is it possible to loose the attraction to N

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#1 Sep 11 - 3AM

Anonymous (not verified)

is it possible to loose the attraction to N

I think that I have.
as some of you know...N was involved in a project with me...well that is finally going to start soon. I have been distant.. but civil to be able to finally get this done and over with ...he does not affect me any more.

what I have realized though is that I am not really attracted to him any longer. I saw him standing next to a younger guy and thought what the heck did you ever see in N.
He tried to be schmoozy with me and it did not work..even a tad flirty it did nothing... tired to make me laugh...and he couldnt.

what I think happened is when N distanced himself and created all his stupid rules... I grew tired of it... and in away moved on...then when I finally did this and could careless if we talked. i gained some healing there as well.

I think somehow deep down I must have moved on.from the physical attraction.

I also realize now I dont think it is N i miss...it is having someone at the level he used to be(before he morphed into what he is now)
things were once good with N and I...but once he changed the rules... I think I lost the physical attraction to him

also oddly I am not even sure I was ever physically attracted to him- it was what we had when prior to him dictating when we talked etc.

that is what I do miss though... what he was before... which I know was just fake. I miss that closeness I thought that we had.

So, I guess this is all part of healing...realizing I am no longer physically attracted to him.
in a strange way I thank him although will never tell him for changing.
his late nite calls have been replaced with calls to a girl friend of mine.... the day time chats are replaced with chats with other friends. I no longer look for emails that wont be sent etc.

I dont think he realizes any of this of course. that by him distancing... I lost intrest...is that even possible??

Oh and most of all I grew tired of being the OW of him lying about even something as simple as our friendship...

if anyone has any insight on the above..would be glad to hear it.

#2 Sep 12 - 8AM

Je Suis

Don't know if I really was attracted-- how did this happen?

Interesting. When I first met this guy I thought he was a freak. Didn't find him attractive at all-- very odd looking, flamboyant, and dressed like a fourteen year old boy. He was arrogant. Would lean back in his chair with his hands on his chest or behind his head, like he was so "all that." I really don't know how I became physical with him, as I found it utterly repulsive at times. He was just freakish! Talking baby talk one minute, raging about the people in his life that had taken advantage of him the next. Rude to waitresses, freakishly obsessed with children, though he has none of his own. I was attracted to the idea of being needed and wanted and loved and cared for, and though I never totally bought the outrageous complements he spewed from time to time, I thought, maybe, just maybe someone really does love me. So I overlooked the freak show, and for awhile it was interesting and amusing. For the last year of this four year nightmare, I was reading everything I could find about narcissism and sociopathy. I would get ready to break it off, then I would give him the benefit of the doubt. But slowly, my doubts about him turned to complete repulsion. The last time he D & D'd me, I simply walked away. I answered his phone calls and emails for awhile with brief, unemotional responses, then went NC. My struggle isn't letting go of him-- that's easy, as he's attrocious! It is forgiving myself for choosing this person, and learning how to never succomb again. Thank you all so much-- this forum is helping me so much!

#3 Sep 12 - 9AM (Reply to #10)

destiny (not verified)

Je suis (like that name by

Je suis (like that name by the way) that is similar to how it started with me too... he is nothing to look at... but he spews complements and it was a time in my life that I was really going thru something very stressful.... and he was there for me(which is a tad odd for a N- because I would think at some point he would have slipped up_- but he didnt. and I forgive myself and know it was during a very vulnerable time for me... but at the same time he did provide me with what I needed and helped me thru that period in my life. even his back up girl thinks that he is so great..... it is because he can be very nasty- but he also can be caring (or pretend to be) I do think he is more of a borderline...but not sure. Either way I have learned not to feed into him.. that is the key for me- he expects me to react and I give him nothing. I'm sure he may be puzzled by this... I dunno. I just dont play the game with him. He has tried already to dictate when we talk about the project...and I just go with it... why feed into him... I have no choice but to work on me- I have a lot of weight to gain back etc. I sound strong and i feel that in a way that I am- but I do have my moments still- where I do miss all of those compliments etc.... and i know that is a piece of me I need to work on most.

#4 Sep 12 - 12PM (Reply to #11)

Je Suis

So Strong, Destiny!

That is it exactly-- thanks for putting it that way-- "learned not to feed him." It's empowering as you are detaching emotionally, for sure. I agree about the compliments, yeah it's nice, but it started to feel humiliating, because I felt like he either wanted something when he did it, or was laughing at me. Your strength is evident, and you are doing the work, which is awesome and inspiring! Thanks!

#5 Sep 11 - 6PM

Susan32

Heck yes!

When I first met the ex-Psych prof, he was physically attractive. His presence turned me on. He was slender, tanned, he'd roll up his sleeves&bare his arms-the one time he bared his chest, I was electrified. The one turn-off back then were his decaying teeth. Fast forward 4 years later, to the final D&D. His teeth are still in massive decay. He now has a beer belly. And a double chin. He expected me to leap into bed with him when he was physically undesirable. REALLY. He expected sympathy sex, and that I'd lower myself to bed him. He wanted to be able to brag, "She was so desperate she had sex with paunchy, rotting-teethed me." It was magical thinking on the ex-P's part. He thought that since Sofia Tolstoy would still have sex with Leo despite his slovenly habits, that I'd do the same with him, or that Pierre still has sex with Natasha in "War and Peace",tho she lets herself go&paunches out. I assumed the ex-P was a somatic Narc who'd work out for his new supply. He DIDN'T. He let himself go. "The thrill is gone" as a famous blues singer once sang.

#6 Sep 11 - 9PM (Reply to #6)

enpsychopedia r... (not verified)

Totally get the

Totally get the electrification. The first time I saw a photo of my narc I darned near had a heart attack. Just freaking gorgeous. Unfortunately he still is and his teeth aren't rotten. But am I attracted to him. Nope. I am so repulsed by his personality that the thrill IS totally gone. The professor is the embodiment of decay, quite rotten to the core. It's like his teeth were an early warning sign.

#7 Sep 11 - 9PM (Reply to #8)

Susan32

Decay Incarnate

The ex-Psych prof idolized Leo Tolstoy, who let his tooth decay in solidarity with the peasants(???) In "Anna Karenina",the philosopher/farmer Constantine Levin contemplates his decaying teeth&gray hairs before he marries Princess Kitty (who's young enough to be his daughter)... since Leo's wife, Sofia, was 16 years his junior. She was 18 and he was 34 when they wed. The ex-P's teeth were so bad I didn't stick my tongue in there. He would've had to go on a date... WITH MY DENTIST! Who's a hot Korean man. What tripped me off is that I ASSUMED the ex-P would make himself look good for his new supply. I assumed he didn't have a serious girlfriend because he certainly packed on the pounds with me. But no. He was quite fat, still had decayed teeth when his girlfriend moved in with him (and not long after, married him) He'd tell me about a play of Leo Tolstoy's titled "The Useless Husband, or the Living Corpse." "The Living Corpse" was released posthumously. Sofia Tolstoy first read it on the wedding anniversary after Leo's death. Morbid reading in remembrance of the wedding. He'd call himself a decaying old man. He was only 32 at the time. It's like he had the premature aging of progeria, except he had done it to himself.

#8 Sep 11 - 9PM (Reply to #7)

Susan32

Decay Incarnate

#9 Sep 11 - 2PM

MandyM

In photos, I've noticed that

In photos, I've noticed that my ex is starting to look a little puffier, especially in the face, and not as young and "hot" as he used to. And I've also noticed that his new floozy looks MUCH older and less attractive than she did when she got together with him a few months ago. Hmmmm. Why might that be? :-) (I know it's wrong of me to take pleasure in that, but I don't like her, and it makes me feel better to see signs that she might be going through what *I* went through).

#10 Sep 11 - 8AM

faithinthefuture

Destiny

At 18 months NC I can honestly say I find NOTHING about him attractive. I haven't seen him since I kicked him out but I admit every once in a very great while I will look at picture of the two of us a friend has on FB(& I was told the N put it on his FB after he left. 6 months later) but when I look at the pic I actually cringe. He sooo disgusts me. I miss the compaionship. Someone to share my day with and do things with. But not him.

#11 Sep 11 - 6AM

uk lady

Absolutely

Hi Destiny I definitely think so. I now view mine along the lines of Dorien Gray (the picture in the attic version). He must be the ultimate psycho and he sold his soul to the devil too - even though he is fictious, I feel that we can all associate with this theme. I think it is well documented that Oscar Wilde was a tortured soul - bless him. LOL. It is such a great sign in the healing process to have reached this stage so congratulations to you, it can only get better. Dee x

#12 Sep 11 - 4AM

Anabelle

Yes it is. I've lost

Yes it is. I've lost attraction to my exexN. I think it happened, because 1. I went trough an even more horrible experience with exN, so... I think he seems to be such a pity ass compare to him - I saw him trough my wounded perspective, where my objective was to protect myself. So it made me very sharp... 2. I saw him once - full in pain after my exN so ZERO interest-playing around with an other girl, while he was making his pathetic moves on me... and I just got sick of him Suddenly his games were just sad and transparent 3.He talked about his wife as my ex talks about me... and I think that was the final kick... You need to have emotional distance. Once you have it, it's done. It's liberating. You suddenly see him. ANd you see he is nothing special. Not even handsome. Just a jerk. I think the emotional indifference is the key. When I was about to quit my exN, sometimes I didn't see him attractive. I saw him ugly and sneaky... when he made me high, I saw him wonderful and handsome. So I opt for this emotional neutrality... I try... not easy.

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