I'm sorry, but I just have to ask this...

Very early on, I got an email from my ex-narc. It was a stupid story that ended with him saying, "Oh how I love to play the victim." I dismissed it as a stupid story, but i wish I would have paid more attention to that. because he sure loved to pull out all the victim tactics and stories. After a while, it got comical because it was all he could do, and he didn't seem to realize that I saw exactly what he was doing. When It got bad, he did a lot of the throwing it back on me. It was evil. he was the one who lied and future-faked and pretended to be what he was not in order to keep me around, and yet he said I was the liar and he should sue me for false advertising and he listed everything (in email) that he had actually done to me as if I had done it to him. He called me a psycho bitch and said he loved me anyway, and I should be so happy that he loves me even though I am a crazy psycho. He was so cruel. So when he later tried to tell me how much he loved me, I said, "umm wait, you called me a psycho bitch, you hate me..." but then he denied ever saying any mean thing to me... and went on to how it was always me being mean to him and there i go again being mean to him again. it is never ending. they can never say sorry and never see what they do nor what they say nor the damage it does. sick sick sick.

My experience: just like so many here! Unbelievable! Always with the criticism, the digs, the disapproval. One incident comes back to me so clearly. We were only together a few months when he insisted that we get engaged. I was uneasy about this but then thought, well, he is the love of my life after all. So we got engaged. He had been dreaming of going off to race his motorcycle on the Salt Flats so right after we got engaged he went out there. This was, I think, September. 2008. He phoned me moments after he raced, so excited and happy! I was happy for him, too, although racing isn't my cup of tea. Fast forward 1.5 years, and not easy ones either. By early 2009 I already had lived through increasing dismay and hurt, puzzlement and confusion with his hurtful behavior and complete denial of it. OK so maybe not the most honorable thing but I searcxhed him on Match. And there he was. His profile? "I raced the Salt Flats." He had posted himself just after we got engaged. When I showed it to him, gaslighting. "I never posted that. I have no idea how it got there. And - how DARE you snoop on the internet?" I was the villain, the betrayer, the evildoer. I ended up apologizing profusely and decided to let it go. I thought, well, I don't think he's actually dated - he just did this stupid ego trip thing. I should have quit him right there and then. He'd hurt me over and over. I learned that even quiet, polite discussion about being hurt brought his wrath, defensiveness and worst of all denial. "I'm the best ol' man you ever had." "You exaggerate everything." "I will not tolerate you making a scene." His famous line, when he wanted to threaten me for pointing out reality; "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." WHAT kindness? I was the one who was needy, pushy, needed psychotherapy, would never be OK off of antidepressants. I was the one who was hypercritical, selfish, intolerant, dense. OMG. When I think of it now it incites major impulses to kick him in his nonexistent testicles. .... Pardon, ladies.

In my relationship with ER he is always the one who has been wronged. He never does anything to me. He is pure and good and kind and generous and he sees himself as a martyr. He often tells me how much I have hurt him. This is beyond ridiculous in that he has tortured and tormented me with his bullshit for the past year, cheated on me, betrayed me every single day by lying and texting all these sluts from BDSM sites. Yet I am the one who needs to be punished. I am the one who ruined everything because I faced him with the truth. If I hadn't gone thru his phone records and found out everything - we'd be ok. He's called me a psycho, a hacker and a stalker. I have done nothing of the kind of things he has accused me of - certainly nothing as terrible as what he has done to me. But he sees himself as innocent. He has apologized for what he's done but won't admit (or deny) the cheating part even though I know it is true. To this day he is still keeping me in purgatory by not giving me his new phone number (he had to have it changed he said because his wife demanded it - which I don't believe - I think he did it to hurt me and to keep all the other women who were pissed off at him from bugging him). I am in hell. And he is just going out hunting and having a grand old time.

Same exact language, down to the letter. "You are manipulative," "You and your mind games," "I don't deserve this," "I've finally had it." All for daring to try to call him after a week of silent treatment

of course this exactly is my nh's torture tool on me. he went 1 step further, he would pulp our little child with unprovoked beating, kicking, thrashing, ST and once took a fully heated iron and burned the 3 yr old on the arm. Then once he took a curtain rod and beat the kid when the poor thing was barely 7 yr old. we have been through unimaginable torture. honestly, it is because i was not able to find a job and i had nobody to turn to for help, we are taking this shit. i read so much that the Universe will punish such evil doers, but till today NH has not got one ounce of punishment from God. I have not gone into the constant foul mouthing we received whenever i asked the NArc any Probing Questions. only once he physically assaulted me. but the child grew up with zero love from the narc father...and only thrashings and downsizing.. all utterly unreasonable. IF ONLY we had public awareness of this Mental Disease... I just would have RUN as soon as the Abuse began..and it began in the first year itself of the marriage. But, like a fool, i believed that it was all because there was something wrong with me... I was too Sensitive, too Suspicious, too questioning, too 'clever for my own good'.. heck.. i am Appalled that i did not understand the situation. GROAN. anyway, I am seeing on this forum that even after 30 yr of marriage some of our sisters have quit a disasterous marriage. I too shall leave. Only consolidating things before i leave this torture chamber behind. will be about 4 years more. Thank GOD..that after reading and getting indepth on the Narc disease...i shall not miss this man. Once i am free from his clutches, i doubt if i will think of him again. I have decided, that when someday possible, I will try to run a small social service outfit where i will listen to other helpless women's problem with Narcs in their life...and try to help them to the best of my ability. I just want to give back to society this crucial help which all here at this forum have done for helping me come out of a dark sorrow and shock.

Yes, it's called "projection". The narc takes everything they are doing and accuses you of doing it. Xnh loved to stir up drama by accusing me of all kinds of crap, and then stomp out the door before I could ever air my response in any way. It effectively shut out any avenue that I had to communicate. This was xnh's version of the Silent Treatment. Like you, it frustrated me to the brink of insanity. Xnh accused me of causing every single fight that we'd had during our entire 16 relationship. He enjoys arguing just like it was a sport. He'll argue with everyone and anyone just for the "entertainment factor". Xnh accusing me of causing every single argument for 16 years, is pure projection. He, also,accused me of being abusive to HIM and cheating. Funny how it was always ME that was wearing the bruises, and HE was the one that gave me an STD as a final "parting gift" from his cheating. Once again, pure projection. Xnh, also, told me that he "wouldn't put up with my shit", he doesn't deserved to be yelled at...ever, and he actually tried to force me into promising him that I would "never get angry at him ever again, no matter what he did". I refused (and he went into another violent rage). What an unholy reign of terror THAT would have been for me. My promising that would have been like letting a fox loose in a hen house. Never in a million years was I going to touch that one. rofl. One-upping (grandiosity) is also another narc characteristic. They just love control, and always have to be better than everyone else. Thomas Sheridan described this perfectly in one of his videos. He said their attitude is "I'm so great. I'm so great. I'm so great." which is hard enough for anyone to take. However, the N/P goes one step farther with an attitude of "I'm so great. I'm so great...and YOU'RE NOT! I'm so great. I'm so great...and YOU'RE NOT!" It's impossible for anyone else to stomach. I know I could calmly announce to xnh what a beautiful blue the sky is today, and he would "one-up" me with "No, it's actually more of a green than blue. It's not pretty at all. You need to get your eyes examined." He seemed to think he's the fount of all knowledge about everything. Barf. In reality, xnh was an arrogant jerk with a personality disorder that always had to dominate and be in control, while appearing to himself to be "better than" other people (especially those nearest and supposedly "dearest" to him). I was forever making comments to xnh about how he really did NOT need to build himself up by tearing others down. Obviously, that never had any impact on him. rofl.

Mine used to call me horrific names, accuse me of horrific things, taunt and torment me until I was frothing at the mouth, then he would silently sit back calmly and record me on his cell phone, while I'm breaking down like a lunatic. He finally revealed to me that he was doing this, one night while I was hiding in his closet to shut out his latest verbal attack. He came in and forced me to watch all these recordings, all the while telling me that he now had proof to show the police and the world that I was mentally unstable and dangerous. Of course he never recorded his vicious, psychotic attacks that led up to my meltdowns. Just captured me reacting to hours of insults and abuse. Yes, he played the role of a victim very well... Ahhhhh Love! I hate that m-f-er! Monique

I only wish I knew what I know now! In the d&d, my exN called me an "idiot." No one's ever called me this before, but when I look back at how I allowed him to pull my strings like this, I now hear this in my head. I rarely ever yell and scream, but I blew up his phone with texts. I'd often say, "I don't want to sweep this under the rug." We never REALLY RESOLVED ANY ISSUE. Anyway, when I spoke up, he'd say I was "raging." I'm not a rager, so that confused me. I once had to ask him if he was over his ex-wife, bc I wondered WTH he was talking about. I am fairly level-headed and rational. He saved all our texts. He'd say I was "harassing" him. Often, after a text, he'd say "See, you are cruel," after a text that was not even close to cruel. Projection I'm sure. He'd threaten, "I can't handle you...deal with you...put up with much more." He LOVED pushing my buttons! Towards the end, he said, I needed to see a counselor. Whatev. Again, projection. He insinuated I was a stalker, by comparing me to past gf's. Called me "crazy" and "unstable." Said he sent my messages to his son. Tried to blackmail me, while also saying he "would never hurt me." He also put down my degrees, saying I didn't have them. Yeh, I have diplomas! Now I know. It was all just to turn the tables and make HIM the VICTIM. Playing the blame game. I'm sure it was a game he played before and knew all the rules, while I had no idea I was even playing.

YES! Absolutely yes!! It was Crazymaking at it's craziest!!! It's still somewhat of a challenge for me not to get swept back into the spiral of rumination, trying to make sense of it ...and stop questioning myself. He would push buttons, cause hurt, pain wait for me to react.... then when i would share with him and try to broach the subject, he would play the victim.... saying "I can never do anything right." Yeah, poor poor him. This was the same man who i had seen on numerous occasions smirking when he would see me react with hurt to something mean he said or did. They are MASTERS OF PROJECTION AND MIRRORING!!! It took me a very long time to realize that what he had been doing all along was taking my feelings and pretending they were his own. Looking back on our relationship i finally realized that I was always the one who reached out and shared my feelings as i tried to get a bearing on what our relationship really "was".... i would always open the lines of communication, share my feelings.... then he would simply echo that back to me. I used the last few times we spoke to test this theory, and it was so..... Yes, they always turn EVERYTHING around. It is all so abnormal that it is difficult for our brains to absorb and register this bizarre-ness we are actually experiencing. They are sick, SICK, SICK-BEYOND SICK SICKOS!!!!