Jackie's Story

Out of all the regrets I have about dealing with my N, not finding out about NPD might be my biggest of all. If only I had found this out ahead of time, I would be in a much healthier position.

I am about one month NC after knowing this N for just over a year and a half. Our story is so long, but I'll try to condense it. I was single for over 2 and a half years when I met him. He was the second man I had ever been romantically involved with. He could have probably sensed this vulnerability and knew exactly what to do with it. He came on strong at first (HUGE red flag i failed to see), but I ran away from it (should have trusted first instincts). However, I always kind of regretted rejecting him outright because he was from a wealthy family (drove a fancy sports car in a big city, wore designer clothes, etc even though he is a student) and wondered if it could have actually been something.

Flash forward 5 months, July of last year. I run into him at a local supermarket. He was with a girl, but he looked at me, said hi, and I smiled and kept walking. He texted me after, called me several times, and eventually we went out. We also hooked up. I should have noticed then that the man I first met who showered me with "I REALLY like you" even though I told him not to was not the person I had just become intimate with. Total Jeckyll/Hyde going on (yet another red flag). I told him I was going overseas for 4 months and he told me to call him when I got over there. I left September 2008.

When I first went overseas, I called him and we talked for a while. After that convo, he didn't call. I texted him on his birthday and we talked again. After that convo, I didn't hear from him until 5 weeks later. Yet another red flag, but I took it as "if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you . . ." so stupid. Anyway, from early november until late January, we talked about once a week for an hour and a few texts throughout the week. We never talked about becoming bf/gf, but he would get angry when I didn't take his calls, ask me if I was out with guys, etc. He told me he was the nicest guy around, missed me, and had been faithful to me (which I correctly thought was a way of him trying to not use protection while having sex)

When I got back, he asked me out for drinks (should have said no!) and I went. We hooked up again and he made it clear, in no uncertain terms, that this was a FWB thing (I don't even want to type how he demonstrated this, but suffice it to say, he made it clear). I asked him "So this isn't going to be serious?" and he, caught offguard, was like " . . . i mean, i'll consider it . . . " so i just cut him off and was like "well I don't want this, bye" and he told me not to jump to conclusions, I just walked away.

He texted me a couple days later, I just ignored him. I wasn't feeling great about what happened, but I was actually at peace with what happened. Until the next weekend. Exactly a week after we went out, a bunch of friends and I went to a fancy dinner dowtown, where who should walk into the restaurant but my N, his mother, his brother, and his girlfriend. The same girl I saw with him in the supermarket that summer before. They had know each other before we had met, meaning about a year as well.

After they were seated, I walked by his table, so I knew he could see me. I didn't make a scene, I kept my cool, stayed classy, sat back down, and made it through my meal with my friends, even though I was tearing up inside. I went home right away and cried and cried and cried. I felt so dehumanized, objectified, and like a complete whore.

Despite my pain, I never called to scream at him, I never let him know my pain. There were red flags i overlooked, and i took responsibility for my naivete. He texted again about 3 weeks later and i ignored it. It didn't get much easier, I thought about it a lot, and cried and cried. Then, last June, he called. I had deleted his number so I accidentally picked up. When i realized who it was, my heart was racing. I just couldn't hang up the phone. Deep down, I knew I didn't have closure. What I didn't know then was that there is no closure with these ppl. I wanted to know how he could have done that to me. It was awkward, but we talked as if nothing had happened. He told me he'd call again the next day.

The next day I asked him why he was calling. He asked me why I was being "pissy." I told him that after leading me on for 3 months when I was overseas he treated me like a whore and a week later I found out why. He pretended like he didn't know what I was talking about. He made me tell him I saw him at the restaurant. He said I was being "absurd" i was "assuming." and with contempt, he added "that wasnt my GIRLfriend . . " Suddenly he had to go but he told me he'd call me again. Instead, he texted "I still like you." Naive me, I gave him another chance.

Long story short, even though he stood me up one time, over the course of from June-September, we went out 2 more times, hooked up once, and then he D&Ded me again. On the night we hooked up, he lied about his gf for about an hour and a half, further brainwashing. The difference with the D&D this time was that I was reduced to an arguing, confused, frantically calling woman. When this happened last January, even after the restaurant incident, I was able to deal with it myself. I never let him see it hurt me. This time, he actually got the satisfaction of rejecting ME. He finally told me that he wasn't monogamous, he pretends to be a gentleman, and being in a relationship with him is a "deal." A deal I would never agree to anyway.

I naively thought that since I handled his abuse so well, he would realize that I was mature, independent, autonomous, and good enough to be his gf, meet his family, etc. I was such an idiot.

In retrospect, I would give anything to have NOT deleted his phone number and ignored that call. I think I feel worse now than I did back in January, because I could feign SOME innocence. All that is gone, I feel beyond stupid/foolish/humiliated, and even though we had only been intimate 4 times in the past year and a half, I feel like the world's biggest whore. I doubt he'll come crawling back again, since I tried to argue so much, and he basically had to hang up on me I was so baffled/couldn't stop talking, trying to get an answer out of him.

I just turned 23 and everyone keeps telling me I'm so young, you were at the wrong place at the wrong time, this is a learning experience . . . But it feels like I've been crying for the past year and I just can't stop obsessing about that fake guy I first met so long ago.