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I'm so confused...

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#1 Jun 12 - 3PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

I'm so confused...

I've posted my story...but after reading through everything I still feel like in my head I'm trying to criminalize him because it makes me feel better for getting dumped. Sure he's said/done some horrible things- but there is so many aspects of him that don't fit certain N descriptions. He never asked for more attention, or withheld sex from me, or told me what and who I could hangout with.

If anything I was the one always wanting more attention. I was the one telling him to spend more time with me and not his friends/family. I was constantly accusing him of cheating.

I need help sorting all of this out. I feel like I am losing my mind...

Jun 15 - 8AM
Scoop
Scoop's picture

I had a Irish friend , a

I had a Irish friend , a very wise woman and she told me something that has stayed with me she said " when something doesnt make sence then 9 times out of ten somethings wrong "... see i think that our trouble comes from trying to put our normal selves in his shoes , we say things like "what we we do in this situation " and we come up with a responce that satisfies us and then we match it with how the narc acted and its so way off that we try a diffrent angle "ok well i might have done this " dose that match with how he acted ... nope still way off , i dont know about you guys but its trying to fit that square peg into a round hole that drives me crazy . He acted how he did because he is disordered , "when something dosent make sence there is something wrong " This i think takes time to sink in .. i think i am getting there , each day i have another "ahh" monent. but i do still get days when i think "maybe i was too needy " etc but they are getting fewer .... i have an exsample of how they twist things that play with youre mind .. i hurt my back and i was in such pain that just moving was impossible with out help , my narc stayed and helped me for 3 days he was the perfect boyfriend and i was thinking how lovely to be looked after .... because i thought he was looking after me right ... a few weeks later he spoke about the time i hurt my back and he said "that time when i waited on you " ... do you see the subtle twist "look after vs waited apon ". when you live with this day in day out it does something to your sence of reality . .. Time and nc gets reality back .. and then just wate for the anger ..Holy mother the anger ! lol but seriously when the anger starts it means you are moving on from self doubt, i cant really think that i would ever say anger was a welcome emotion but in this unique case it is . Big love Scoop x
Jun 15 - 3PM (Reply to #7)
Steph
Steph's picture

" when something doesnt make

" when something doesnt make sence then 9 times out of ten somethings wrong" Thanks for sharing that. Love it!
Jun 12 - 3PM
sarah787
sarah787's picture

One more thing..

Since he's dumped me..4 months ago...i've always contacted him. He NEVER contacted me. So many people on here say their N's chase after them. I'm finally at 30 days of NC...I handed over all my dignity because I thought our breakup was another "fake one..." he couldn't possibly break up with me the day after my young cousin died!? I had problems not contacting him, but I'm finally staying strong...it's just embarrassing he dropped me so quickly after telling me how he wanted to marry me everyday.
Jun 12 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

No Confusion

Sorry to tell you but he's got another woman! This is why you have not heard from him. Obviously you two were on & off -- he's been lining up new supply. If new woman does not work out, he'll be back. I hope you won't be there.
Jun 13 - 12AM (Reply to #5)
ollie
ollie's picture

how do we know it is always

how do we know it is always another women? for some reason it just dawned on me, I always thought I was his first affair the first person he had been with since he married, ha, as he told me, i never doubted it, but constantly sickenly question it now, WTF, never had a doubt, my naive trusting way, and he seemed so convincing, even right down to the sex which seemed very high school-
Jun 12 - 6PM (Reply to #3)
ACgirl
ACgirl's picture

I don't think Ns have to fit

I don't think Ns have to fit every red flag. My N would tell me he loved me one day and wanted me forever, then a few days later he was off with another women. He would then call, say he was sorry, and that he was terrified of loosing me, then.....be with someone the next night. My N didn't hog the conversation or question who I spent time with either. My N didn't care about his clothes at all like other Ns, but my guy was ABSOLUTELY a narc. He double messaged me, that was my first clue. Yes, he left me (for the 6th time at least, we call it D&D) when my mother was very ill. Then he did every other red flag and made my life toxic. Yes I miss him, yes I still love him, yes it still hurts. So, you should perhaps read some more and decide for yourself. It is very painful the realization. I'm so sorry for your hurt and pain. We have all been there. So, be strong. You deserve better.
Jun 12 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
Barbara (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

ACGirl

They don't just a couple should be enough to send you screaming into the street and running for your life... ...if you look for a loophole like "he doesn't have every one" you are taking your life & soul into your hands... not good