It still irritates me to see narc having a great time

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#1 Nov 7 - 8AM

Sea

It still irritates me to see narc having a great time

Some people just have the luck.

Just read the papers, the ex narcky could turn a misfortune to an opportunity apparently. I know it has got nothing to do with me but i cant help feeling irritated and some anger. Due to his lack of empathy, he never suffers. Never unable to sleep or anything. Karma never caught up with him in 50+ years. He had life really good.

On the otherhand, i was abused, discarded mercilessly. I was hurt so badly and started NC which was so so hard and painful at the beginning. That assclown got away unscatch. He activated his ow almost immediately and life goes on.

So many of u have seen your narcky in despair etc. That narcky i had went about life all these months happily. So unfair.

Sumiko

#2 Nov 8 - 8AM

NarcJunkie

I hear you!

It's hard to endure their happy act while we are struggling and suffering. I, too, have a strong craving for justice and it makes me ANGRY to think that they are getting away with it. But: they're not getting away with anything really. We are still letting them manipulate us in our heads bc this is what they want us to believe: that they are leading this awesome life and are so much happier without us because WE were the problem all along. And as long as we still doubt ourselves we buy into their BS. But in a way, people always get what they deserve... or rather: they get what they focus on and what they pursue. So the Narc gets money, fame, women, you name it... you get self-knowledge, wisdom, new friendships, personal growth... And as we all know: the longer you ignore your issues, the worse they get. So the Narc may still be successfully ignoring his problems now, but some day they will confront him with triple force. It's like ignoring your bills.. you can do it for a while, sometimes for a really long time, simply refusing to pay... but then one day for sure you will face foreclosure. Life will pay them back eventually, but the "how" and the "when" is not up to us. 7 years ago I got dumped by a lying cheating bastard, and had to watch him move on and live this happy and perfect life with his OW... I was furious, I wanted him punished and nothing happened!!! Well, I recently checked him out online. He is still doing the same things he did 7 years ago, still always smiling, seemingly successful, still with OW (still cheating on her probably). But I have changed so much and done so many things in these 7 yrs. I still have a long way ahead of me, but slowly, with every passing year I grow stronger and happier. And when I saw those pictures of him smiling: I couldn't have cared LESS whether he is happy or not, whether he got punished in some way for what he did to me. I see him for what he is now, a shallow liar that I want no part of... and my only regret is that I didn't get dumped sooner! ;)

#3 Nov 7 - 8PM

Susan32

It's not REAL happiness

Remember, it's all an act. It's like a soap opera, with as much bearing to reality. Ns/Ps write fairytales in their heads... but what actually happens is REALLY different. The ex-Psych and I were seen as an ideal couple, in a sense, always together at the coffee shop... on the surface. BUT it's what lies beneath. Narcissistic injuries aplenty (for him) and emotional/intellectual dissatisfaction (for me) During the final D&D, one of my friends bluntly asked me how my relationship with the ex-P REALLY was. At first, she perceived it as a hysterical, love-crazed student hurling herself at a teacher. So I had to PAINFULLY go back to the beginning. As my friend put it "UNHEALTHY relationships end in UNHEALTHY ways." It was a downward spiral. I wanted to talk about philosophy, Wittgenstein, St. Augustine, "War and Peace", Tolstoy with the ex-P... I desired it intellectually.. and the ex-P withheld. It was intellectual rather than sexual dissatisfaction. No wonder I went to Bible studies, volunteered, looked elsewhere. I even got books of Wittgenstein so I could talk about it with the ex-P and I got (a)silent treatment (b)complete change of subject (c)the usual WHINING. The ex-P was never happy about ANYTHING. Even after his girlfriend moved in with him... he wasn't happy about it... then I had a lightbulb moment of sorts. My brother in-law was overjoyed when he was engaged to my sister;he showed off the engagement ring at the lab. On the other hand, the ex-P called his engagement "private" and I was angrily accused of violating privacy. He wasn't physically affectionate with his girlfriend in public (of course he wasn't physically affectionate with me, I was a student, duh). Not once did I see them hold hands. Or kiss. or arms around each other's shoulders. I saw the ex-P publicly abandon his girlfriend in front of his colleagues, without introducing her to them. She went running down the stairs after him... they argued their way down the stairs. I was UNHAPPY with the ex-P... and he wasn't exactly bubbling over with happiness over anything. Over 4 years, I never saw him happy. If he were TRULY happy-I would be genuinely shocked (however, he lectured on happiness, if that counts, LOL) What SANE person would envy THAT? I'd rather be happy on my own, than unhappy with an N/P.

#4 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #30)

Hermes

Susan

Totally and absolutely correct, Susn. "That is not happiness". As with everything else, the NPD is all just "appearance", or as I have seen it described "smoke and mirrors". Aren't we all lucky we do not have NPD? So so many times I have told myself that. Hermes

#5 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #27)

Sea

Dear Susan, that bloody

Dear Susan, that bloody narcky ex of my past is so good at displaying the happy side always. Having been months out, I am no longer envy. But he managed to get away from my whole relationshit with him unaffected, like throwing away a metal can after finishing the softdrink. Nothing! Got away from all this. I got nurse my own injury, heal, do NC etc for myself. Him? Nothing!

#6 Nov 8 - 9AM (Reply to #28)

Susan32

"Time and patience"

That is what General Kutuzov calls the strongest warriors when battling the Narc Napoleon in "War and Peace." I think "time and patience" also describes the healing we go through after the final D&D. We have to be patient with ourselves, realize that healing takes time. Your Narc manages to keep up his act-but it's just that, an act. You saw your Narc's nasty side, as did I. A profoundly UNHAPPY man who's shallow. It will get better, you will heal... and yes, karma works. It might not be instant karma, but God will do you justice.

#7 Nov 8 - 9AM (Reply to #29)

Sea

Susan do u know i am most

Susan do u know i am most fasinated by how u can quote so much in all your post! I could imagine you teaching in a college! Yes time and patience. In the Chinese Sun Tze's art of war it says know your enemy to win the war and time/patience is of essence.

#8 Nov 7 - 6PM

Gaia

Hi Sumiko

I struggle with this too, just like everyone here. One minute I wish him loathing PAIN, but then I remember he is a broken little boy, his soul was shattered by his narc mommy, and someone did it to her too. A terrible cycle. He was just an innocent kid, that was ABUSED. I am sure that may be the case for a lot of these xN's. It quite annoying to sit and think about how he discarded 8 years of love and LOYALTY from me, and moved on to OW instantly. I am struggling financially, picking up all the pieces, and he is flaunting his money around, he bought off my relativesin the past too, I am SURE he is doing the same for OW's, or who knows. He always had to look like the "saint, charity worker, helper..etc" Upstanding at work, the community..etc. Once he pulled off the road and gave a homeless man a blanket. Boy, did he hook me with that one. I have the same type of heart. I have a hunch , he is probably living a new life, er..I mean a new LIE. Maybe new style, clothes, fads, opportunities. This one liked to be a chameleon. Either way, I have to shake it off, and NOT care, dont think about it. I have to start MY new life, and be strong...YOU TOO! I am sorry you have to even see yours still, I am lucky enough that this one flew the coop. And I have not the slighest idea, what he is doing, or with whom. I try very hard not to be karma police, I know he KNOWS this is my personality. I have always been about an "eye for an eye" and HE KNOWS THIS, I am sure he is just waiting for me to take revenge. But, maybe I will bobble his lil peanut brain , when I do NOTHING. HAHAH! Take heart Sumiko, he will get his day. with love, SG

#9 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #25)

Sea

SG, am not sure when he will

SG, am not sure when he will get his day! haha hopefully we dont care anymore by then. He is lucky to got away this relationshit with us unaffected. This irritates me somehow. I'm waiting for this feeling to pass.....

#10 Nov 7 - 12PM

darling.girl

Wanting him to suffer

Sumiko, I wrestle with wanting to see my exN suffer in some way. Ideally, others have pointed out, we'll get to a point in recovery where it doesn't matter. I don't know. I spoke with a friend about this. I asked her if I had been physically raped, wouldn't she want to see me bring the perpetrator to justice. While it wouldn't undo the damage, there would be an action taken toward justice. I think that's what I'm looking for in wanting the narc to suffer. Perhaps souls more advanced than I can move beyond the "eye for an eye" desire for justice, but right now, I want that. My exN is wealthy, has numerous diversions, entertains lavishly, obtains his next narcissistic supply on the pretext of being generous. He financially supports many family members (which I think buys their loyalty and would make them hesitate to question such a "generous" man). What a perfect front, right? He has a girl in almost every town he visits. It seems to me that he is getting away with it. Those are the key words: "Getting away with it." I don't know how to make sense of whether narcs suffer in some way. I do know that my narc made a big point of proclaiming how much fun he had. It made me wonder if "the man doth proclaim too much," as if he had to force the point. But I don't know. It would feel just to me to know that the pain and havoc he caused in my life was visited on him.

#11 Nov 7 - 1PM (Reply to #18)

bumblebee

Darling Girl

Sounds just like the ex-N... wealthy, girls in every city, entertains lavishly, flits from city to city "for work" but I swear he just follows the sun - winter wkds in Florida or Arizona, California, summers in Boston and NYC... With that said, he drinks too much and while that still seems like he is having a good time, we all know that drinking is just a way to delay "his reality" setting in on him; lately, as in the last few times I saw him, he was VERY drunk...beyond socially appropriate and I saw a notice for a hearing on his desk that he had a hearing for his driver's license being suspended. There is more to him and his suffering than he shows. I'm sure he'll rebound, but for me, it just enough to know that they really do suffer- even if just for a few minutes before they delude themselves again.

#12 Nov 7 - 3PM (Reply to #19)

Lisa87

Darling Girl and Bumblebee we dated same Narc lol

We dated the same Narc! lol could have written it myself. Girl in every city, travels for work, wealthy, spends lots of time in FL and CA and lives in Boston, summers in Newport. Also, major drinking problem to drown his sorrows, he should be happy as a pig in shit to have his freedom and power but nope nothing will ever make him happy.

#13 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #20)

Sea

Darling Girl, Bumble Bee, Lisa87

"My exN is wealthy, has numerous diversions, entertains lavishly, obtains his next narcissistic supply on the pretext of being generous. He financially supports many family members (which I think buys their loyalty and would make them hesitate to question such a "generous" man). What a perfect front, right? He has a girl in almost every town he visits. It seems to me that he is getting away with it. Those are the key words: "Getting away with it." We dated the SAME guy. The did just what you descibed above. And I am feeling the injustice that he managed to GET AWAY WITH IT!

#14 Nov 8 - 6AM (Reply to #21)

bumblebee

Sea

Yes, we did date the same guy!! It is such a great front for them. And I know for me, I chalked a lot of his unavailability to his profession and traveling... dumb idea (lesson learned! haha) But if our guys are similiar (and/or maybe the same - who knows with guys dating people in cities all over the country!) I feel enough peace to have seen just a couple slivers of the real him...mostly when he had drunk too much. They are tortured inside...mine hid it for SO long and I only saw because he started to let his guard down. I know it's hard for me to wrap my brain around things I haven't personally seen, but try to think back to a couple moments where you may have seen something. Justice is there...it's just not for all of society to see.

#15 Nov 8 - 8AM (Reply to #22)

Sea

Bumblebee u totally

Bumblebee u totally understand my feelings! Thanks!! So comforting to read what u wrote. I too wished i have seen silvers of his real self. He is in his 50s, dont drink ( max 1 glass of wine with meal), dont smoke or anything. He is very controlled so he fasten his mask very tightly. The only ocassion closest to his real self was when i confronted him with his NPD diagnosis papers. He said yes he is "not normal", cannot have a normal relationship with any women ever because 3 months flat and he is bored. He turned and look at me, it was the most scary pair of eyes i have ever seen in my life. 3 words: big, hollow, bottomless pit inside the iris. That was for less than 1 second and he looked away. I will rem that eyes forever. That was 1 single moment of truth i've got, otherwise its the mask only.

#16 Nov 8 - 11AM (Reply to #23)

bumblebee

Wow...

Sea - sounds like his eyes left quite an impression and I agree it was a moment of truth. Scary... It's so funny the stuff that you notice when it is so out of the ordinary from typical human interaction and experience. And yes, it does sound like he held his mask on very tightly - very controlled. Almost soulless (sp?)... Without a soul, he isn't capable of giving or receiving love or feeling joy... how sad. I have recently started to see just how good my life is compared with their's and I often find myself leaning towards pity over revenge of what he did to me. Pity - but pity from very....far...away to ensure NC stays! ;-)

#17 Nov 7 - 11AM

dulcinea441

No offense, Sumiko, but your

No offense, Sumiko, but your narc sounds like a real ass. He's mean, he's cold, he gives no one any emotional satisfaction for being with him....he's one of the worst-sounding cases on this board and that's saying a lot! I don't mean to be harsh, but you deserve a million times better than this creep. I can't stand to see such a good woman hung up on a total assclown!

#18 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #16)

Sea

Dear D thanks for telling me

Dear D thanks for telling me this. He seems so benign that he did not hit me or stalk me etc. But my anger with him seems disproportionate.

#19 Nov 7 - 10AM

bumblebee

They truly are tortured souls...

Sea, regardless of whether you see him as happy all the time or not, they truly are tortured souls. The more you read about NPD, the more you see it. While I don't know if it's a great parallel since it's been a LONG time since I read the book, but Ns that never seem upset or to have hit dire straits (the ex-N would have falled into this category)...I think of The Portrait of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde. Needless to say, in the quiet hours as he ages, the reality sets in. I think the same is to be true for some Ns who are able to delay reality for so long. I think it is important for us on here NOT to focus on whether or not they are happy - as our goal is for them to be irrelevant to our lives as we move forward. With that said when you are feeling weak, just remind yourself that they are more tortured than you could ever imagine - it's a life I would wish on NO ONE, no matter how successful they seem at a glance.

#20 Nov 7 - 9AM

Hunter

Ok.. If that's how you define

Ok.. If that's how you define Happy,, Hunter

#21 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #13)

Sea

Hunter, maybe not happy but

Hunter, maybe not happy but how should i put it. The gettin away unaffected while we are injured. The injustice affects me...

#22 Nov 7 - 9AM

empath

he's still a Narc, and you're free...you win!

He's still disordered, no matter what. He will never know love or make that feeling of self-loathing that he lives with constantly and tries so hard to mask, go away. You are free from his crazy world now and are on your way to having true love, happiness, contentment and joy in your life. YOU win! Maybe you can't see it yet because you are still judging yourself according to the Ns standards...however, in the Real World, as opposed to Narc World... You win. :-)

#23 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #11)

Sea

Thanks Empath, I am thankful

Thanks Empath, I am thankful to be able to get out of narcky circus. The healing was wonderful with NC. No hoover so I got peace and time to work on myself. The narcky is still out there, ever playing - nothing ruffles his feathers, nothing affects him. he is IMMUNED to anything.

#24 Nov 7 - 9AM

Winter

Sea, the appearance can be very misleading

It may look like he is very happy. Some people fake it very well. They do not let anyone inside because they are so ashamed of their own emptiness. So try to not be fooled by appearance. At the same time I think it is very important that we try to let go of worry if they are happy or not. Sumiko, it really is not as important as it may seem sometimes. We have our life, our own business to deal with. Wishing someone bad (even for the narc) is empoisoning for our souls. So let’s free our souls and do not hold any bad feeling in it. Love Winter

#25 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #9)

Sea

Dear Winter, actually not so

Dear Winter, actually not so much of wishing him bad but more like feel unbalance myself that he could get away from the whole thing totally unaffected zero injury. On the other hand I was so injured. More of an injustice feeling. I dont care if he's happy or not now. I'm irritated that he had it easy. I know all these feelings will go away.....

#26 Nov 7 - 3PM (Reply to #8)

mystwoman

This is so very true, Winter.

This is so very true, Winter. The narc may look happy, but he's not capable of really BEING happy. Just like everything else in the narc's life, it's all an act. They're frauds. When xnh dumped his first wife and took up with me, she told him, "You'll never be happy. You don't know HOW to be happy." She didn't even realize he was a narc, at the time. However, she hit onto the complete truth. I'm sure that she got stuck watching xnh's huge charade about how HAPPY he was after he dumped her, just like *I* hear about his "happiness" now that he's rid of me. It's all complete crap on xnh's part, and I know it. He's currently involved with a firmly married woman, who I suspect is a narc herself. Xnh is absolutely buried in debt (and was before he dumped me). Xnh's oldest hideous P daughter is still mooching off him along with her abusive gang-banger former boyfriend's baby, and she absolutely will not work to help support herself. She's living on welfare and food stamps in xnh's bedroom and has a drug problem. Xnh's youngest daughter is also still living with him (unemployed). Six months after xnh dumped me, he impulse-purchased a very overpriced home in a neighborhood where most of the houses have cracked foundations (kind of like a narc, this seems somehow fitting to me - lol). It is located 65 miles one way from his job. Xnh has already been in trouble with the home owner's association twice (that I know about). However, according to what xnh tells other people, he's living in absolute bliss playing in his cowboy band (which he swore the entire 16 years I was with him that he would NEVER do because it was beneath his "talent"). Xnh has, also, managed to twist his hideous P daughter's getting pregnant while on drugs into HIM being a grandpa (as if HE actually had anything to do with it - it's always all about HIM). Xnh claims he has now FINALLY bought a "family" home for his "children". They're 19 and 22 years old, and they DID have "family homes" growing up with both their mother and myself. Xnh's offspring were NOT poor little orphaned, homeless waifs nor are they "children" any longer. Xnh is not a "hero". He's merely a financial idiot with a very big mouth. Xnh only thinks about himself, and what HE wants at the moment. It's all he's capable of doing. Xnh is a narc. On the rare occasions that I get stuck seeing xnh at work, he does NOT act happy. Actually, according to what others have mentioned to me, xnh acts like he has a hot poker shoved up his butt most of the time (which is "normal" for xnh - he doesn't know HOW to be happy). He's angry just like always. Narcs are full of anger. His stories about being just so happy are just that...stories. It's an illusion. I, on the other hand, am free of xnh, and life without him is really good now for me. Winter is correct. Don't worry about the narc. We need to focus on our own lives and our own business. What the narc does/doesn't do is not important. They'll be narcs whether we're there or not. Go completely NC and turn your back on anything about him. What counts is our own healing and recovery. Bad feelings only hurt ourselves. Don't give the narc that power. He's NOT worth it. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

#27 Nov 7 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

mmp526

Winter- HOW do you get to

Winter- HOW do you get to that place? I cant help but wish something bad upon him- something to even the score. But I dont want to feel this way. It's hard to not wish him the same pain (or 100 times more!) than the pain he has caused me.

#28 Nov 7 - 4PM (Reply to #3)

Winter

mmp

Good question. I was asking myself the same question many times. When people describe their anger and the fact that they can't cope with it, I absolutely cannot relate. I almost never feel anger nor hate. I can be irritated sometimes, but it never last more than 5 minutes. On the contrary, sadness is my best friend. Sadness and anxiety. So for me it is very natural do not wishing bad to anyone. How can it help me if the person who hurt me will be hurt and will be miserable? How can it relieve my sadness, my anxiety? Logically I mean. Maybe you can ask yourself the same question. Just imagine he got a car accident or he is abanodonned by everyone. Try to imagine it is real. Will you really feel better? Will you really enjoy it? I am not talking here from the moral nor spiritual point of view. Just from the very down to earth logical one. How can it help you? How can it influence the quality of your own life? For me in no way. But maybe I am missing something here...

#29 Nov 8 - 7AM (Reply to #7)

mmp526

Its weird- because I dont

Its weird- because I dont want him to hurt permenantly, but just feel the pain I feel- even if only for a short while. Here's what I want- for him to hit bottom, and him to realize what he did to me, and to be truly sorry from the bottom of his heart. Yeah, pretty sure that isnt going to happen.

#30 Nov 7 - 6PM (Reply to #4)

lana22

He will never be happy! you

He will never be happy! you must find happiness within yourself before you can ever be happy with someone else. You must go within or you will go without. They are constantly looking for someone to make them happy. It can't be done and that is why they are never settled. N's are liars, cheaters and constantly thrive on drama. If they act happy its because that is exactly what it is, "an act". They are constantly searching for something that does not exist. Take comfort in knowing that this cycle never ends for them because it is their make up. The best N revenge is NC, being happy and getting to a point where he means nothing to you. Don't let the happy act fool you! It is true what they say, treat others how you want to be treated because karma is a bitch and he will get his in the end. You may not see it but trust me they always do!!!!!

#31 Nov 8 - 1AM (Reply to #6)

Sea

Lana, that narcky got

Lana, that narcky got scotfree after doing damage on me. I went NC to protect myself. It feel unjust to see he could run out of this thing with zero damage. I know all these will pass....

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