Im gona get myself back again!!!

If there is one thing I have learnt that hanging on and praying and believing that really he loved/loves you or needs you or thinks about you or misses you or any of that crap just plain dangerous thinking. This type of preojection thinking of 'what have beens'.. causes imbalance in the mind, causes imbalanc within the bodies physcial system and ultimately itmakes you ill...
So I have learned the hard way..AND I dont let those type of thoughts affect me now..
I dont need any man to call me to aknowledge me or even look at me...

I used to think that I would never get out of my pit of darkness after I lost my 7.5 years relationship with a man who I thought was the most handsome intellectual intelligent educated articulated polite considered well rounded man I could ever find ever. He got bored of me.
I wasn't movign fast enoigh on his terms.... SAME OLD SAME OLD>>
Here I am again seeing the same pattern unfolding, only the trickery and decpetion is so much more inhospitable and precarious..and I have a son..
And yet.. because I have been broken by a narcissits' treachery I am hardened to some extent..
After I recoved form that I was strong and alive and vibrant.
I was looking to have a relationshiop with mysef at last. I was sick of dud relationshoips and just happy to go it alone.... I was getting on and up in the world and doing really well. I still am in many ways.. But I was very independenet and not needy for the first time in my life too I can add....
My NARC hsuband was easger to get me pregnant and when I did... it made me feel very weak and needy again for a very long time..
WELL>>
I am not gona feel needy anymore..
I dont need a man or relationship.
I just need to heal me.
I am workign on that...
DONT LET the BASTARDS take us down..
I have to admit one thing..
I took a few very-good guys down when I was still in the aftermath of first NARC..
I was on drugs too and I was cold as ice for a while..
Horrible cos my dad died at the same time as he dumped me.. Very bad times..
But I see that now.
I see I am not prefect and I allow that.
A Narc would never allow that kind of 'weakness of an ideal' into his thinking..
I am learning to accept my imperfections more...
I have practised a few good chord cutting excercise's and I have forgiven myself and now I am ready to be the person I need to be for myself..

I am sharing this because we need to recognise the light within our beings first, long before we can have the relationship we so desire.
So I am sad that I had to go through this and that we all have had feel victimised and mistreated by these people who cannot help themslves because they are chronically ill...
(not to let them off for it)

...but maybe of the back of it we can look to heal ourselves and be stronger again...
Stonger than we were before and everytime you get back up, you know you can heal your self because you have done it before...
tap yoursel fon your back for your own survival..
Its not easy task surviving it..
I met my fist NARC lover when I was 21. the fist day I met him I was in awe of him that everyone around me saw a change from the get-go. I was totally hooked on the oxytocin. he also did that thing that was in that 'tom cruise' film abotu a narcissist character.. I forget what it was called.. where he doesnt kiss in the first few dates to get them hooked or let them touch him.. to build the tension at the oxytocin excretion in the brain etc.

If its in a film it happens.. :)
ANYWAY...
I am sick of feeling I 'lost' myself an dI cant get msyelf back.
I am so angry.
I bought a scales and thought I eould try very hard to loose some of the 40pounds I have out on recently...

I am sorry to say so much.
But I just wasnted us to focus on ourselves too.
AS much as we focus on those suckers, we forget to look at our own needs and get back to who we really want to be without them bringing us down and makes us feel depressed and empty. WE chat and chat about them but that doesn't bring back what they took...

I wish you all well on your jounerys and wish you all the most highest ultimate healing success...
x