It's just a thought and thoughts can be changed.

I have been having a fair amount of CD and straight up delusions about the possibility of making contact with the N the last few days. Thoughts like, "If I could only make him understand... Maybe he'd be willing to explain to me why he did this now... But maybe we can try again and have it no be quite so bad..."

*insert record scratch sound*

What?!?! Where are these thoughts coming from and what are they about?

Honest answer? I'm bored. I've not had forward movement in my personal and professional life and I am bored. My mind is used to having the emotional turmoil and creating the suffering that comes from replaying memories over and over and thinking that they will somehow turn out differently this time around. As we all know, nothing in Narcland changes. Ever. Well, except one thing: me.

I'm not sure how many of you (if any) are into Buddhism thought of we create out own suffering, everything ends, change your thought change your life, etc... If there is one amazing thing that has come from my experience with this N was the highlighting of my pattern of being with unavailable and narcissistic men (Thanks, Dad!) and this spiritual journey I've been on. Anyway, I had been having these recurring thoughts the last few days and I started to lean into them. I've learned for me that what I resist stays. So, every time I had the thought of "Why did this happen? Somebody other than me mustknow the truth about what happened, right?" I inserted the thought "I accept this thought and I grow through it." It was working for me.

Then I pulled a "Power Thought" card today (by Louise Hayes) and the card said something like "It's just a thought and thoughts can be changed." Thank you!

I, like each of you, have the power to change my thoughts about the N, what happened, and my role in letting myself down. That's been a major shift for me; the realization that I let myself down (weak or no boundaries, passive aggressive behaviors, not standing up for myself, etc). He didn't let me down. I let myself down and now I am changing that thought from "I let myself down" to "I accept these events and choose to grow from them."

I know it's not all sunshine and peace, but intentionally changing thoughts intentionally changes your life. Challenge yourself to substitute the thought of the N or the victim mentality when you are spinning. It's kept me NC and I hope that it will help keep you NC, too.

Carry on and be strong!