is it possible to fall in love with someone new while still obsessed with the N?

Like someone else pointed out that we all have different situations and not one answer will fit for everyone. But when my ex broke my heart 16 yrs ago, I rebounded quickly to someone else. I didnt look back. I didnt contact him. I held a place for him in my heart unfortunatley but that is another story. I have always been able to get over one person by sending my energy and attention to someone or something else. But I think that is just how I personally function. I can tell you that now I am married and definitely in love with my husband. But I am completely obsessed with my ex. When my ex is giving me the silent treatment and treating me poorly I am so thankful that I have a wonderful stable husband that would move the moon for me. I think sitting at home mourning the loss of your N is exactly where they want you. I would recommend going out with girlfriends and finding things that interest you and exploring those avenues. I personally would not try and date strangers at this point. But going out and meeting people in the environments that you enjoy can be really FUN!!!

I gave myself no time after 3rd breakup to start dating. Found some really nice guys who I dated but nothing romantic and then a few guys who wanted to get romantic but I was not into them at all. I used it as a way to get out and enjoy life without the pressure of a relationship. It got me through last summer and fall and then got sucked back into exN for a few months and met another man where there was instant chemistry, had great time and guess what??? he was a Narc!!! Saw the signs on our 3rd date and gave him another chance and WOW he was even worse than my last one holy crap!! I dropped him like a hot potato! You will know when you are ready. I had a date with a really nice guy on Saturday and it is definitely different but I am taking it very very slow, he is a cousin of one of my girlfriends so I know he isn't a N/P. I say its okay to go out and have some fun, have someone treat you nice and see where it goes. I dropped a lot of baggage/talk on some of the guys and actually one was very helpful because he said he used to be the same way (I didn't know he was N/P at the time) but he realized to find love he needed to change. He wasnt a narc apparently..although he still contacts me every now and then so who knows!! Take time for yourself, do things to make YOU happy and when you are in a good place you will bring that to the other people in your life.

Dating after the psychopath is a slow and frustrating process. You absolutely cannot jump into another relationship like the one you just had (directly after an experience with a psychopath is when you're most vulnerable to another one), but you also can't close yourself off from the world of love forever. When you meet men, you need to be completely honest about where you are emotionally. This way, no one is caught off guard if you have a bad day or a trigger or something. However, if you're looking for a date to get your mind off the psychopath, it may be doing more damage than good. "Rebounds" after a psychopath are much worse than a regular relationship -- you'll find yourself getting sad and angry that the guy isn't as "perfect" as the ex, or doesn't flatter you as much, or the sex isn't as good, or whatever. You're still coming down from a huge high, and no man is going to give that back to you except another psychopath. Because of that, I recommend you spend some time figuring out what it is that you love about YOU. Not men. Find new ways to relax and learn to enjoy time on your own. Do you like writing? Starting a book can be a fantastic distraction. There are also tons of online communities of people to keep you company that are UNRELATED to psychopaths (you need a break sometimes from this stuff, it's consuming!). Here are a few that jump to my mind: - Writing - Politics - Personalities - Computers - Families - Music - News - Outdoors And many, many more! Find some healthy, good distractions for yourself :) Learning about my personality type (MBTI) was one of the most fascinating/fun experiences I've had in a long time. Might interest you? Either way, eat well, sleep lots, and remember to go easy on yourself! I don't think dating is necessarily a bad idea, but be prepared to compare everything he does to the psychopath's idealize phase. It will never seem good enough. The great thing is, once you get through this healing (might take a long time!), you will come out as such a desirable and fantastic mate. You will be your own person, with more insight in yourself than most people get in a lifetime. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but I promise, as someone who considered suicide, I'm now SO grateful for the experience. I've never been more confident, compassionate, and proud. Hang in there!!!

Dating now will mess up your recovery. I am 99% certain of this. IMO you need to heal without a man to act as a band aide. No good comes from it except temporary relief and at the end of the day, whether alone or not, your wounds are still there and will not magically disappear. Aside from very casual distraction, you are not ready to be in healthy relationship, you are still reeling from your ex, still obsessed with him and still in pain. If he IS a healthy man, it will not work out and more than likely at this point, your neediness will only attract another 'user', so you will end up back to this place again even more discouraged and hurt. You need to deal with these demons and exercise them out of your system by making YOU right, on your own first with support from us and friends/family. Being on your own isn't a bad thing and it is definitely better than dealing with another emotionally unavailable man - especially if you really like him. (hugs)

There are a lot of mixed opinions about this... I know I don't need a man to complete me, but I think maybe dating would be helpful. Just to have a drink, get done up and have some enjoyable time. Basically because maybe seeing other interesting, normal, healthy men with life prospects could help see and compare with the N and realise what really was going on. As in, realise that wasn't the way a man treats a woman.

I would not advise anyone to do that, during one of my breaks from the narc (d&d) I met a wonderful guy and we really clicked he wanted things to go further, and I started contacting the narc again, and I hurt that guy so bad. We are still friends even tho he reminds me when ever we talk that I hurt him. He has moved on and married and he is not a narc he told me once that he would not do anything to hurt his wife. I knew at that moment that I had f*^%$# up a good man for a narc. And what happened to me well I am here so that tells it all. SO NO DO NOT GET INVOLVED WITH ANOTHER PERSON UNTIL YOU ARE OVER THE NARC. It is ok to be alone. I know I get lonely sometimes but alone is better than hurting any day.

I know this isn't the recommended thing to do (and understandably so) but I feel that since we're all individuals there's no blanket answer that's perfect for everyone. In my case if I hadn't dated I wouldn't have gotten out and stayed out. It kept me busy and kept the N away from me. A few months out I met a wonderful guy and we were married last June after dating/living together for 4 years. He went into the relationship fully understanding what I'd gone through and has even helped me process it. I think that the feeling of real love in a healthy relationship is a different feeling than the obsession with the N so it's possible to have both feelings for two different people at the same time. I totally get that it's best to heal first, (and I don't dispute that) but sometimes when dealing with an N, you gotta do what you gotta do. XOXO

I haven't needed to do much in the way toward dating yet (the prospect actually scares me!), Happily with an extended family close by, working out at the gym, socializing with regulars and having a boarder in the house (for the time being at least), add in a couple of cats, a computer and the internet, and I not doing too bad all things considering. I've got a pretty tight budget right now, but I'm thinking when I can, I'm going to join a local social group for people in my age bracket. Doing so will also give me the opportunity for dancing, dinners, trips especially for meeting new people including men. I do need to hone my dating skills and do it in a safe environment. I think when I do I'm just gonna play it by ear for a while without expecting or looking to hook up with anybody seriously. No need to immediately find someone just to attach and prevent feeling lonely. Better to take your time and do it right, than rush into a making a serious mistake you wouldn't do otherwise. Maybe we sometimes put too many expectations on ourselves too soon before we are truly ready?

I haven't needed to do much in the way toward dating yet (the prospect actually scares me!), Happily with an extended family close by, working out at the gym, socializing with regulars and having a boarder in the house (for the time being at least), add in a couple of cats, a computer and the internet, and I not doing too bad all things considering. I've got a pretty tight budget right now, but I'm thinking when I can, I'm going to join a local social group for people in my age bracket. Doing so will also give me the opportunity for dancing, dinners, trips especially for meeting new people including men. I do need to hone my dating skills and do it in a safe environment. I think when I do I'm just gonna play it by ear for a while without expecting or looking to hook up with anybody seriously. No need to immediately find someone just to attach and prevent feeling lonely. Better to take your time and do it right, than rush into a making a serious mistake you wouldn't do otherwise. Maybe we sometimes put too many expectations on ourselves too soon before we are truly ready

But can't seem to follow through. There are two guys I have been considering dating, but I am such an emotional wreck right now and I know its not fair to either of them. I would probably go out with them, things would start off good and then a) I'd start crying for some reason b) I'd chase them away with all the baggage I would probably dump on them or C) I'd talk non stop about the ex and all the rotten things he did to me. So let's see... My body says GO for it girl!.. My mind says" are you freakin' kidding me?". My thought is that its probably best not to subject someone to your issues while you are obsessing over the ex and of course you need to take time to heal. No matter how badly I want to start dating right now. I think I'd better wait. You can't deny attraction but maybe just avoid the temptation while you recover. Take Care Monique

You need understand yourself first! Are you in therapy? Are you reading? How will you better yourself? A man won't complete you. Hunter

Since I didn't get romantically/sexually involved with the ex-Psych prof, I used dating as a form of survival. I still believe that if I had NOT dated during my junior year... I would've been far more vulnerable. He would've seen me as "needy" and "lonely" and desperate enough to date&have sex with him. I would've fallen into his trap far more easily. I used dating as a way to get away from him, or as he put the situation "You don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life."

it is not fair to any new guy to even try dating when you are still obsessed with the narc, THAT is not the answer and puts off recovery, it took me over 2 years to move on and others say at least one year to 18 months to recover, any new guy will sense you are not ready and will move on. If you want a date, my suggestion is make one with a good therapist who is well versed with personality disorders and will help you recover to go on and find a decent man who is not a narcissist, it is a recovery process which takes time and involves, your reading and understanding a much as you can about the disorder.

My advice would be to take this time to heal, before dating. You have to get over your ex N before dating. It's not fair to you or future men, to go into a new relationship not yet healed. And besides. There's more to life than being with a man. You will find love again. Don't force it. Don't date someone to get over your ex, either. You have to do this in your own time. It sucks, I know...but, as you wait through the pain...you will heal. Please believe that. I promise, stay NC and do the hard work...and you'll get there. :=)