It's been 6 months

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#1 Nov 3 - 11PM
Anonymous (not verified)
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It's been 6 months

I certainly do feel better than the severe pain I felt (it was actually physical) when I was 2-4 monts post narc.

It is STILL hard for my brain to wrap around the experience. I had a little crying episode again today... just why why why "narc" is what I was crying aloud. Why didn't he leave me alone.... all the protests I gave. He has ruined my life and the typical strength I used to use to pick myself up and keep going (you know... that strength we have during the other arduous situations in our lives)... well that part of me that used to handle THAT is missing.

I'm stuck .... like a snail without a shell. Hmmmm probably not a good analogy, however I feel SOOoo vulnerable, weak, soft, and incapable of getting out of this state of mind.

I have always known never to put all your eggs in one basket or you'll be disappointed. However, I think I am doing so when it comes to this retreat. I really hope it helps. I hope the other ladies are kind. I hope the therapists are good. I hope I gain insights and get some strength.

I leave on Thursday. I did a little packing for it tonight....feeling ambivalent about it (the retreat)..... any thoughts?

jessika

Nov 4 - 11PM
cynthia (not verified)
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hey hon

ask them how we get off the couch? ha ha ha doc increased my meds for awhile, and back on xanax to calm me a bit, you will do fine, cry, let it out, and deprogram and get this sick animal out of your thoughts once and for all, cant wait to hear how you feel afterwards,
Nov 4 - 9AM
Jessika (not verified)
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Thank you

everyone. Staranew.... I appreciate your encouraging words!! These 6 months have felt SO long Barbara, ugh. How crazy is this.... he is the messed up one. He is completely damaged/ broken/ repulsive and no better than a reptile and honestly should just eliminate himself from the face of this earth as far as I am concerned. I certainly wouldn't cry over it. Some things just make sense to do. He's 'broken'- However it is ME going for treatment. (?????????) A normal, loving, happy girl (pre Narc) and I am leaving my home and job for help. Where is the justice in THAT?!?!? Anyway, I am going to be thankful. Grateful that I found this site... grateful that I have a good therapist; grateful that I have the insight to know when something is above my head and beyond 'intellectualizing' to make it better; grateful I have the freedom at work to take off at such short notice; grateful that I am learning from my mistakes and have gotten rid of ALL the narcs in my life--- not a single friend left - and I had SEVERAL narc friends- beautiful, shallow, name dropping, designer label wearing, Benz/ Hummer/BMW driving, partying, irritable, jealous assholes who called themselves my FRIENDS. I'm grateful that I am going to be the real me.... the sensitive, mellow, spiritual, nerdy, calm, silly woman that I am and not what the narcs have wanted me to be simply because I don't look like I should be deep. Grateful that I never have to see him or any of the other narc friends again. Just thankful to God/ higher power that I got out of this alive and that although I am scared about all of this recovery/ healing, I still have some faith that I'll be ok.... someday. Jessika
Nov 4 - 7AM
tina
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Jessika

Hooray for you! I too believe the retreat will be good for you and think about it, you will be surrounded by ladies who can relate. That is huge. You are a very brave young lady and we are proud of you.
Nov 4 - 6AM
Barbara (not verified)
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Jessika

I bet you come back and say the retreat really helped. Tell Sandra that her blog-buddy Barbara said hi! http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2009/11/03/10-steps-freedom-narcissists Remember - it's ONLY been 6 months... you have a while to go. ~~~~~~~~~~~~ My Abuse Information Site Online Coaching & Help
Nov 3 - 11PM
staranew (not verified)
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Jessika

I personally think it is a great idea. It will help you to meet share your story with others who are going through the same. It is such a validating and strengthening experience I am certain that there you will be provided with the tools and the means to handle all the difficult moments that may continue to arise on your way back to YOU . I truly believe it will be a catalyst in your recovery especially because it is something that you have chosen to do to get better for yourself. You will definitely gain powerful insight into the whole dynamic of what happened. Maybe after this you will "get it" internally, subconsciously and those intrusive destructive thoughts will no longer be an obstacle in your daily life. It would be great to put it all behind you once and for all and have him seem so far away you only see a blur in the back of your memory, but only because you have chosen to think about it, and as you do there is a great sense of relief that all the pain and disgust is gone and you can sincerely laugh it off as just another rotten person that came once and now you pay no mind because he is no longer in your mind. The ambivalence might be because it pulls you out of the comfort zone you have been in for the past months, but it will get you into the right track to recovery.. I haven't been to any retreat of the kind, but I can imagine how wonderful although trying it might be to deal solely with what has been affecting you for quite a while. There you can truly let it all out and know that you are safe for your experience will be completely validated and all will be done to lead you into being your whole person again. You are going to return to the light and joy in your life and there's no price for that. Let us know how the experience goes. I will be praying for your "enlightment" and that you come to realize from deep inside how worthless this sub-human is and how that has no reflection on your worth --you will come to this realization not from an intellectual point of view but from a knowing deep inside. No more suffering, no more guilt .. just enough to sweep away the remaining residue if need be and on the way to complete freedom from this nightmarish stronghold. Good luck! Hugs and courage! You are a brave soul!
Nov 4 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
4joys (not verified)
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jessika

Good for you for doing something productive to help yourself. you'll do great!