I'm finding myself very very pissed off tonight

17 posts / 0 new

#1 Aug 9 - 8PM

finallydone

I'm finding myself very very pissed off tonight

Would somebody please tell me they have felt anything similar to what I'm about to let loose on?

I am angry tonight. Angry to the point that my heart is pounding really hard and I thought I might feel better if I posted on here.

I allowed No Contact to be broken. And I got SLAMMED. Got fooled by his sweet talk and being nice inquiring how I was feeling, the hair on the back of my neck stood up (like a little kid who knows I shouldn't go there but reached for the candy anyway) and within 15 minutes his true agenda showed up. He is on a long distance mission to make sure I am aware that we broke up because of all "the decisions I made". He wants to be acknowledged as blameless. He didn't come out and say it that obviously but it was the old familiar twisting of the words, redirecting conversation back to his heat-seeking misile like questions. It was tangible... I knew what was happening and then it because an argument - me defending, him cutting me off, telling me I was full of shit, etc.

Please shoot me all the links you can about NO CONTACT. Especially if any of them are titled "You are an incredible IDIOT Sandy!!!" Why did I pick up the phone? Why why why?

Okay... so here's where I wonder if others have felt this. Although I don't want to sink to his level.... I am so angry at this asshole, loser, creep... that I am feeling more vengeful now than I ever have. Thinking how I can do him harm, ruin his stupid pseudo entertainment career, make sure everybody knows what a lying, self-absorbed, parasitic creep he is. I won't do it... I don't even believe in revenge... but I have to do something with this anger right now that doesn't have an outcome of actual harm to something or somebody. I think I am joining a yoga class tomorrow and then I am never ever speaking to him or acknowledging him again.

I HATE HIM! I hate that I loved him, that he fooled me, that he took advantage of me, that he made my son such a pawn in this situation, that he freely spent my money and demanded my support and said horrible things to me all the time and never ever apologized for any of it. I hate him for having so much mess to clean up emotionally. I realized yesterday that if I happen to not get enough sleep and feel tired.... I end up feeling traumatized all over again because now I actually relate feeling tired to having been kept up all night being yelled at by him. It might just be I stayed up too late talking to a friend on the phone, but the tired feeling brings back every sleepless night I spent with him. So I try to avoid not getting enough sleep by taking Nyquil tablets to make sure I go to bed. That is NUTS!!! That doesn't even make any sense!

I don't think i would even feel bad if I heard he dropped dead. And that is horrible! Very very horrible! I hate that I STILL feel that there must be something wrong with me for him to do this. I know there's not... but I feel that there is. Make sense? I am being obsessive thinking about this. I was doing kind of okay... sad, hurt, keeping to myself a LOT - kind of isolating myself. But I haven't felt this mad in awhile. He might as well be standing in the room doing his thing cause it feels just the same as if he were.

Okay... I'm so sorry for sounding like such a royal pain in the ass with a bad attitude. But I had to do something with all of this.

Thanks All!
Sandy

#2 Aug 11 - 12AM

James (not verified)

And please don't keep in touch.

This is how I see and understand NC for my children and myself. NC was the only solution to a problem my abuser never wanted. Remember if you can't see talk or visit the person (victim) Then it's impossible to abuse them. This is just one of many reasons they hate NC, for how can you be manipulated if you refuse to talk to them? NC is for the victim and has nothing whatsoever to do with the abuser! So we need to remember not to be mad at ourselves whenever we break NC. We just need to get back on that horse again as soon as possible. The longer one waits the hardest it gets and your abuser knows this!!! http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/05/no-contact-please.html

#3 Aug 10 - 7PM

Suzie (not verified)

me too, And NO contact?

OK I moved, as some of you know, I had a lot of trouble getting help moving. He called in the middle of all this and said"what are you doing?" I said "nothing". He paused for about 7 minuets but I just let him hang there and finally I said Are your there?" and he said yah what's going on and I said" nothing, are you wanting to get the kids?" He said not now I just want to know what is going on. I said nothing, I am busy did you need something? he said no, you are acting like you don't want to talk to me or something. I said well I am very busy (the kids screaming and running wild in the back ground, they loved the empty apartment, and they knew I was on the phone so they took advantage)and he said "oh yeah the kids said you are moving. I said yes and I can't talk" he said why? antagonizing me. His strategy worked because I became angry and I said "Look, unless you want to help me in some way then I don't have time to talk" He said "oh is that how it's going to be. You always have to get something from me." I said I don't want anything, just leave me alone. He said" then why do you ask for money every week.?" I said, that is child support and I don't ask, I just expect it like we agreed. I have to go, I don't have time to talk.He said don't hang up on me" I said. I don't want to hang up on you. I don't want to fight with you, I just don't have time to talk to you and I have nothing to say. We are not friends, there is nothing else to talk about. Just leave me alone, I am busy. Lets just hang up. He said" I just don't understand why you are acting this way and I said" ok so just hang up feeling confused, I do it all the time" I have to go now. I hung up he called back about 7 times and finally I answered and said" what do you want?" he said I just don't know what your problem is. I said I don't care what you don't know I have to go. Stop calling me." he said fine if that is how you want it. I said. I don't have time for this. He said" I don't know what you expect from me, it wouldn't be appropriate for me to help you move" I said APPROPRIATE!! you sick, selfish, lazy, bastard, kiss my appropriate ass!! I hung up.He called back about 9 times, then finally gave up. I havn't talked to him since until a few minuets ago, he was acting all cocky and smug. (We met me here at my moms, that is where we exchange the kids or child support. because I don't want him at my house) He says he is getting his own place in a couple of weeks and he won't be able to get the kids anything for school. I didn't react. I just said thanks and took the money and went in the house. He drove off. Didn't evan say hi to the kids. He is a pig. I am still having nightmares about him. And stupid dreams about hugging him and other strange people. Last night I dream pt that I hugged him for a long time. Then I hugged my youngest son and then I hugged the man I am renting from. It is crazy. I know I shouldn't engage in conversations with him. He got what he wanted.He got me angry. He is a pig. He said the cold blooded thing he intended on saying to me if I had asked him to help me move. I didn't ask him but he couldn't resist saying that to me anyway. I hate talking to him. But if I hang up on him he makes threats. He is a pig. And I wish I could stop dreaming about him. How can I love someone that I hate so much??? It is awful.

#4 Aug 11 - 12AM (Reply to #15)

James (not verified)

Leah

D then stated that â€œI donâ€™t have to talk with you anymore(me)â€. I then said â€œyou donâ€™t want to talk with meâ€? D then stated â€œYesâ€. I then said that was okay, it was fine and then I said goodbye and hung up the phone. http://james-personalitydisorder.blogspot.com/2009/03/sons-birthday.html D gave me this option when she stated she didn't have to talk with me anymore! Leah after confirming it with her I ran through this door lock it up and threw away the key! If this person ever is stupid enough to try contacting me again in the future, this is the first statement I will tell her and hold her to this statement for the rest of both of our life's. One should always be careful what one says because you might get it like it or not! So if your ex ever tells you this I hope you hold him accountable for it for the rest of his life!

#5 Aug 10 - 9PM (Reply to #13)

tina

Leah

I have been thinking and thinking of you friend. So glad you and your children are in the new place but it doesn't sound like its been easy. I would love to get my hands on him and rip his head off. Jerk. On day when he has NO relationship with his children he will sit back and wonder why. No doubt he will still be blaming you, them and everyone else but himself. If you are ok with it, I would love to call you again sometime just to talk but let me know if you are comfortable with this. I just want you to know that you have many people on this site that care deeply about you. Hugs :)

#6 Aug 10 - 11PM (Reply to #14)

Suzie (not verified)

yes, yes Tina

call me. Call me anytime. I am so desperate to talk I am going crazy. I call the hot lines so often that they remember me and I think they are getting tired of me. Mental health knows me by name. And I have started calling the dv hotlines in Texas because they are nicer there. You are so sweet and wonderful. Thank You for being here for me. I will be up tonight or tomorrow,thank you. I am not on the computer nearly as often. I don't have my own and I don't come around my mom now unless I have to. So thank you for telling me you care. It really matters a lot to me. I need that so much right now.

#7 Aug 10 - 7PM (Reply to #11)

quietude (not verified)

Leah

Hey Leah! I am so glad to hear from you...you know we worry about you here...but dang, girl, you are handling yourself just fine! He really didn't have anything productive to contribute, so he just kept saying stupid things, LOL. Could they be anymore see-through? I am so glad you have your own place now, give yourself a chance to be away from him, and you mother..ugh. Is there any way he can mail you the money in the form of a money order to a PO Box or something...so you don't have to see his sorry self?? Also, keep the conversations e-mail only? Like Barbara says 'strictly business'. If you don't answer the phone, you don't have to hang up on him. Problem solved. This would help you in diminishing those hurtful triggers. Keep it up, I'm very proud of you.

#8 Aug 10 - 7PM (Reply to #12)

Suzie (not verified)

Thank You quietude.

I got a lot going on. I had time to come over and post a lot today, because my mom was gone. It was good to do that without her doing what she does. I am doing ok. Just getting through it one day at a time. I think I will try getting texting on my phone so that we can communicate that way. It will be easier to keep it on topic with him like that I think. Thanks for thinking of me. =)

#9 Aug 10 - 7PM (Reply to #8)

Barbara (not verified)

return of the pig

From now on - the ABSOLUTE MINUTE it's NOT BUSINESS (like getting the kids) HANG UP!!! Hell, Leah - that's what he'd do to you if you were 'fishing' like he was. Who cares what he thinks? He IS a pig. He only calls when HE wants something... that was PURE PROJECTION. Make a record - date, time, phone number he called from and THREAT. Turn it ALL over to your lawyer. ALL OF IT. And if it's death threats... go to the police and DEMAND they make a report and don't leave until they give you a copy of the report. Don't let this TERRORIST TERRORIZE YOU!!!! Walking on egg shells is now the norm in the relationship. She has to sidestep to avoid conflict and circumvent any more happenings that make her feel like she is losing her grip on reality. Although previously in her career she might have had to negotiate conflicts as part of her professional persona, she is far from negotiating anything with the psychopath. Her professional skills and win-win philosophy have long been shelved for mere survival. Additionally, many women stop trying to stabilize the dichotomies that they once tried to manage. Instead, too tired to fightâ€”these dichotomies wash over them like waves pushing them, face first into the sand. â€œI felt all the above but also thought I was less than a woman for feeling these things. I felt I just didnâ€™t know how to be in a relationship and blamed myself. He made me feel all his previous relationships worked well, so it must be me. These are the same relationships in which he claimed the women were being dishonest, cheating and crazy. It was as if he was setting out to prove that all women were crazy and the men were saints for putting up them. He believed all women were sexually manipulative and all could be manipulated and used because they were stupid and needy. He proved this to himself by manipulating women to send in photos of themselves half dressed to his internet site. He thought it was fun at first to make money from it and then got more interested in the sex-industry. To him this proved that all women could be bought because they all wanted to prove they were sexually attractive. He couldnâ€™t see how he was manipulating them. He couldnâ€™t see how he was being seduced and manipulated by the sex industry himself. He thought he was in control. "...a woman who is normally herself dominant and resourceful may for the first time in her life feel â€œfragileâ€ or even â€œmentally ill.â€ She may seek counseling fearing she is the one who is â€œsickâ€ or â€œdisordered.â€ Not only has the psychopath repeatedly told her that, but she is also shaken by the incongruences in the relationship and in her own emotions. The roller coaster of the ups and downs and the enormous attempts at pleasing him and stabilizing the relationship have taken their toll. â€œYou feel trapped constantly in some weird kind of game that you didnâ€™t ever want to play in the first place. You know youâ€™ll never be the same again. You see who you were just evaporate.â€ Sandra Brown, MA - WOMEN WHO LOVE PSYCHOPATHS ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#10 Aug 10 - 7PM (Reply to #9)

Suzie (not verified)

Barbara

I have been reading that book. When I can. it is hard to find time. Denise sent it to me. She is so great. I need to finish it. memorize it !!!!

#11 Aug 10 - 10PM (Reply to #10)

Barbara (not verified)

Leah!

Is the book helping you gain insight into how these jerks operate and put you in a psychological & emotional 'head lock'? Would love some feedback on your thoughts when you have time. Hang in there you are doing GREAT!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#12 Aug 10 - 4AM

Mar1e101

I think I am feeling some of all that tonight

Mar1e101 It came to me tonight as well, my memories of that final day. It does feel like he is in the same room, I guess in a space in my mind. You are not an idiot, oh no! All that anger is busting out, of course you would not do it...the truth is I feel that anger too. And at times I think the same, better off if the N was dead, I even visualize it, which is okay, cause we would not do it. One thing I do know is that you are human, these feelings are a part of grief and loss, emotional pain inflicted on us hurts and we need to let it out. Its all good, your healing, feeling and listening to yourself, trust that instinct. Way to go, Sandy! I got to get some sleep, I was having intrusive thoughts tonight, but it is morning now. You are awesome getting to this point. Keep up the NO Contact. I am glad you posted about the reality of your situation, cause it is so similar to the N's in my life too. Thanks Sandy

Mar1e101

#13 Aug 9 - 9PM

laura (not verified)

finallydone

You are not stupid. We have ALL been there and done that. We allow them to sweet talk us only to have their true colors show once we open the door of communication. I will tell you something Miss Sandy. I know him and his dysfunctional family. I know how spoiled and all about me the whole damn group of them are. Please listen to me when I tell you to stay far away from him. He is a joke and you and your son are better off without him. Trust me on this one. Put today behind you and move on. If nothing else, today should prove to you once and for all what he is truly like. YOU DESERVE BETTER SANDY. DO THIS FOR YOURSELF, YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONE TIME. Do not spend anymore time on him, he is not worth it.

#14 Aug 9 - 9PM

quietude (not verified)

finallydone

Oh dear, I am sooo sorry to hear you're going through this. First, you do not sound like a PITA, or have a bad attitude. You slipped up and talked to him. I'd like to see how many people here have not done this at all?? Not many. This so much reminds me of what happened to me. They do want us to take the blame for everything, even after the relationship, so they will twist 'whatever' to achieve this. Mine did the same thing. He ABANDONED me, and wound up BLAMING THE FAILING of the relationship on ME because I was ignoring him, and not TRYING anymore! I mean, how freaking laughable is that?? Now his smug little self is guilt-free because IN HIS EFFED UP HEAD (only), he tried to make amends, and the cold 'bitch' won't give in. As hard as it is, if you do anything- as in anymore contact, you continue to satisfy his EGO. You've heard of the expression, even BAD attention is still attention. If he knows he got to you...even if you give him a piece of your mind, he'll still be happy with that because he's thinking "YES! I'm still controlling her". As Barbara has said many many times, they are like Vampires, and it's up to us to STARVE them. No supply f***s them up. The yoga sounds great - maybe also slip into a boxing class so you can punch the crap out of the bags! When my PTSD symptoms start rising to the top, I do something to pamper myself. We've been through a lot, self-care is so important. There is nothing wrong with anger, I have found it helpful in that it helps me feel the pain, and move forward with knowing I made the best decision. Hugs to you, hope you are feeling better soon girl!

#15 Aug 9 - 9PM (Reply to #2)

RenewD

anger

finallydone... This is why no contact is so important. IT's NOT to get back at THEM...it's to protect ourselves. I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, and had to rehash all these bad feelings of being insulted and put down. In disguise, I think maybe it may have been a small blessing to be reminded of why he is not in your life...this will strengthen you to stay away, and hopefully keep you from feeling regret. It's been changed to anger, and a realization of why you're not together any long? As hard as it is to feel what you are right now, maybe, it will get easier to deal with remembering this last confrontation? Stay away from him now, please? Leave him alone, make him be alone and focus on yourself.... ((hugs)) ~D~

#16 Aug 9 - 10PM (Reply to #3)

Barbara (not verified)

finallydone

You aren't an idiot ...it's still early out the master hypnotist and mind-f**ker's programming. But - I hope EVERYONE takes a look at what happened here. You aren't the only member who broke NO CONTACT and got slammed. Even those who 'think' they need to have 'the last word' get slammed. Let your anger motivate you to STAY No Contact now. Delete all his emails, block cell calls, call the phone company and have his numbers blocked... and go do something nice for yourself. You did break up because you decided you'd rather be healthy and happy alone than have some psycho-freak Narcissist in your life. And he didn't like that. Boo-flipping-hoo... his loss... ;) ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Articles & information for abuse victims - Updated Daily Online Coaching for Victims of Narcissists/ Psychopaths

#17 Aug 10 - 5AM (Reply to #4)

finallydone

thank yo

Thanks so much you guys! I read all your posts and its really gonna help me get through the day. My emotions have settled down a little bit. I feel almost guilty for getting that mad, but was thinking its that very quality that makes it so easy for guys like this. Its not that I would want to be to that level naturally. But maybe if I had been appropriately angered the first time he said something awful then I would have walked away and never gone through any of this. And maybe if I ever run into a guy like this again I will know better. Thank you so much. I look forward to the day that I have enough distance to be more supportive to others here (as you have all done for me today) and not so emmeshed in my own pain. Thank you so so much!

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