It's Jaycee, Thank you for your concern

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#1 Oct 20 - 6AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

It's Jaycee, Thank you for your concern

Betty emailed me and asked if I were ok, I told her, no, Im not doing well trying desperately to get better. having such a hard time, have hit rock bottom in every sense, wishing I could feel better and get my life together. I just cant right now. Im so sad and heartbroken over this pos, but so difficult after being with him for twenty four years, and living an illusion, yes, i know, it was only an illusion, but it has effected me and my kids terribly. my daughter is using again, and is out of control, trying to get her into a program but shes fighting me on it and lying at every turn, promising she will go, then, saying shes fine. my son, is doing well in the army, as he has gotten another promotion, but hes drinking alot and is very moody. hes very bitter about his father, and i know its eating him alive. I wish things were different, i wish i could stop caring the way my hN has stopped caring, but still, he calls and texts and comes here telling me how sorry he is for what he has put me through and how much he regrets it and how unhappy he is. i know all bullshit, but for the moment i will pretend i accept his apology and pretend i feel sorry for him, but i dont, and i know hes a psychopath, a textbook psychopath. i accept he doesnt love me and never did, but i know every word out of his mouth is an utter lie and that breaks my heart, if he were truly sorry, i could accept his moving on, and someday forgive him, but for him to continue to string me along, knowing how sick i am over it, is devastating. and please, I know some of you think you are giving me tough love, but some of your posts are downright mean. I know everyone here has their own pain, and i empathize, i wouldnt care if you asked the same question a hundred times, all i know is i would just give you my thoughts, i wouldnt rip you apart for being weak, as i know how weak i am. thank you again for your concern, i will someday, i hope, be well, right now, im in the throws of a thousand different emotions, and have the added devastation of my kids to contend with, as well. jaycee

Oct 20 - 2PM
cluelessuntilnow
cluelessuntilnow's picture

Jaycee, I don't think I have

Jaycee, I don't think I have ever posted on one of your posts but I have been following. It is complicated enough having been in a relationship with a Narc, let alone having children with them and having them in your children's lives. It is a constant battle to keep your own hurt and pain managable and also try to support, protect and be there for your kids who are going through their own pain because of their father's behavior. I have been where you are in my round 1 with the exN and it was HELL on earth. Truly and it was not just about me and my pain then you add all the implications for my son. It is devastating and my emotions were completely all over the place just like you describe above. Like you, I hit rock bottom completely and had to start over completely and it was REALLY hard. And there is the realization that you have children with this person and you do not have the luxury of having them gone completely and forever. I get it I do. I say this in support of you, it took me years, literally 3 long years to get out of the hell I was in because the damage was great and my exN was stringing me on as well. You were in that relationship for a LONG time and you have children with him. You need to patient with yourself. And it may take 200 times of going over something before the 201st time where you have a breakthrough. All N situations are different some simpler and shorter, some more complicated with lifetime implications (especially when kids are involved). Things are already tough for you, what you do need is support and understanding, I get it. Honestly, the last thing you need is one more thing being tough on you and you are not weak. You are handling more than any person should have to. You are in the midst of the storm and my thoughts are with you. Hugs, Clueless
Oct 20 - 8PM (Reply to #27)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

clueless

thank you for responding to my post and thank you for your words.........its been a hell of a time for me........but thanks to everyone here i am having some good days...xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 2PM
jen79
jen79's picture

Jaycee!!

I am so sorry to hear these things about your daughter. I dont know how you are doing this, jaycee, but you are obviously stronger than you think you are. And your feelings you have now, are a normal reaction to all this stress. I dont know what to say, and I feel inappropriate to answer, but I pray for you jaycee and your children. I promise, I include you in my prayers before sleep. Hugs and Love.
Oct 20 - 2PM
Briseis
Briseis's picture

((((Jaycee))))

I am so sorry to hear about your kids. We have kids close to the same age, and mine had NO father because he just abandoned them. Having to watch them suffer with that is heartbreaking. It made me realize that the only parent they actually HAD to work with was me. And I had to be as strong as I could be. I had to make myself stronger, and I needed help doing it, it wasn't something I could just decide to be, you know? We did family therapy, and I got my own therapy too. I'm sorry some of the feedback you got felt "mean", or that it was ripping you apart. It is hard to figure out what people really mean when all you have is words on a page. When we get to the new forum, there will be chat boxes where you can talk directly with the person in question, in real time, and get clarification. I know I talk straight and I intend to go for what I see as the big glaring issue at hand. I am pretty sure I'm "right" when I do this, but of course I know I might be off. I rely on the person I'm talking straight with to tell me if I'm off the mark, and I listen to that. I never hope that what I say inspires fear or has a person feeling persecuted or singled out. I have been in your shoes, at least in a basic way. I remember what I did to crawl out, and I just offer what I did with a smidgen of what I've seen others do. Most of it involves busting through denial and fear and paralyzing self pity, and that stuff hurts like hell. Sometimes the messenger gets the rap for the message :D and that's OK too. But from what I understand of the ladies here, to a WOMAN (and a guy :D ) we care about YOU and if what we say feels mean or tearing you apart, TELL us that. It is safe to do that here :) Sometimes it is just too much to hear, and when it starts to hurt too much, no progress is going to be made :) ((((((jaycee))))))) I'm glad you are here.
Oct 20 - 12PM
kiwi10
kiwi10's picture

awe jaycee!!

we were all so worried about you honey :( don't go away ever again just cuz your sad. we love you
Oct 20 - 12PM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

thanks for such a wonderful welcome back

thanks for such a wonderful welcome back....and thanks for all your words, all of you......and michele, iced coffee is my favorite........wish you were here too.....please continue to pray, all of you, that God may answer my prayers.......and I too will keep all of you in mine. i am a good soul, aa are all of you, we deserve not to live in pain, but being such wonderful people pain stays with us much longer than the evil ones. i pray i get through all of this, without dying first....yes i fear that, and then, where would my kids be without me, i am the only one they can truly depend on.....honestly, and they know it.......much love to all.....Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 10AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

psychopath

Jaycee, Our N's are similar. I am here for you. Anytime. I am sorry for your recent feelings. I have them also and now I do not sleep. That is new. I am scared he will kill me. I am scared that he won't kill me and that it's all just in my head from all the reading I do and the BS my therapist told me. Sometimes, we can be sensative and sometimes we can be downright postal angry. Sometimes we are stronger than others and these "moods" switch literarlly within seconds. Are we disordered (temporarily) from being with a disordered person? I have no idea. Keep posting, it's getting your feelings out honey. XOXOXOX
Oct 20 - 8AM
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Im so glad your back honey.

Im so glad your back honey. I want you to always feel at home here. We know your struggles. We know your pain. You ARE NOT alone. Although it may have been a while since some of us have been in the thick of it we have not and should not forget. There will not EVER be any bullying or harassment on this board. I personally will not stand for it and I know Lisa will back me up on this issue as this is not her premise of creating this safe haven. We all need to be mindful that we are attempting to communicate through text. Words can and will be lost in translation. We must be mindful of how we are presenting ourselves and representing AAH. I do not know the context of what transpired nor who it was with but I can tell you that if this does happen again I will take action along with Lisa to correct the issue. Frustrations mount when we see one we love hurting and we sometimes feel so helpless that we may react in a negative tone. It is not meant to hurt but to help those wake up to the reality of the situation. Sometimes this may go overboard but again it is not intended to be cruel or to punish you in anyway. I hope you understand and can believe me when i tell you this. We love and care about you deeply. Any members having any issues that involve another member I urge you to bring them to my attention immediately. Have a wonderful day today Jaycee and to all the members on the board. Welcome home! :) xoxoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 20 - 9AM (Reply to #19)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

betty

thank you for what you said i know we all love each other and care for each other although we dont even know each other and its a solace to have people who know your pain. im glad im back and want to heal, wish the pain was less, but the added atrocities in my life do not help. xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 4PM (Reply to #20)
betty2020
betty2020's picture

Hang tight. The relief will

Hang tight. The relief will come. Look at all of these wonderful people here that are supporting you. Listen close. Their words and wisdom are priceless. Just stick close and it will happen. Clarity will come and your decisions will be apparent in time. Pain is pain and we cant take that away but time, healing and a program of solid recovery can. It does require work and all good things in life come to put in the efforts. I know I will see you on the other side in time. I will be on the look out as I always am. :) lots of love Jaycee xoxo only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

only one way to go...Forward (tm?)

Oct 20 - 7AM
Klarity Belle
Klarity Belle's picture

(((((((Jaycee))))))

This is such a difficult time for you - is it possible you could limit contact with your xH further? Him coming and trying to hoover you up with his faux remorse will be making it hard for you to move forward. So sorry it is so black for you right now, it is understandable that your grief will be so deep and the trauma scars, keep moving ahead one step at a time and one day you will turn a corner, it takes time to reclaim ourselves after such an ordeal. I am sorry to hear about your children but they are adults now too and best you can do is encourage them in the right direction for their own healing as well as set boundaries where any destructive behaviour impacts on your life. You can do this Jaycee, be gentle on yourself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran "That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The deeper that sadness carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." ~ Kahlil Gibran

"That which we do not confront in ourselves we meet as fate" ~ Carl Jung

http://www.storyofmylife.com/KLARITY4

Oct 20 - 8AM (Reply to #17)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

klarity belle

Klarity Belle, thank you for your response. i know his faux remorse, is just that faux. im not blind nor stupid, im just devastated. it does make it harder for me to move on, all the things he says and does, dont make sense, but thats narcworld for you. i know he is a psychopath, and cannot, no matter what his situation is anywhere else, let me go, he thinks he owns me, i think he rather enjoys knowing how devastated i really am. but what he doesnt know is, i am the only person on the planet who knows what he is and what he is about.....he has fooled his mom, his friends, and his ow for years, but i know him, i know hes sick and twisted but his charm and lies, are not so easily pushed aside because, unlike him, i loved him truly madly and deeply. i wish the world could see him without his mask, but that will probably never happen, unfortuately, his kids have started to see him without it, and it is more destructive than anything else. i think they always knew what he was but now they are absorbing the truth, and that breaks my heart. Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 6AM
NancyM
NancyM's picture

jaycee

Oh you poor thing jaycee, I do understand how it must feel that the World just seems to keep dumping on your head. Look I know it is OK for us to try to tell you what you need to do, BUT 24 years is a goddammbloodyawful long time to just try to fathom and get your head around. Your here, and you have booted his ass after all these years, you are not weak honey. To have put up with what you have for so long suggests to me that you have a pretty strong constitution. A lot of us reach our limit after about 6 or 7 years if you average this board. It is not because they were stronger or suddenly "woke up", it is because most of them had nothing left. Its ok to vent, and keep posting, because even if some of the things said do not resonate with you at this time (just pass it by for now) someone just might have a little pearl that may help you for a little while, and that is the best any of us can do coming out of this. So sorry you are experiencing all this drama on top of your escape from a N/P. I don't know if this will help, but when I was going through the worst of my meltdown, my daughter basically steered clear and would not have anything to do with me. She would not listen, or respond to anything. I learned later that she could not bear to watch me in pain. BUT as I began to heal, I stopped being so reactive and we reconnected our relationship even better than it had been before. As I healed, she healed with me. I know it is not much as your problems obviously exceed that right now, but when the fog does clear, it will get better. {{{HUGS}}} to you. I think many of us understand just how raw we all are when we first try to move forward in this. Take care.

Nevergoback

Oct 20 - 7AM (Reply to #12)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

Nancy

Nancy, thank you, yes, I know my daughter cannot stand to see the pain i am in, but i do try to shield her from it, as she is a heroin addict, she started using a few years ago, she got out of control and i did not even see it. she told me she knew all these years what her dad had been putting me through, and knew i was pretending everything was ok, she was using, and i didnt even know it, because my illusion spanned across my family, my hN, my son, my daugher, i just wanted my family and wanted the all america family who was non disfunctional, it that exists. I am not blaming him, i am to blame as well, but she and I were so close, we would watch movies together and lay together and laugh and go everywhere together and i still had no idea, when i found out, it was a month after this whore called me to tell me she was sleeping with my husband and he would be hers, at the same time, my son, came home from prep school, yes, prep school, full boat scholarship athletics and academics, recruited by all the top colleges, came home to tell me he joined the army, in wartime, i knew since he was little, that is all he ever really wanted, but i never thought he would do it, so in one month over two years ago, my serial cheating narc husband's bold whore informed me, my son broke my heart, although i am so proud of him, by joining the army, i found out my daughter was using heroin, and too boot, in between it all, my sons girlfriend called me and asked me to take her for an abortion because she was pregnant, lovely, i had the worst month of my entire life, but i tried desperately to keep it together. through it all, in the first months, my hN threatened to leave me, told me to shut the fuck up on a daily basis, he was totally abusive, out of control, but i needed him, so i pleaded with him not to leave, i hung on for dear life, and allowed the abuse, then he put his mask back on and dumped her for a while, i knew he had others, but they were just sex, this one wanted him, and bad, so ive been tortured and abused, and devastated for almost three years now, and i cant believe i am still standing..........oh I pray everyday God answers my prayers, but I know he has held me up throughout it all........i just wish i could face the day with a new outlook and not give a shit what the narc is doing and whom hes doing it with, his little whore, she will get hers as karma is a bitch, the others, never abused me, tortured me, or even bothered me, they would die if they knew i knew about them, this one, in my face for over two years till i threw him out, too bad she doesnt get he would have never left, nor does she get, what he did with her, he is doing too her...lol right now, that is my only solace knowing he will never change.......no matter who he is with. as for my children, i am desperately trying to convince them i will be fine, and they too will be fine. my daughter has to be my first priority every morning, because she cannot go on like this she is only 19, and she is beautiful, and funny and witty, and i cant believe she self medicates, i hate myself for it, i wish she would have come to me before she crossed that line.....we spoke at length again last night and i told her how sorry i was for not knowing and for her saddness and need to escape this family, and she said, mom, if anyone is to blame, its dad, you have always been here for me, its not you or your reaction to him, i just get sad knowing i have a father who really doesnt love me.........but i am so sure of your love, at least i have that....boy did i cry......i hope she knows im always here and i love her more than anything..........sorry for babbling Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 8AM (Reply to #15)
NancyM
NancyM's picture

Don't be sorry for

Don't be sorry for babbling...babble away. We are here to listen. At least you know you do have the love of your daughter as well as her understanding. Unfortunately we are not the only victims of the Narc, the damage is so far wide reaching that few are really aware of the wide path of destruction they leave in their wake. It will get better.

Nevergoback

Oct 20 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
MsVulcan500
MsVulcan500's picture

Oh Jaycee,

I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am for what you and your family are going through. This just shows how much the N's don't just affect their spouses/SO's, but everyone who is close to them. I so hope you can convince your daughter to get help. She has so much to live for. (((Jaycee))) (((Jaycee's daughter)))
Oct 20 - 7AM (Reply to #14)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

oh jaycee

msv, thank you im trying to convince her, im trying to get it together for myself as well. i hope i dont have a nervous breakdown, maybe i already have, i read somewhere on line, that psychopaths, not like ted bundy, but your average person who is a psychopath, causes those around them to have a series of nervous breakdowns, and those who have them, dont even know they are having them. im sure ive had plenty...but im trying to keep it together, if only for the kids. thank you, keep us in your prayers.....xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 6AM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Jaycee

If I seemed harsh, it was not meant to hurt you and I'm sorry if it did. I hope and pray that God gives you strength to endure. If I may suggest, if you don't want to come online for a time, when I've been really "sick" or in "pain" or "suffering" I troll without signing in. Maybe reading some things without interacting if you can't emotionally handle it will help. I do know the feeling. I so pray that God will give you peace and serenity. I sat up here tonight wondering if I should check into the Psych ward but the feeling of desperation has passed now that it's morning - I wish I could find a shrink that gets it. All the best Jaycee, stay strong.
Oct 20 - 7AM (Reply to #9)
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

michelle, email

Please read my email asap. No emergency. XO Jaycee, my heart bleeds for you and everyone of us!
Oct 20 - 9AM (Reply to #10)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Blueeyes

Will do, had no sleep worried about a "legal notice" My landlord fraudently sent me an eviction notice claiming non-payment.... Sick...sick...sick I am trying to hold on but I'm fucking drowning, I can't take anymore stress!!!!!! I have every check!...they're harassing me and I am too weak to fight.
Oct 20 - 6AM (Reply to #7)
jaycee
jaycee's picture

jaycee to michele

michele, i am so sorry you are in such a state as well, glad the feeling got better by morning. you seem so strong in all your posts, but i know, even the strongest can break at moments, but i think they are only moments, please be well and know that you can change shrinks, go from one to the next until you find the one that fits. ask them if they understand the effects of narcs of their victims, that may help eliminate those who wont fit. my therapist is very well rounded, but at times she doesnt quite get it, but then she does, so i know she has dealt with some of the issues with her other patients, i think even for her, its difficult to fathom the extent of the damage, and she is a professional......be well, you are in my prayers, xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 10AM (Reply to #8)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Thanks Jaycee

I'm really, really glad you're back...BIG HUG...and I am praying that things work out for you - you are under a tremendous amount of stress - especially since your kids are going through changes too. I wish you weren't across the Atlantic, I'd drag ya out for some Iced Coffee...or are you into tea?.... All the best! WE WILL SURVIVE!
Oct 20 - 6AM
jaycee
jaycee's picture

girls thanks for those prayers, as I need them

thank you for offering to keep us in your prayers. xoxo jaycee

Jaycee

Oct 20 - 6AM
blueeyes
blueeyes's picture

jaycee and Betty

What a wonderful board! Jaycee, you are in my prayers. I'm sorry and I understand. I am not well but I can encourage you to focus on a hobby that you enjoy? Betty, your the bomb! Always on top of the members is not easy in a busy life. I can tell you care.
Oct 20 - 6AM
faithinthefuture
faithinthefuture's picture

jaycee

jaycee my heart breaks for you. Please know you are in my prayers as are your children.
Oct 20 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
Janet
Janet's picture

I am so sorry. It is

I am so sorry. It is unimaginable for those who have not been targeted to understand the depth of pain they cause. We care, even though we have not met face to face, we care very much and want to be here for you to talk to. My prayers are with you and your children. Peace. J

Peace. J

Oct 20 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
MovinOnUp
MovinOnUp's picture

Jaycee

Glad to see you, love. You may have already done this, but if you haven't -- google Naranon either alone or with your state so you can get some support for what you're going through with your daughter. If they have a meeting near where you live, go. If mom's going to naranon it might give your daughter a little push in the right direction. And you will learn valuable coping tools for yourself, because just like with a narc, when you have an addict it is hard to focus on anything but them. So the skills you learn there may also help you with the N. Heroin is tough, because it is dirt cheap like alcohol. I don't know if she's working or still in school, but do your best to shut down any cash flow coming from your direction. Even a gift card has purchasing power on the street. If she wants/needs anything, you go with her to buy it. This is, without a doubt, a you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink scenario. You may have to allow her to fall pretty far down before she opts to get up and get help. My heart bleeds for you, Jaycee. But please don't lose hope. (((HUGS)))