I'm sorry but I have to vent ... he is an evil f*ckwit

I've been drawn to this site for a while now however I've only been a member for 5days and have just started reading The Path Forward after finally going NO CONTACT 3wks ago after losing it and saying enough is enough I can't do this anymore!

Last night after reading so many similar posts / comments and also making comments myself plus reading more of the book, I think I had an epiphany. I'm just so angry that I feel like seriously hurting him and I'm sooo not a violent person

Reading the posts, comments and book has made a lot of the bad memories of things he used to do and say come flying back to surface with even more intensity than ever before because I was in so much denial and disbelief that this man I loved with all my heart could be this monster and even now as I write this I struggle with the conflicting feelings that I have that it is causing a permanent lump in my throat.

Even after finally telling him that his behaviour not only to me but his now OW and his family was not acceptable, that he was only using me for money and for someone to listen when current OW was pissing him off and not giving the supply he needed. I told him that everything was always everyone else's fault and that everyone always owed him something, that he needed to grow up and start taking responsibility for his life and his actions. I even apologised for my email and how it made him feel nasty. The response was that he wants no apologies nor does he make any, he understands that I have issues and that is why he was there for me. He loves who he is and always will. He thinks it's best that I forget about him and move on.

So now I look like the crazy idiot and ex who wouldn't let go and leave and I remember he did this to me when we were together as well after telling me that there was no spark anymore but that he needed me to live because it was more fun and that I didn't have to make a decision about leaving now and that he was happy to keep trying because after we aren't kids anymore and maybe the thrill that he keeps looking for that wild, intense passionate love does not exist. He told his brother when it all came out about his cheating that he told me months ago it wasn't working but that I wouldn't leave ... so it's all my fault.

I'm so angry not only at him but at myself for allowing this piece of shit to treat my like a second class citizen or like a piece of gum stuck to his shoe that you just can't get rid of. Most people would say that I'm a fairly intelligent person yet I allowed him, no-one else but me, to devalue me, brainwash me, turn my insecurities against me and people that I cared about. He knew exactly how to get into my head, I opened up to him about all my insecurities and played on them time and time again and I allowed it. He would get enjoyment out of watching me become this crumbling mess yet at the same time would get annoyed because I was 'depressed' again and he was sick of the drama. I was like a rat in a cage to him that keep running around that wheel! He doesn't like bullshit in his life nor does he tolerate it but he frigging creates it!

There are so many thoughts and feelings going through my head that I don't even know where to start nor understand what's mine and what's his energy & emotion, I took it all on. I took on all his pain, his anguish, his anger and made it mine because I felt sorry for him, felt sorry for this little boy who I could see what stuck inside and just wanted to be loved unconditionally and wanted someone to take his pain away. But the more I did that, the more I cared and looked after him, the more he used and abused me. He even said that he was lucky to have someone like me in his life that does as this for him! But then he said the same thing about current OW.

I really want to write all this down like verbal diarrhoea and send it to him but what will it achieve? He will never understand my pain nor understand that his actions have caused it. I want to out him to everyone and anyone that will listen but again what will that achieve because I'll be labelled the crazy, jealous and spiteful ex!

I can honestly say that I have never ever in my entire life experienced such gut wrenching pain and heartache that sometimes I can't stop myself from crying that I end up whaling ....

What kind of people does this to another human being and get enjoyment out of it ... they are sick f*ckers