I'm growing so tired of this rollercoaster, someone help me get off

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#1 Oct 11 - 1PM

jaycee

I'm growing so tired of this rollercoaster, someone help me get off

I'm growing so tired of this rollercoaster ride with my hN, If only I had known I was going to be laid off from my full time job, if only I had known how difficult it would be to rid myself of this toxic monster, if only I had known about NPD, or even had a clue as to it, if only.........I would not be stuck on this fn rollercoaster, Im so so so tired, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Im so tired of knowing the truth and accepting what is, but still feeling such utter and overwhelming pain. Why can't I just move on, as if he never existed, why can't I be as coldhearted and cruel as he. Why can't I walk out the door and find someone else. It has been so easy for him to find ow for the last twenty four years, yet, I can't find a soul to even have companionship, yes, I know, I dont go out, i don't have a job where I could meet someone, but still, its so unfair. I want a life again, I want to live happily with myself and my daughter and not feel the pain of him discarding my, disrespecting me, forcing me to throw him out. I hate it, Ive always hated rollercoasters, but moreso now........I wish someone could come here, take my hand and get me off this damn rollercoaster, but unfortunately, only I can do that, and for some reason, I can't. I don't and have very few options right now.........He promised (he lied) and said he would be on his own before the holidays, guess what, no sign of that, Thanksgiving is next month.......If only he would do one thing hes ever said he'd do, that would be what I would wish, he could be on his own, and when his daughter needs him, at anytime day or night, he could be there for her, he would actually be able to answer the phone to her and let her know hes there, when her problems are so overwheming for me, she could call him and stay the night with him.......oh, how selfish of me to want someone to parent their own child, I must be a narc......lol...........I want off.............Jaycee

#2 Oct 13 - 11PM

almostlydia

The only person that can get

The only person that can get you off this rollercoaster is you. We can only tell you as much as you want to hear. But in the end it is you that must accept the reality of a relationship that will never be. The road off the rollercoaster is acceptance of what it is. almostlydia

almostlydia

#3 Oct 12 - 10AM

jaycee

oh im so tired again today

Im so tired again today, so tired of this damn rollercoaster, I wish I could jump off and forget i was ever on it. so tired of his lies and his manipulation, so tired of dealing with all the problems here, while hes off enjoying his vacation from his family, once again, he had the nerve to say to me, i cant wait to be on my own, this girl is my last hoorah, im done, im going to be a single man for the rest of my life. who's he kidding, and the balls to say that to his wife, she's his last hoorah, whats this a joke. i know, he knows, he will never change, he must be bored over there and sick of it, and prowling for something new, the whore and the other two must not be giving him his needed supply and its making him think he can find more if hes on his own. whos he kidding he needs a homebase, he could never live alone, it would make him crazy, not twenty four seven supply, please........hes never lived alone, ever......he goes from me to the next in the blink of an eye. but for some reason, he just doesnt care when he discards his family, as if its ok to take a vacation from us and enjoy other supply and enjoy getting what he wants from the whore and the others. so buddy, but your last hoorah, bullshit, you will never have a last hoorah, you dont have the confidence to be on your own, i wish he would stop with his bs and just talk business with me, im tired of his lies and this damn rollercoaster hes on, and pulling me onto as well........i need to get off it........Jaycee

Jaycee

#4 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #24)

terri

Jaycee

I feel your pain - truly I do! I wish I had the perfect words to write here that would lift you to a place where you could feel happy, hopeful, and energized to jump back into life. However, I think the best advice I could give you now would be to take a deep breath and plant your feet firmly on the ground beneath you. You are in one of those dark places that life throws at us all - and unfortunately the only way out of that place is to move THROUGH IT. You have to go slow and steady. You have to realize that the guideposts that you once thought you could rely on and follow are no longer there. You have to find new ones. But you can. Keep looking and they will actually SHOW THEMSELVES to you. But you have to be patient and have faith. I believe that the most important thing you can do now to survive this is to work really hard at shifting your focus. Each day, little by little, try very hard to think less about him and what he's doing - and think MORE about YOU and what YOU'RE doing. It's so hard to do - I know. Journal - write down what you want in your life. Train your mind to be aware of when it (BY HABIT) reverts back to obsessing about him. When you're aware of those obsessions - consciously focus on what you can do to improve your life - make money - improve your home - find something simple to enjoy for just an hour - take a bubble bath - go for a walk - go to a movie (a comedy) - there are so many happy things that have nothing to do with him. Please do one more thing. Shift your perspective. Don't think of this as an "ending" - think of it as "beginning" for you - the next chapter in your life story. Trust me, the chapters get better. They become more appropriate to who you've become and will become as you move forward. Here's a possible title for this new chapter: MY TURN. I wish I could reach out and hug you now because I know that is sometimes all it takes to take the next step today. You are on my mind and I'm sending you wonderful, strong, happy thoughts.

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#5 Oct 12 - 11AM (Reply to #25)

jaycee

thank you teri for your support and beautiful words, i wish i could reach the next phase but i am stuck, i know what he is and i know i would never take him back, but i just feel stuck because deep in my heart i want him to be on his own, and not with this whore who tortured me for over two years, shes a pathetic excuse for a human being, a cruel evil bitch, who walks around town holding her head up thinking she won the prize, she got her lover's wife to throw him out, in otherwords, she feels she fought hard enough to win. i just wish she knew what he was all about........he cheats on her lies to her, manipulates her, milks off her, and she still thinks shes all that.......and him, biggest liar on planet earth, doesnt even deserve to exist, because all he does is lie to get what he wants, and destroys the people around him... God, i want off, help me get there Jaycee

Jaycee

#6 Oct 12 - 2PM (Reply to #28)

chickon2

You will get off..

Jaycee.. I have not been involved with anyone as long as you have been with this person.. So what I am about to say, may not be much.. I do know one thing.. I thought I would die when my Ex H left me with 2 babies..( he was normal, not a narc) I didn't know even what bills I had to pay.. NOTHING.. I was like a 1950's house wife with my head in the sand.. I was a mess.. 5 years later, I am better than ever.. So many hobbies, so many friends, 3 jobs yes.. But they are doing what I love.. My children & I get a long great, and even thouh I went to bed many times sooo worried about a million things, so hurt I thought my heart would fall out.. We all made it.. and I would do it all over again, to learn what I have learned .. The affair he had didn't kill me, The divorce didn't kill me, NOTHING killed me.. after been single 5 years and the first person I dated was a narc.. THAT didn't even kill me.. You are stronger than you know.. You will find it, and use it...

#7 Oct 12 - 4PM (Reply to #29)

jaycee

you will get off

thanks chicon, your words are inspiring I just wish I were as strong as you. When my hN did this the first time, my kids were little and i fell to pieces and like a fool I took him back, this time, the second time, i a thousand times harder and my kids are grown, nineteen and twenty one. but for some reason it hurts worse. i guess back then I thought it was his immaturity, didnt even know what narcissism was until a few months ago. now i know why it has been such an overwhelming experience, the marriage the separation, the back together the constant cheating, as mine is a serial cheater as well as a narc, and now throwing him out. no, i would never take him back, but i just want him to leave this evil whore he is with, as she tortured the hell out of me while she was screwing my husband, and he the piece of shit, allowed it and fell into her lies of how she would never have called here, followed me, laughed in my face, etc.....she is a piece of shit as well. im just having a hard time with his lies and the rollercoaster he has had me on for years, this time, the ride is excruciatingly painful and i want off, i pray it ends soon, i cant take much more, but thank you for replying, i appreciate what you said, i hope i find my real strength and use it soon.........xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

#8 Oct 13 - 7AM (Reply to #30)

lisarudi

You know it occurs to me......

that while you feel that you don't have the energy to push off from the dock yet, you can do something while you are waiting. Document, document, document......put together the best darnn case you can for the final dissoultion of marriage. As devastated as I was when I realized my marriage of 21 years was coming to an end, I made certain to find out about ALL our financial assest, liabilities, etc.....I was able to have my entire college degree paid for, he has to buy me a new car (which I'm shopping for right now), pay off the mortgage etc....so...plan, plan, plan, like you never have. Find a good attorney. You can have the upper hand if you are smart about it. Do all this BEFORE you kick him to the curb. Won't he be surprised?!!!!

#9 Oct 13 - 10AM (Reply to #31)

jaycee

you know it occurs to me.........

lisarudi, as devastated as i am, dont worry, i have everything i need in order and i will get all that is coming to me. he will be shocked as shit to know all the info i had collected before i threw him out, im playing nicey nice now, but wait, if he thinks hes paying through the nose now, wait he has no idea. i will get what i deserve one way or another.........thanks, Jaycee

Jaycee

#10 Oct 13 - 9PM (Reply to #33)

lisarudi

Jaycee....

Yay for you!!!!!!! None of us desired these situations, but they don't have to be the end of us do they? Perhaps a beginning instead. Someone told me once that "Lisa, I like you better without xxxx, but I don't like xxxx better without you." I would imagine that you could plug any name on this board in that phrase and it would be true. Keep reading/posting on this forum.....it was my one comfy/safe spot for several months. (((Hugs)) Lisa

#11 Oct 13 - 1PM (Reply to #32)

MsVulcan500

Yeah!

Now that's being smart! I hope he gets all that's coming to him too!! I hope you're having a good day today.

#12 Oct 12 - 2PM (Reply to #26)

Briseis

You're holding on to him

You're holding on to him with all your might, Jaycee. When you respond to posts, I see you express pain and exhaustion . . . and then you start talking about him and her. Do you see yourself doing that? You (and only you) can let go of him. Stop caring. After 24 years of obsessing over him, your "obsessing" and "holding on" muscle is superpower strong. It's like he's become attached to your butt like a wart. Your focus on YOU is also a muscle, and it's gotten weak from lack of use. In fact, I forgot I even HAD such a self focusing muscle. Right after I got free, I had a good friend who would email with me or phone me a lot to support me (she was a Narc survivor). She kept trying to get me to "see myself in five years". I would literally collapse in fear. I could NOT even give her one "dream" I had for myself in five years. I remember thinking "I know I should be able to do this". But I would try, even to write it down in my journal . . . and I couldn't do it. But I could go on and on about HIM. For pages and pages.

#13 Oct 13 - 8PM (Reply to #27)

lisalisa47

Im sorry i have to laugh

at the wart on the butt comment LML

LML

#14 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #23)

wholeagain

Jaycee

as my mom used to tell me, you get what you'll accept. He has the balls to say that to you because you'll listen to him and he knows it. If you want off the rollercoaster, stop listening that is your path to freedom... xoxo

#15 Oct 11 - 3PM

MsVulcan500

Jaycee,

So he said he was going to leave the whore and he's not. What does that have to do with you? Nothing. And, I hate to tell you this, but it has nothing to do with your daughter either. Your daughter is supply for him just like you, the whore, or the random guy in the elevator are. He will call on her only when he is lonely and knows she will jump at the chance to spend time with him. It is not the whore keeping him from his daughter. It is him. And it will not change if he is living alone. He will not then suddenly be available for her day and night (unless he's lonely.) He will not suddenly start being the father she needs him to be. He is not seeing his daughter not because he's not allowed to, but because she is of no use to him right now. My heart cries for her too.

#16 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #18)

jaycee

MsVulcan, thanks for your reply, my heart cries for my daughter deeply. You are right in one sense, if he truly wanted to he would endure anything to see her. When he does come to get her, hes unsettled, my daughter says the whore texts him like hundred times, when he finally took her to her grams last month, the whore called a thousand times, saying he needed to come home she was so sick she needed to go to the hospital, my daughter said he was so unsettled and could hear him fighting with her saying, i really want to spend time with my daughter but if your that sick ill come back, she called back and said never mind, so they cut their trip short, he came back and the whore was out, she was miraculously cured by that evening. he told our daughter in so many words, she doesnt want him to miss his family, so when hes with our daughter, the whore feels he misses his family and gets jealous, nice girl, huh.......and trust me i wouldnt believe him, but my daughter has been witness to it several times. even when they just go to dinner, the whore texts him at least ten times in the hour they are eating. but he needs to grow balls, but that would take effort, and the whore is his convenience right now, he needs her, he has no where else to go. they are both pathetic, but luckily for my daughter she will never have to know the whore, too bad she has to know her looser father........Jaycee

Jaycee

#17 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #19)

Used

jaycee

he should turn his phone off when he is with your daughter...why doesnt he...OH i know b/c he doesnt want to.. i wouldnt even be suprised if he tells her to text him.. so he can give an excuse to leave..

#18 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #20)

jaycee

used, you are probably right, but i also know he doesnt like to fight with her, as she is his bread and butter and if he turned off his phone, she would get suspicious, and God, he cant have that, he has to pretend she is the only one. Jaycee

Jaycee

#19 Oct 12 - 10AM (Reply to #21)

Used

jaycee love

they live to fight....it makes them feel alive... you mustnt believe this...the fact that she put you thru 2years of hell means she is trouble... he loves it... i truly truly wish you could be right away from this low man.and as for her beign his bread and butter.. no she is your bread and butter...so she actually enables him to keep you in his life by him paying your bills...if he didnt pay your bills...then he couldnt have a reason to come to your home... so dont you think she knows this...that is why she is paying his bills...so she is buying him... while he keeps you... she is pathetic... i think you think she knows more than she does....she doesnt... my exh was borrowing money of me while he was living with a woman...saying he couldnt afford his rent... i was keeping myexh,s g/f...trouble is i didnt know that.... i thought he lived in one room in a house... no he was living with her in her house.. and i was helping keep her..

#20 Oct 11 - 3PM

jaycee

thank you for all the great replies

Im so tired, so tired, sometimes i wish i could go to sleep and never wake, but then, i realize, who would loose out, my two children, i am, basically, the only real parent they have and they need me. but, boy is it a struggle, this feels, from all i have heard and read, like coming off heroin, its painful, mentally, emotionally, physically, its exhausting, i just dont want it anymore. I want that one part of me, that is left, to say, i dont give a fuck who hes with, she won, hes all hers, let her have him, i just dont want to give up the fight, not in the sense you are thinking, not, two women fighting over a man, literally, just the fight, too keep him paying all the bills, leaving him with nothing for her, letting him sponge off of her, making him accountable for the damages. i want to fight until i know, they both know, i won, i won what was mine, the hardwork, the house, the kids, the dog, half his pension, half his retirement, every ounce of all his life insurance policies, all the damages monitarily, to belong to me, as if all of you were the jury, and I was the victim of a horrible corporation, and you all decided that i should be awarded the highest amount of damages one can get. she got my husband, he destroyed me and our children, that is the fight i am talking about, i want what all of us deserve, their last dime, let their whores pay their way, but pay through the nose, to your loyal, beautiful, empathetic, compassionate loving wife you sucked the blood out of. that is the fight i cannot give up yet, until it is signed sealed delivered and he continues to be left with less than 100 dollars in his pocket a month, for auto gas and lunch occasionally at work, that is all. when you steal from someone, and get caught you ultimately pay the price, and im damned if both of them dont pay it. and I pray with all my heart and soul, karma kicks them both in the ass as hard as hard can be and soon. Jaycee

Jaycee

#21 Oct 12 - 3PM (Reply to #16)

MovinOnUp

"She won." No, Jaycee. She

"She won." No, Jaycee. She lost. You just can't see that. Karma already kicked him in the ass, and it was your foot that delivered the blow. If it was a movie the title might be "A Foot Named Karma" He cheated on you for years and I'm going to assume you walked around with your head held high. This woman expeneded a lot of energy to win this loser. She will not be quick to show her hand if life isn't quite as peachy with the loser as expected. I'm going to pray that when you are done fighting them, you still have some fight left to rebuild you. Hugs

#22 Oct 11 - 2PM

Scoop

Narc fatigue , its setting

Narc fatigue , its setting in with me too . I have known what he was well over a year ago and then the 6 month hover where i stupidly wennt back to him and that was where the real damage was done , im 7 months out now and i am soooo tired , i never thought it would take so long but .. but when i think back to where i was i have come so far , my goodness , yesterday i stayed out all day and well into the evening with out so much as a thought of him , hand on heart i could have never have done that a few moths ago , so although it is slow it is progress . you have to go nc , there is no other way off the rollacoster . Lord know if there would have been another way i would have taken it .Have faith that nc works , no one who has gone nc for a good while has said they dont feel better , they all say it, better off , briseis , me and our lisa we are speeking the truth here , its so hard especaily when you have no strenght left as the narc has sucked all your energy , but i know how strong you are because you have stayed in narc land for over 20 years , that takes real strenght , i lasted 2 years and it nearly killed me , so if you can just muster just a bit of strenght and go nc you can be free form all this . I likened it to just closing my eyes and stepping off the cliff , it was my only choise .. head down , eyes closed and get through it . Keep strong , im thinking of you tonight xxx

#23 Oct 11 - 2PM

Briseis

You do have the power to get

You do have the power to get off the roller coaster. You can get off the roller coaster even if your exN gets WORSE, more Narckish and nasty and manipulative and all that crap. I said it in another thread last night . . . I think we victims of Narcs and the Narcs themselves have the same problem with power. We just KNOW we are powerless. The Narc knows but is in denial and so goes around throwing his weight to prove that he IS powerful. Our part is to go around and insists and wring our hands at how powerless we are. For me, I simply didn't SEE that I had any power at all. It was right there in my face the whole time but I was blind to it. Jaycee, I think you are just still in that "blind" state. You do have the power, but you just don't "see" it yet. It is there I will bet my next paycheck on it because I am SO sure it is there for you. Are you a human being? Are you alive? Do you have reasonable intelligence and experience? Then, you DO have it. You just don't see it. You can't see the Eiffel Tower, can you? Is it really there?? This is a very deep sort of revelation. One you might take to your therapist? "Why am I so blind to my own personal power?"

#24 Oct 11 - 2PM (Reply to #2)

terri

A viscious circle

I think our own personal power is connected to our self-esteem, self-confidence, and memory of achievement and accomplishment. When intertwined in the day-to-day relationship with the narc, we are deprogrammed from our innate sense of who we are and reprogrammed into believing we are the people the narc brainwashes us to believe. This board and many other articles and books carefully describe the tactics they employ to accomplish this. Becoming more aware of these tactics, learning to recognize them when they are employed and developing the ability to turn away are vital steps to regaining your personal power. Over the last 8 months, since I've been away from my exN, I've had the opportunity to seriously reflect on the person I used to be and would like to become again. This does not happen overnight. I've had to work very hard and diligently on remembering actual achievements, positive relationships and happier times to remember how it used to feel and who I used to be. That's been my personal assignment. Sometimes hearing a song from an earlier happier time or watching a movie from a happier time triggers these good feelings and memories and I get that "oh yeah...that's what I remember...that's what it's supposed to feel like" and I think that's one more step away from him and toward a happier future. To use your roller-coaster analogy, I think the ride is starting to slow down and come back to the loading station where I can JUMP OFF!! One of the more important lessons that I'm finally starting to get is that it DOES TAKE TIME, and I have to keep the faith, and I have to work to remember what a happy and stable existance felt like. But above all else, NC has been monumental in getting me back in the right frame of mind and heart about where I'm heading. I know you have it in you Jaycee so just take it one day at a time. You're getting closer to your happier-ever-after each day!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#25 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #13)

wholeagain

Me too!

Terri/ATG the same was true for my recovery. I was able to take a solo road trip and I went places I hadn't been since I was a kid, listened to music mixes that I like but probably no one else would be able to tolerate, ate chalupas at Taco Bell, stopped at cheezy roadside attractions. It was loads of fun but the best part of it was remembering what *I*, on my own, like to do, and who I was, and how I related to people. Getting in touch with that was a big key in moving forward. Jaycee, I was with the ex for almost 20 years and with another N before that for 8. My entire adult life really, so I understand where you're coming from having been in narcville for almost as long. You need to reach back a ways as I did but I think this is valuable stuff in helping you get off the ride!

#26 Oct 11 - 2PM (Reply to #3)

Briseis

Beautiful, Terri :) Jaycee,

Beautiful, Terri :) Jaycee, who were you before all this?

#27 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #4)

jaycee

who was I before all this?

Too be honest, I have no idea. Its been so long, I dont even remember what I was like, I know in my heart I was happy, I think, I had fun, I laughed alot, had lots of friends, but defined myself eventually to becoming his wife, the mother of his children, etc........I wish I knew who I was, before, during, and after, I pray I find myself, somewhere, someday.........Jaycee

Jaycee

#28 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #5)

Briseis

Oh, she's still in there

Oh, she's still in there Jaycee. These parts of us fade due to lack of use, like a muscle gets weak when you wear a cast for a few months. But the muscle does not "disappear". Who is Jaycee? After all this time?? What did Jaycee do when she was a teenager? What did she WANT to do when she grew up? She was a girl with dreams like the rest of us.

#29 Oct 11 - 3PM (Reply to #6)

wholeagain

And

What music did you like? Who was your best friend? What did you do on weekends? What were your favorite subjects in school? Can you remember a couple of standout, great days from before? What were they about?

#30 Oct 11 - 4PM (Reply to #7)

terri

Jaycee

Think of a time when you were happy. You don't necessarily have to "feel" the happy memories just now - you don't even have to remember all the memories right now. Just finding triggers that will take you back to that time will help you reconnect with all those feelings. For instance, I was very happy during the '80s. It was a time in my life where I was very confident and felt so excited and positive about my future before me. I loved shopping for clothes, decorating my first apartment, experimenting with cooking and just loved being independent. Obviously, I didn't have the responsibilites that I have now but that doesn't matter. I took pleasure in the simplest things about life and everything seemed so new and exciting. One night I was flipping through the channels and found a movie that came out during that time. And by surprise, as I was watching it, many of the old feelings of my life then came back to me as I watched the movie. It wasn't really a cerebral experience as much as an emotional one. I also took a long weekend with girlfriends that I spent much time with during those days. Our lives have all changed since those days, and we've all had our difficulties, but being together really made me feel like "me" again. And, an added benefit was that they saw me and treated me like the "me" that they knew back then. They wouldn't accept that I was anything less than the strong confident lady they knew then. Seek out those people who believe in you and soak up their love and admiration. I know they are out there. Most importantly, give yourself a chance to heal. I think that takes time as well - giving ourselves permission to put ourselves first. There's nothing wrong with that and we simply have to retrain our minds and re-establish our priorities. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts over time as you gain your self-confidence!! I know you will do it and I am very eager to watch the REAL Jaycee re-emerge!! Hugs!

Believe in yourself!
Terri

#31 Oct 11 - 6PM (Reply to #8)

jaycee

Teri, thank you so much for all your beautiful words, im trying so desperately to find those feelings again, i loved the 80s i had fun, loved movies and my friends and i had the most awsome time in college, but that included my hN, i met him when i was a sophmore in college, so basically more than half my life was spent loving this monster, and by God, he is a monster. But before I met him, i went everywhere, we went to nyc all the time, met celebrities and hobnobed with great people and boy did i love to shop, i was the soho girl of the 80's and i still love clothes and shoes and boots, they make me happy, but right now, im dead fn broke and thats bothering me too. Im going to try and hang with my girlfriends more often than I have been, especially my college roommate as we are still best friends, and she hates my hN always has, she thinks he a looser.......she always thought i was too good for mr. beautiful, as she thought he was so in love with himself, and was as dumb as a rock. but boy, he was hot.....everyone wanted him, but i unfortunately got stuck with him, and married him and stayed with him for twenty four years, wtf was i thinking........thanks for your words, they mean the world too me. xoxo Jaycee

Jaycee

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