I'm a wreck (major setback to my recovery) - help me please

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#1 Nov 25 - 5PM

a65703

I'm a wreck (major setback to my recovery) - help me please

I finally BLOCKED my N Ex on Facebook after deactivating my account and avoiding in like the plague for almost a month and a half.

In doing so, I saw all his pictures with his new girlfriend looking "in love", him saying that LIFE IS GOOD and his father commenting that "This is the happiest he's been" and that his new girlfriend is a real "FIND". Apparently, they are already in an official relationship on Facebook and he never changed his "single" status the whole time we were together - ten months. Not to mention, he never posted pictures of us either.

It absolutely kills me - it makes me feel like I wasn't "pretty enough" or just plain GOOD ENOUGH for him, while this new girl parades on in and she "has" him. Did I not count?

I feel completely demoralized. Yes I finally cut the last cord, blocking him from Facebook, but it is like a dagger to my heart. How can I not feel jealous of her? Is she reaping the rewards of a "changed" or "different" man, I know that sounds silly but how come I feel like it was JUST ME?

Please help with some advice or nice words, even though I feel like nothing can help at all.

#2 Nov 27 - 11AM

Redhead

His Dad's comment

Don't let that get to you too much. I do understand. My ex-narc's Dad has already friended the OW on facebook, and our divorce isn't even final. Talk about disrespect. Then I got real. The reality is that is the most superficial, fucked-up family I have ever met. Every one of his four siblings have relationship problems. His parent's have NO boundaries & have never been taught loyalty & respect. HIS Dad also has signs of pathological narcissism...his Mother is passive/aggressive. The ow will be treated no different by he & his family in the end - promise ya.

#3 Nov 26 - 1AM

Sea

Let me share my experience. I

Let me share my experience. I was the woman that narcky parades in public. He has at least 35 woman that i know he is with at the same time. He told me i was the official GF so i should be grateful and stop complaining. I was with him the longest 3years, all his relationshits never last more than 3 months. He is in his 50s and very rich very successful in his career. His OW are very jealous of me. He loves making jealousy craziness out of me and his many OW. I have many photos with him published in public media. We looked like "loving", "glamour". BUT is that the truth?? I can tell you honestly NO!! He is disordered so he will still do exactly all the shits he do to all his ow. My dear friend, there is NO difference. All women get the SAME shits from narc. They have mummy issues or are married to their mummies. The reason i appear to be the official gf is because that was the "role" he assigned to me. He wants a young woman who looks up and coming in the legal industry. I am 20+ years younger and groomed by him in this industry. He is just using me to have a positive public image. Does he loves me more than ow who he never acknowledges as gfs ? NO, he NEVER loves. He is disordered and not capable of that. So dear friend, OW really dont matter in narc's heart. All are interchangeable and meaningless. The one on your ex's fb is the same as u. He might have his own agenda for puting her up on fb. Its never because he loves her more. And she does not enjoy any more than u do. Hugs Sumiko

#4 Nov 26 - 10AM (Reply to #45)

a65703

I am not sure how long they

I am not sure how long they have been "official" but I know our relationships inter lapped, despite his denials. I guess I'm beginning to see it doesn't matter.... We all are OW to his selfish False-self. it's all just an act and mirage. His true self that I saw at the end of the relationship was so pathetic, empty, full of baggage, hanging on to his dream of becoming famous. For what?! I wish so much I could speak to one of his ex's or OW but I don't think I'd get the chance to. He keeps them seriously wrapped around his finger and the ones he doesn't he wrote them off and never spoke about them so I wouldn't know. I am sure a lot of his exes have gone NC on him.... Anyways, thanks for telling me your story. It brings me some more light - and am not jealous of her really. Well maybe a bit, the first three months were nothing like I've ever experienced before and I thought had some substance but thats all N can ever bring to the table - the Honeymoon phase and then abuse, abuse and more abuse.

#5 Nov 25 - 7PM

blueworld

remember this link

here is a refresher for you i hope this helps He's so nice right now, so supportive. So what if he was that way with her too at the beginning? He won't revert back to his headgames of praising and encouraging one minute and subtlely criticizing how you keep the house, the way you do things, things you say, in the next. He wouldn't yank YOUR chain like that. He's so attentive right now, so interested in everything you say and do! He won't turn around one day and tell you he's NOT INTERESTED in the things that interest you, and then accuse you of not paying enough attention to HIM. He won't get mopey and upset because you get more attention than he does at social functions. He won't resent you for your charisma. Just because he did that before doesn't mean he's going to do it again with YOU. As long as you make sure HE is the center of attention, and he's getting his ego stroked, he probably won't get nasty with you... Right? It couldn't be that he is a bottomless pit, and that you can NEVER give him enough attention. Not the man YOU know. Not with YOU. You're special. And the fact that another woman's experience was so terrible with him, his distortions and multiple personalities so devastating that she felt compelled to warn other people about him and the "type" of abuser he is - well that's no consequence. It must have been *her* that brought it out in him. He's so different now that he's found YOU and your healing love. So what if he said the same kinds of things to her? You are going to ignore those nagging little doubts in the back of your mind, because you want to believe so badly in the sweet, helpful, romantic person he is portraying right now. You don't want to believe there is a dark malicious side to him that enjoys seeing others suffer. You want to believe you are special, and he is right there encouraging you, building you up, telling you how nobody understands him the way YOU do. He's telling you that he just wants to stop feeling BAD about himself (and she made him feel that way, the witch!). He's telling you that if he can't make it work with you, he's afraid he can't make it with ANYONE... It's so tragic... (Yeah, he said that to her too, but so what?) YOU are the one who can "fix" his wounded ego. Your relationship with him will be So Much Better than his last ones, because you're special! With you, he'll be honest and straight-forward for the first time in his life. He won't become cruel or passive-aggressive. He won't play headgames anymore. He'll stop using and discarding people like old kleenex. He won't be rude or unkind or disrespectful like he was with those other women. HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH, HE'S NOW A CHANGED MAN. (Changed for the better, of course.) Not because of therapy. Not because he's removed himself from relationships and taken some serious time to get his shit together. Not because he REALLY apologized (without interlacing it with blame) to anyone he harmed in the past, or made amends. Not because he's done any REAL work. Not because he's actually admitted to his real motivations, or made a single sincere change. He just needed to find the RIGHT woman to "save" him from himself and "help" him become a better man, and that's YOU. You just KNOW he'll be different with you. Right?

#6 Nov 25 - 8PM (Reply to #43)

a65703

OW articles are my favorite.

OW articles are my favorite. I must have posted a million of them! Thanks, it does help! The proof stared me in the face tonight... and I don't have anymore tears to be wasted on HIM.

#7 Nov 25 - 7PM

Gaia

OW

I am sorry you are hurting, I know that the facade these jerks throw around, looks and seems so real. But, its ALL FAKE. A show,A script, a play... his way to "look like a good guy". Its not that you were not "good enough" for him, YOU ARE TOO DAMNED GOOD FOR HIM!! You wouldnt want to be with that psychopath anymore, it makes YOU look bad. Let them prance around , with their fake life. Just like a fake piece of jewelry, in time it turns green and layers flake off, and then it turns to BLACK. Its a black hole to hell, and you are not on that ride anymore. ITS A BLESSING TO BE FREE. Stay strong sister! SG

#8 Nov 25 - 8PM (Reply to #41)

a65703

Amen! Being with a Narcissist

Amen! Being with a Narcissist is so shallow, dark, empty alone and lonely and it did make me look bad. He liked making me look bad even though it was because of him and his complete inconsideration of the rest of the 6 billion population and then disrespected me for it I am fooling myself to think that I would want to be in the place of his new GF.... Even though those pictures hurt, it might have been exactly what I needed to walk over that bridge, burn it and never look back. Narcissists are just NO good, like poison. Slowly seeping into your veins... I guess we are lucky that we got out, alive, barely.... All I know is that I'm staying close to this forum.

#9 Nov 25 - 7PM

Hunter

Awww.. You know, let me say

Awww.. You know, let me say this... No you can't make somebody want you.. And sometimes things change .. I always say everyone has a right to be happy.. Right?? This is not healthy or happy how he treated you.. Let his happiness ( so called ) stay with this OW.. It's a shame and no better than the sham he dished at you.. To me it's very transparent.. He is changing like Chicago weather.. Let this jack off go ! Hunter

#10 Nov 25 - 7PM (Reply to #36)

a65703

Love your sarcasm, Hunter! It

Love your sarcasm, Hunter! It probably seems so foolish and transparent and writing responses back to everyone is pulling the saneness out of me! I guess it's more of a pride thing - he is off with his girlfriend (VICTIM, I KNOW, I KNOW) while I am alone, trying to pick up the pieces. Furthermore, have no interest being in a relationship yet, because I am NORMAL and want to grieve, recovery/get better, learn from my mistakes and improve before I am "emotionally" ready! It boggles me how some people (mostly Ns) go from one relationship to another, even inter lapping multiple relationships at the same time - HOW DO THEY DO THAT? It shouldn't boggle my mind because that's their "nature" and that's what they "do"!!!!!!

#11 Nov 26 - 10AM (Reply to #39)

Hunter

Simple answers to simple

Simple answers to simple questions.. You're normal, you feel a loss .. He jumps from relationship to relationship just like that because he's " NUTS" No more nut cracking.. You feel bad because you believed the lie.. I did .. We all did.. Give yourself time .. Hunter

#12 Nov 26 - 2AM (Reply to #37)

empath

a65703

Pulling the saneness out of each other...that's why we're here. :-) This forum has been such a blessing to me...to be able to be weak and strong here at the same time...this is the most confusing thing I have ever been through and I am sure everyone else here would say the same. You are too good to be upset by his charade and that is all it is. You were probably OW to someone else, when you came on the scene with him and someday the OW he is with now will be on the D&D pile too. Idealize, devalue, discard...the only thing that differentiates the OW is where they fall on the timeline, which part of the N cycle they are in. It does seem unfair that we are without someone and they are with someone...yet really, are they with someone? Are they really? Were you ever with him? My guess is you were more lonely when you were with him, then you are now without him. And the fact that we feel so deeply and are going through this time of taking a break and healing after such a destructive relationship, means that we will ultimately heal and find something so much healthier and better, as a result of being willing to work on ourselves before going back into a relationship. Narcs will never know what we do or feel as we do, they will never have the love they so desoerately crave, and they don't have the ability or the desire for introspection, or the ability to be alone with themselves. They live in denial, and their denial lives in denial...that is the double whammy of NPD and why they can't ever change or get better. All they can do is avoid having to face that they have no reflection when there isn't a mirror there to reflect themsekves back to them...all of their validation comes from external sources and they create these fantastic idealized scenarios starring Themselves. We, on the other hand, retreat and work on ourselves and suffer the short-term pain in order to get to the long-term gain. No matter that it may look like he is "fine", you know better, he is most definitely NOT "fine" or you'd not have had to resort to such drastic measures as NC to get this toxic individual out of your life. You are not alone and your are not losing anything by being rid of this phony. You are healing and making lots of progress and creating room in your life for something real and good to come along. :-)

#13 Nov 26 - 10AM (Reply to #38)

a65703

Ugh c'est vrai (that's

Ugh c'est vrai (that's true)! Denial could be my N's middle or first name for the matter. Denial about his parents divorcing, imagine a 26 year old never actually knowing WHY they split up. Ignorance is a bliss? Well not really, when you have to grow up and face reality. But wait, that is something he and all N won't EVER do. Denial and mostly LIES about his past relationships and how he treated US (his exes) and only fake sympathizing and apologizing just for NS, denial about his job and his coworkers, denial about everything. His is probably denying how he feels about his new GF to himself... he probably thinks or is forcing himself to say this is the "one" because I believe he knows he has a trail of destruction when it comes to relationships. I for one, told him! You are also right about the fact that I was never really "with him". In actual physical presence yet, but never emotionally. It was all fake stimulation and feeling, mostly with the uses of alcohol and other substances. I have to wonder if he is still using... definitely know he is drinking. I would call him up on the weekends after not hearing from him and he would answer in a fog. I would ask him what he was doing and he would say he was "drinking alone". Drinking alone in his parents house where he lives. If he is not USING in front of her, he is certainly using behind closed doors. Still talking to his ex and OW on facebook and texting them. Still being the narcissist pig that he really is.....

#14 Nov 25 - 6PM

Winter

My thoughts

First, I want to congradulate you with the HUGE step you made on your recovery! Deactivating your account, blocking him, doing anything to prevent you from snooping is excellent! I honestly think this is much more important than anything else. CONGRATS ON THAT!You are brave and strong! Second, if the narc currently "prefer" someone else and got "serious" about her, it is a big chance, I will say a privelege you got. A Thanksgiving Gift! Just imagine, in a while, maybe few months, you will be free of him. You will meet someone real, you have chance to find a true love, someone who will really care. On the other hand, poor OW will be going through all this emotional turmoil. And if she will be that unlucky, that he will marry her and have kids together... My god, a broken life for her! I don't wish it to anyone. Such a misery! Third. Yes, honey, you are currently hurt. It is normal, it is unavoidable. I work a lot on acceptance and detachment. The most important is not if you were "good enough" or "not good" for him. It is not important at all, trust me. The only thing which matters is the degree of the importancy you give to it. I beleive your work needs to be directed at you. At trying to "convince" yourself that this is not important. Because it is really not important! I know your heart will not follow your mind immediately. But it will. Love Winter

#15 Nov 25 - 6PM (Reply to #34)

a65703

=) You summed everything up

=) You summed everything up brilliantly. I really am proud of myself, I think that if I kept on avoiding this "task" of deleting him, it would be like weight on my shoulders forever and ever. I feel lighter, totally miserable but more free! I need to keep telling myself, SHE CAN HAVE HIM! Nothing more than a pretty face (if that, he has gained a lot of weight I could tell from the pictures) who is a fake, fraud and phony. He is a USER - uses alcohol, uses drugs, USES PEOPLE. GOOD RIDDANCE! She and his parents/family can tell him how GREAT he is everyday.. how tiring. Being "good enough" or "pretty enough" or whatever "enough" usually doesn't come into my mind, OK maybe like once a day, but just seeing those pictures - it is human nature to compare oneself! I'm done now, I'm free. Now, I just have to work on "ME"

#16 Nov 25 - 6PM

Layla

Well thank the GOOD LORD you BLOCKED HIM! : ))

That facebook is nothing but another tool for these clowns and a perfect stalking troll situation for them too. I agree with Syren, for ALL You know, he went into his dad's account and made comments himself. I know my abuser had his mommy's email password....I wouldn't put ANYTHING past these sneaky creatures, seriously!!! Good call on Syren's part, they really ARE that sneaky! Empath also has made some great comments and I stand behind what she just said 110%! Listen, and we keep saying this because it is true- they DO NOT CHANGE- EVER!! E V E R !!! They have a PD, it is ingrained in them to their core- this is WHO THEY ARE! Think of it like this.....there is a room, and in that room there are 150 cats. One day, you put a little dog in the room....over time, the dog is mimicing the cats...he mimics every day.....guess what? He is STILL A DOG, with the NATURE of a DOG! He is WHAT HE IS! The same with these PDI's.....what he was with YOU, is WHO HE IS!!!! You need to KNOW this, you need to BELIEVE this to your innermost being! He WILL NOT change! He puts on this BIG ol' act with his new victim. That is ALL. He WANTS you to see it too! Yes he does! I bet this new girl has NO IDEA about the disordered manipulating liars games just now but give it time, and she WILL see what you have seen. Oh yes she will! I will bet the farm she will! NO matter on ANY of this! You need to eventually turn the corner, take the focus off of him, and direct all your energy to you. I know you have not been NC long, and the first weeks most people struggle with but the time will come, and the sooner the better, where you will HAVE to accept him for what he IS, and turn your back to him and fully towards yourself. love~ Layla

#17 Nov 25 - 6PM (Reply to #17)

a65703

I know, Facebook was the last

I know, Facebook was the last "connection" I had with him. I knew all these dirty pictures, information, comments, statuses awaited me upon reactivating and viewing his profile for the last time. I BLOCKED HIM! At least the worst part is over. It's true, it's so hard for me to fully, 100% realize and comprehend is he a NARCISSIST and that he will never change. I don't know why!!!!! It's so frustrating!!!! I haven't been NC for that long, just over a month and a half since the break up, broke NC once due to his hoovering, but after seeing the evidence of him cheating and him completely dishonoring me - I won't ever talk to him again. NEVER. He is dead to me. Thanks so much for your lovely, straightforward words. They mean the world to me. Sooner or late I will get IT!

#18 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #32)

neva-again

FaKebook ...

I too deactivated my account because of his FB creeping and stakling, he would even do it on his ex gf in front of me...Yikes,.I will never go back on there. If we could all stay off FAKEBOOK ( I call it FAKEBOOK because thats is just what it is FAKE!!!) NO CONTACT is the only way, looking at his profile only hurts you, and we have all had enough of the hurt. We have to think of them as dead to us, PLEASE Stay AWAY>>>

#19 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #23)

EiPuff (not verified)

You inspire me

I haven't unfriended my narc yet. Still reading posts and feeling SO BITTER when I read he's having a good time without me. I need to do it because I can feel my heart pound and mind race when I read it. I'm too afraid yet. Afraid ill regret it and miss him. I'm not over my love for him even though I know he's an emotionally crippled, twisted liar. I don't understand why I feel this way.

#20 Nov 26 - 9PM (Reply to #26)

a65703

EiPuff

You really have to cut the VIRTUAL cord and defriend him, more so block him! Because if you defriend him, he will BLOCK you. They always have to have the last word or do the last action that will hurt the most....I was avoiding it for a long time, abandoned my account and dropped off the face of the earth but I just manned up and breathed really hard and faced the truth, reality, facts. Bear in mind, those pictures, comments, and everything on his profile will STAY with me forever but it fuels the fire to recover FAST, HARD and STRONG and seriously, it turned me off big-time!!!!!!!!! It's seriously unhealthy to keep him connected to you in anyway. I really believe Facebook ruins lives and is a tool, like all the posters here said, for Narcissists to convey their "happiness". You will do it in time, dear! You have to do it to get better and move on! (I was going to say that eventually after you move on, pursue another relationship, it is possible to re-friend him and reconnect but that's ONLY for rare instances with normal exes and the Narcissist is NOT normal). No contact now or never.

#21 Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #27)

EiPuff (not verified)

ok

I blocked him on fb. He texted me this am and I just replied "need some time & space to get on same "just friends" page as you. Gonna enjoy holidays and I'll reach out to you sometime after new yrs - when I'm ready. Thx" - because if I just ignore it, he takes that as aggressively putting him out of my life and jumps to the fight - this way, he'll not text me (or maybe I will get a full court press - can't say for sure) and won't get angry if I don't reach out. Maybe I'm naive but at least this way I can start NC without having declared war and fire him up. Of course, he'll never BELIEVE I won't be in touch over holidays because I've gone crawling back every single time but I'm armed with my meds, a new shrink, good friends, this website and am determined to take back control of my life and my brain.

#22 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #30)

a65703

That's great news! Better

That's great news! Better done sooner than later! Why would you get court papers? For a separation or some sort of child custody matter, or even harassment? Anyways, I hope you do exactly what you said to him! In the case for Narcissists, distance does NOT make the heart grow fonder!

#23 Nov 27 - 2PM (Reply to #31)

EiPuff (not verified)

clarify "full court press"

"full court press" is a basketball term when you drive hard to the hoop - meaning when I get the full court press from him, it means he will make an all-out effort to make contact and sway me back to believing he loves me so he can get what he wants from me.

#24 Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #28)

Used

EiPuff

GOOD FOR YOU FOR DOING THIS, AND HOPEFULLY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS YOU WILL THINK, I DON'T WANT HIM ANYWAY..

#25 Nov 27 - 7PM (Reply to #29)

EiPuff (not verified)

After holidays

I don't want him back- that's why I'm so confused about my reaching out to him. Too much damage has been done - I can't even imagine wanting to see his smug face - so confident he can always get his way because no woman can resist him. Can't imagine laughing over a drink after the way I've been made to feel and my skin crawls when I think of him touching me. I'm glad I blocked him on fb - I don't know why I'm still looking to see if he reached out & obsessing about what he's doing - I hope my new shrink ( who does Schema therapy) can help me reprogram myself out of this pattern so I can move on.

#26 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #24)

Winter

EiPuff

I know exactly what you mean. It took me 3.5 months after I left him to cut him on the web. I was so afraid, so anxious, so scared to do it. I felt like I would regret it then forever. I was so wrong! When I did it 2 months ago I felt an immediate relief. Immediate! No more heart or mind racing. I did not regret it for a second. Just do it for yourslef, don't be afraid. Please, don't. Love Winter

#27 Nov 27 - 10AM (Reply to #25)

EiPuff (not verified)

fb block

I read your post and did it. Thank you for taking your time to reach out to help me. From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate your kindness.

#28 Nov 26 - 7PM (Reply to #22)

EiPuff (not verified)

You inspire me

#29 Nov 25 - 6PM (Reply to #18)

Layla

Just keep reading and keep NC!!!

You know something? My abuser was actually diagnosed N and AsPD and I still could NOT wrap my mind around it fully....by keeping NC, and educating myself, one day it just "clicked"...."oh! I get IT, I GET IT NOW! Accepted! It makes sense now! My mind can pull it apart and put it back together nicely and hey! HE'S FUKKED UP!!!" haha! You too will come to that! I promise!!!! : ))) Also, Lisas Path Forward book is REALLY helpful...so if you do not have the 20 bucks for the eBook, it is only about 9 dollars Kindle version on Amazon....not "plugging" here, but it IS a good and helpful book!!! love~ Layla

#30 Nov 27 - 7AM (Reply to #20)

EiPuff (not verified)

Book

Thanks, Layla! Money is tight but I could swing the $9.

#31 Nov 27 - 11AM (Reply to #21)

a65703

It was worth the money - a

It was worth the money - a lot of it we already know from this website and online articles but Lisa is right about everything. The only thing with my downloaded copy is that a lot of the text was missing - it was strange like a corrupted file!

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