Insight's story

This morning I sent an email to my husband telling him that I have decided not to see him or talk to him because that is the only way to get out of this cycle of pain-relief-hope-pain-relief-hope thing that I am learning is called abuse.

I do not have a counselor, have lost contact with my friends and doubt myself to the point of apologizing on the elevator for holding people up if I need to exit on a floor other than theirs. I feel like I must look like I am decaying, and am stunned to find in the mirror someone who is not actually rotting, but just looks traumatized.

Why is it so hard to admit? How can this kind, gentle, innocent acting man be so callous? Well, he is. The one thing he has never been able to fake is empathy. He says "Hey, baby" when he calls and wants to get along. He says "I can't stand to be around you" and abandons me when he doesn't get his way.

When I become happy or excited about something other than him, he sulks and I am shot down mid-flight. I am literally trembling today because of fear of going against his will. He has been nice for 2 days now, after raging against me at 8 am one morning, calling me crazy and blaming me for everything. I was calm that time- did not participate in the escalation. This seemed to infuriate him more.

If it were not for these websites, I would not take steps to get out. This feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. I desperately need my "good" husband to comfort me and am so sad to see that he probably never existed.

I started back to school today and was shaking and very unsure of myself every step of the way. It is difficult to find the energy to take a shower, leave the house, wash a dish, walk the dogs...

This is probably the hardest part(I hope)- the standing my ground part. I guess the good news is that I did not call him today. I did not give in to his momentary kindness.

I am actually afraid of him now. Thank God for primitive reflexes. Otherwise, I would probably end up dead with him claiming I killed myself as he sopped up the sympathy from the masses.

Chloe's picture

First and foremost, you are NOT crazy! That's the common thread here, pathological narcissists (all of them) call their Narcissistic Supply "Crazy," that's what keeps the fuel burning, and victims of these vampires are so depleted of their worth, that they begin to question themselves, even after intellectually knowing the truth, because emotionally they have been beaten up and beaten up again. Frightened of HIM????? My dear friend, deep down he is very frightened of you; in fear that he will/could lose his grip (N.S.), he is in fear of you finding him out, and he is so envious of what you have that he doesn't have---that is why he "sulks" when you are excited about something---it's all about HIM! STAND YOUR GROUND! It does get easier, and once you vow to yourself your own worth and not look back---that's when the catepillar turns into the butterfly.