces; kisses management's ass like he can't get enough; talks unceasingly about himself and seemed annoyed at times when I would tell a story about myself; is vindictive as hell, even over minor things; is prone to irritation and (at least in my case) rage; is very, very charming although physically unattractive and is seductive as hell; very, very close to his mother (of course he is Jewish so maybe that's why). Oh, and he was also kind of dismissively rude to the waitstaff when we ate out. He's also condescending and I always had this vague feeling of being inadequate when I was around him. The guy is very, very bright and extremely perceptive (I have noticed he is always scanning his environment).

In addition, I've done a little research located a couple of pictures of him - one on facebook and another from some workshop, in addition to the ones at work. Of the seven pictures I've seen of him, three are caricatures (his face on a muscular body, himself looking contemplative, himself with his head on the body of someone playing banjo), one is of him performing - also almost caricature-like, and two are pictures of him smiling into the camera. In the last two, there really isn't anything in his eyes - he has a big, toothy grin but there is a lack of 'realness' or sincerity about his expression.

I also rode in his car once - a short ride - and got a very creepy feeling. I was expecting, since I felt attracted to him, to feel good. But I had a weird feeling of emotional paralysis.

Help! This is making me crazy and I have to continue working with this guy. Is he paranoid, or is he narcissistic, or gay, or ???

The good news: the fog has lifted and I am no longer at all attracted to him. My husband is a truly wonderful man who remains supportive, and who also got me a voodoo doll for my birthday. The bad news: I feel terrible about myself for getting sucked in, betraying my husband (or being willing to) and being humiliated at work & I feel like my mind has been messed with.

Thanks.