I'm so disappointed in myself...

After being with my ex-N for 12 1/2 years and catching him sexting in May 2011, I was devistated. I had caught him cheating 8 years before and I actually believed him when he said it would never happen again, that he was never going to loose me again and I took him back.

We have been apart for over 18 months now, but it was one of my last MAJOR hoovers 9 months ago when he showed up where we had spent the past several years as a couple in a league in front of the many people we had known, told me he had walked all the way out there just to see me, I gave him a ride home and he asked if he could just come into my house telling me how he's never been so unhappy in his entire life, his life sucked, he wished he was dead, always loved me and still did, had to think about what he had done every day, how he missed my family so much and how they must be so disappointed in him. We danced, we kissed, but when he asked me if he could just stay that he wouldn't try anything that he was just having such a good time being with me, I wouldn't let him stay. When he left to walk home 1 block away from me, he sent me a text saying I'm sorry you're not attracted to me. I responded with what are you talking about, I was always attracted to you and proud that you were mine that brought me to The Path Forward. I received a text from him the very next morning saying, I am sorry for all the things I did wrong, but I need to move forward and so do you. I wish you happiness in your future. I thought OMG what kind of a person does that; stalks you, shows up in front of at least 60 people that you know, cries in front of them and then the next morning tells you he wishes you happiness in you future?

I have read and read and re-read this site over and over. I have read and read and re-read old journals, thinking OMG red flags all over the place at least every couple years. Now it all makes sense, he's sick and he can't change.

I thought I've come so far; I'm bullet proof now. I ignored the hoovers after that, I ignored it when he had to wash his truck one block away from me a couple months ago when I was washing my car, I ignored him when he saw me in a bar, followed me to the bathroom; I ignored him, left and then he texted, called and was outside my bedroom window. When I overheard he was seen going into a hotel room with some large, rather homely older women a couple months ago; I laughed and thought WOW, you've really hit rock bottom.

But then WHAM, something I didn't expect happened in November. There has only been one person in my life that I ever said I can't stand her, she's such a fake and you guessed it, guess who my ex-n is dating now? I can't stand it, I am obsessing again like I was in the beginning. She was told to stay away from him from a mutual friend; that he was no good, what he had done to me and how people were coming out of the woodwork when we split up telling me how he cheated all the time when he was working out of town, a now ex-friend of his told me how he caught him with his fiance that he was hiding in the closet at her apartment, and the list goes on and on, but apparently he told her he hadn't been happy with me for a long time, that we never really had a connection.

I thought I was making so much progress, but I don't know why I'm obsessing again and I'm so disappointed in myself. I'm thinking maybe this will work with her, as she too is a narcissist. And, I truly don't want him back. I thought I was at the point of indifference. Why, when I should know better, is this bothering me so much?