Imprisoned

Somewhere on the internet I read a blog allegedly written by a 'psychopath.' The psychopath felt very superior to the 'narcissist.' According to this blog, the psychopath lies in wait calmly plotting the end game--then springs the trap, takes all & vanishes. According to this blog, the narcissist is inferior because everything is obtained by intimidation, tantrums, bullying & drama at every turn. I guess for the psychopath, the narcissist is not refined & calculating. Mine was definitely a narcissist--every 7-10 days an abusive episode of high drama lasting 3 days. I believe there was a subplot worthy of a psychopath--systematic extraction of my money. To this day I wonder if mine really was a psychopath. But then I do not think these categories are truly understood. And, there is a movement to eliminate NPD & incorporate the whole concept into psychopath. Not that this matters. I suppose for me leaving was easier because, during my marriage, I had very little happiness. The D&D started almost immediately after the marriage. After 2 1/2 years I left & being out of there was such a relief because my day-to-day life was traumatic (totally out of control & buffeted by N's moods). But you, on the other hand, seemed to have a rather contented marriage. I can only imagine how deceived & used you feel. It must be horrible. I doubt that anybody can give you much advice. Dr. Robert Hare, in Canada, is one of the foremost specialists on psychopaths in the world. Even he gets conned by psychopaths in the prisons upon whom he conducts his resesarch. Maybe Dr. Hare can give you a reference of a good psychologist or psychiatrist in your area who actually knows something about the effects of psychopathy on the victim. Because, frankly, I do not believe many people can understand what living in a pathological relationship really means. My N was so good at the game that his next woman was a psychiatrist. Fooled her. Some of these evil creatures are really good con-artists. Sounds like your's is a highly successful psychopath.

Yes, their fantasy world continues, and our reality is to believe what they tell us. It's so disgusting. My ex put up the marriage charade until the end. The lie was 'we're getting married'. He had all the props...he proposed, we were living apart at the time, so he'd send me pictures of rings I might like, talk about the honeymoon, ask me what I wanted to wear...oh ya, he had me ROPED in alright. The whole time, he had no intention of actually getting married, just me going along with his f*cked up fantasy, dragging me into his world of deceit... The really crazy thing is, I really didn't want to get married again, but he lead me down the primrose path...trust him, trust him...AAARRRRGGGHHHH! Even when he was trying to lure me again, he'd talk about what a fabulous life we 'could' have...the trips, the fun, etc...only this time, I understood that it was all a big fake.

A common bully tactic. It goes right along with changing the subject and making accusations. As long as he can somehow make you believe that it was all your fault, he's off the hook and you're either left wondering what just hit you or you're falling over yourself (and him) to make it up to him. If you go for the latter option, there is a good chance that he will milk it for all it's worth. It's not always your fault though. It could be his boss, the clerk at the grocery store, the bank teller, the guy who cut him off on the freeway, a lack of sleep, a worrying situation … anyone or anything at all as long as it's not him. Blame shifting is not always obvious because it is not always directly linked to the situation at hand. For example, you complain that he's been touchy and short with you for over a week. A direct blame shift would be to say something like, "that's because you didn't fetch my suit from the cleaners last Tuesday". You were the cause and you're getting the consequence. It's an inappropriately extended punishment, but at least there's a straight line relationship between the two things. With an oblique response, he could have said something like, "well, I blew my job interview on Wednesday." Now you are meant to take up the delightful task of extricating from him exactly why he believes he blew the interview, which at the end of a two hour session will come down to the fact that he felt uncomfortable because he could not wear his favourite suit …. Because you never fetched it from the cleaners." If subtlety is his strength and he knows that it works on you, he would have stopped at the point of not being able to wear his favourite suit and left you to come to your own guilty conclusion as to whose fault that was. A different type of indirect relationship between cause and effect is that he tells you he's been nasty to you because his lucky pen was stolen a week ago. It has nothing at all to do with you, but it shifts blame away from him. Now the cause of your misery is no longer him, it is the unknown person who stole his pen. Either way he wins. If nobody in the situation is to blame, then there is no way to resolve the problem. If you are to blame, then you must fix it. As for him, he is just an innocent victim and utterly blameless, therefore unable to do anything at all to find a solution, but totally justified in being a sod. http://www.cosmicwalk.co.za/games-blaming.html ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller

All that time I was doing everything I could to prove to him that I was not cheating yup - they hope to keep you so busy doing that you won't notice what THEY are up to!!! ~~~~~~~~~ Moving Forward: Coaching for Victims Pathologicals Feelings buried alive never die. - Alice Miller