It TIME for me to BE COMPLETELY HONEST with myself first and Everyone else!

Hi Guys,

It's time for me to be 100% honest with myself. Not just half truth's and half hearted attempts to change my life.

Since Oct. 4th when I caught my Ex and his Ex Wife's house, I only went 1 full week of NC. He came to my house, huge blow up fight, blah, blah, blah. But I have posted on here a few times, usually after another huge blow up! I have been going to therapy and I have read the books, both of them, but I ignored it all. Wasting time and money, because from the night he came to my house and I took a ride on the crazy train. I have not gotten off.

I have responded to emails, texts, his random visits, with sometimes happiness to see him or hear from him and sometimes anger for his blame. I am so sick and tired. Its almost been 3 solid months of this back and forth, a game, all a game. I sometimes wonder if I am just as much of a Narc as him. A part of me wanted him to chase me, it would be a complete lie to say otherwise, but in my heart I knew and have know after 10 years, there would be no winners at the end of this game.

I went to Vegas on a trip that was already paid and planned. I had bought us both tickets. I gave him his ticket and I took mine. We stayed at 2 different hotels and the 2nd night after probably over 500 texts, he comes to my hotel and I sleep with him.

It lasted all of about 3 seconds after the sex - he immediately started on "what" I had done wrong to ruin this relationship of 10 years. I laid there feeling, cold, used, sick at my stomach. I got up, told him to leave- go away.

HE was super angry, I was angry, mostly at myself for being drunk and stupid and wasting 3 MORE months of my life on someone who will never get it!! Never. He left, and I laid there and cried myself to sleep - cried the cleansing, healing cry of goodbye. My best friend lives out there, she got to the hotel later on that morning and I told her the whole truth, showed her all the texts, listened to all she had to say. The key here being I listened.

I handed her my phone and said only give me this phone if my mom or my son calls. My mom was so lovingly here to be with my son.

My friend took the phone I never had it in my hand again until I was getting on the plane to come home. She said to me, Karla- run- don't walk as fast as you can away from that man if you value your life, your heart and your son!

I know I looked at her like "what?" She told me that the things on those texts, she had never seen in her life.

I get home, and turn on my phone.. There are probably 100 more texts.. over and over and over. What a whore I am, etc.

I have to say, yes I am. I whored my body to the devil and my mind to the devil once again, because something inside me is so broken, that I don't believe I am worth more than this man. I did finally get home as quick as I could and block him once and for all.

My friend called me this morning, worried about me and we had a long talk.

She sees it all from the outside looking in. She knows my ex very well and the repulsion I could hear in her voice brought it home for me.

I have been consumed, lost, in a dark fog, pretending strength when all this time, still playing the game and getting deeper and deeper into the depths of hell.

So Hi Everyone - my name is Karla, I have been with involved with a Narc for 10 years of my life and only 2 days of NC. I am ready to start my life again, free of pain and dark, and sadness and hatred of myself. I am ready to tell the truth to myself and now to all of you.

I am thankful for all your responses from my previous posts, I am thankful to have somewhere to go to see I am not alone and i am thankful for best friends who wrap their arms around you and say- the devil will not take you anymore!!

K-