an 'i'm sorry' would help so much

I've been told "I'm sorry" so many times by the N. At first, I always believed him but now know it was just another tactic. I think they even believe that saying "I'm sorry" should just erase the pain of the offense as well as the memory of it forever. I've also been told that I don't know how to apologize and that I'm the one who doesn't feel empathy because I don't apologize as freely as he does. It can take me awhile to reconsider what I've said and done and when I do apologize, it's extremely sincere and I NEVER do or say again what I'm apolozing for. Even after an apology, a narc will continue to commit the transgression.

Its impossible for them to be sorry as that defies the heart of their disorder lack of empathy. Sorry means you empathize with the other person. They are not capable of feeling empathy. Now I do believe they do know right from wrong so I think when some of them say sorry I think what they are really saying is I know I did something wrong. They know they did but they dont feel it.

I got what seemed to be a heartfelt sincere apology for how he behaved 15 years ago. Well... IT MEANT NOTHING! said he would never treat me like that again that he was just young and stupid. He may have been sorry in that moment but that was it. A person who has no empathy has absolutely to capability to be sorry. Sorry is just a word they say because they know they are "supposed" to say it in order to get you to behave the way they want you to.

"this is what prevents me, personally from having closure. I can't fucking forgive what he did to me." Honey, it's 100% possible to get the closure you need if you never ever forgive him. And I'll bet my next paycheck that if he did apologize, he'd do it again the next time you "deserved it". You were victimized by a horrible excuse for a human being. Even the most lenient judge would have thrown his ass in jail for what he did to you. He is disturbed, he is a monster. There are a lot of them on death row, or prison for life, who've killed and never "apologize" to the family of the one they killed. An apology from a Narc is worthless. And it's a waste of your life to even hope for it :( It won't mean anything, anyway :( You are going through what many women have gone through before you. You aren't forging an unique path through a unique situation. It just feels that way because you haven't experienced it before. Take our words on faith, if you have to. A simple apology will NOT make it all better. Even if he fell on his face and groveled, reported himself to the cops and went to jail for a year over it. It would NOT make you feel better!!! Not in the long run. What gets you over this is time, and understanding and growth and healing. YOu are so early on in the process. You've got to give yourself a break. And in your other thread, I suggested you get a little extra help :) . We all need it! Considering what you went through, my god. It's a wonder you are as sane as you are. You are super tough. You are incredibly sane . . . just in terrible pain. It will get better, much better. Just take steps toward what your sisters here tell you WILL make it better. Stop hoping and wishing for HIM to do something to make it better! He's the one who humiliated you in the first place. That's just nuts to hope the one who victimized you will be the one to help you heal from it. It's called Trauma Bonding, that's what it is :(

FORGIVE them for not being able to aplogize for the things, that on THEIR planets, are perfectly acceptable. I ended my one letter to him with , "and so with love, i let you go". And even though many would say he didn't deserve it, i know that while I will finally move on, like all of us, he will be stuck with his tortured soul forever...(and will probably come back to earth as a Walmart button) LML

My ex ex (narc?) husband admitted he was a NARC but now i don't think he was. Yes, he was abusive, called me names, pushed me around a bit, and yelled at me (especially during our DRUG days) but he always also apologized and tried to explain that his world was "Black" and he didnt' know why. He also explained that he knew he couldn't make anyone happy, unless he himself was happy, but he wasn't. And, although he wasn't willing to try, and he didn't like ANYONE, he did LOVE me in his own way. He never got tired of me sexually, infact, that was the one area of our relationship where he showed any emotion at all. When we finally broke up 18 years later ( i had prayed he would find a GF, which he finally did) he cried and told me i could always count on him to be a friend - which he has been, along with his finacee who i LOVE. In fact, when i called him about what had happend with my narc,m and the cops etc. he cried over the phone, and so did she and asked me to come stay with them a week or so. which i did. And, although the GF and I had NO problem with it, it did make him uncomfortable which he was man enough to admit. And, i needed my own place, which i got. but the mian point is, he is NOT cruel and he is my friend STILL. and would do anything for me that he could. The ex narc in jail still won't even admit there's a problem, and of course, he's in jail through NO FAULT OF HIS OWN. You will never get an admittance or a sorry from them for the things that hurt you. Mine DID apologize a few times, and seemed to really mean it as he admitted ONCE that he was confused as to why he was neglecting me when he loved me....THAT threw me, but he never let it happen again. Usually they crawl back in their shell, and there they stay - lying to themselves, feeling they have nothing to apologize for. Great pic by the way...Lisa LML