I'm not crazy; I ignored my intuition and tried to make sense of all the lies

Hi All,
I've been reading this forum for some time now and feel it's time to share and rebuild after all the confusing mess of the last few years.

The final discard from my ex-boyfriend happened when I finally started listening to my intuition and began questioning the random lies and exaggerations. One morning after buying me flowers and going on about how he couldn't wait for us to be finally married (He had proposed many times but never got as far as the "perfect proposal" he wanted to make before he accepted my answer of yes), I questioned him for trying to hide that he was messaging a woman from work...within a couple of hours I became the horrible girlfriend who had been making him miserable for a week(?!). He cried, saying he just couldn't cope with my unhappiness any longer. He needed to be "selfish for a change" and I needed to accept that we could never be friends again. In my state of shock I begged for him to slow down and talk to me, he told me that there was no point as "you can't change who you are". I was completely and utterly floored. He promised that I would get the money he owed me as soon as possible but that I would have to move out that day because I was too difficult to be around. I was in shock and felt so guilty that I hadn't realised how much I had been hurting the amazing man that I had fallen in love with and who had been desperate to get married and have children with me.

Silent treatment and hearing further lies and drama from a distance gave me the space I needed to finally start seeing all the odd behaviour and patterns that had played out during our relationship...and made me realise how disrespected and unwell I had been feeling with constant worry and feeling drained. I'd begun to worry that I was losing my mind as something didn't feel right but he always told me that it was me overthinking things. I'd ignored myself and all the red flags which were too many to count now. I'd convinced myself that I'd been happy, friends had told me how in love with me this man was and he kept telling my friends and family his hopes and plans for our future. He had no friends, and I tried to encourage him to see people and his family. Although there seemed to be odd relationships between him and his family too. He would ignore them and be dismissive of them then suddenly start paying them attention when he wanted something from them. He'd blamed me when he ended our relationship for him not seeing his friends and family- something else I had accepted blame for in the last discard.

We've had to have very limited contact because he still owes me money. I also hear about him a lot through people who know him despite asking them not to but most of it turns out to be lies and more lies. He's tried to make casual friendly contact through work a couple of times but as I've ignored him and haven't chased him like I have before I think he has the message that I'm not available to him to pick up again like he has before.

I found out recently that he's in a new relationship and it knocked me into worrying again that he was right about everything he said about me not being able to have a relationship and him being the victim of my supposed unfair treatment of him. He always seems so charming and reasonable, laid back and self assured. We both work in the caring profession and I sometimes think how can a man like that work with other professionals and get away with the ridiculous lies. I've questioned and worried about what people now think of me, but also how I now feel about myself. This recent setback has made me even more determined to move on healthily. The counselling is also helping me to look at my relationship with my parents and others.

Reading "The Path Forward" and this forum, talking to friends and starting counselling are helping me feel reassured and validated but it's difficult to trust the reassurance that I try to give myself. I'm trying to like me again and enjoy my own achievements. I've discovered through therapy that I find it hard to express my anger about this relationship- I could never get angry with him in the relationship because he would quickly become a victim even when he had treated me badly. If I got angry and upset- he would say I was overreacting, overanalysing, finding problems because I was unable to just be happy...

I just wanted to say hi really as I feel it's time to start sharing and making my life about me again and no longer about him. I wasn't going to say this much yet but it just kind of came out. I finally feel the beginnings of hope after all this and I want to be able to start trusting myself again.
FM