I'm so sad!! Tomorrow is Mother's Day......How do I get through this???

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#1 May 12 - 9AM
joyvbfla
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I'm so sad!! Tomorrow is Mother's Day......How do I get through this???

This is just not a good day!!! It is Mother's Day tomorrow and this is the second year I am not with my children because of "asshole"!!! I know I should be keeping busy, but I am just depressed and don't feel like doing anything!! I think I am still in shock about everything that has happened to my life!! There are alot of "if only I would have......" going on in my head right now. He has his kids every other week, his house, all of his friends, a new girlfriend.....the church he has gone to for years all still intact, and here I sit WITH NOTHING!! I AM SO ANGRY, BITTER, SAD, ETC....I can't believe I stayed as long as I did!!
He told me last week (before I went to complete NC and blocked him) that my kids are better off with my ex-husband and their stepmother was a far better mother than I will ever be....just terrible, painful things that a husband should NEVER say to his wife....
and then last night I got another call from the police officer that took his police report last week with the "loutdoor lights" episode and wanted my side to the whole thing......and boy did I give him my side. Based on a few comments he made, I don't think he believed my psychopath/narc at all!!! He told me that he is 99.999% sure it will just get thrown out and it was ridiculous (he said about as much as he is allowed to without coming right out and saying that my N/P was a complete bullshiter!)! He told the police that I pushed him and his kids backed up his story.....the problem with that is I am about 120 pounds and he is over 200 pounds....acutally, what I really did, which is totally pathetic, was try and stop him from grabbing all my stuff and throwing it out the door.. I was actually somewhat "begging" him to stop and don't do it.....I did not push him or do anything else. As far as the lights.....we are married and they are both of ours. That's what the officer said too....he said he told my N/P that too, a minor detail he left out when he was calling and threatening to file a RO. He said the "domestic violence" charge will go to the state level....I'm not even sure what he was talking about......what my N/P did was file some like assult charge on me as well as breaking the lights. I cannot even believe he would do that.
This was also another thing, for some reason, that really opened my eyes last week....we were going back and forth (again, this was BEFORE I went NC this time) about everything and he was saying to me how I assulted/pushed him....I said "You are the one that hit my leg so hard I had a red welt/handprint. He looked at me with these cold eyes and said "I did not Joy...you better quit lying", he also said he never cheated on me because he did not have "intercourse" with anyone...only oral sex, or whatever else he has done. He said that as a christian, sex before marriage is wrong, and so is adultery, so as long as you don't have intercouse, it's ok......and it's not "really" cheating. Seeing how he could just lie with no emotion....and we both KNEW he was lying, obviously because we were both there....made me sick....I can only imagine how many more lies he has told me!!
So, yes, that upset me last night.....after all of this.....HIM destroying MY life.....he is now the victim....I played into his game so perfectly. I will NEVER give him the satisfaction of doing anything else to me......EVER, EVER!!!!!
This is just very painful......I am kinda all over the place....while I know I have to maintain NC, I will get this terrible urge to just "forget about everything that has happened....deny in my mind how bad it is, and call him or go over there"....I know I cannot do that......please, anyone out there reading this, if you pray, say a quick prayer for me....I need help doing this and I am slowly starting to begin building a support system. I know I need to go to church tonight and not lock myself in my apartment. But I don't feel like doing anything!!!
Believe it or not.....I did have a pretty good evening last nigt. I spent like 2 hours in Target.....and picked out some little things for my apartment. I have no money, so I could not get alot.....but it was kinda nice to come home and set a few things up!!
I still have a bunch of stuff in my storiage locker (that I pay $150/month for, and I need to clean out and get rid of) and I don't know when I will have the money to afford getting it moved....maybe as I get reconnected with some old friends, they can help me.
So I am very, very sad today....this is really so painful, I almost can't stand it....I just need to get through tomorrow.....all day yesterday my patients would say as they were leaving..."have a good weekend, and Mother's day".....I just cringed....some mother I am.....I devastate and hurt my kids....I DO NOT feel that I am even anything close to a mother for them and I don't even want to celebrate it!!! I DO NOT want people to say "have a nice mother's day).
Even though though this is terrible, difficult, painfu, etc.....I am going to do it!!! I might go today and get a few more cheap things for my apartment. Along with mounting medical bills from my neck surgery, airfare to cleveland, all regualr monthly bills, needing to get my kittens neutered and declawed, needing furniture (like a couch, and dining room table), and the list goes on and on and my money is down to almost nothing.....YES, I AM FEELING VERY OVERWHELMED RIGHT NOW!!! I know he is spending the weekend wth OW......I just can't believe that after how much he said for 2 years that this is the best relationship he has ever had and he loved my so much, that he can just move on like this......It MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL!!! And of course, how I can be so upset and jealous he is with someone else is beyone me....but it is very painful!!!

May 12 - 7PM
Goldie
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You realize that life is short and the truth will set you free

May 12 - 6PM
dulcinea441
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The good news is you can

May 12 - 1PM
abreva
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Here's how you are going to get through

May 12 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
joyvbfla
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Thank you....

May 12 - 8PM (Reply to #13)
Emmy
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Awwww...

May 12 - 3PM (Reply to #12)
abreva
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Yes, I see how painful.

May 12 - 12PM
Deidre99
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I will say a prayer for you

May 12 - 10AM
ruby01 (not verified)
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Hey Joy,

May 12 - 10AM
Layla
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Feelings.........

May 12 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
bluegirl
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My mother has been dead for

May 12 - 10PM (Reply to #7)
invisible
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My mother has been dead for ...

May 12 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
BtrflyGrl
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Your Mom

May 12 - 5PM (Reply to #4)
bluegirl
bluegirl's picture

I think I'm afraid of what

May 12 - 6PM (Reply to #5)
LoserFree
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Bluegirl you were very

May 12 - 6PM (Reply to #6)
bluegirl
bluegirl's picture

I think that is a great