Ive been on this site for a year

I know you posted a number of comments on here and said that you could not afford therapy. understood - do you have any health insurance? If so have you checked the benefits of people on there? aNd if that is all naive and you have done this, have you discussed with any professional medication? I ask this because it seems you are stuck. stuck in the cog dissoance of knowing he is bad and not going work and there is no hope of love or happiness of talking to him and the pain and horror of NC and the ptsd and pain that entails as well. And I don't know if I would have come out of that without medication. I am no longer on anti anxiety meds but I was for 5 months. and your statements and something about your tone reminds me of therapy sessions where my therapist literally said to me "there is nothing to talk about when you are so sleep deprived and not eating. we have to fix the physical and acute traumatic stress and then we can move on from there" just my thoughts. of course what everyone says on here about not getting better until you go nc is right. I just think you may need some extra help and if you can't afford therapy - which I understand is stupidly expensive - perhaps someone who could give it a little push?

I can;t see my own number of weeks on here but i know it's been well over a year. It was a year ago last summer that he hoovered me back from my bf, then D&D'd me weeks later. I ended up in bed for weeks, unable to move. I realized then I was too weak to go NC so gave myself time to handle it better by going back to him. When he D&D'd me again a few months later, it wasn't as bad. When he took up with his first OW in early spring, I cut him off for a few months, then took him back (she lasted about 7 months). Each time it was easier. I know this isn't the best way to go NC but I was SO incredibly addicted that I thought I would die of the pain. Now, it's been over a week since I've heard from him and I'm almost dreading hearing when I do. I do love seeing him when I can forget the humiliation he's put me through, but sometimes I can't. My advice is to be patient with yourself. Work on yourself in between seeing him and the attempts at NC. Work on making yourself feel better about you. Go on antidepressants if you have to. Start exercising. Join a group you're interested in. Keep your mind off him, even for a few minutes then work your way up. Fill up your life from the other end. Date casually. Remember everything you have you're grateful for. I'll always be incredibly physically attracted to my N. I'd rather talk to him than anyone, spending time with him than anyone. But as someone (Mandy?) said below, the thought of being in so much pain for years to come can make you want it to stop now. I'm not young and I don't want to be like this in years. It's embarrassing to me too in front of my kids and family to act like this. While I balance that with my just wanting to be with him, any time/any where, I know it HAS to end. But I want it to end on my terms. We will get there, even if it takes us a little longer. Hugs, tinker

after I started NC...the last time..this time...I had been in the tornado of off/ on with Narc and Ow for maybe almost 3 years at that point... some stretches of NC were 2 weeks, then 2 months, then more, then less... there were "incidences" maybe twice a week of lies/drama/ tow timing.. there were stretches of counseling..me..both him and I.... there were family deaths.. and holidays.. But life still kept moving on!!!! It took me awhile to FINALLY detach myself from my Narc...I failed a few times...and I thought I would die without him in my life.... BUT... Here I am... Hang in there...only you can decide when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.. Hopefully sooner than later...cause time goes quick!

Hi indenial - I realised I was dealing with a narcissist this time last year (after 8 years of on/off crazy/despair). I discovered he was looking for new supply again from the past. He feels he's entitled to check in with any woman he's ever known. I took the whole of last year to extricate myself from the mess - all 365 days - he knew I was finally attempting to leave for good and turned on the charm again intermittently - just enough crumbs, as they do. Finally after he blamed me again for the unrest in the relationship it struck me hard that this awfulness could last the rest of my life if I didn't really do something this time. As he sat there arrogant and smug as ever all the attraction went in an instant and I realised I no longer loved him. I thought he was the most disgusting human being I'd ever met. I told him it was over. I did waver but then I discovered he'd been unfaithful again and that was that. I no longer care where he is or what he's doing. I feel no urge to break NC. You can do NC - the hoovering is not a compliment - it's about control/ego for them. Take care of you - take one step towards a new life - choose freedom.

I am no expert at NC, as I`m sure we all had our ups and downs here before finding our will and our way. As you have mentioned, you have a fear of being alone. Yep, this is the key. I have it too. And try to work through it. I`m far from an expert at giving advice, and I`m not sure I will say something that hasn`t been said, but here`s what a trainer/psychologist woman said in some of her work. "How can you expect to deal with your loneliness, when you get out of a relationship only to jump on another? The fact that men come and go from your life, shows that is exactly what you are doing with YOUR life. You come and go. You don`t stay to know yourself any deeper, you don`t stay enough with yourself to know who you are.. Rather that cry for another bastard, take some time alone only for yourself. Get to know yourself better, accept who that person is, with everything, good or bad." Well something like that. It may seem harsh, but it woke up something in me, and made me stop running away from me, even for some moments. We have to find happiness in ourselfs, accept ourselfs, get to know and love this person we have abandoned so many times, US. We have to come to this state where we no longer feel "alone" with ourselfs you know. And it is possible, I know it. That is why NC and boundaries are so important.. Being in an environment that continues to hurt you and put you down, will not help you heal, or evolve. I wish you best of luck, and many blessings, you can do it!

What's helped me maintain NC for a year, even though it's been painfully difficult at times, is my own pride and ego. I don't want to look pathetic. I don't want him to know how far under my skin he got. I don't want him to know how much he hurt me and how miserable he made me. I don't want him to see he can treat me however he wants and I'll keep coming back. I don't want him to have any less respect for me than he already does. I don't want him to discard me again. I don't want to know that I made myself look like a fool by reaching out to someone who no longer wanted me in the first place. I don't want all his friends to roll their eyes and look down on me for still having him on my mind when he's long since moved on and then some. I never chased after him when he left with no explanation, never tore him to shreds and called him names and cursed him out, never badmouthed him to anyone who knew us both. He may have chosen to abandon me, but *I* chose to cut him out of my life and go NC so he couldn't waltz back in whenever he felt like it. I take pride in how I handled the whole thing on the surface, for him and anyone else to see - in private, I was devastated and fell apart, but I take pride that he never, ever knew that. It's consoling to me to know I handled myself with class and dignity and then and that I continue to do so. That's all I had after he left - my pride and my dignity, and how I portrayed myself to anyone who would've been watching. It would only take one contact with him to ruin that. I'm not about to throw it away.

11 years with ExN hubby. I didn't go NC completely due to our 3 kids. But in my mind, by not feeling anything about his messages, proved my "NC".initially i haf to CURB texting or emailing him. I waited for his response and replies and reciprocated instantly. i counted the days he contact me. waiting to see a pattern so that i can anticipate when to hear from him. 6 months post D&D, i can actually forget to reply him, and not looking forward to his contact. had no emotions when he does contact. its more like an arrangement about his pending court hearings and kids. best part is i no longer had the same pine, same pitiance, same friendship. he's like a sperm donor, or an old friend whom i am not keen or finds a chore to keep in contact with. some of the things i suggest.. occupy your time with doing self improvement, something to regain your self esteem back. meet someone new, be it juz new friends or new guy. its tought at first, i train my brain to associate myself with new people, new career, new goals, new life. i see my kids as MY OWN not shared. plan dinners, outings with friends, took up extra activities. fill up the time and exhaust yourself a little. then your mind will not be idle, and probably he will slip off your mind bit by bit.

Forgive me- I don't know the details of your story. But it seems like your struggle is universal among us to a certain degree...but each person and each relationship is unique and so we all have to get to the other side in our own good time. Don't beat yourself up about that. That said, I think you need to start taking a hard look at youself... obviously NC is the only way but first, I think you might ask yourself, what are you getting out of maintaining contact? Be honest. B/c even though he initiates, you certainly don't HAVE to respond to him...nobody is forcing you. That's a choice, and it's your choice. (I hope I don't sound harsh or judgemental, btw. I really understand and feel for you b/c I was in a similar situation for a while- I didn't contact him- but I could not resist responding to his contact...until I looked in the mirror and was honest with myself about why I couldn't let him go entirely). And I truly believe that people (even the good ones) don't do anything unless it serves them in some way. So why do you keep resonding to his contact attempts? How does it serve you? Is it the attention...validation....belief/hope that he can/will change? Personally, I think that's what you need to look at....and then really challenge yourself and whatever those feelings/needs/beliefs are. If you do, I think you will start to see that you are looking for whatever it is...in the wrong place. B/c he will never fill you up, rid you of lonliness, validate you....and most of all, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. EVER. HE WILL NEVER BE THE MAN YOU NEED OR YOU DESERVE. NEVER. EVER. You've got to accept that. When you truly hit rock bottom, I think you will see it. And then NC is easy...b/c there is nothing there for you anymore.

Am I the only one that takes this Long to get away once they know what they are ? Actually, I think that prize goes to me (unfortunately). I was on here over a year...went back twice (against the advice of everyone on this board and my therapist) and would still be involved with Mr. N had he not ended things with me. We all have to find our own way, however I do NOT recommend the path I took...I don't recommend getting swallowed back up again into the abyss of a Narc relationship. When he ended it..I was absolutely in despair again...but a couple of key things helped to push me back to shore...1. I had a great session with Goldie (I highly recommend a one on one with Goldie!!). She didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, she told me what I NEEDED to hear. 2. My sister in law pointed out that I had not abandoned Mr. N (as was the fear in my mind) but that Mr. N had abandoned me. I will admit, I could have made things a LOT easier on myself had I simply listened to everyone on this site instead of insisting that Mr. N was somehow different from other Narcs and I could somehow have a different outcome than everyone else on these boards. I honestly thought that my newfound understanding of Narcissism could keep me from getting sucked back into the insecurities that I experienced during the first round...but that was just my wishful thinking. NC truly is the only way...and in order to allow NC to work..you have to give the Narc no opportunity to contact you (and vice versa..which includes innocent spying on facebook). I see that you are concerned that he will contact you again...don't let him. What you don't know cannot hurt you..not the way his hoover attempts can. I don't want you to surpass me as far as "the individual who took the longest time to "get it""....I'll gladly keep that title if I can spare everyone else from getting it. It's not a good title to hold...I can assure you of that!!

You have got an addiction and codependence issue. Every time you speak to him your wound is getting deeper the scar tissue thicker. Whether he is a narc or not you have a psychological addiction and some self esteem issues. People with healthy self esteem dont keep going back for more. These situations oftem mimic some childhood wound that you may or may not be conscious of. I suggest you go cold turkey hour by hour minute by minute and start addressing some of your issues. Yes you will obessively think about it for a good while and thats not a horibble things its just your brain trying to make sense of nonsense. Rehash things as many times as you need to but dont talk to him anymore. Everytime you do you go back to sqaure one. Sorry if I sound bossy but this is something I know about. I had one of the worst addiction problems on here.

I was married to a exn 7 years and recently been 2 years with a narc exbf. The exbf, well it was hard as hell for me because he was narcisstic as one can get. he D&D the first time for someone else. 6 months late I was the one that broke no contact and we got back together, 2 year later he D&D me once again, in the most callous ways. I believe I am codependent also and am going to therapy for that. That being said. If you want to be strong and start healing you have to have NC. U need this man out of ur system completely. He is a toxin. I think there are plenty of us that keep going back. Its tough, i know its prety damn hard for me as well because i need to contact him quite often to get a "fix". but like anything its like serving drinks to an alcholic..they won't get better. Please try and establish NC, I fell for his hooovering too, ive also contacted him before. but this time i want to be strong, im tired of being treated like a rag. But don't beat yourself up. start over again.