The jealousy is taking over my life!

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#1 Jan 8 - 11AM
JordansMom
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The jealousy is taking over my life!

It’s been over two years since we have split up and he has been married for over a year with a baby due next month. He will not look me in the eyes or even speak in my direction. It’s very humiliating and insulting when we have to have a parent/teacher conference with our son. I have spoken with his wife and told her how violent he is and how much he cheats but she tells me, “that was your relationship, not ours.” This is so soul piercing and hurtful especially since he shows no indication of doing the same things to her. They are always traveling with our son which hurts bc I can barely afford my mortgage.

He cheated with over 40 women in our 8 year relationship and I ended up in the hospital three times. I thought their patterns continue, however, this girl has a ton of money so that may be why he is towing the line, I don’t know.

My counselor keeps telling me to stop focusing on them and move on but for some reason I’m stuck and I can’t get out of it. I had a miscarriage right before he left and I’m still grieving about this, especially now that she is due in a few weeks. He keeps throwing it in my face that he is having a new baby and it is killing me. (The new wife sent my son to basketball practice last night in one of HER t'shirts. I could have spit nails about that.)

Is anyone else in this situation? How are you coping and not letting the jealously take over?

Jan 10 - 10PM
justicejones
justicejones's picture

Oh my, oh my, oh my! Yes,

Oh my, oh my, oh my! Yes, yes, yes, I had been throught the very same thing. I won't go into details...on the new site, my story is up there. I have felt the same thing!!! WOW, I have! And I had a miscarriage too. I got the impression that he treated her better because I can remember her saying that "he changed for me. you pushed him into this or that.I have what it takes to keep my man satisfied..." But mark my words, HE WILL DO IT TO HER TOO! She may just not want you to know it cause she has too much pride. Or maybe he hides it well and she refuses to see it. A leopard doesn't change its spots...imagine how hard it is for us normal people to change. Say...to eat better or exercise daily. It's hard and we fail regularly. For a man that has a personality disorder, it would be that much harder for him to change. He would have to be unselfish and willing to put other needs before his own, which is impossible for an N unless they have ulterior motives. I can't believe how close our situations are in relevance! Crazy! You will get to a point eventually, where it won't matter to you about their lives...it finally happened to me. And guess what? Just about a week ago, the OW sent me an email saying that she was sorry for all the horrible things she said to me and she FINALLY admitted after four years, that he had/has done the very SAME things to her too! Wow, that felt good to hear. I feel sorry for her, but it did feel good. But that can't be where the source of my recovery comes from...I realize this. If she is naive to stay with him thinking he will change, like i did for so many years, I truly feel pity and sorrow for her. I am so much better off and I have realized this, through this site!
Jan 10 - 9PM
Amazed
Amazed's picture

JordansMom, here for you

Hon, I know your pain. He doesn't look you in the eyes at parent teacher conference, he KNOWS he has done you wrong. You came through on the otherside. You are there to help your child, you are supportive. Realize, the way he acts, he is not so supportive. Of you, your child, anyone. Would it comfort you to know all he is doing is a ploy? He is a fake? It is a front? If I could tell you the betrayl he has put you through, he has done to countless others. Do not keep up with him. Act, literally, as if doesn't exist. Seems odd, out of comfort zone. YOU my dear have the POWER of love, and connection. Something he will never, ever have. How could he look at you, knowing this. That you have the power of love. You are shining before him. Let him go. How to cope? When you totally realize they are out of touch with humanity, and cheat and betray others to NO END, you realize, you REALIZE there is NOTHING to be jealous of, and you walk away, victorious.
Jan 10 - 8PM
JordansMom
JordansMom's picture

Those are really good

Those are really good points. I wish I knew why I'm continually want to be his victim. I guess it's because I gave up so many years of my life and now he never looks me in the eyes or acknowledges my existence other than to text me about some 'dumb' thing I did or for a new reason to take me to court.
Jan 10 - 9PM (Reply to #15)
JordansMom
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Oh, I forgot to say thank

Oh, I forgot to say thank you for taking your time and responding to my post! I am appreciative!
Jan 10 - 9PM (Reply to #13)
Briseis
Briseis's picture

After all the years you gave

After all the years you gave to him, why give him another fricking second of your precious life? What good would it do you if he looked you in the eye? Maybe he can't. I'd bet money on it. If he acknowledged your existance he might actually have to face what he IS. Giving years of your life to someone might create a kind of "habitual" focus on that person. But it doesn't guarantee that you are doomed to stay so focused on him forever. You just have to want to stop. Often, there are some good reasons why stopping the focus on the Narc is so damn hard. There is a TON of pain inside of us that has built up over those long long years. Frankly, it is terrifying to face that pain. Cuz you are also pretty pissed off at yourself and have regrets coming out of your ears.
Jan 10 - 9PM (Reply to #14)
Amazed
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Yes Brisies

We are hard wired to "feeding the narc", and act on it when they are gone, as if to try to fulfill them. They were never intent, nor are they ever intent to fufill another. Life is truly about them, in a dangerous, hideous way. They are not attractive. When we can really grasp this concept, we are on the road to true healing. Hope everyone gets there...it IS VERY painful
Jan 9 - 9AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

JordansMom

OMG I forgot to address the MAIN jealousy issue I have and had: the jealousy of the little boy. I gave this man my entire life, my future, my children, all of my time, energy, devotion, understanding, the last childbearing years of my life. He said he was rebuilding the house on our block for us, I helped him paint it, we picked out all the fixtures, etc. My girls and I live in a tiny two bedroom apartment with a nonexistent kitchen and bathroom, and the new house has six bedrooms, four bathrooms and nineteen kitchen cabinets. He and his foster child moved in a year ago literally behind my back one day while I was out of town giving a lecture. He had been living there for more than a month before I found out. A week before he secretly moved in, my lease was up and he had toldld me to renew my lease for another year "so I can finish our house, baby." He didn't want to tell me we weren't going to live there, but he didn't want to lose his screw next door. So my daughters and I were still living in that crap apartment while the foster child had his own room, his own bathroom and a playroom, was calling the narc "papa" and his brothers "uncle" (my daughters weren't allowed to)and while the kid was being introduced as "my son" my daughters were introduced as "my neighbor's daughters." The narc never even turned on the stove in "my" kitchen or used the nine foot marble island that he put in for "me" to cook on. When I got pregnant with the narc's baby, I said, "Ok, narc. What's gonna happen now? Is your own baby gonna sleep in a crib in my kitchen while your foster child has his own bathroom?" The narc said, "The baby can live with me." Talk about spitting nails. Jesus Christ I thought I was going to kill someone. Anyway, I know that when this kid starts questioning the narc's actions and intentions in a few years and stops adoring him, that things are going to fall apart and the narc will probably abandon him, too. That's what everyone's said. A god damned dirty shame. But I wanted to tell you that, though I'm not proud of it, that jealousy of the little boy still makes me insane. Absolutely insane.
Jan 9 - 6AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Oh I know jealousy so well

Jordansmom, TRUST me when I tell you, the jealousy ate me alive. When I threw my hN out, I was sick with jealousy, I couldnt take it, I obsessed over his relationship with the ow I threw him out with. Oh, they just seemed so happy, I couldnt imagine how good he was treating her, I imagined he was so different and he was going to become a wonderful boyfriend and lover to her and be faithful and kind, BULLSHIT he never changed, suffice to say, even with her money, all the stuff she was buying him, the weekend trips, the dinners, the new clothes and new shoes and sneaker, she paid for everything, I just couldnt imagine he would ever cheat or leave her, well, the truth is, they never change, ever, he cheated on her the entire time he was with her, he texted me everyday, saying he loved me, wanted me, needed me, missed me and he was so unhappy with her, guess what, he was, it lasted six months, they ended with her calling the cops and filing false charges against him, and he shit his pants waiting for the court date, needless to say, she begged him to come back the whole time, and even convinced the cop not to show up and my hN walked away scott free, dismissed, they still talk and text everyday, but he has not gone back, she is still begging him, as he lets our daughter read her texts, our daughter says its pathetic, my point is, she laughed in my face, it was our relationship, she thought, that was no good, hers was going to be perfect, but he treated her the same after only a few months, cruel, mean, devaluing, and finally discarding her. They never change, the money is a great enticer, but it only lasts a few months, they cant help themselves, they cant be loyal to anyone, and they are mean and violent and cant control themselves. Believe me, your x's new whatever, will get the same treatment, and she will find that it was him, not your relationship, and feel more pain than you do right now. I sucks that he let her get pregnant but unfortunately, she will pay the price. I know the feeling of jealousy, but, proof positive, they will crash and burn, its totally inevitable. So know that everyday, and you will find peace. I am living proof, they dont change, and I am all the better without him, even though there are days i still cry, i guess being with someone for twenty four years and being cheated on hundreds of times and discarded so many times, the pain lingers, but its only been since this past summer, i hope by next summer i will not even give a damn. Each day that passes i feel better, and the knowledge that he became worse with this last one, makes me feel even better. Good luck to you, and you are in my prayers, xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Jan 8 - 11PM
Deidre99
Deidre99's picture

Jealousy is a close cousin

Jealousy is a close cousin of fear. When you reflect on why maybe you have fear around this man, the jealousy will subside. I am sorry he hurt you so. You deserve better, and will find it. But ...close this door. The reality is...he will cheat on her too...eventually. If this is who he is...this is who he is. I believe people can make mistakes...but, when it's chronic behavior. It's not going to change. Be well...things will get better.
Jan 8 - 8PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

Hurts so bad

I can feel your pain. I went through this as well. The truth is: a leopard does not change his spots. I thought all the OW had it better than me. Funny thing is that none of my X's are still with any of the OW and to hear them talk now, it was no picnic. What goes on in private between two people is anyone's guess. Most people are very good at keeping up a front. Weren't we? None of my friends ever knew how bad it really was. They still don't. I remember when my son's father took up with another women. She acted all prissy around me like her life with him was so much better than mine. I thought she was so cute and perfect. Yeah until some guy my X pissed off came over with a gun and she answered the door and the X pushed her to the floor and shot the guy in the foot. Gee, she did not feel so perfect and normal after that happened. Kind of corrupted her perfect little world. Then he screwed her out of money and of course she thought he was not sleeping with any of the OW because she was so perfect and why would he do that to her?? Well the baby cried and the bough broke and she was left high and dry. She ended up leaving the state because he destroyed her perfect little world. They don't change and noone has it any better. It is all an illusion. I thought the same thing, I thought they would be different with me and of course it was the same shit different day. Jealousy can be crippling and the truth of the matter is: Noone is better than you, you are unique and special in your own ways and this is what to remember. I suffered with horrible jealousy and the answer for me lies in my self esteem issues. This is about self approval, self love, and appreciating yourself for the beautiful person you are and what you can bring to the table for yourself and son. The sooner you can let go of them the sooner you will heal and eventually meet someone who does treasure and love you in the manner in which you deserve. God bless, Goldie
Jan 8 - 8PM
LinaS
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I just wanted to say that

I just wanted to say that I´m so sorry about your miscarriage. I lost a baby too, and a few weeks later my exN left me for another woman. I grieve for my baby, and I find it really difficult to meet pregnant women. I can imagine how I would feel if I had to see my ex´s new girlfriend with a big belly. So I can really feel the pain that you are in. I get jealous too, and I sometimes hate the OW. But I try to remind myself that she´s a victim too. Sooner or later he will abandon her, or cheat on her. Most likely both. And he has probably lied to her and told her whatever he had to tell her to get her to start a relationship with him a few weeks after he had lost a baby with another woman, and to move with him to Hong Kong just three months later. He´s the bastard. Not she. The same goes for your ex. He won´t change. Maybe his new wife´s money will make him behave for a while. But he will still be the same cheating bastard he was with you. I know how hard it is to stop focusing on them. I realize that our situations are very different. I don´t have a child with my exN, and I don´t have to interact with him or his new girlfriend. But the thing that has worked the best for me is trying to fill my life with positive things. New people, new experiences, new projects. Good things that I do for me. That helps shifting my internal limelight from them to me, where it belongs. Hugs, Lina
Jan 8 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

You feed your jealousy

You feed your jealousy monster by keeping your nose in his life. Perhaps you also have a habit of seeing your cup as half empty rather than half full. If he cheated on 40 women with you, he is not going to suddenly be Mr Dream Husband with her. It does not work that way on Planet Earth. I promise you that. Your therapist is right. The thing is, you have to WANT to stop focusing on him, and right now, you don't want to stop focusing on him. You don't want to focus on yourself right now, it is "easier" to focus on him than to move on and take responsibility for your own life. You would NOT be alone there :) This is a battle we all fight, so I'm not singling you out. But you DID imply dismay that jealousy is taking over your life, and I assume you want feedback on how to lessen and rid yourself of the jealousy. It won't happen any other way but for you to look at yourself and get honest about why you cling to still being his victim even though you aren't even together any more.
Jan 8 - 1PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jordansmom

I am sorry to hear you are still struggling with this - and I surmise sharing a child makes it difficult to detach completely...BUT - I would like to try to help if I can. Feel free to take what you like and leave the rest... You said: It’s been over two years since we have split up and he has been married for over a year with a baby due next month. He will not look me in the eyes or even speak in my direction. It’s very humiliating and insulting when we have to have a parent/teacher conference with our son. I note that you have been a member for a year. I assume you know about Narcissists/PDI's and that this is what they do. You also know these characters lack empathy - they are void of soul and there is nothing you can do to get through to them, nor can you expect rational behavior. Psychiatrists throw their hands up and the profession as a whole seems to believe these individuals are incurable. SO - if you knew me personally and knew I was certifiably CRAZY - INSANE - would you expect RATIONAL behavior from me? I don't think that you would. YOU seem rational...SO - it seems that part of the problem here is that you expect normal, rational behavior from someone who isn't, never was or will be capable. STOP. Next: I have spoken with his wife and told her how violent he is and how much he cheats but she tells me, “that was your relationship, not ours.” This is so soul piercing and hurtful especially since he shows no indication of doing the same things to her. They are always traveling with our son which hurts bc I can barely afford my mortgage. Absolutely she is going to say that, that is what victims say before their victimized, while being victimized, and if they are really really weak, will continue to say that while being victimized...the narc I was with..."Mom and Dad" have been together 40 years - "Daddy" is a SOB! Narc and perhaps a few other things to boot...do you really really think after all that you've read and all that you know about this disorder that there is one ounce of truth in what she said? The problem here is your thinking and believing a LIE. It is a LIE, these men use people as objects...this is one time where it is not a good thing to think you are so "special" that he only chose you to treat like dirt. They treat everyone like dirt - and I know you know this - you must as you've been exposed to this site. Remember "Image" is important and these men change like chameleons so yes, the "image" is that all is well, that they travel, yada yada yada...but you're smarter than that right?...AND who's paying? You then stated: He cheated with over 40 women in our 8 year relationship and I ended up in the hospital three times. I thought their patterns continue, however, this girl has a ton of money so that may be why he is towing the line, I don’t know. Oh, I think you do know...her money is what's keeping him in line TEMPORARILY...now, she's not that special either...her MONEY is and what it can do for his image...the BABY sealed the deal, and I'd sell my butt in front of Macy's window rush hour during Christmas season that if they ever got divorced - Narc boy will go for full custody of the child AND ask for spousal and child support - these clucks have a constant MO... so lick your wounds and get your head straight. You are not looking at this clearly. Finally you say: My counselor keeps telling me to stop focusing on them and move on but for some reason I’m stuck and I can’t get out of it. I had a miscarriage right before he left and I’m still grieving about this, especially now that she is due in a few weeks. He keeps throwing it in my face that he is having a new baby and it is killing me. (The new wife sent my son to basketball practice last night in one of HER t'shirts. I could have spit nails about that.) I can't discount your pain at all - I know this is all very very painful and it's difficult especially without closure, without some kind of validation, without feeling there is any empathy or compassion on their part then they come back and throw more salt on a wound - BUT...the reality is: You've lost NOTHING in terms of his being gone. YOU SAY he cheated on you a ton of times...AIDS is enough to scare me... Is anyone else in this situation? How are you coping and not letting the jealously take over? I think all of us get jealous from time to time. I am aware that the narc I was with is trolling again, and he did some crappy things with cheating...and I even suspect he had a homosexual affair - and he never even tried to explain anything, he just turned on me. I am not jealous because I know in this particular case, I am the best he will ever have although he will never appreciate it - I know it - AND I know that for him, people are objects to be used and abused then discarded. I know that - I also know his history and it is consistent enough. I used to think I was "special" but now I know about the disorder - so I'm not jealous. In fact, sometimes I want to warn the women...but I know more times than not, women will choose to be foolish because they are so good at manipulating. SO - I choose to focus on me and try not to care too much about what he's doing - because when it comes to him, nothing will change and even just a few months away I have experienced a lot of growth. Pain and suffering but incredible growth as well. Focus on the growing and the learning and how to be a better you for YOURSELF...the heck with him - he will always be a five year old trapped in an old man's body. You will move on and you will be happy - he will ALWAYS be empty and miserable regardless of the "Image" he projects. All the best...
Jan 8 - 11AM
Used
Used's picture

jordansmom

he is saying these things to hurt you and wound you. THEY ARE NOT TRUE, he will be NO more faithful to her than he was to you, and if she didnt feel insecure with him, why put her t shirt on your son, no way [especialy with her money], would she not have something in her home to put on him, she done this on purpose. she knows what he is and what he does, but is in denial as we all were, i wouldnt want to be her when the baby comes, her tied to baby, him doing his own thing,and he will be, and its not about jealousy, its about the pair of them rubbing salt in the wound.. she will be one of us one day, of that i am certain. keep beign the person you are and let this pair[who deserve each other] go on their merry way TO NOWHERE:
Jan 8 - 11AM
helldweller
helldweller's picture

jealousy

Well, my narc is such a freak that ALL of his relationships are secret from everyone, so it's not like he left me for someone else, but he WAS having a relationship with someone else the entire time, And I found out he was giving her stuff he didn't give me. For example, he stopped actually having intercourse with me in favor of bjs and worse, while he apparently was "making love" to her the whole time. He also let his foster child have a relationship with her to the point where he asked her to be the child's godmother (had him baptized behind her back in the end, as well as mine, anyway, but still). He also had her spend time with his family the whole last year that he ostracized me from any interaction with them. The worst thing for me--before I even found out about the OW--was that he would let a friend of the family with no children babysit but he wouldn't let me, even though I actually have two children. It really makes you feel, yeah, like spitting nails. I think every single person on here is going to line up to tell you that it's all b.s., honey. The OW had a ton of money, too, and would give my multi millionaire narc checks every month because he told her he was broke. The money may be fun for awhile, but everything and everyone gets boring to the narc. they have got to have a continual feed of new, exciting "maybe she's the ones" in order to keep breathing. Or so they think.
Jan 8 - 11AM (Reply to #2)
JordansMom
JordansMom's picture

Helldweller

It doesn't make sense how these people do it. Who knows what you got and she did not that she is jealous about. Sounds like you actually got to have a conversation with this women, is she still with him? I keep thinking I have about 7 more years until my son is 18 and then I don't have to deal with him anymore but his new wife will have 18 more years........good grief.....that makes me sick to my stomach.
Jan 8 - 3PM (Reply to #3)
helldweller
helldweller's picture

JordansMom

Yes, I stole his phone one night when he was passed out and found not one but at least five other women he was involved with. This was the main one, as far as I can tell. Yes, I know he gave me different things that he didn't give her: got me pregnant on purpose (I miscarried, thank the Lord), asked me to marry him, spent holidays with me, let me in his house a few times and on his boat. It's very strange how they dole things out. I spoke to her for six hours the day I found her and then she never spoke to me again, so who knows if they are still together? She blocked me on facebook after SHE friended me, so I don't know. She lives two thousand miles away, but she was totally engaged in his life, so could still be happening. It's really, really hard to let go. To me the worst thing was that everyone said he'd never settle down and then he got this foster child of four years old when he was fifty two, so I really thought he was changing. No, it was just so he could have some love waiting at home while he trolled--and some bait to get new supply.