i'm juste feeling terrible after that one sentence

from my x husband. now all day i could feel my mind being raped by him. i wante dto post my story so that you ladies could help me. how is it that he could have done this to me (bellow) and can still make me feel bad about not making a phone call for him?

I was a very young 27 when my soon to be X husband saw a poster of me at a local restaurant. I'm a belly dancer. He contacted me on myspace asking if I needed a 'drummer for my shows'. I was with someone at the time. I had only had the one serious relationship and we had been together since i was 18. He was 41.
When I met him I was instantly attracted in a uncomfortable way. I have serious daddy issues anyway, and he had that piercing 'psychopathic stare' down like a mother... He's a good looking man, and was especially good looking to me. He also happens to be a f-ing attorney. I remember feeling stung. Like I couldn't move. I felt instantly uncomfortable around him, yet desperate to please him. I remember thinking he seemed like the type of person who would kill you and chop you up into pieces and refridgerate you.
As I danced that first night I felt his reptile eyes on hips and I was so damn unfortable and turned on....
We started having him over for dinner and he would drum and I would dance. He even was teaching my lover to drum. One time he called me in the middle of the night and told me about his psychotic X who was a famous singer (type?) and about how he posted ads online looking for a 18-25 year old girl to spoil and had sadistic sex with a 21 year old girl and gave her money and presents. He thought it was funny. He also told me about getting a blow job through a window down town by a drunk college girl. I guess it all seemed so exciting and funny to me. I was SO inexperienced. Here was the good looking lawyer drummer paying attention to ME. WOW.
My X and I broke up a few months later (not because of my husband and we are now best friends, by the way). I was heartbroken. This was the love of my youth. I wrote the N an email telling him (he wa sout of town at the time) his words were 'if he won't have you, I will'. Here I was, this pretty, young woman who had been basically taken care of and had no work experience. I helped some with my X, but I was mostly a housewife type and I was VULNERABLE as hell.
My X begged me to stay away, not to move in. I started seeing red flags right away. He would tell me to make him breakfast then pick at it. say it wasn't good. I was so eager to please him, fawned all over him. He used to stare at 13 year old girls, make comments when we went skating about how we were in a 'child mollester's paradise', flirted with our 18 year old waitresses, constantly put me down but never OVERTLY. He liked to go to these pagan festivals. It was fine with me, except there were alot of naked women, and some were underage. At this point I didn't know what to think....
At one point we got into it over him talking, yet again, to one of his x girlfriends. I left the house and stayed in a hotel room, instead of calling to try to work it out i got DDed. He put an ad on craigsist looking for someone to take skiing, and took all of my pictures down from the office. It was like I never existed. I came home and aske dhim if he wanted to work it out. We did. Another time before we got married we got into a fight and he spend his birthday at a strip club. I walked in and my heart was totally broken.
I didn't think it was weird to call him daddy in bed, until one time when he put his hand over my mouth and said 'don't tell mommy'. He referred to his x's as 'the mommy', 'the stripper', the japanese girl with big t*ts, the crazy actress... Here I was, the belly dancer? The daughter? gross...
The worste part of it was how I loved it. Going to bars, drinking, being a horrible person. I even went to strip clubs with him. You guys, it feels good to take a break from being the kind, moralistic people we are, doesn't it? HURT HURTS. He wanted me all to himself. Right away. I told him I wouldn't move in with him unless we were engaged. At this point I realised how difficult it was to have a conversation with him. I used to cry sometimes and just say things like 'you don't really love me', or 'youre going to leave me someday'. I knew. When he met my parents, instead of saying 'I'll take care of your daughter', he said 'She's ok, she just needs training. Like cooking and cleaning'.But in a way, I watched my back. I asked for a big ring and we flew off to houston to buy it (weren't we SOOOOO fabulous?) and he reluctantly married me.
The agreement was that I would take care of the house, and him, and go to school and he would support me. He resented this arrangement and threw it in my face constantly.
His dog just stares at him. Like he's a god. I know this is how dogs behave, but this dog was really odd. He used to tell me about how when he was a puppy, he was 'so thick headed he had to beat him until his hand hurt'. Most of the time, though, he was a very doting dog parent. It reminded me of my relationship with him. When they treat you really well or do 'nice things' for you, it's easier when you ruin a perfectly good evening by having a feeling to punsih you by not talking to you for days. I realize i'm skipping around here, but one good example would be a particular valentine's day where we stayed at a cool little place for a ski trip. I dont remember exactly what i did that caused a fight, but he left me there, in a strange city and went drinking all night, wouldn;t answer his phone and when i finally found him at 2 am walking back to the room, he accepted a ride from me, then locked me out of the room while i sat there crying all night begging him to forgive me and let me in. the next day he said he didnt love me and wanted a divorce (of course he never did actually leave that time. I managed to beg him to stay.)
At our wedding,he showed up ten minutes late. He refused to look at me during the whole reception... All of his friends and my family were completely confused. Everyone felt sorry for me. He said he 'was stressed out because he didnt get to plan it, and had no say in it'. When i asked him to help me he got stressed out and told me to take some responsibility. My mom and i planned ofr months, it was so perfect, and i was crushed all night. Then, we go to our room and he immediately took his ring off. Once he put it back on we went to sleep without having sex.
On our way to out fabulous moneymoon in alaska, he still wouldn't look at me. I felt so self concious. There was a movie with a pretty teenager and he just stared at it the whole way on the plane, without the sound. Never making eye contact with me. Our honeymoon was weird. he said he was mad at me because he didn;t get to go backpacking. denali was closed and it was mosquito season. I just thought we woudl spend those two weeks being close, having sex, ordering room service whatever. we did go out to some really cool places, but mostly I just remember looking around me and seeing alot of old people holding hands and wondering where my husband was. he was off in his own world being angry at me.
When we got home, he started pressuring me to go to these pagan gatherings more. One time we got into a fight and he went without me to one. He didn't tell me. It was during one of his usual not talking to me for 7 days at a time things. I suspected and drove to it. I saw his vehicle and went inside. He was talking to a pretty 18 year old who was constantly bearing her breasts. Wehn we got home that night I tried ot come on to him, he pushed me away. Later that night I caught him jacking off on the couch... Wonder what he was thinking about...
There are so many things.... I can;t possibly name them all. I got constantly put down, overlooked and hurt. But, there were times when he was nice to me, which made it more confusing. He left me in hotels, airports, downtown, in strange cities on 'vacations', posted personal ads on craigslist, and looked at days an days of porn while i was visiting family. All when he was 'mad' at me. Even after I found those things out, i begged him not to leave me...
One night I was tipsy and coming onto him. He was mad at me about something, as usual, and he pushed me off of him. Then he locked himself in a room. I was so hurt from being pushed away I tried to kick in the door and made a hole in it. He opened the door and had a belt in his hand. He pointed to it (like you would to a dog) and said, you see that? then he proceeded ot beat me with a belt for hours. I can't really remember how long. I just remember crying and going up to him and syaing how can you do this to me and him beating me with all his might. The next day my friend forced me to go to an attorney. I never filed charges. In fact, I begged him not to make it up to me, i tried ot explain to him that after abuse, there is supposed to be a 'honeymoon' period! He kind of got it and bought me an expensive back pack.
There really wasn't a honeymoon period, though.
Three months later I was still covered in bruises when i started my first day of college. He took me to lunch my first day of school. While we were sitting at lunch he said 'let's pretend I'm your daddy and your 18'. This was a common request, and at this point I was used to his obsession with co-eds. I didnt say anything. He took me to the school bookstore, bought my books and dropped me off looking sorry for me. Where Ilive it's still hot when the semester starts and I couldn't wear long sleeves. I was covered in bruises from head to toe. I had bruises from the belt on my arms, kidneys, legs and hips. I must have had 60 lashes.
I was not permitted to cry. He said I was ruining his day when I did and would make fun of me and say things like ;why don;t you call one of your friends who care, or 'call your therapist'
I was pregnant for three months, during which I was sad and moody. Sometimes, he would be so mean to me because he didn;t like how unpleasant i was and i would have to spend a few days at a friends house. he never called to see if i was ok or where i was. he didn't care.
He pushed me three times while i was pregnant to where I fell onto the ground. I think all three times I was trying to stop him from leeaving me. I never knew when he would come back when he left and he never answered his phone. He said he 'didn't owe me anything'.
I lost the child. He seemed sad and looked like he felt sorry for me while I bled out pieces of our three month old fetus. Then two days later when I was sad and grumpy he said 'well, i guess things are just going to go right back to how they were, huh? we're going to start fighting again' I was like, can I please just have a few days to feel bad while I see little hands bleed out of my vagina? NO.
things never got better. ever. he was so mean to me. he expected me to do everything for him, and then he resented me for not working. Now that he has left me, but still supports me financially because we are in the middle of a divorce, i realise how drained, depleted, and sad I was. All of my friends are so glad I'm away form him. They say they had forgotten why they liked me in the first place. I had become empty, like him.
I'm leaving out alot of details because there are so, so many. But the general idea is that we have been sepperated for 5 months and are divorcing. After all of this, he abandoned me. The bad thing is, he did bring me flowers, he did take me to nice places and babby me. But only if I was 'good'. I got so insanely jealous and afraid towards the end. I put a keylogger on his computer, I checked his email. everything scared me. I was threatened by every female. I couldnt stand to go anywhere with him. I hated life.
I'm leaving out alot of details because there are so, so many. But the general idea is that we have been sepperated for 5 months and are divorcing. After all of this, he abandoned me.
I was CRAZY jealous, it's true. I spied on him, I was threatened by ever female. I didn't want to leave the house with him. I put a keylogger on his computer and checked his emails....I did spend some of his money trying to heal my heart (although I didn't spend that much because I got an 'allowance')
I'm trying to get better now and i do feel better but someonetimes, like today i just get completely overwhelmed and i can feel his presence in my mind, just from that one email.... that one sentence 'that's why i divorced you' that he sent me today (see earlier post)
I feel really yucky tonight