It's so amazing that I forgot

It's been 3+ years since I made my decision to stand up for myself & listen to my own voice. On January 23, 2012, the Walker dropped me on my head and then stomped on my heart w/o missing a beat. We (or at least me) had been making a life together for 2 years. We were 2 mature, single adults who spent most of our time together. He was very involved with my family, loved my kids, included my mom in our activities and said we would be the couple walking hand in hand on the beach at 80 years old. On the surface, he treated me very well by taking me to exotic places, sending me sweet cards, spoiling me with gifts etc,. We wintered in the south and summered north b/c we are both retired. I spent an enormous amount of time & effort searching for a home for him to purchase b/c I had real estate experience..He purchased the house in October 2011 and I made it a home by furnishing & decorating it. I loved it and I loved him. However, the little voice in my head told me something was amiss. He would get upset about taking photos of us, he was very impatient, he became enraged over the smallest mistake, flip flopping over minor things. I did have the feeling that the other shoe would drop & told him so. He said I was crazy & that there was no other shoe. Temporary relief for me. I needed to fly back north for a sale on a property which would take about a month to finish. In that months time I noticed that his calls became more infrequent & short. I could tell he was holding back. I asked him if he missed me and he said "not really". Really? Why? "Well, you're dragging your feet about coming back". I suspected something else but I chose to ignore it for the time being.

I thought about our convo, trying to decide if I should ignore it b/c I wanted so much to live my life in the sun with him, embracing this wonderful life we created, not throwing away my future. I also thought that if there wasn't total transparency between us then I would be living in a constant shadow of doubt. This was probably one of the most difficult decisions I would ever need to make. A red pill blue pill moment. I truly loved him. After being in an unloving 30 year marriage with an NPD husband, the man truly made me feel alive & sexy. It was exciting, like a new adventure every day. Yet that still small voice kept telling me something was wrong. I knew in my head but my heart refused to see. So I made the call back and asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said yes. He then gave me a laundry list of my faults. Oh God, I pleaded please let this be a bad dream. I wept so hard that I thought I couldn't stop. Then he hung up on me. I decided right then & there that I could no longer have any contact with this man. This was before I knew what NPD, D & D and NC meant (my exh was diagnosed w/npd by a psychiatric hospital but I had no idea what that was). I knew that he could never have truly loved me & treat me this way. I think I may have sobbed uncontrollably for weeks before doing a Google search on passive aggressive behaviors and came upon this site.

Joining Goldies group, I was able to sort through this horrid mess and slowly start to see the ugly truth. It really had nothing to do with the Walker. He just happened along in order for God to show me how to heal myself after a life of toxic r/s. Over time I forgave myself & I've come to forgive him as well. I also made a life long friend from group who I talk with every week. Going through my journals recently made me realize that I had forgotten all about Walker. I won't ever forget the lessons learned, but the pain has morphed into a blessed love & respect for my own life.

My wish for everyone is to turn your pain into your own gain. We grow through pain. Thank you for listening & for this healing place we found.