I'm curious in my recovery. is it easier to be dumped or easier to run for it and escape?

After I met the ex-P's girlfriend, I was sick of him constantly humiliating me, and how he had verbally abused me in public, I basically went to MC (Minimal Contact) I kept it polite, and I kept it at that. I'd limit my interactions to "hi",or just plain ignore him, even when he sat next to me in the computer lab to hoover me. When I focused on teacher education at UNM, I focused on MY education. It was difficult enough with PTSD, looking back at it. I was profoundly traumatized. I was in the program for at least a month... then suddenly, without warning, one of my professors called me, claiming I was a "danger to children." I was unceremoniously discarded from the program, without any say of my own. It wasn't even ended in person, but over the phone at night. I was even told to "be professional, don't tell anyone." It reminded me of how the ex-P would tell me not to tell others how he treated me. To this day, I think the ex-Psych professor manufactured that because he wanted the drama... he wanted the anger, the confrontation. It never happened. I maintained NC for my own safety. At the time, my friends asked me if he had my phone number or home address.... I said no. They were afraid that he'd go further if he had had such information. I briefly had a job as a cashier for a month. It didn't last, because it was at a touristy place. When I left to be with my family in Oregon, I didn't tell ANYONE. I didn't tell the professors I trusted because I was afraid word would get around. I basically disappeared. When I drove back with my father, he described it more as a "flight to safety." So, in the end, I basically dumped him... because nothing makes a bigger statement than skipping town without a word or explanation... For an N, but ESPECIALLY a P, it's the ultimate loss of control.

I was dumped after 15 years when he moved to another state and we did not go together as planned. He always had to be in control and the main reason i was dumped was because i was catching onto him, as in a letter I sent to talk about things, and why his needs, wants were always paramount to any of mine, did not sit well with the MASTER, after that it was only a matter of time before he devalued and discarded me and then made up some cockamammie story how I was screwing around on the internet offering free sex, first come, first served, it shows how little he knew me as a person I was nothing more than a sex object to him.because I have not screwed around for nearly 2 years, not for want of trying ,but have not met any good men I wish to give myself to!It does hurt more i think to be dumped rather than the other way around, like Briesis says, at least you have some power because you made the choice.With these men it is all about being on TOP and in CONTROl at ALL timed, what an exhausting life that must be!!Another woman was never the issue with him, i think he knows he is finished sexually, because of ED problems and he mentioned cybersex, who in their right mind wants that OVER the real thing?!

Well, I've experienced both. My first N, I married. We were together for 7 years and then I FINALLY left. He was physically/emotionally abusive, cheated etc. Even though he did all of this I still felt very guilty for leaving and felt sorry for him. I was happy when he met someone else because then he left me alone. The second N, dumped me, 3 times. We were together on and off for 2 years. It hurt more because I felt I put up with alot of emotional abuse and him leaving me was the ultimate slap in the face. I felt if anyone should have left it should have been me! I found being dumped harder than being the one to leave. HOWEVER, if he didn't leave then I likely would have stuck around for many more years and put up with more and more like I did with the first N. So, being dumped hurt far more and I took longer to recover, However, it saved me from spending many more years with him and wasting my precious life. It did take away my control, but it spared me from having to feel guilty for leaving or questioning myself as to if I was doing the right thing. Make sense? Pros and cons to both ways. For me, the pain and rejection from being dumped was horrendous, but in the long run it served MY best interest.

I'm not really sure which would be easier. In my case, I was dumped. On one hand, xnh's rejection really hurts. I'd spent 16 years with him (and living with his b.s. and abuse) only to have him throw me aside like I was garbage. On the other hand, he actually did me a favor. I didn't want the divorce, but our r/s was VERY destructive to me. His dumping me made it so that I didn't have be the "heavy" in calling it quits. He came home and told me that he didn't love me and "didn't want to do this anymore". At that point, I threw his a$$ out the front door, and filed for divorce. If he didn't love me and was cheating...I'm done. There was nothing in our r/s to work with any longer. Because xnh dumped me, I don't ever have people making comments to me about my making a "mistake" leaving him. He dumped me. He also is the one that looks like a total turd for cheating with OW. I've heard comments from more people who told me they'd told xnh that he's an idiot for hurting someone that truly and deeply loved him the way he did me, and that he should have kept his p*cker in his pants where it belongs. I hope the little, microscopic thing turns black and rots off...and I hope it hurt xnh (alot) while it does it. lol. Meanwhile, *I* am free to pick up the pieces in my life, and move on towards a happier existance WITHOUT HIM.

When i think of the time i went NC i was left with no choise . Technically i left him but it never felt like that . When he was screaming in my face "i dont love you" it is hard to compute that it was me the one who left but thats a narc for you and two days later he had changed his tune and truned up at my door step. but it was too late for him . I think that weather you left him or he left you the thing we all have in common is the D&D .. my narc left me six times in all but he hovered each time and it wasnt untill the last time i had to face facts that he was seriously disordered ...... Lets not forget that the one thing a narc fears more than anything is abandonment , if a narc gets even a sniff that you might be ready to get him to face the mirror and hold him accountable for his behaviour .. well you wont see him for dust, but most times he turns up again when he either thinks you may have calmed down or his other supply drys up .so mostly they never really leave .even if they do take great pleasure in making a big to do about leaving you . What i found the most discusting about my narc is that he would dump me but a few days later he would contact me to "see how i was doing" and when i told him i was doing shit he would launch into yet another shame dumping speach ... as if dumping me the first time wasnt enough , my tears gave him such a buzz he would contact me to dump me all over again sick sick sick... but then he would hover , proberly when he thought i had been punished enough . If he has dumped you or the other way round the only way you can ever get rid of them is with NC

Narcissism is a ClusterB personality disorder. It's about control and supply for them. If they dump you, you are safer. Things can get pretty dangerous if you take control away from them. Yes there are many levels of danger but be careful--all psychopaths are narcissists but all narcissists aren't psychopaths. They don't think like normal people, they don't experience normal human emotions, generally only rage and shame. It's not a normal breakup scenario. They do not wish you well. It's scarier than who's dumping who, it's who's in control. And this is why no contact is SO necessary.

Good Question.. I was dumped.. BUT the blame was put on his mom.. haha.. soooo it still hurt.. jerka$$es. I think it boils down to hurt, it hurt.. Pain is pain.. THe Goal is to get our selves healthy again & keep our eyes opened and the volume of our guts on HIGH..... Hugs

This is only my VERY personal opinion. I think being dumped hurts more. If you dump HIM, at least you are in a position of power from the beginning. That said, we all get to the same place very quickly. If he discarded you, you thank God (or Whoever) for the blessing. If you dumped him, you thank yourself for smartening up, finally. And BOTH are just grateful the Narc is GONE. I was the "dumper", and I used to commiserate that I wished he would find an OW so then he'd leave me the hell alone. But then I would have experienced rejection. Rejection is rejection, even if you eventually realize the OW is your guardian angel. We are human beings, and it is a deeply painful thing, no matter who rejects us, to be rejected. It used to mean death. Our brains are still wired the same way. Being utterly valueless meant death. I've had convos with ladies who admitted they felt a little envious of me, that I had a cling-on Narc who wouldn't leave me alone. They had been D&D'd. I told them I was envious of THEM because all I wanted was for him to GO AWAY.

BLueeyes, I guess you could say that I was dumped. We were together for 6 1/2 years. He dumped me but after about a year he started communications again and by that I mean constant calls, emails txt messages... All day 5 days a week. That went on for 2 more years until I told him it had to stop. When I told him it had to stop I got all the BS. How miserable he was, how his children knew he was miserable. How he was happiest when he was with me... The next day he called 2 mutual friends and said I realize now she (meaning me) is the one I want to marry, she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with. How he was going to get his head on straight and come back to me. The punchline is of course that he was already engaged. Had been for 3 years (got engaged 3 months after we broke up) to a girl 17 years younger than he is... When I texted and emailed him about it I got no response! 3 weeks later he finally set a date and married her 3 months later (in August). So to answer your question I don't think either is better. I found out the little secret in April of this year and I am still suffering. Not every day but many days.