I'm ready to go NC--please help me through this :=(

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Apr 12 - 7AM (Reply to #40)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Yes!...I am currently 5 days

Yes!...I am currently 5 days NC and feeling strong about it. I get so much strength from sharing and being here. So stay close and when you feel like reaching out for narc....please reach out here and we'll be here for you :) ~KG
Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #41)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

KG

CONGRATS ON DAY 5!
Apr 12 - 12PM (Reply to #42)
kgirl
kgirl's picture

Thank YOU :)

Thank YOU :)
Apr 11 - 10PM
Steph
Steph's picture

deidre

I'm going to be honest ant tell ya, I actually didn't read the whole description of his latets antics. Sorry:) He just pisses me off so much in how he treats and manipulates you.....that when I read it I want to punch his face in. So you're ready to go NC? and that makes me so HAPPY!!!! You deserve SO much better. I think you are taking that first, difficult step to finding a healthier life for you. So proud of you! Keep posting and "getting it out" We're here for you:) xoxo
Apr 12 - 4AM (Reply to #36)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

staying strong

I'm ready baby! lol Just woke up and going to get ready for work...got two texts from him...I didn't realize I left my phone on all night. So when I woke up...boom there they were. First one...typical...good morning. But, verrrry flat...no i love you. The other...''so ...no reply to last night's text???????"
Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #37)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

GOOD LUCK DIEDRE!!!

That was a great first response to the first "hoover" as now since you've made a decision it's all a hoover whatever he does. Question: Can you block his number from your phone? If so, I suggest you do that. Or, mabye the celly company can do it for you. He might get wise and call from a different number. DO NOT accept anonymous calls and/or calls from numbers you can't identify. Hugs!
Apr 11 - 9PM
emptyecho
emptyecho's picture

stay strong

it gets easier. you can change your brain, you can grow, you can heal.
Apr 11 - 9PM
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Deidre

I am so glad you are going No Contact. This man does NOT deserve you! Not at all. Be done with him for good. I love what you said: "No. I love you doesn't cut it anymore. He loves himself. I am DONE" "I love you" does not cut it anymore is right! Words mean nothing! Actions say everything. Observe his actions, not his words! You can do this, Deidre! Stay strong and be done with him for good. He doesn't deserve you!!!! xoxo
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #31)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

No he doesn't, Lisa! And

No he doesn't, Lisa! And what's really ironic? Aaaaallll day...not one I love you. Remember my thread from this morning? Suddenly...I love you shows up in this text tonight....after the fight. What a shock. I have his number. And I'm gonna lose it! :P I am done. I honestly don't care how he feels. Oh, he told me that tonight. ''Dee...you are a liar, and don't care about my feelings.'' All because I reactivated my profile on this website we belong to. haha Are you kidding? Meanwhile. He is posing in his underwear on this site. (he has a nice body) hahaha All about control. It will only get worse. I even think he uttered...''If you ever bring this up again, I'm ending things.'' So...all he wanted this weekend...all those panicked texts and voicemails...were about losing control. Not me. Because if it were about me...he'd be kissing my ass! Not treating me like shit. So, it's all about control. Reeling me back in. Then, slamming me down. Telling me he doesn't want to lose me...sniffle...sob...all choked up...then...bam! Slam me down. I pray he gets help. I don't think he ever will though.
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #32)
Lisa E. Scott
Lisa E. Scott's picture

Deidre

Of course! He couldn't get a reaction from you so he pulled out the "I love you" in a text tonight. Ignore him! Do not respond. Total indifference is the only way to respond to him. You are right: "It's all about control. Reeling me back in. Then, slamming me down. Telling me he doesn't want to lose me...sniffle...sob...all choked up...then...bam! Slam me down." The love the push/pull! They get off on it. They love frustrating us and confusing us. They are sick, twisted and sadistic. Stay strong, D!!! You know what to do! xoxo
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #33)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Total NC!! I know I have

Total NC!! I know I have waivered...but when he toyed with me about ''appearing single'' on FB...I thought how much more do I need to see. My friend said...does he need to get on a plane...come to see you and punch you in the face? Maybe then you'll leave? Ouch. But, she's right. Being punched might be easier...I always told myself if a man ever hits me, I'm out. But, then I see women who stay. And I think...maybe it's just like what we all go through. They apologize. You are scared. You stay. I no longer judge battered women. Because my emotions have been battered...I see how that can escalate to physical stuff from the man. Ugh. I have let my life be on hold for far too long. Just wanted to correct the thing about when he said the sweaty comment. It was before we got into the fight. lol When he is in fight mode...he says nothing nice. He said...You know what? I'm goin to bed Dee...so, if you want to post nude pics of yourself on the site...go ahead.'' hahaha I have never posted anything remotely sexy on that site! Everything has been athletic. Again. Meanwhile. He is posing in his underwear. hahahaha I can't wait to go a whole day NC. It will be empowering. I need just one day under my belt. And I'm hopeful, the rest of the week will get easier.
Apr 11 - 8PM
Luci
Luci's picture

Be strong

You need all the strength in the world to do this. I have just started 3 weeks ago. I started sleeping in another room because he was calling me names. This is when I found out about NPD. Last week he changed his FB staus to complicated, it was set as married at my request after we got back together after he had an affair. So I accepted his relationship request and said nothing. SILENCE IS GOLDEN. So on Friday night he said it feels like it's over and I said really calmly yes it does. I really can't believe how calm I was! Then he said well I better do some thinking of my own and went to bed and I wondered all night what tomorrow would bring. The next morning he went to the shops and came back with flowers and said he was sorry for what he did and that he made a really big mistake. I said nothing. About the name calling. He said I was reading way too much into it and was just looking for something to fight about. I am not fighting I am leaving. So please DON"T LISTEN TO THE CONTENT OF WHAT HE SAYS...It's all lies. He will do anything to get to you. You need to change yourself, Get in touch with yourself and do some healing work. BE STRONG....Physically and mentally get into a safe place in your mind so he can't get in your head.Good luck
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #29)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Luci

I am so sorry you are going through this and I know it does little to keep your MS under control, I have FMS and CFS and after finally getting past all the emotional stuff, I think the adrenaline masked some of the things, I have been having such a crash now physically it's not funny...it just goes on and on. Use this board to get it out, you can release the stress here along with the other supports you have in place as you know with these illnesses the slightest stress can take you down and you need all the strength you can muster. Hugs!
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #26)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Luci

Oh my gosh...reading your story breaks my heart. Married to this type of man...I might go stark raving mad. I'm not kidding. It's beyond crazy making. It's stunning to me. I'm stunned, as if I'm slapped, every time I speak with him. I find it interesting that your husband changed his status. WTH??? I mean...grow the fuck up. Sorry. Why does he need the world to know your problems? The minute you showed calmness and strength...he ran and got flowers. Gosh...why are they all like this???? I am going to be praying for you...are you getting out of this marriage? Please say yes! I'm not an advocate of divorce...but, sometimes, if your health or sanity is at stake...you have to protect yourself.
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #27)
Luci
Luci's picture

Yes

Yes I am getting out but Im doing it the smart way and slowly because I don't want him angry. My health has not been good. I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis 2 years ago and believe relationship stress is a major cause. I hope my MS will be better once he is gone. I am physically strong and now working on being mentally strong which he won't like,He doesn't know how to push my buttons at the moment so he is trying anything. Thanks so much for your reply :- )
Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #28)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Luci

Oh my gosh, Luci...I'm so sorry to hear this. These idiots should be catering to our needs when ill...and you're catering to his. Ugh. I have no words. I'm praying you get out...soon enough...safe and sound. I wish we were neighbors. I'd take you in right now! {{hugs}}
Apr 11 - 7PM
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

DIEDRE

I am glad you took the first step to decide to go NC. I won't lie, it won't be easy. BUT the number one thing I believe helps us stay NC is when we understand what it is we are dealing with and the abuse we are subjecting ourselves to. You will need supports in place. I note you have a good friend that seems to have given good advice, and you have this board. You may not be able to see it, but this guy is playing games like he's not in Junior High School but in third grade, they're not even mature power play games, and he's sucking you in and in time you will regress to that too! I see where you can clearly indicate where his behaviour is forget narcissistic...if I may...assanine? BUT you are still caught up in a powerplay yourself. The first step I think would be to decide, you're out of the power play game, it just doesn't matter, he can have the darn point, he can be "right" you've decided you're not playing anymore. Can you get there? and we won't just say yes...I want to know why you think you can get there...what you see as the benefits or the reasons why you want to get there despite the temptation to want to from what it looks like...one up him? AND we get caught up in these games sometimes, but we have to be aware when we're getting sucked in. SEE, not only are they abusive, but they have this uncanny ability to kick up other issues we might have, so the other draw is he's giving you some outlet to play that stuff out too and you might not even be aware of it... So, can you identify any patterns as to why, you are giving this guy the edge and actually paying him any mind given his obvious shenaigans which at this point it is evident YOU CAN SEE...?
Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #15)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Yes. I want out of the game--michele

Yes. I want out of the game. I don't want to one up him...Since posting this, I took a hot shower. Calmed down a bit. I am done. Done. Done. Done. He said to me...''if you didn't break up with me, I wouldn't have changed my status...SWEEEETIE.'' The way he said sweetie was scary. I mean...scary. I want this man out of my head. Out of my heart. Out of my life. The only way to stop this madness, is to go NC. I am SO ready. If you love someone, you simply don't talk to them this way. He's absolutely crazy. He's beyond a narc. He's a psychopath...and I can't date such a man any longer. As an aside. And this is somewhat comforting. Is he and I had hot chemistry. When we were together. Well, tonight I called him from the gym, and told him I was sweating from the spin I did. He said...''I remember me getting you sweaty a time or two.'' You know, it grossed me out when he said this to me? I felt nothing. So, it showed me...that perhaps I don't love this man, I'm just attached to him, for all the wrong reasons. I'm inspired to go NC.
Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #16)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

He's absolutely crazy. He's beyond a narc. He's a psychopath...and I can't date such a man any longer. Yes!!! And the manner in which he made that innuendo in the midst of ALL THIS CHAOS! Don't get me wrong, there is time for hot talk...but you guys are in a Major Meltdown. A NON DISORDERED person would not think this is the way to speak during a "crisis" - IF THIS WAS A NORMAL RELATIONSHIP... His speaking to you in that manner is objectifying you... to him you are an object, you have no feelings, or needs or problems, or issues...NO you are not a TOY! NO...that's it...we shut him down today...where's the nearest river and what's your friends number I'll make the call for you...LOL Can you change your number? BLOCK EVERYTHING...no cracks at all...FB, MYspace, EMAIL, telephones, ALL of it...at work - his calls are to be rejected...have them screened...tell me what else you can do to make this iron clad...does he have family's numbers...you put EVERYONE on notice...they do not give info out and they do not tell you under ANY circumstances if they hear from him....he is DELETED and erased....that's it...POOF with your magic wand because YOU have the power...
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #17)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

The good news is...I don't

The good news is...I don't have FB active anymore. (my page is inactive, so that's good) I will block him on yahoo. Michele...how do you cope with feeling sorry for these people? I know. He is nuts! I believe this to be true. My question is...how HAVE you personally coped with such a notion? Of feeling sorry for them? Like, I feel bad that I took him back...and now, I'm going to disappear ... I don't feel all that bad...but I read threads on here where women waiver. There's a reason we take these nuts back. Not because we love them, always. I think because we feel sorry for them....they play on our sympathies. My friend told me to stay strong! He can't reach through the phone and punch you, Dee!
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #18)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

Early on I sensed something was wrong...I was lost in the hurt of cheating FIRST with a woman then later possibly with a man. The woman was out of state...yea, he was using FB...ha! The man, whole other thing, and I was never able to prove it, but the evidence was pretty much there...I found a text message that read from him to the openly gay man: "I guess I must realize we are officially divorced, sorry for all the grief and confusion I've caused you but it's easier to jet than to stick and stay for whatever reason, I'm on a different journey my friend" AND for a few more weeks - he was still very good at keeping my CD in full force and effect. I took off for a month and he had an "issue" with that...I 'abandoned' him...didn't matter I was losing my mind in a state of psychosis...and evertime I tried to talk, in true narc fashion..."That's in the past move forward" I never got closure, there was never any remorse even about the FB Hottie, and I did alot to save this man's behind...so I thought I at least deserved that. Unbenownst to me, while he starts talking..."When you get back we'll go to church and counseling I want to do that blah, blah, blah, he was getting new supply in another woman who he moved in to his apartment a month and a half later...mind you we were living together... I didn't find out about the woman until later, but as I got on this board and learned about the illness and went through some very tuff episodes with PTSD...I reasoned.... You know what...this S.O.B. does not give a crap. He lacks empathy, he is emotionally dead...he is a zombie...and the truth is, while i wasn't suicidal, that kind of pain and stress could have made me that way, and I don't even think if I did off myself he's shed a damn tear...he might show up...cause it would be good attention, but he'd go right on walking not missing a beat. Some time passed, I still had the CD...still in denial about the possible gay thing and you know that isn't even the big issue for me BUT trust me it wasn't a joy wondering if my AIDS test was gonna be positive as I made my way to the Health Station and sat amongst a group of teenagers looking to score free condoms...which I went that route because I was soooooo worried they were the only place I could just walk into NEXT DAY and get tested....I couldn't even wait for a doc to schedule an appointment...I was planning my funeral the night before... It was just thing after thing and at one point, I thought he might be bipolar...he had tagged me with that and so I said..."AHA - projection - he's bipolar...or borderline or whatever...but you know after a certain point, I just snapped out of it and I was likt Just who the hell does he think he is... I did date down with him...he was beneath me, even if he was normal...I pitied him, I wanted to "help" him, he played the victim card. BUT see, these cats, they know how to survive, they know how to suck dry any woman, deplete them use them up and toss them to the curb like roadkill...that behaviour to me does not deserve sympathy...because they are dangerous. HATE - no you don't have to hate them...they are "sick" but they will chew you up and spit you out and not have a second thought about it. Someone used the analogy long ago when I was early in my recovery because I still had that "sympathy" thing...OH the doctors don't want to treat them...poor poor narcs, they're sick and they're people too... Well, the person said...it's like a racccon trapped in a cage, they are God's creatures, but you don't go near the cage, and you don't even put your hand near it. AND she was right. So I don't hate, I'm not angry...you have to go through all the stages....I have an angry letter post above...the anger is a very natural part of it, and don't suppress your feelings... BUT they are users, abusers, manipulators, con artists and they enjoy treating you like an object....you are a tool...you are not a human with feelings to them...you are a thing. A thing, that to them only serves one purpose...to feed them as they abuse YOU. Hugs.
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #19)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

I'm so sorry michele. I don't

I'm so sorry michele. I don't think I knew your story. {{{hugs}}} Gosh...what a mess!! You know...I'm sympathetic. I try to be compassionate. But, when someone DELIBERATELY wants to hurt me? And I catch on to that? It's over. I think that is what clicked tonight. And Friday night, when I broke up with him. He WANTS to hurt me. For whatever his reasons are. Here's something...he was telling me a story today about his mom. He left money for her to pay bills, etc while he's away on this project. Well, she paid things 'she shouldn't have.' Oh, did I tell you guys he's on steroids? hahaha I forgot to share that. lol My friend thinks that's part of his problem. He's a jerk enough, but steroids will make a man more aggressive. Anywho. He was mad that he doesn't have the money to pay his doc for the steroid injections. He told me...''Dee, she and I got into it...and I had to get off the phone.'' I said...''what did you tell her?'' He said...''I said...I can't talk with you anymore, or I'm going to say something I'll regret.'' haha To his own mom. So he is an equal opportunity narc. I said...''you should be grateful. You at least still have your mom. I haven't had a mom since I was a kid.'' He said...''you're right Dee.'' haha Yep. I am right, but you won't change. I am excited to go NC. I know this will be hard. I am not vascillating though. I need to let this man go. He is trouble. I do feel sad that he is so disturbed. Don't know what's made him so depraved. :=( I really don't. He sounds like he has a very nice family. But, I think his mom allowed this boy to talk to her in any way he pleases. And that behavior goes onto other women. I'm crying...just because it's all so sad. Sad story.
Apr 11 - 9PM (Reply to #20)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

I do understand it is sad for you because you feel empathy and compassion despite what he's doing to you. But you can detach by understanding...none of those feelings will be reciprocated and he will chew you up and spit you out. AND before you love anyone, you have to love yourself first and it is in protecting yourself first that you are showing you love yourself...which in time will allow you to one day meet someone healthy. Compassion is nice, empathy all of that but when in the target of danger, our first responsibility is to ourselves. Hugs!
Apr 11 - 10PM (Reply to #21)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

michele

I love how you put that michele. That to love ourselves means protecting ourselves. Exactly. If I keep going back, what does that say about how I view myself? Plus...this will enable me to conquer my childhood demons...once and for all. I have carried that crap from being abused as a kid far too long. Why am I reliving this with men? I think because it's familiar. It's easy to believe when someone calls me bad. I don't WANT to believe it. I know I'm not 'bad.' But, it's easy to hear...because I heard it so much in my formidable years. I can't thank you enough for helping me tonight, michele. Tomorrow...day #1 of NC. WISH ME LUCK!!
Apr 11 - 11PM (Reply to #22)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I am rooting for you...

And those demons...what is in your head about who you are because of those demons...they're all lies and part of the journey - in fact the whole journey is getting to the real you. At 43 I had that journey...my head was full of LIES...and I wasted a lot of time... But I ain't dead yet and life isn't over....this can be a real breakthrough for you Diedre... Hugs!
Apr 12 - 5AM (Reply to #23)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

michele

omg...yes! I agree. All these years, I've had a tape playing in my head...from how my brother in law treated me after my parents died. So, I ended up fearing loss (from their deaths) and fearing being my own person (because he never let me be and told me how bad I was) Today? The tape is being removed. At 40! I'm going to write a new script. And by not allowing narcs and psychopaths (literally) into my life...that tape will be filled with positives. I have to admit. I didn't sleep well. My heart is racing. But, I'm sticking to this...come hell or high water. I won't ever speak to this man again. Not out of meanness. Out of kindness...FOR ME. I am liking having control back. Can't BELIEVE I gave it away.
Apr 12 - 10AM (Reply to #24)
michele115 (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

Diedre

I'm telling you as bad as this relationship and the disaster of its ending was...it in a way has been my ticket to liberation. AND it will also help us be aware of what we're doing with our own kids, as we tend to repeat certain patterns even unaware. So much awareness will manifest, you'll be scared of YOU but in a GOOD way. Hugs!
Apr 11 - 7PM
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

Let me add...he has a deep

Let me add...he has a deep voice...and when he said all this, it was like in a grizzly mean mean way. You reap what you sow, Dee. How ironic coming from an asshole. Please help me. I want out of this so badly. I want my life back again. I want peace again.
Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #2)
Jewwell
Jewwell's picture

Last word

He wants to have the last word. Let him have it. YOU ARE DONE!!!! He's NUTS!!!!
Apr 11 - 8PM (Reply to #3)
Deidre40
Deidre40's picture

hahaha that made me

hahaha that made me laugh...HE'S NUTS!!! I needed a laugh. He is nuts. He is not a narc...he's WAY BEYOND that. He makes narcs look like choir boys. I just pray he doesn't try to find me. My friend doesn't think he will. But...ok. I'm not waivering. But, suppose tomorrow, he changes his FB status...and he is angry that he changed his status...and now I'm not speaking to him anymore? hahaha I can see you all rolling your eyes! I should not feel bad, right? That he went from 'in a relationship' to 'single' to 'in a relationship' to single again? He said...''this is going to look embarassing for me Dee...when I change things back to in a relationship. Would it make you happy if I changed it?'' I said...''I shouldn't have to answer that.'' I get that he changed his status. I totally do. But, what I don't get...is now that we're back together, why fight me on changing it back? It might be a matter of time before the asshole started to cheat on me. He said he's not a cheater. Yeah...and I also thought he was a good man once upon a time.