This morning I sent an email to my husband telling him that I have decided not to see him or talk to him because that is the only way to get out of this cycle of pain-relief-hope-pain-relief-hope thing that I am learning is called abuse.
I do not have a counselor, have lost contact with my friends and doubt myself to the point of apologizing on the elevator for holding people up if I need to exit on a floor other than theirs. I feel like I must look like I am decaying, and am stunned to find in the mirror someone who is not actually rotting, but just looks traumatized.
Why is it so hard to admit? How can this kind, gentle, innocent acting man be so callous? Well, he is. The one thing he has never been able to fake is empathy. He says "Hey, baby" when he calls and wants to get along. He says "I can't stand to be around you" and abandons me when he doesn't get his way.
When I become happy or excited about something other than him, he sulks and I am shot down mid-flight. I am literally trembling today because of fear of going against his will. He has been nice for 2 days now, after raging against me at 8 am one morning, calling me crazy and blaming me for everything. I was calm that time- did not participate in the escalation. This seemed to infuriate him more.
If it were not for these websites, I would not take steps to get out. This feels like the hardest thing I've ever done. I desperately need my "good" husband to comfort me and am so sad to see that he probably never existed.
I started back to school today and was shaking and very unsure of myself every step of the way. It is difficult to find the energy to take a shower, leave the house, wash a dish, walk the dogs...
This is probably the hardest part(I hope)- the standing my ground part. I guess the good news is that I did not call him today. I did not give in to his momentary kindness.
I am actually afraid of him now. Thank God for primitive reflexes. Otherwise, I would probably end up dead with him claiming I killed myself as he sopped up the sympathy from the masses.