Importance of Boundaries with Narcissists
Importance of Boundaries with Narcissists
by Susan J. Elliott, J.D., M.Ed.
GETTING PAST YOUR PAST
Boundaries are a good litmus test of who can stay and who must go. Those who do not respect them, must go. Sometimes we can retrain those in our lives that we’ve grown a backbone and will not back down, other times they are boundary crashers extraordinaire or relentless manipulators and there is NO HOPE for the relationship. But the only way to find out is to draw a boundary and stick with it.
As I’ve said here before, my experience as someone who has developed boundaries (sometimes ironclad boundaries, much to the chagrin of others who would prefer I didn’t have any or that there was a hole in my boundaries) and who has been teaching boundary setting to clients and students for MANY years, know that there is probably no way to say TOO MUCH about boundaries: developing them and keeping them. Boundaries simply say, “I begin and end one place and you begin and end another place.â€
In other words, we know who owns what and who is responsible for what. We’re not enmeshed and/or taking on each other’s “stuff.â€
We stop making excuses for people and stop rescuing them. We also take responsibility for our own stuff and stop waiting for someone else to help us out of our predicaments.
Too often we have trouble setting boundaries because we think that people won’t think we’re “nice.†Too often we think, “Well if you love someone you do this for them….â€
True love, real love, healthy love NEVER EVER EVER requires that you give up chunks of your soul that you really don’t want to give and don’t have to give. NEVER EVER.
We need to understand that it is more important to be healthy than to be popular.
Our own mental health MUST be more important than someone being angry at us because we said “NO†or we made them do it themselves.
We have to sit with the discomfort of setting boundaries and after a while, it will get easier. We have to learn that no is a one word sentence. "I’m leaving" is a two word sentence. Stop explaining and trying to smooth things over. Once you start setting boundaries without having to lecture on them, people will stop nagging you to explain yourself every 5 minutes. Cultivate the mindset, even if you don’t say it out loud, “Because I am.†“Because I said so.†“Because that’s the way it is. PERIOD.†“It is what it is.†To this day I STILL do the rude inner dialogue that I need to do in order to do the healthy outer dialogue. Inside I am saying, “Too bad if you don’t like it, this is how it is….†when outwardly I’m being polite yet firm, “I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that.â€
If you’ve been afraid that people won’t like you if you set a boundary, you may have become the victim of a lot of people who have NO sense of boundaries.
Usually people with weak boundaries become targets of boundary crashers (Narcs & Psychopaths)… those who would sail over your boundaries even if you had them.
You have to know that there are a lot of people who can and will take advantage of weak boundaries. Having strong boundaries will let these people know to look elsewhere.
Having strong boundaries does not make you mean or bad or any other label that people will put on you if they resent your boundaries. Having strong boundaries makes you attractive to healthy people who like knowing where you stand. Having strong boundaries will weed out unhealthy people AND unhealthy people will STOP messing with you. (and won’t that be lovely? Believe me, it is.)
The people who LIKE people with no boundaries are NOT the people worth knowing. AT ALL.
Setting boundaries feels tough and weird in the beginning and you feel afraid about someone not liking you or thinking you mean or selfish or horrible, but after a while you realize that the tradeoff is peace of mind.
Boundaries are for nice people too. It’s not a matter of becoming a terrible person or a difficult person.
BOUNDARIES recognize that you end one place and I end somewhere else. All good boundaries do that.
It’s not a matter of not being a nice person any more. It’s just a matter of getting “tough enough†so that people aren’t walking on you, so that you’re not suppressing your true feelings and so that you’re not “playing nice†just for a chance to play.
It’s a matter of not winding up seething with resentment or anger that you can’t express. If anyone deserves boundaries, it’s the nice people of the world.
Remember, you cannot (CANNOT CANNOT CANNOT) draw a boundary AND take care of someone else’s feelings. You simply cannot. Having boundaries says, “My needs are important. I need you to listen to me about this.â€
If you’ve been BOUNDARY-LESS for a while, putting new boundaries into place is going to be met with some resistance and some feedback. People might get angry, people might tell you that you are being MEAN. Be prepared for it but keep doing it. The BEAUTIFUL thing about boundaries is that after a while, people know you have them and they don’t even go there. Give a damn, for once, that YOU are being nice to you… that YOU don’t think you’re being mean to you… rather than caring about what everyone else wants or needs.
If you don’t want to do certain things, don’t do them. Learn to say no or not now or not this year.
If you need to stop caring about what others think of you by not doing this or doing that, do it or don’t do it.
Remember to take care of you. And the very best way to be good to you is to develop boundaries!!!
BE GOOD TO YOU!
I'm bookmarking this one.
Importance of Boundaries with Narcissists
thanks for this
Barbara, am curious...
nope - it's the NHS 'way'
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