inrecoverynow's story

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#1 Jan 27 - 11PM
inrecoverynow
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inrecoverynow's story

I had my story posted in here under a different name, but I'll do an udpate, because if all goes well, I'll be divorced from an NPD tomorrow, 1/28/10. I didn't know he was narcissist for most of those years. I just knew something was very wrong in our relationship and our family, but I couldn't quite figure out WHAT IT WAS. Then, I heard about Lisa Scott's book on the Oprah Channel, starting reading this site, bought some books and read more, and finally understood.

He is brilliant and creative and what is apparently a "low-functioning NPD." He has never been able to keep his jobs (teaching) for long because he ALWAYS makes his administrator mad because he does his own thing, and probably makes it clear to them that he's smarter and his ideas are better. He was a porn addict, really sick, nasty porn. When he discovered the Internet, he was in hog heaven with all that free porn. He lied to me about everything under the sun. When caught red-handed, HE WOULD CONTINUE TO LIE!

He would never apologize or admit he was wrong (maybe once or twice in all those years). He had a quick temper and a wicked tongue, but was never physically abusive. Just emotionally and occasionally verbally. Yet, he would tell ME I was abusive to him and our kids. I am now in my mid-50s and I feel old, depressed, and used up.

I don't know if I will ever be happy again. I am in therapy, but I don't think my counselor really understands the disorder very well and how devastating it has been to be with this man for 25 years. BTW, he hurried me into marrying him. Had I waited a little longer, and discovered the deceit, I would NOT have married him. I detest lying above almost anything. I am still very angry at his betrayal and inability to see that he did anything wrong.

And yet, the rescuer part of me STILL feels sorry for how lonely he is since I left him. He texts me and it's always about how sick he has been and about how terrible it is that I'm divorcing him, etc. I'm very, very lonely and dealing with severe depression. But, at least I'm trying to take my life back.

Oh, I developed chronic headaches, eczema/ psoriasis during all those years, too. The latter are auto-immune disorders exacerbated by stress.

Those of you who hook up with these people, when you identify what they are, RUN THE OTHER WAY. Don't try to escape years later like I am, with years of damage already done to you and your children.

Feb 21 - 12AM
inrecoverynow
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disppeared during labor

Here's an interesting thing that came up when I followed a blogspot about a sociopath who was always "disappearing." When I was in labor with our daughter, my former narc tried to act like he was tuned in with the whole thing, but I sensed he really wasn't. He left to do an ERRAND and returned about three hours later. The nurse sat and held my hand during the long, hard labor, while he was off doing Lord-knows-what. To this day (23 years later) I don't know where he was while I was having his child. He did make it back before she was born, but you'd think I would have realized something was very, very wrong. Pathetic? Oh yeah.
Feb 21 - 12AM
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

doesn't matter

whether it's a few drops of poison or a lot - both still kill you Re: Kernberg -- http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/2007/01/malignance-of-npd.html ~~~~~~~~~ The world is a dangerous place, not only because of those who do evil, but because of those who look on and do nothing. - Albert Einstein Visit My Info. Website for Abuse Victims
Feb 21 - 12AM
inrecoverynow
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Now been divorced awhile

Once the divorce was final, I became a non-person to the narc. He won't even acknowledge that I'm alive or someone he once cared about. Won't answer texts or emails about business, won't give me money he owes me (court mandated even), and has made it clear that he has no use for me now. No empathy that I, too, have been in pain and lonely. Only HIS pain and loneliness mattered - to him. I'm sure he is actively looking for a new victim - to validate and adore him - and take care of everything while he pursues his loftier goals and spouts his views on various discussion boards. He thinks he is the smartest person on the planet, or close to it. He STILL manages to make me doubt myself though. I became such a doormat and non-entity in those years in his shadow. God help us all in this predicament.
Jan 27 - 11PM
Barbara (not verified)
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inrecoverynow

He doesn't sound "low level" I don't even know where you got that idea, but he sounds pretty much like a FULL BLOWN SEXUAL NARCISSIST to me.
Feb 20 - 11PM (Reply to #7)
inrecoverynow
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What low level means

I've been reading some books and there are high level and low level narcississts. The really successful ones are high level (actors, famous people, etc.). Low levels have a lot of delusions of grandeur but never quite make it to the top because they don't function well enough. Yes, he was defitely a porn addict and serious sexual issues. I found him on swinging singles sites, bisexual sites, you name it, he was there. But I was supposed to believe that he didn't really pursue it, but dabbled. Oh, and accept his bisexuality, too, even though he was MARRIED to me.
Feb 2 - 7PM (Reply to #2)
clara330
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I feel for you...I am 59

I feel for you...I am 59 years old and I have to start ALL OVER, too. No place to live, no job...thankfully my children are grown, but I have a large dog and no apt will take large dogs. I feel like such a total loser. I am living with my 80+ year old parents...I am grateful they took us in....but who wants to go live with their parents when one is 59 years old? I guess none of us could really see what was happening until it was too late. We join our life together with the other person we love to give of ourselves and build a life with this person in absolute GOOD FAITH!!! I never knew this kind of thing existed....in all my years. I guess, up to now, I had been very lucky. Don't feel so lucky now, though! I don't think of him all that often...I don't miss him at all. What I CANNOT get out of my head is the deception and cruelty of how I was treated...completely undeserved with no acknowledgement of wrong-doing and no apologies. This is what drives me CRAZY!!! The coldness...he just walked away..no looking back...nothing! Kind of like he was saying: "---- YOU!" All we can do (and I am saying this as much to myself as to everyone else out there) is get up everyday, breath in and out and make it through just one more day. And pray for God to take away the pain!
Feb 21 - 7PM (Reply to #6)
lisarudi
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Clara, wait for it..........

My heart breaks for you. We are all here because of the pain inflicted by another. This site is truly brimming with support and genuine concern. Strength for the day is all I ask each morning, and look---It's 8:00 p.m. and I've almost made it. I do believe that God knows everyone's heart, even the rotten ones. While not a satisfactory feeling of justice here on this earth, be confident that he will be judged one day for the man he was/is.
Feb 20 - 11PM (Reply to #5)
inrecoverynow
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Wishing you a better future and commiserating

Wow, sounds like you're going through a lot, also. I haven't been on the site for a little while and just now read your posting. Yeah, you know that feeling of being "used up," too. Interestingly, I asked my ex for forgiveness for the part I played in our marriage failing, and he didn't give it, didn't acknowledge it, and never apologized or even admitted any wrongdoing on his part. Now he has made it clear that I'm dead to him. He won't answer texts or emails, won't give me the money he was supposed to, and I'm sure tells everyone that HE is the injured party and a victim in the divorce. I'm working on forgiving HIM, even though he doesn't ask for it, to set myself free. I do still think about him because I still have this twisted need for his attention and approval. Sick, huh? I'm in therapy for my issues with co-dependency. I hope you find a place to rent. I found a rental house that accepted two dogs and a cat, thank God. We're sharing custody of the dogs, so they go back and forth, but I may end that. The dogs were what kept me sane for months and months. I wish you the best in the healing and starting over. Find yourself a support group. I'm in a Starting Over Workshop through a local church. It helps. I'm trying to believe I still have a future, but it's hard right now. Good luck to you.
Feb 3 - 5AM (Reply to #3)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

Toss You Away

Yep. Otto F. Kernberg, M.D., the psychiatrist who first defined 'malignant narcissism,' stated after the narcissist finishes with a person, the person is tossed aside as a lemon half after the juice has been squeezed out. Well, that says it all.
Feb 5 - 10AM (Reply to #4)
rache
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lemon

One can only hope we left a sour taste in their mouths!LOL