It's November and I am scared

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#1 Nov 2 - 2PM
dabussard
dabussard's picture

It's November and I am scared

I am scared that I will fall back under his spell... He told me after the D&D last April that he would see me in November... I hope and pray that the OW is good enough supply that he stays far, far away..

My barrel racing season is over and I am finding myself feeling kinda lost... My gf's have been pestering me to go out on the weekends with them... I want to, because I have tons of fun with them... But, I am afraid of running into him... Guess my plan is if he shows up to quietly leave...

I have found that I have been hiding behind anger and not letting myself feel anything for anyone or anything.. And, this scares me because I am/was such a loving/giving person... A friend of mine from MI came into town for deer hunting... He said to me last night, "where is the sweet D that I have known and loved for years" I replied "she's gone"... After he left, I just laid there and cried...

God give me the strength to make it thru this and be the sweet person and everyone remembers... Because I do not like the person that I am right now...

Nov 3 - 10AM
Sea
Sea's picture

I almost forgotten that narc

I almost forgotten that narc said to me during last d&d that "we will review about our relationship in early dec". I asked him why? He said to see how i feel by then. Oh ya he wants me to forget about his abuse by then! And spend xmas together? So that he can discard me by yearend, move on? I was so busy counting my NC days that i forgot about it. With NC, power is in your hand. Just ignore him. There is nothing he can do. He stalks, u call the police. Take care.
Nov 2 - 4PM
Goldie
Goldie's picture

dabussard

You are contradicting yourself all over the place on this post. I have been at this for a long time and I know what I am talking about and like it or not, I get the strong impression that you are not done. In the first sentence of this post, you say that you "hope" that you will not fall under his spell as he said he would see you in Novemeber. And then you respond to Used that you will never ever go back to him. The biggest thing that I see in your posts is how much power you give to this man. You give him the power to control your life and actions. WHY?? You need to digg deep and ask yourself why are you giving this man so much power. What spell are you talking about? The spell to destory your life? The spell to hurt you again and discard you? YOU are in control of your own life and no one else. You call the shots. This man is a nobody. A nothing. Yet you make the statement that he may still have you under a spell. What do you find so compelling about this man? Seriously, is is not as though you are in a long term relationship and have children together or a plan for a loving future together. He is a sick twisted evil bastard who has caused you and your family and friends nothing but pain and destruction. What is the pull? What is the compulsion which you have towards him? He is bad news, pure and simple and he brings nothing to the table. The ONLY way for you to heal and recover from this parasite is to begin to make empowering statements. Positive affirmations. I want my life back. My life belongs to me. I only support and welcome loving nurturing people into my life. I love my farm and will allow no negative forces to affect my family, home, and life. I am in control of my destiny. I deserve loving kind gentle people in my life who are loyal and honest. I believe that your anger stems from YOU giving this idiot your power and that you are not really angry at anyone but yourself for your weakness towards him. Snap out of it and wake up and smell the coffee. NOONE HAS ANY CONTROL OVER US UNLESS WE GIVE THEM THE CONTROL. My love and prayers are with you as your muster up the stength and desire to call it a day with this useless poor excuse of a blood sucking, using, leech. God bless, Goldie
Nov 2 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Yes, you are right

I am mad at myself for ever getting involved with him... Mad at myself for ever falling for his shit... Mad at myself for ever having feelings for him... I am scared of what I will do if I run into him... Whether it be ignore, run away or stand up and fight for myself... I have alot on the line if I do the fight for myself part... Spell would be to destroy me... He will do whatever it takes to destroy my life... If I screw up and do something stupid.... Bam, he has won the game... He has vandelized my truck, flattened my tires, Cut my emergency brake cable twice, had his friends follow me, tried the triangulation game by having the OW's contact and follow me... He has left gates open at the farm, cut string on the hay baler, been in my house, rearranged chairs on my back patio as to say I have been here... Yes, I have police reports on everything, but no dang proof... Until he is caught red handed, there is nothing I can do... He is is a low life piece of crap.... He is doing these things to stay in my head and to make my life miserable... Guess I am at my wits end, I am afraid of November because he will up the anti... He's a farmer, he will have more time to mess with my head... Don't know how much I can take until I break... Maybe this will help everyone understand my anger better...
Nov 2 - 3PM
ewa
ewa's picture

He told you on April that he

He told you on April that he would see you in November? That is weird. But you know what , i do not think you will actually see him :). My assumption would be that he just wants you to think of him and have all this you are currently going through. The "sweet D" is not gone. If you keep NC with that bastard all this sadness will go away. It is just a matter of time. Go out with the girls and have fun or do sth what gives you pleasure. Trust me you will get over him. I know what i say. I was there and i am not there anymore :). I can't believe i was there and you will reach this point too :).
Nov 2 - 3PM
Used
Used's picture

DAB

you don't need to stay the person you are now....just keep him out of your life....you are realy contemplating going back to a man, who in mayjune of this year, told you to go away and come back november....if you can live without him since may, why would you want him back...you also got herpes from him....
Nov 2 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

I will never go back

I will never go back.... Never, ever.... He is evil, heartless and a low life... He doesn't deserve me or any girl for that matter... Part of my problem and anger is that I ever let him in my life to begin with... I know that it is a game to him... It was a game all along... but for me it was real... I fell hard... I just have to remember all the bad things and not the good... And, if he comes around, I must stay strong and run... Get away as fast as I can...
Nov 2 - 3PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

hey girl!! I have been

hey girl!! I have been thinking of you, lately. I am sorry you're feeling like this. I've followed your entire story, and just have a question...why do you give this guy so much power? After all this time, you have done so well with NC...what's it about him, or the situation, that holds you down? I am thinking that once you get to those answers, you'll be able to recover...and return to that girl you once were...but a stronger version. I never want to be the girl I once was--a vulnerable narc-magnet. But, I had to get to the heart of my problems, and why I was so willing to let men use and mistreat me. I ask you these questions to help, and with no judgement. I've been exactly where you are, but at some point, dabussard...you have to not let this man have so much power in your life? In your mind. He's not a good man, at all. Nothing redeeming about him, from what I've read. He's an abuser and user. It should matter little if he has 'better' supply. What should matter is that you get yourself to a point of complete recovery. I know you know this. lol I'm just posting it here, as sometimes, when I read things...it brings my own thoughts to light. I just want to help you. ((hugs))
Nov 2 - 3PM (Reply to #2)
dabussard
dabussard's picture

Deidre40

I wish I could put my finger on what it is about him... I hate the power that he has over me... I will fight it tooth and nail if I have to.. I have ignored his hoovering thus far... Just afraid that he will up the anti... Only thing I can come up with is that "I fell in love with him" and when I love something I never stop... I still love my ex bf from back in high school... My ex and I have remained friends...... Kinda weird I know... And, the other thing is that he is like out of my reach, a challenge... I know not good... You are so right, he is a evil man... He raped me for god's sake... Guess I just need to keep remembering the horrible things he has done to me..
Nov 3 - 5AM (Reply to #5)
NarcJunkie
NarcJunkie's picture

Here's how a friend helped me

I have the same problem: I fell in love with the Narc.. so deeply. And I couldn't stop loving him even after I realized what sort of person he is. Because once I love someone, I love them and I don't know how to just drop them out of my heart like that. Then, about a month ago, I met a male friend of mine, and when I told him about this nice new guy I've been dating but how I didn't love him the way I loved Narc, he said: "So, tell me, what do you love about him so much?" And guess what: I hesitated..! Not one thing came to my mind straight away. I was like :"Uuhm... well, he was so gentle and loving... no wait, he's not... ok, he's handsome... and he's strong and confident .... no, he totally isn't, he's weak, he's a coward..!!" So my friend smiles at me and says: "See? You DON'T love him..." That was a real eye-opener. I love the man I saw in him (and I don't want to let that guy go), but I don't love the real HIM at all..!
Nov 3 - 4AM (Reply to #4)
Syren66 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

You love someone who does not

You love someone who does not exist...the asshole he is today...is who he really is. The guy you met in the beginning? Mr. Wonderful? That's his sales pitch.
Nov 2 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
into the light
into the light's picture

My advice is that if you have

My advice is that if you have friends you can have fun with, and who love and respect you, then you should be out there spending some time with them. We empaths are social beings, unlike the unfeeling lost souls. We can give and take, interact normally, enjoy being with other people for all of the right reasons. If you see him, ignore. You should not have to hide away from human company. Why not reclaim your life? x